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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know maybe im old fashioned, but if i take someone out then i want to pay for it.

Ofcourse if i go out with someone then im happy to go dutch.

There is a subtle difference.

And well if im honest any woman that Im taking out for a second time will have already 'repaid' the debt incured by the first time, It may not be directly with sex, perhapes just with good company, but I will have had a fair re-imbursement of some sort.

Besides if all i wanted was sex, well there are plenty of bars close by and really after breakfast its a lot less complicated.



Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Jnot
♂ New Member
Member # 30320
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys, just need some insight on a couple of things. I've decided not to R and D my whore of a wife. Things are looking up for me and I feel like I'm making good progress quickly but still wake up in the middle of the night because of bad dreams about this mess. My question is, should I find out the details of what exactly went on during the past year? I'm not sure if this would help or make things worse for me. Something is telling me that knowing all these things would help me to stop thinking about it and something else is telling me that it may only give more visuals and may think of it more (if that's possible). Any advise is welcome. If I didn't have a child in this mess, I'd just pack a bag and head out west to start a whole new life. So many triggers!!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jnot,

FWW and I are working towards R, and it still was frustrating trying to get details from her. It took 7 months out from dday with encouragement from MC and me for her to (mostly) come clean. For the first 4 months everything she told me that I could verify was a lie. If you and your WS are not pursuing R, I cannot see why she would volunteer the truth to you. Do you have other means to find out?

Getting enough details to understand the depth and breadth of her involvement did help me to move past the mind movies and obsessing. I belive much of the healing from this was not the facts, but that FWW was telling me painful things she did not ever want to share. It was a sign of her commitment to me, the M, and out efforts to R.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jnot,


Once you tell her that your moving on i very much doubt that she will be willing to talk about her Infidelity or what happened.

So If your choosing to D then you are propbably on your own in terms of trying to heal from this. On the upside though there is also no longer the restriction against demonising or hating your STBXWW... If your trying to R then you cant really do that as its sort of defeats the purpose.

Even if you think there is a realistic chance that she would actually interact with you on this you may find the process of uncovering the 'truth' to be more painfull and more trouble than you expect. Dont expect that she will tell the truth straight up.... thats unlikely to happen. Youll have to dredge through facts question and question again... all while your trying to detach and are heading for D!

In the D section we advocate keeping contact with a STBX to a minimum in order to help the detachment process.

Ill leave the other part about wether knowing will help with the mind movies to someone else, i never really suffered from them much at all... so i cant really say. From my reading in R though some people find it helps some dont....


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
bfmvalentine
♂ Member
Member # 30358
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geeman
I have been obsessed with the need to inflict some pain on the OM. I know he is not my problem but on some primal level I want to hurt him. He had no partner to out him to and I can not get over the fact that he strolls on no harm done when I am having to dismantle everything I spent the last 20 years putting together. The lack of consequences for him are doing my head in.

I saw your message a few pages back, and even though im new here, hopefully I can help here. I did confront OM and even took it steps further, and while I felt good about it for all of a few hours , things could have gone horribly wrong that affected many peoples futures including my son. You have to think of everyone else involved before winding up in jail or worse for a few hours gratification. I apologize, because I dont remember who said it earlier, but it helped me when I read it and realized they were right. OM is a POS, will always be a POS and will never have anything meaningfull in their life. Its a waste of your energy to even think about them for 2 seconds of your day, dont give them the satisfaction.


Me BS 38
WW 35
DDAY 8/9/10
Married 7 years
1 5yr old special needs son

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2010
Jnot
♂ New Member
Member # 30320
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that she will answer any of my questions since she has partially come clean with certain events that I've verified were true and she really wants to R. I kind of wish that I wanted to give her a second chance but know my gut feeling never lies to me. Just wish I would have listened to it before things got way out of hand. I'll take you advise on just moving on and not finding out what that whore did behind close doors. It seems to me that during the day when I have these kind of thoughts (did she swallow, take in the ass, etc.) I can rationalize and divert my thoughts to more positive ones. It's the lack of sleep I'm not getting because of the nightmares that wake me up and can't fall back to sleep that's not helping. Just wondering if I knew all the gruesome (sp?) details would somehow rest my mind that's constantly searching for details. My mind constantly races before D-day and is really picking up speed through all this.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is, should I find out the details of what exactly went on during the past year?

I knew practically nothing for years about what went on, other than the name and phone # of one of the OM(whom I contacted). I always trigger when I hear his name, so it would have been better had I not known. It's not like anything good came from the little information she fed me.

Since joining SI, I have insisted on knowing everything. WW has rarely obliged but feeds me little tidbits now and then. Each bit of information has pissed me off. The last one had to do with a "giant cock."
Knowing the deceptive nature of my WW, I suspect she embellishes, twists facts, or just plain lies in order to make me uncomfortable and keep me from asking further questions.

I'm at the point now where I no longer ask and am becoming less interested in remaining in the M. WAL made a point, a few pages back in this thread, to just assume the worst and to ask yourself if you can live with that. I can't much longer.

my gut feeling never lies to me

That's wisdom!

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 9:01 AM, December 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Jnot
♂ New Member
Member # 30320
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to add to what Bfmvalentine added. I plan on making the OM life very unconfortable after the divorce is final. Because of the keylogger, I know a lot about who his friends and family are. I will be dropping some letter to them in order to expose the mess he's caused. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to beat the shit out of the weasle dick, but violence most always has it's price. I could also make his life hell at work but since my STBX works there, I'll leave it alone. I guess the main thing I'm trying to accomplish by doing this is maybe he'll think twice about doing it again, but doubt it.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2010
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confront OM

Geeman, I confronted OM. a week after DDay i went to his (and WW) workplace. his expression when he saw me get off the elevator was priceless . i wanted a confrontation but it didn't happen for two reasons. one, i came to my "senses" that truly the only ones harmed here would be myself and my children if i got arrested. i didn't give a sh+t whether OM and WW got fired. Two, as i talked with him i came to the conclusion that OM was such a pathetic creature. he made me ill with his "sorries" and pleadings that nothing "happened". i told him to "man-up" and take responsibility. in the end, i was so disguted with him that as i walked out i told him he "was just a child (48years old)that shaves." in the end, my feeling is the OM, unless he drugged your WW, is not the true problem. its the pathetic, immature children that we mistakenly married.

he's not worth it, bro.



Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reverse 180

anyone here ever feel that WW is playing the 180 on you? thanks to a lot of the advice on SI/BM, i finally contacted OMW and suprisingly she responded and we've been contacting she other by phone, email and have our first "face2face" meeting this Thursday. Needless to say, when WW asks me I tell in generalities, that yes i have been in contact with OMW. since then, WW has been doing a classic 180 on me. any words of wisdom on how to counter this or should i even care? probably not.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone here ever feel that WW is playing the 180 on you?

Just for 25 years of M. A totem pole or a statue on Easter island has more emotion and interest than her.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn Kite, are we married to the same woman? The resemblance is uncanny....


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn Kite, are we married to the same woman? The resemblance is uncanny....

we all M'd the same woman...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
bfmvalentine
♂ Member
Member # 30358
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I get those same statue eyes, if u look closely, I think the statue has its hands behind it with its fingers crossed too


Me BS 38
WW 35
DDAY 8/9/10
Married 7 years
1 5yr old special needs son

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is playing mind games lately. She is inconsistent with shouldering any responsibility, but continues to initiate shows of "affection" and "love" which is NOT like her. Bizarre to say the least. My reaction is usually cold indifference which isnt helping our sitch.

Probably becuase she continues to try and dictate life on *her* terms, and I truly am past the point of giving two shits about anything *her*. I focus on my kids and I.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome new guys.

As for the dreams, that plague Jnot. Whether you know everything or not, and more importantly whether you believe all the details, will not make your mind shut off. I suggest you try to focus on something else, it sounds like you think about what she's done too much.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About knowing details.

I know SOME details. But not most.

WW had a LTA. So that makes it tuff. The lasted over YEARS. So asking what they did and what they talk about is pretty futile.

Of the rest I dont know. WW plays the memory game. She *forgets*. Yet as many others here have noticed she has no problem remembering every misstep I ever took in the M. Funny how that works.

WW also refused to answer. And early on when I was trying to save the M and the family (didnt want to loose me sons). I sucked it up and accepted that I would not get answers. And did much of what WAL recommends. That is to just imagine the worst possible thing. And learn to deal with that.

Knowing or not knowing dont really have much effect on me dreams. I have them about stuff I know about. And I have them about imagined things I dont know about. So it sucks all the way round.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New question:

How many of you all have kids from a previous marriage. How does your WS interact with them? Is there conflict there in addition to the cheating?

My WS is an absolute bitch with my two oldest kids, and I am constantly putting her back in her place. Her B.S. is derived from shit the xWW doesnt do as a parent and not so much the kids behavior - And instead of directing it towards a constructive conversation with the exWW, she takes it out on the kids.

Just curious to see how many others are dealing with this type of B.S.....I fell as though I have a rebellious shit head teenager in my house instead of another adult....This upcoming move away can't come soon enough. I need a break from this shit.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope the break comes sooon hnl, as long as you got your bases covered and all, and yerass is not hangin!
Fortunately, my boys didn't live with me when I was with my pet, so their exposure to her toxicity is minimized.

mk, good on the exposure. I doubt she's doing a reverse 180.
She's probably pouting, pissed that her game is up, or
manipulating.

We sometimes hear about the reverse 180, and I always like to point out the difference, mainly, that when they do it, it is usually to get an xyz reaction from you. That's what they're used to doing anyway (manipulating).

It's an important difference, I think,
when you do the 180 for you - you do it for your healing and finding your center again, NOT as some ploy or put-on pout to get them to do something.
Letting go of her outcome and focusing on yourself is the big difference.

Standing back from this, aren't they really shallow? Selfish? Really, that's easy to be. It's the lowest common denominator.

Diddly satisfaction and ya ya's are the targets on their radar. Personal growth...what's that?

What's for dinner tonight? Hot tongue and cold shoulder?


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK guys, a moral question for you.

I really don't want to, but I'm wondering if I should contact the BWs of my XW's many affair partners. I've never bothered to figure out who all these dick heads are. My XW hooked up with them over the internet, then met them for sex.

With some digging, I know I could figure out some identities, and if they're married, I could contact their betrayed wives.

As I said, I'm really not in the mood to wade into this cesspool. Also, I don't want my kids to know their mother has acted like a whore. I could easily imagine a revenge-bent BW outing my XW in headline fashion, and I wouldn't blame her.

I've guarded my XW's dirty secret for the kids' sake, and also for the sake of XW's career (which would be nuked if this got out). She doesn't earn much, but if that were to dry up, there'd be more CS for me to pay, and less money all around for the kids.

So, I've got a lot of reasons why I don't want to go there. But I also feel for the BW's of these faceless pricks.

What do you guys think? I'm heavily inclined to not start any detective work, and just let it go. Diving into all that crap wouldn't be very good for my psyche.

I suppose I could contact the BWs anonymously, but that just seems lame.


BH, now divorced

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