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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a separate note, my email account was compromised this AM. I was suddenly locked out, and had to reset my password. Then an hour or so later, I got an instant message from my WW that said:
"I am a psycho, and you are a liar."

Nothing since.

I have to admit, I'm a little bit terrified. This has boiled rabbit written all over it.

The thing is, there isn't anything materially damaging in my email. The only thing she might be referring to when she says I'm a liar is the extent of my relationship with the woman I've been seeing. And that's none of her business.

On the other hand, there are lots of email exchanges in there that, if read by my WW, she would find very hurtful.

So anyway. I'm sort of nervous about how this is going to pan out. And if I've just created this whole scenario in my head, and her IM was some kind of unfunny joke. Who knows.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh shit Jasper!!! Do you get SI pm's notifications on that email? Could she had found you here? I don't blame you for being terrified....I'd be shitting bricks too!!!
I say wait it out....act cool...you'll know pretty soon if it was her.

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, December 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say hi to the thread. I have a lot of back reading to do to understand people's stories. I live with my WW and 4 children. She does not appear to be doing cybersex anymore but we are not in R either. I have a room of my own and I stay there alone mostly once I am done with the kids for the night.

Given that my WW is not interested in R, or in coming clean about her cybersex (she only resentfully admitted to what I could undeniably prove), does it make sense that I should just spend time alone? An alternate view could be that I am missing opportunities to R by not intentionally making myself available. However, I have had enough disrespect that I think I should just let things die. The only concession I make is if she asks me to sleep in the same bed with her I do, but from her perspective that definitely does not mean sex. When I talk with her about the kids I try to be confident and level headed. Her mood swings can be terrible and the kids need me.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper, that's my nightmare.

If you use gmail, there's a way to see a history of the IP addresses of computers that have logged onto your google account, and when they logged in. By doing that, you could see if there are any IP addresses that are not yours. I wouldn't be surprised if other email services also keep that information.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, December 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ethelred,

My XW set up sexual encounters with strangers she met on the internet. Dizzying numbers of them. So looks like we've got that in common. It's a very, very tough situation. For me, the hurt was just too deep, so I ended up divorcing her, even though she desperately wanted to stay married. Hardest thing I've ever done.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, December 21st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, she officially did get into my email. As expected, she was really surprised and hurt by what she found in there. Lot's of venting about her. Name calling. Evidence of the relationship I'm in that she's sus[ected but didn't know the extent of.

Led to a 3 hour phone call. Tears. Apologies on her part. Anger on her part. It just sucks. It was my private communication. Did I say some shitty things about her? Of course! Do I regret some of them? Yes. Some of it was written in anger, but it wasn't for her to read.

I can't believe she did it.

Oh shit Jasper!!! Do you get SI pm's notifications on that email? Could she had found you here? I don't blame you for being terrified....I'd be shitting bricks too!!!

Toby, fortunately, when I first set up my SI account, I figured it would be better not to have PMs go to email. I mean, I was on the site all day long back then anyway! So, she didn't find me here.

Although, in retrospect, it might have done her some good to read my account of things in the months right after d-day.

I'm beat. That was a brutal phone call.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess this goes to show that when you do seperate, its also time to update your security on things like bank accounts and cards, credit cards, email accounts, phone accounts...

basically everything that is now none of your Ex partners buisness that they rightly had access to when you were in a relationship.

But Jasper, what was the point of the 3 hour phone call? Especially if it was giving her a platform to vent her anger at you! .... Maybe im projecting my own WW into the situation too much, but i imagine that the conversation kept being directed back to how angry she was about your vents, about your new relationship.

Quite frankly I will treat my STBXWW with the respect that she deserves, I describe it as basically drawing a line at the seperation ... everything that happend before that, the A's, the Lies, all wiped from the slate. She starts with a clean slate for a new working relationship post S and into D. If she then decides to fuck that up again by lying again, by not sticking to her word, or breaking into and reading my emails, then i will treat her like the person she chooses to continue to be.

To be fair one occurance would not cause me to completly change my view, but if it is a consistent pattern...

So protect yourself, and watch what she does closely, Id also suggest ramping up your 180/NC efforts a bit more. Dont be so available to her in the next few weeks. Hard over Xmas i know... but there should be some sort of consequence from your part.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

Did she give you a reason why she broke into your e-mail?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35354 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has suspected for a while that I've been seeing a woman she knows peripherally. I've acknowledged that there was attraction and flirting, but not the relationship. Frankly, it's none of my WW's business, and I don't want my dating life to be the subject of PTA gossip and bunco nights.

Anyway, I guess I should have just revealed everything to her, and dealt with the fall-out. She felt like I was gaslighting her (and, in some ways, I guess I was), so she broke into my email to see for herself.

Of course, what she found, was worse than what she was looking for. She claims she was a little relieved to finally see that she wasn't crazy.

The thing is, the bulk of our conversation wasn't about the fact that she was right, and I've been dating this woman. It was about other emails she read.

These emails were with friends of mine, and contained a lot of venting about WW. They were cathartic, and they were nasty.

She has them printed out and she's been reading them.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has them printed out and she's been reading them.

This might turn into a good thing. Let her read them again and again. Maybe she'll get an idea of all the destruction she has created by her choices.

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. I wish I knew what she had printed out. If they are of the non-productive "she's a psycho fucking whore" variety, they probably won't do her much good to read. If she goes back to the beginning, she'll get a good idea of what I went through.

I'm emotionally torn here. I just want her to get her head on straight and move on. She's been talking about R, but in a very unhealthy way. I don't think she really wants it, but I think she sees me moving on as a sign that she's lost control.

It's creating a situation where she's spinning out of control, and I don't want that. I was ready to move on amicably, and now she's fucking that plan up, and I'm going to have to be the bad guy.

Why does this shit drag out for so long?

SCD, I think you mentioned I need to heavy up on my 180/NC and you're right.

Story of my separation: it's never been separate enough.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper.. 2x4 here.
I know you are separated, but have you filed for divorce? If not, then what the hell are you doing dating? Canít have it both ways and you should know this. As for the emails, my WW has seen mine. So what? Iím hurt, Iím angry, and the words reflect it. There was nothing in them I havenít said to her face. Iím just guessing this bothers you because you werenít true to yourself and did things you are embarrassed about. This is why we say you need to focus on yourself, take back control, and really be ready to let the marriage go. Even though you are separated, you havenít detached from her tit. You havenít done that soul search where you figure out who you are and your actions follow suit. If you did, you just donít do things that would cause you embarrassment when people find out.

So yes, I too have some quite nasty thoughts written out and have talked to another woman about my wifeís behaviors. Yet, there hasnít been anything shared with others that doesnít reflect how I feel, what Iím thinking, or who I am... So... I donít care all that much if she seeís it. The only fear I have is that sheíll take it out of context; my thoughts change as I mature and move forward. The only explanation Iíd need is to put out where I was at the time and whatís really changed and what hasnít from where I am today.

Ethelred,
Welcome... Sorry you had to join us here. The advice Iíd give you is to ask yourself what you want then make sure your actions prescribe to it. So, if you want to R, hiding in your room will not result in any rebuilding. You need to open that door and become available to her if that is what you want. Set your boundaries, both marriage ones and reconciliation ones. Focus on yourself by soul searching, work out, and find ways to strengthen your mind and body. Rekindle male relationships and go out and do things. (Side note: As you grow stronger, this actually makes you more attractive to her.) Now is not the time to curl up. Itís time to find your balls again, draw your line in the sand, and dig in. Just keep in mind that you can not change her directly... only she has that power (and visa-versa). Whether the marriage works out or not, by you focusing on yourself, youíll be better off no matter what happens.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm emotionally torn here. I just want her to get her head on straight and move on. She's been talking about R, but in a very unhealthy way. I don't think she really wants it, but I think she sees me moving on as a sign that she's lost control.

Be honest Jasper....Don't tell us your not getting some satisfaction from watching your WW spiral down the drain? I know I would! I think the real reason you haven't pulled the trigger is....your waiting....for that moment that all us betrayed guys wait for...Rock Bottom!!! She's almost there. By filing now, that would put a stop to her downward descent....and that would "rob you" from witnessing it. JMO.

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper -
As Mighty said, its time to get off the fence. If you havent filed for D, then it would be in your best interest to do so. If you decide to R, then stop dating and R. But you have to make a move.

As far as "watching the downward spiral", IMHO save that shit for the Jerry Springer Show. Sure, we all have that innate urge and satisfaction to watch someone who betrayed us to suffer some; however, especially in the case where kids are involved it will do irreversible damage in the long term to further perpetuate the the pain and destruction TO YOURSELVES AND YOUR DD.

At some point, the shit has to stop. Its involves two adults to come to the realization that yes, there was pain and trauma caused. A Divorce mazy be the best option. However, in keeping with the responsibilities of being parents going forward, some sort of amicable relationship should be maintained in the interest of the child.

If you are 100% set on D, then file and move forward. Despite whatever pain or remorse she may now feel, it doesnt make sense to keep playing into the drama. Keep lines of communication regarding your DD open, but three hour phone calls would be treated with an "oh shit, my battery's dying...CLICK"....

JMHO


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
impastit
♂ Member
Member # 28951
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm emotionally torn here. I just want her to get her head on straight and move on. She's been talking about R, but in a very unhealthy way. I don't think she really wants it, but I think she sees me moving on as a sign that she's lost control.

This is my XWW right now. D was 11/18/10.

Be honest Jasper....Don't tell us your not getting some satisfaction from watching your WW spiral down the drain? I know I would! I think the real reason you haven't pulled the trigger is....your waiting....for that moment that all us betrayed guys wait for...Rock Bottom!!! She's almost there. By filing now, that would put a stop to her downward descent....and that would "rob you" from witnessing it. JMO.

I D'd mine and it sped the downward spiral up. I too thought I would love to watch it if it ever happened, but no, it is horrible to watch her go to the bottom. Very sad and pathetic. She's very lost right now.

The good part is I am almost all detached.


"Get over it." Classic. Classic sociopath!

DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2010
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is, there isn't anything materially damaging in my email. The only thing she might be referring to when she says I'm a liar is the extent of my relationship with the woman I've been seeing. And that's none of her business.

Jasper: if you two are even considering R this is her business. I agree with everything that Mighty wrote.

Bro, it seems you are turning up the heat under your own frying pan. Take one path or the other.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to heal and invest in yourself before true R or dating.

I know if my M makes it or not I had a tendancy for unavailable emmotional women and I never want another one in my life again.

Is another women really a new gril and life at this point or a coping mechanism of distraction?


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good feedback, guys. 2x4s acknowledged and deserved, for the most part. I've needed to pull the trigger on D for many months now, and I've been dragging my feet because I hate the finality of it.

That said, I have an appointment for Jan 4th with my lawyer, and will be filing through her on that date. The lack of action on this D has done nothing but prolong the agony.

Why can't I date? It's been 8 months, and I need the comfort of someone other than Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters. It's not like I'm getting re-married.

There has been no talk of R up until about a month ago, and it came as a total shock to me because WW had never mentioned it before. By that point, I had done too much work forgetting her (and demonizing her) to turn back around.

I hate seeing her spin out of control. I get no satisfaction out of it at all. And I definitely don't want her to hit rock bottom. It's actually extremely painful, and in some ways, makes me resent her more.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't I date? It's been 8 months, and I need the comfort of someone other than Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters. It's not like I'm getting re-married.

You are married until you are divorced; thereís not much middle ground. Weíll not get into the semantics of it since you have been out on your own for 8 months.

But, itís clear from your postings you are still hung up on your wife and holding on when you should have been off the fence before dating. Think of it this way.... I assume you are still somewhat an emotional train wreck. Does she even know the real you, or just the suffering person she wants to ďfix upĒ? Trust me... you donít want to be a womanís project. Also, you probably arenít thinking straight...I see a lot of guys just jump at the first girl who bats her eyes at him and end up in the same dead end relationship they just got out of. Relationships that start in dysfunction usually stay there. You might be in particular risk since you seem to need someone in your life. Personally I believe you need to learn to stand on your own two feet first and learn how to get what you want out of life without looking for someone else to lean on or provide. They should be complementary for you like a bonus, not necessary to give you worth. Make sense?


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 22nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

I don't have a problem with you dating per se. My position on dating is that it's okay as soon as one spouse decides to separate with the intention of divorce (independent of when papers are filed). If your spouse leaves, you become a free agent. Especially in cases with the BS, I'd argue it's actually ultimately unhealthy for the BS to sit around waiting for the WS to decide to come back and reconcile. Once they go, it's time to start moving forward with the expectation that they're not coming back, whether or not that includes dating.

That said, Mighty makes some great points above. If you're still considering your WW as a relationship candidate, you need to be avoiding entanglements with other women. It's not fair to them. If you don't want to be with her, then file for D and get the process started. (Not to mention, if you do end up getting back with your WW, she's going to hold this relationship against you as an affair until the day you die. I disagree flatly with that line of thinking myself, but it has plenty of proponents.)

The biggest factor for me is that you're dating a woman who knows you're not divorced and haven't even filed. So, what issues does she have that she's willing to settle for someone who hasn't even filed yet? I mean, I could see dating someone who was just waiting for the ink to dry, but you're not even there yet. Which means she's likely got some issues, and you deserve better than to have her drama on top of your own, know what I mean?

You can't aim for the cream of the crop of the dating pool at least until you've filed the papers. Instead, you've got to settle for the pool willing to accept guys who are still legally entangled. And you deserve better than that, too.

If you're just talking about friendship and NSA sex with this woman, that's different, but you still need to file the papers and end the drama with your WW one way or the other. It might just do you a world of good to be single until you make up your mind about the WW.


Machiavellian idiot savant

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