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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

I know you would be OK on your own, and you do to. I also know that we do not do things until we are ready, whether that is go on a diet, engage in good IC, file for divorce, ...

No one knows what the future can/could be for you with your FWW. I can tell you that once my FWW REALLY began to do the work, she is like a different person, and I like this person more than I liked FWW for a long time.

I agree with your idea to keep separate residences for an open-ended period of time to ensure this change sticks, and that your WW is dealing with the reality of the situation and not her hope for the future.

I will have a half a tumbler of Scapa this evening and toast you. It is not as harsh as many types of single malts, and the honey sweet finish goes well with the holidays and hopes of successful R.

Best Wishes,

Ats

ETA, I'll take January 20

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:09 PM, December 24th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper....You made my day!!!! I knew that your WW would come to this realization after reading your emails and I'm glad your receptive to her remorse. This is good...take it slow. You seem to have a good plan.

Now you go and have a great Christmas with your dd and your WW.

-Toby


Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper,

You're making thebest decision for you and your family based on the information you have right now. I wosh you nothing but the best

You've also shown that you can look at things rationally, and you'll see if it stops being for the best.

If your WW is truly remorseful and ready to face what she did, she's about to enter a hell of her own making. I don't envy what she's about to face, but I also know that it's possible to face it, and beat it. I've seen my own wife do it.

Like D and detaching, R is hard work. By starting now after you've done a lot of healing on your own, you have a little bit of a head start.

Wishing you nothing but the best in the New Year


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Blueeyedfella
♂ Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper, that certainly sounds hopeful. Out of curiosity, is your WW still with the OM? If not, how long have they been NC?

Best of luck and Merry Christmas! No shame in trying again...


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
impastit
♂ Member
Member # 28951
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper, Bef's question is the same as mine. Does she still see OM. My XWW does the are BF/GF and when she comes at me with her attempts at R it turns into a comparison test between me and OM. He has won out every time so far. Reality doesn't have a chance against fantasy.

All of this is painful, although she for the life of her can't see that, nor does she seem to care. The good part is, after a few false R's thrown my way, the recovery time keeps getting shorter. The last one put me in a funk for about a week, a piece of cake after all of this bullshit.

One thing I have decided is that I will no longer even have a R discussion if OM is still around period. Also if there is no remorse and talk of fixing her broken ass I'm out. I really doubt XWW has what it takes for any of this.

I really think I'm going to have problems with XWW after I get into next relationship because of her extreme jelousy.

When OM has won these comparison tests I often wonder if he has really won. He has no idea what he is getting into. At least OM has no problem just walking. Kind of a matter of when, not if.

I am D and still see more drama. I have gone NC except for DD and it stops it for a while but then her not knowing what is going on causes her to go batshit crazy and fire up another false R comparison test. If I don't even entertain the idea unless OM is gone that should take care of that. If I get a new SO I see a drama shitstorm brewing.

Even after D it's like she wants me sit around as a back up plan while her thing with FOM/BF runs its course. I have played that game enough. Plus I'm D. Bring on the girls! Hopefully I can get a pool soon and have a full blown panty peeler thing working for me. A positive result of the 180 mixed in with NC is that I have been lifting weights for 4 months and I'm ripped, in the best shape of my life. This crap does make you push the plates up if you can motivate yourself to commit to it. The other day I benched 300lbs. The best I had ever done before was 270 in college when we worked out all the time. I'm 48 years old.


"Get over it." Classic. Classic sociopath!

DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2010
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Gents, for the support!

Ats, your post reminded me that WW won't have any "brown stuff" (her term for whiskey) ate her place. I better bring my own!

BEF and impastit, she's been NC with the OM for about 6 months. However, this isn't because of me, or because of a desire (back then) to R. This is because he dumped her and returned to his family. I am still in touch with his BW (they were close family friends), and I understand that, after a very rocky re-entry, they are finally working through things and doing well.

So, WW is NC from OM by his choice, not hers. Although, their break-up was apparently ugly and I do not believe there are any lingering feelings.

My fear now is less about the OM, and more about A) my ability to forgive and trust, and B) the fact that she was capable of cheating to begin with.

impastit, sounds like the D life suits you. Congrats brother! It also sounds like your xWW has some NPD tendencies. I believe mine does too (not actual NPD, but narcissistic tendencies) and she's finally acknowledging it. Which is a healthy step.

I'm scared shitless, but also excited to give it the college try.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best wishes jasper, hope it works, and that she really IS remorseful.
Guys, Merry Christmas! I was driving by Home Depot and they were getting rid of all the trees, so I stopped and got me a small top, put lights and little globes on it. (#8).
Smells good too.
Wishing you all the best.
jj

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
impastit
♂ Member
Member # 28951
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's gotta be NPD. Whatever she is it doesn't matter because I know how she is, who cares what the proper name for it is?


All I know is it's Christmas eve and I am here with DD8 (it's my year to have her xmas). We are tracking Santa on NORAD.

XWW hasn't called DD for a week except once for a present question. I texted her she may want to call and she did. Fog.

She decided, by her actions, that I was to be in charge of the expensive stuff. I did it. Enabling on my part, at least I can see it now. One day I will be able to stop that before I just do it.

Detaching quite well as we speak.

Merry Christmas guys of the shit club.


"Get over it." Classic. Classic sociopath!

DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel like it's an opportunity I can't pass up.

Good for you, jasper! Having been divorced myself, the nagging feeling that if we would have tried just one more time it might have worked out, ate at me for years. Hope it works out well for both of you.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
impastit
♂ Member
Member # 28951
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, December 24th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if we would have tried just one more time it might have worked out, ate at me for years.

How many years Mr. Kite?


"Get over it." Classic. Classic sociopath!

DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2010
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, December 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jasper,

Little steps brother. Absolutely nothing wrong with seeing how things pan out. There's many examples here where people have R in seemingly the most unlikely of circumstances. At least you won't die wondering.

Good luck and keep us posted!!!


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, December 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many years Mr. Kite?

Ex-wife and I were divorced in 1976. We were young and impulsive and made some hasty decisions. I dove into a bottle for the next four years. In 1985 I married WW and the thoughts about the ex began to wane. I don't obsess about it but that was my first love and sometimes I still wonder "what if?"


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Blueeyedfella
♂ Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jasper: best of luck! Unfortunately, you seem to be in a better place. My WW has been living with OH for several months now. If she had been NC this whole time then maybe we'd have another shot at R. (we tried R for several months but she wasn't into it). With each passing week/month, my thought of "what if we did one last shot at R" wanes. Meanwhile, WW dropped off the kids today after a couple days with them to go on a 5 day trip with OH. No R in the horizon for us! She left, of course, full of tears bc she'll miss the kids. Deep down I know she knows this is not what she wants but I also believe that the M (as it was) is not what she wants either. I think she wants me to all of a sudden be a guy who courts her with passion, would climb mountains to rescue her, etc. I think she's realizing that ain't happening, I am who I am and she knows that if she doesnt change her own desires in what she wants, then R definitely ain't happening (as it is, the chances are slim). This is classic green grass syndrome.


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, December 25th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she wants me to all of a sudden be a guy who courts her with passion, would climb mountains to rescue her, etc.

When in fact, it's the opposite. This is one of the the disney-fied wimmens fall-back projections. I get it. They're pretty and we fall for it. Glad you're not!
The 180's cool because it is about those kinds of opposites, seeing them.
She should be courting you pfff.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, December 26th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she wants me to all of a sudden be a guy who courts her with passion, would climb mountains to rescue her, etc.

Well I DID rescue her from OM's games that almost put WW in jail. Where did WW go? Straight back to OM. (Still glad I rescued her, tho.)
Eventually I realized I wasn't gonna win any competition with OM no matter how selfless I was, so why bother? Being selfish was more fun.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
Blueeyedfella
♂ Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for BHs: how many of the WW out there have minimal support network? I have a theory about WWs and declining amount of friends over the year (to the point where there's almost no geniuine friends) or little to no family in the area - before the A starts.


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ Jasper -

CONGRATS. It may work out, it may not, but now you have TWO people sharing in an honest effort to move forward. Best of luck Brother...

@ BEF -

My WW has NO friends. She has done her best to cut me off from mine over the years. Her family is dysfunctional and its the love you today, fuck you tomorrow routine until we need something from you again...

I have, I think, a similar theory.....


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
impastit
♂ Member
Member # 28951
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW has NO friends.

My XWW is this. She has lots of friends...all brand spanking new ones. The old ones are gone. The new ones don't know her yet.

Her family is dysfunctional

And this.

I have, I think, a similar theory.....

Me too...

She uses people to get what she wants and when they are depleted she finds new victims. Her FOO enables her any way they have too. They milk the victims for all they are worth as well.

She has one long term friend that is on again off again. She is the same or worse than the XWW. When there are no victims around (rarely) they do a cannibalism thing that is interesting to watch.

In the end I would say they are always looking around for victims. They seem to prefer willing victims. people that don't complain too much while they are getting fucked like a tied up billy goat.


"Get over it." Classic. Classic sociopath!

DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2010
Blueeyedfella
♂ Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is a bit different but very similar in ways. She lost touch with friends over the years. Would never do girl nights out, just would not cultivate friendships. She clung to the marriage as her only sanctuary. I mean, she has a big family but they all live OOS (no dysfunction). It was the friend stuff that always puzzled me. She is social, smart, etc but just never followed through with it. I had my friends, we had couple friends, but she had almost no "her" friends. She was dependent on me for everything and I guess when I (or the marriage) failed to deliver, she went "elsewhere".


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
impastit
♂ Member
Member # 28951
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, December 27th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWW is very social with lots of charisma and makes friends easily. Many people catch on and get away fast or are old friends and have forgotten. It doesn't take long before they remember and the next thing you know "poof" they are gone again. Some are true gluttons for punishment and take it right up the ass for years (I am a good example of this person).


"Get over it." Classic. Classic sociopath!

DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2010
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