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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 6 (Men only)
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya, countryboy-everyfuckingthing is my fault. Lately I have been noticing my 5 y/o mirroring her mother-this AM she was screaming at her brother for not fixing her some cereal-when she was not even awake when he started eating said cereal. It will be good practice for marriage for him.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

countryboy:

What gets me is how much I over looked during the A. I get real mad at myself for not catching on sooner.

Try not to beat you self up over that. WE ALL WERE MASTERS OF SELF DECEPTION because we didnt want to believe what was being thrust right before our eyes. Hell. I lied allot more to me self than me WW ever did to me.

I had a long talk with WW again about her actions and what they were doing to me and our R and with great skill WW turned it all into my fault. Same old stuff. I am working too much to provide her with just about anything she desires. I am spying on her all the time when I ask where she is going.

This sound EXACTLY like my WW. Just blame shifting. Trying to avoid accepting responsibility for her own choices and actions. DONT buy into it.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, how do you spot a cheater? ... How would one approach this subject, and would you trust the answer you received? In other words, how do you tag a cheater?

I guess this is something that we all sooner or later have to deal with if we dont end up staying in the M. How do we protect ourselves as much as possible from a repeat performance with a different cast?

First off, if a marriage breaks up because of infidelity then in most cases one partner cheated and the other didnt. but both come away bearing a lot of scars. It would also be foolhardy to assume that good looking divorced women were more likely to be the cheater.

At some point in building a new relationship you should talk about the previous relationship, you must find out how that still affects them. If we assume that a good percentage of WS's dont really get what it means to be a BS use that as a gauge of wether the story they are telling you is true.

As for general criteria, the lists allready posted seem pretty good places to start, just remember that in the start of a relationship you are likely to be under the influence of limerance, recognise this, and dont let it blind you to warning signs.

you can protect yourself by never risking anything, but what sort of a life is that.

@jasper, Bro, your in the wrong place if you think deciding to give R another go will loose you credibility here. I would however caution you to take it real long and slow at the begining. Judge her progress by her actions. IMHO she will need to earn your trust back through consistent and continual trustworthiness, in what shes says, in what she does, and in how she treats you emotionally.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Countryboy,
You can not force WW to change, you can only change yourself. So... have fun, do what you enjoy doing w/ or w/o WW, go out with other male and female friends, work on your health. Quit complaining to her, quit trying to control her. Make it clear by your actions that you do not depend on her for your well being.
You will be better for it, and she will notice. And you will then be in a position to decide your future, not her.



Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, December 30th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WE ALL WERE MASTERS OF SELF DECEPTION because we didnt want to believe what was being thrust right before our eyes.

At some level, all cheaters understand this and depend upon it to keep their affairs going. They know that we don't want to see what is going on and so we don't.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


A little bit of New Years levity. This is totally offensive, but it cracked me up. Hope it doesn't get me in any trouble. FWIW, I showed my WW and she thought it was hilarious.

Top 10 Things a Perfect Wife Says:

1. Of course I'll swallow it all; I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored; let's shave my pussy.
4. Oh, come on; let's get a porno, a case of beer, & invite Tammy over for a 3some!
5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna scream!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. No, I'd rather stay here, watch football drink beer & suck ur dick, than go shopping.
9. I signed up for yoga classes so I can get my ankles behind my head for you, honey.
10. You look tired; you should go right to bed as soon as u fuck me in the ass!!

Happy New Year, Gents! I predict 2011 is going to be a better year for all of us.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
blue day
♂ Member
Member # 25049
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Countryboy
we all miss the signs of an A.I got an anonymous letter right at the beginning of the A.In my stupid innocence i thought it was her sis taking the piss and laughed it off.for a split second i even put the name to the OP but never believed she would cheat or get involved with her former gynaecologist She did both for 4 yrs `till he dumped her.Turned out the letter was from his mistress who followed her and found out who she was and my name.4 years later i found the letter hidden in her drawer.The moral of the story is you can never tell a cheater `till you catch them.now i am home alone as she is partying in the new year.However i am happier to have learned the truth whatever life has in store for me it will be better than worshipping a cheater.Happy new year to all on the forum.


me 50 bs
her 50 ws 3 yr A.
DS,19, DD,15.
currently S,its over.


M 25 yrs
together 28yrs.
my first and only love,it sucks!


Posts: 66 | Registered: Aug 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mkgit you have a pm

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quiet around here this weekend. Anyone else going back to work tomorrow after a long break? Last time I was at work was Wednesday 12/22. I've gotten used to being a Man of Leisure. Got a shitload of real-life stuff to take care of today in preparation for re-entry into the Real World tomorrow. Wish I could peel my lazy ass off the couch.

This probably belongs in another Forum doesn't it. Maybe Off Topic? Forgive me. Habit.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My last doy of work was 12/17. I can't say that I've missed it too much


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two more work days...and I'm "off" for a couple of weeks!! Taking the boat down to South Padre Island for some much needed R&R!! No kids, no wife.....no problems!!!

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toby, wow am I jealous.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, boys, the party is on Toby's boat. Let's rock.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
IMARRIEDAJACKYL
♂ Member
Member # 30413
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright, Gents.

I need some help. Told the kids that we're getting a divorce yesterday. Sucked more than anything.

I have to live in the same house until the school year is out and then we can sell our house and I can move on.

Here's the fucking problem. The Jackyl is fucking this other dude now. He's not the same douche nozzle that I busted her with in November. This guy grew up in her old neighborhood and she's been staying over his place when it's my time to be with the kids.

First, I see her with her fucking astrology book, sipping wine and listening to music. This was like a scene out of our dating days. She's looking up to see if this fucktard home wrecker's stars align with hers.

Second, I'm devastated by the affairs but it's worse to have this bitch walking around and laughingbit up on the phone with her new boyfriend.

This all happened so fucking fast. I busted her on November 11, 2010. Filed for divorce right before Christmas and should have a signed PSA in a few weeks.

How do you guys deal with this shit when it's right in your face without losing your shit?

I really want to send the dick head she's fucking an email to tell him that my wife's a whore and that after he tries to feed her insatiable need for attention (She's a histrionic), he'll be fucked over just like me, my kids and every other dick bag she's ever touched.

Most of all, I need some coping skills here because I hate the fact that she even exists.

I'm new tonthis thread but you can see what I've been through and the particular type of c*** that I married.

Advice, please.


BS (Me) 40
The Jackyl (Her) 43
Married 12 years
Divorced - March 22, 2011
Son (11)
Daughter (9)

"I still miss her... I guess I just have to improve my aim!"


Posts: 389 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: NJ
Blueeyedfella
♂ Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tolerate her nonsense a little bit more - only after the D is done. Then you wash your hands clean of it and your mentality of her will change. She will be having her own garbage of a life while you move on. I would suspect watching her do these things will affect you less once this happens.


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMAJ, can you convince her to get an apartment or move in with her new guy? I think one of the only reasons I didn't completely lose my shit in the beginning was that I told her she had to leave if she wanted to be with the OM and she did. First to a no-tell motel, then to her own place. It royally fucked up both of our finances, but it kept me a little more sane.

As it was, I could barely look at her when she came over in the mornings to get DD ready for school.

Coping skills? I wish I could help. I ran, smoked, drank, over-ate, and tried to put as much energy into being a good dad as possible. I think only one or two of those things is actually good for you though.

Keep posting here. Sometimes writing all of this shit down and sharing it with people who have been through it really helps.


Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you guys deal with this shit when it's right in your face without losing your shit?

My mom told me to "do it for your son," who was 3 on D-day 1. In your case, do it for your kids. Someone has to be the adult in the house.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMAJ, that asshat will figger it out soon enough.

Just do right by your kids, try to ignore her shit-your whole M was likely an illusion.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy crap IMAJ!

First step; You are going to have to completely detach emotionally from her. This means at a core level, you understand and accept this is no longer the woman you married: She died giving birth. You now have a stranger.

Take back full control of yourself. That means you need to shift your every attention over to your own needs and who you see in the mirror (and who you want the kids to see). You are going to have to save yourself. Find empowering type self-help books and do the exercises in them. Itís hard as hell, but you have to learn to not give a shit about her at all anymore. Fake it if you have to. Do not let your mind dwell and every time it starts, start screaming at yourself to stop it. Even little tricks help when your mind goes ďthereĒ... For instance, I focus on trying to feel every little thing in my toes (sounds stupid, but the point is to push your mind somewhere else). At some point, you can laugh at her antics... they are sad and broken, and what becomes funny is that she canít see it and thinks sheís being so smart and grown up about it all (the hypocracy of her).

Itís also extremely liberating to just let go of her... you now know all you need to know, so you can move on. Further discovery isnít really necessary. So, you are now free. Stop caring what she thinks about it or you. Start caring what you think about yourself. When you look in the mirror, you probably see something broken and pathetic. You donít want to be that do you? So start changing it.

Weíre here for ya. You can do this.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
mkgit
♂ New Member
Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 3rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 year DDay anniversary (04 Jan).

Tomorrow is my one year DDay anniversary (04 Jan). amazingly i don't feel anywhere near as bad, depressed or angry as i thought i would. actually, i feel stronger than i've ever felt in this past year. on reflection, if i went through this again here are the lessons learned:

1.) establish an NC immediately. no communication whatsoever, especially if this was a workplace A. i made the mistake of allowing WW & OM to say hello in the hallways when they met.

2.) + A must+ contact/notify OMW immediately. get the deceit and secrecy out in the open asap. i waited 9 months to get the courage, even though my conscience told me to do it sooner, to contact OMW. OMW was/is very receptive to the information i provided (thank you BM forum!)

3.)get in MC/IC. if WW refuses, than get yourself IC. you've got to heal yourself. like a drowning victim WW will pull you down with her. F that!

4.) get your finances and legal situation straight so you know what to expect and how to move forward if S/D will happen. this was a big confidence builder for me.

And most important, get on SI/BM forum the next day. i would have been lost and probably a crushed BM if not for all the support and advice i received. in the beginning i felt as if i was the only BM out there. I only wish i'd gotten involved week one not 8months late.

so DDay i will have a great steak and bottle of wine with WW without unrealistic expectations.

Happy New year to all.


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