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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I said, I'm really not in the mood to wade into this cesspool.
Diving into all that crap wouldn't be very good for my psyche.

Sounds like your gut is telling you not to.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Mr. Kite. You've just about crawled out of the shithole at this point. I don't see any reason to throw yourself back into having to deal with this crap.

If these were people you knew, I'd probably have a different opinion, but the time/work you'd have to go to in order to make sure you've got the *right* wives (i.e., not telling some poor, unsuspecting wrong lady that her husband is a cheat) outweighs the benefit for you personally here.

If you had a huge craving for vengeance on the OMs and felt like this was the way to get it, I'd tell you to go for it. Since you don't, I'd say let it go. Take the information you've got and store it away for safekeeping in case you feel like getting vengeful in the future when you've got more time/inclination to drop the dime on them.

This is actually a pretty sweet position to be in. You don't have to drop the dime, but you have the freedom of knowing you can do it whenever you feel like it. Have to wonder if that fear keeps the OM awake at night, don't you?


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, thanks. I had just wondered if I had put blinders on and was ignoring the "right" thing to do. But for all the reasons I mentioned, I simply don't want to go to the trouble. Revenge isn't on my mind. Justice, every now and then, yes, but I suppose those dips live such vapid existences that there's already a little justice in that.

And yes, there's the definite possibility I'd screw something up and create a nice ugly mess.

Good. That's one thing I can forget about.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JNot,
In my case, being given answers has helped me put it behind me.
Maybe it's my personality, maybe it's that she tried so hard to withhold information, maybe it's because I made such an effort to fix things I didn't understand. At any rate, in my case, knowing helped.
Sorry for the delayed post.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JNot,

with the bad dreams at night... I was having the same problem, I sort of consider these to be different to the mind movies during the day because at night its your subconcious mind fucking with you during the day its your own thoughts.

Anyhow, The advice i got from someone in the R forum was to do some positive visualisation just before going to sleep. It really helped me, within a few weeks i was having more nights than not where i could sleep through without the nightmares.

If your having trouble getting to sleep because your mind is in overdrive, then go and see your doctor and see if you cant get some sleep aids. These were a godsend for me, it was just that little bit of help i needed to get to sleep.... and frankly they are a lot better for you than half a bottle of vodka before bed.

Once you are able to get a decent nights sleep at least 3-4 times per week youll be surprised how much better your able to handle stuff.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter what happens D or R for many of us and I think this is why D years out is common for BH's.

The WW never assists in the healing.

These leaves you with healing yourself.

All I can say is self esteem is a mother fucker and the best thing you can do is take care of you. Get a bit cocky. Know you are the SHIT and deserve it all.

What really helped me feel the best even though initially I wont lie I faked it was doing things for me and not caring if it destroyed the fucked up dynamic of my M.

Me giving her taking.

I now rank on my list of importance.

So I would go out, bought new clothes, started working out, read man books, listened to music that was cocky and a pick up.

This initially caused WW to rage and really wonder what was going on. When the raging had no effect she was almost forced to be nice and truthful because I got up to a point she lost me.

I didnt need the M. I wanted it to be in my childrens life 100% of the time but I was ready for it to end if me excercising self care ended it.

Their was no way my wife could have an LTA that the biggest lesson I learned ... take care of me ... was going to fade away again.

For the depressed and the new fellas really think about it.

Let go of the M. That does not mean you dont want it. It was never 100% in your control if you made it or not.

Take care and heal you and see what happens.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
BrokenHead
♂ Member
Member # 24218
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think as long as this is the WW's mental model of how an M should be structured, piled on top of limboland-its all your fault-no remorse post-A shit...BH will just be chasing their tail until WW takes thine head out thine ass.

For me I know she feels validated I am the evil one, she's done nothing wrong...that is about as far away from R as one could ever be.

Funny as I look back at our 20+ years of M, the behaviors in that post have been there since day one, I was just too stupid (or maybe to busy chasing my tail trying to make _her_ happy...or maybe just avoiding her bitching) to pick up on it.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 1:03 PM, December 15th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2009
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the behaviors in that post have been there since day one, I was just too stupid (or maybe to busy chasing my tail trying to make _her_ happy...or maybe just avoiding her bitching) to pick up on it.

Ditto for me.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenHead,

Holy crap!!! What a post! That really shook me.

Holy crap.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WL, Kite, LC, etc

if there is one thing that is finally dawning on me its the advice of "give up on the M" and "invest in yourself" that i've received here. the blow that i suffered from A affected my self-esteem and how i viewed the world. it affected my relationship with my children because i wasn't 100% there for them. i was too busy dealing with the other "child" i was married to. now, gradually, i realize that i'm the one who is important and deserves the best, whether that means treating myself (and kids) to a great meal and activities or engaging with the ladies at the gym without guilt feelings. to quote a cliche "i'm worth it." everyone here on this forum, due to what they've suffered and sacrificed is worth it. my WW? well, if she is willing to R and truly delve deep and feel remorse, then come aboard. if not, then stop sucking the soul out of me and move on.

apologize for making this sound like a self-help book but i had a great morning and just trying to ride it for as long as it will last.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenhead.

Article reminds me of EVERY woman Ive ever known.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a great site, BrokenHead.

In case you guys didn't poke around, you have to watch this YouTube video (linked from that site):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg-heCy0CbQ&feature=player_embedded

Setup: The guy goes to Europe for two weeks, tells his girlfriend he's going, she doesn't listen. What follows is two weeks worth of e-mails she sends him because he doesn't answer his phone.

Fucking spectacular.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jnot
♂ New Member
Member # 30320
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 3yearwait and sourcherrydrops. I had a really good night yesterday. I didn't have my daughter, so I decided to hit the book store and do some reading. I read "too good to leave, too bad to stay". Really helped me reassure myself that I'm makeing the right call to move on with my life. I truly believe that my WW is a good person, just not good enough for me. I struggled with hanging on to our M for our little girl but remembered that you can only make someone happy if you're happy yourself. Maybe we could be happy but this site has opened my eyes to how really difficult it is to come out of this shit ahead. The bitch has already wasted a year of my life and I'm not willing to let her waste anymore. I've suffered for a long time now and have to deal with my drinking problem (been drinking too much in the last year). I wish you all the best and look up to those who fight for their M. Sorry for all the bad spelling and grammar. Believe it or not, I'm an engineer that has never been able to spell.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2010
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL, just watched that YouTube video.

BrokenHead, I want to print that article and distribute it via mass mail.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Remmy74
♂ Member
Member # 15500
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I have to post something because i'm just so pissed off at my WW right now.

I emailed her this morning, asking her to not look at the visa statment online, because I didn't want her to see what i had bought her for Christmas.

Her Response " not that I don't know what I getting"
I thought this was a pretty rude and ungrateful staement and emailed her back my thoughts.
This coming from the woman who didn't buy me anything on my birthday this year, which was 5 days after I spent a lot of time and money on making our anniversary an awesome experience.
I'm so tired of this shit


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Ontario
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never make a life altering decision in haste.... especialy regarding your M.

-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 1:06 PM, December 15th (Wednesday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See? And I just about got my face chewed off the first time I recommended the books associated with that site.

(I actually thought they were pretty darned insightful about the womenz-entitlement brain. Probably wouldn't recommend them to a n00b, but worth reading a bit in after you've reached the "womenz are all crazy, knob-noshing bitches" phase.)


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:50 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure why you guys think that the guidelines don't apply to you in here...but they do.

Stop with the generalizations. Stop with posting links.

Seriously, this is getting really old.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192087 | Registered: May 2002
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My apologies for the link. Just my reality.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
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