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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
Tryingtoheal61
♀ Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't comprehend the reason why I didn't leave you was because I love you.

I don't understand that a WS would engage in such hurtful behaviors, lying, blameshifting, rages to possibly get out of the house, belittling, criticizing over nothing. Then sometimes once A is discovered, more blameshifting, gas lighting, more lying, possibly, for some, continued contact.

I have asked my WH why didn't you just leave me? To show me enough respect to let me find someone who would love me wholly and have both feet in the marraige as I did.

He always answers because I love you and didn't want to lose you. This does not feel like love.

How can a WS behave in such a manner and then tell their spouse that they love them?

Also, be aware that my WH's A was not about escape according to he and his IC it was about control - which also, for me, is not love.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lefttoolate,
Thank you tons for your response. Even though I have been D for 1 and 1/2 years and this horror started in 2006 I still have so many questions and strings left hanging. I guess b/c not only a M was murdered but a loving relationship with 3 grown kids which everyone from outside the family admired and tried to emulate. I feel there has been a double murder with continued intent to refuse the necessary actions to repair a bond between parent and child. Your words have helped me.

[bold

Remorse without resolve will wither away and disappear, leaving a whole lot of unfinished business. Sustained remorse requires effort and determination, perhaps that's the difference you're looking for[/bold]

this will be something I will hold onto and learn from.
it's not that far fetched to disconnect the spouse from the family, in the wayward mind. Strange thing is that now he does see you as the way to his kids' hearts.

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond to my queries. Blessings to you!!

[This message edited by nlovemyfamily at 9:45 AM, March 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry don't know how to do the quote thing...obviously!!!

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also worry that I'm the one who cannot fully commit to her - there's this fear of being hurt that comes up every so often, and I'm on my toes waiting for it, but it really hasn't happened. She did keep contact with the other person on and off for years, but more of a business kind of communication every few months. Then out of the blew she started contact with this person again while we were on vacation - at that point, i told her 100% no more contact. We actually had a therapist who didn't seem to push her to have no contact with this other person. we've since gotten a new therapist.

Eeek, I didn't realize this. How long ago did this happen?

Good for you for saying NC--although ideally she should be imposing it on herself.

Kwiills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
star dreamer
♀ Member
Member # 10121
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kwills, which part do you mean?

Posts: 51 | Registered: Mar 2006
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tryingtoheal61,

You're trying to understand the incomprehensible, so be patient with yourself.

Now, since you mentioned control - did you try replacing 'love' with 'control' in his statements and see if that makes any more sense? You'd get:

the reason why I didn't leave you was because I control you.
and
He always answers because I control you and didn't want to lose you.

Now, depending on your understanding of love, he may very well love you. But he has (had?) other impulses that took precedence. He doesn't (or at least didn't) love or respect you enough to put your needs before his own. His own needs and fears may be trifles by day light, but they sure seemed all-important to him before. And that's not right.

I'm not sure you could understand, Tryingtoheal61. That would have nothing to do with you, but rather with the irrationality of the behaviour.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Velveteer, she may not want to read it, but you could leave a hard copy of Maia's Withdrawal Guide on her desk.

And slightly off the track: punching is fine, but she can do that somewhere where it doesn't bother you as much. Jeez.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
Tryingtoheal61
♀ Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lefttoolate,

Thank you for the response. I am going to post something in General with regards to control and would really appreciate your input.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stardreamer,

The part I meant was the resumed contact that you had to address--how long ago was that? Was it recent or in the distant past?

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
horseluvr
♀ Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I am doing this right. I have a question for WS. How much face to face time is needed for an A. My ws was rarely late from work and usually had a kid or two with him on weekends. He did have some vacation time that he swears his company stole from him. No, I don't believe that. He will not give me any info and says it was only texting. I know it's not true, I know it was PA. My question, if he could pull this off before, he could still be. Does an PA require a lot of time together. I know he was most defin emotionally inovolved too, it was not a ONS. Went on for a couple of years. We are not doing well in R, in fact we will probably not make it. He isn't trying and I'm seeing the same behaviors as before. I just have always wondered where they found the time.

[This message edited by horseluvr at 6:51 PM, March 11th (Friday)]


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Horseluvr, could he be taking time out from work? Not days, perhaps, but ten, twenty minutes, sometimes? That could be enough, I guess. After all, all that's needed is at least two participants and a logistical break. Or some "stolen vacation time"...

It's not an answer, I know, but I agree with you that he could be at it right now, especially if he did it before without your noticing any time 'missing'.

Face-to-face time could be very limited, especially in an emotional affair. Texts and e-mails can be sent on the go, if need be. Aside from those, a physical affair just takes a bit more planning, or a flexible schedule.

If he won't give you any info, you're probably wise to assume the worst.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
horseluvr
♀ Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you left, I just have a weird feeling and that's what made me start looking last time. I figure, he didn't quit seeing her because he wanted to (if he did quit) it was only because I caught him and threatened to make him leave. I just didn't think he had enough time, but his work schedule has been kind of diff lately, he says he's working overtime, but then not and visa versa. I know he used vacation last time. 2 years in a row he claims the company "stole" his vacation, yeh right like he would let that go and not demand it back. Thank you for the info, appreciate it.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

horseluvr, Are you doing the GPS in the car things? It might answer some of your questions.

Your description of his behaviours sounds grim. If he was working OT or having last minute changes to his schedule AND giving you the things you need to R, then it wouldn't be as big of a deal, but it sounds like he is still in it, or not into R at the very least.

BTW, I had little to no face time during my EA. He likely was emotionally attached if he didn't have face time.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about "the fog" and the OW.

My WH is insistent that he did not abandon his family; essentially, he just left me. However, he also ignores the kids and does nothing over and above what he is supposed to do for them. He blew them off the other night for a happy hour. He made virtually no effort to make up the time with them. He barely calls them and when he does, he only calls to say goodnight - no conversation. They are 7 and 3 and are only going to be little for a blink of an eye.

My question is, does "the fog" cause this type of behavior?? The OW also has two young children - a little older than mine from what I understand but not much - is it possible that she is somehow influencing WH since the natural instinct would be for her children to come first and for him to stay as far away from his old life as possible???

I don't understand a lot about this but this is the part that really baffles me -ignoring your own children for someone else. ...


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
awife
♀ Member
Member # 1014
Frustrated  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

horseluvr,
My H had 3 different OW over a 5 yr period.(Short term affairs)

One reason it took me so long to figure out he was cheating was there was no missing money, no missing time, no cell phones, etc.

I later found out many of the meetings took place on his lunch hour or directly before or after work. They did the deed either in the car, woods, or even their work place. And he only called them from pay phones.

What did tip me off was his complete change in behavior toward me and the kids. We could do no right, and was walking on eggshells to keep the peace around him.

When before all of this took place, he was a devoted H and father who loved spending all his spare time with his family.


Posts: 548 | Registered: Jan 2003
awife
♀ Member
Member # 1014
Frustrated  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme,
YES!!!

See my post above about my H's complete change in behavior during the period he was cheating.

He turned into a person we didn't even know.


Posts: 548 | Registered: Jan 2003
horseluvr
♀ Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg wife, that is exactly what's happened. I kept reading about credit card charges, hotel receipts, or lunch receipts,flowers. None of that, I have never found anything nor has there been more money than usual taken out. I don't see his check stubs but he has direct deposit and I know whats put in. His behavior is exactly what prompted me. He was mean to the kids, totally stopped doing anything in the yard, house, cars. I was mowing the lawn because he wouldn't. Everyone in the house would get tense as soon as we heard his truck pull in the driveway. I couldn't even pick up dogshit correctly. Unfortunately this behaviour is back. Not good.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
awife
♀ Member
Member # 1014
Frustrated  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

horseluvr,
My H was as cheap as they come. He had a weekly amount of cash that he used to pay for his lunches and gas.

I noticed during this period he would come home starving and eat twice as much as usual.

It was because he was saving his lunch money up to splurge on an occasional motel for the OW.

Another thing that contributed to his complete change was having co-workers/friends who didn't think nothing of cheating and bragging about it.

Beware because they share their secrets about how to get away with cheating.


Posts: 548 | Registered: Jan 2003
dzaster
♀ Member
Member # 30977
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

velveteer -

Unfortunately there is no magic bullet for her to get through it. Time.

I am over 4 months out and I still am in pain daily. But my pain has changed. I realize that I am not in pain about OM as an actual person, it was never really about him. It was about me fulfilling my needs in a selfish and unhealthy way and I am in emotional pain because those needs are no longer being met.

However, it has taken me months of therapy to get to this point. Would your WS consider IC if she's not already? It really is a must if she is to uncover the reasons for her A, which are about her and not about you.

She will need to work through her own pain and her own issues, and it will take time. But like I said before, she needs to find a different outlet for her pain, so that she does not continue to hurt you while she is going through her own process.

Good luck to you both!


Me - FBW/FWW 39, Him - FBH/FWH 40, DS - 16, DS - 13
His D-days: 2001, 2008, multiple 2011
My D-Day: 11/19/10
R-day: June 2011...going well
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" - Semisonic

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, March 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostandafraid,

But, since his page went up yesterday, he's had several friend requests from what I assume are high school friends (he's at work, so I haven't had the chance to ask him about them), two of these girls sent what I feel to be inappropriate messages - one referring to his nice ass.

Now this whole facebook thing is freaking me out and I feel like I just "gave the key to the candy store to the kid" so to speak.

It it fair for me to ask him to disable the page, or just set boundaries together - like no FEMALE friends unless they are mutual acquaintances?

Just block any women who send friend requests and who are telling a married man how nice his ass is. I think that if your WH were to unblock them for any reason, he wouldn't be able to block them again for 2 or 3 days, so you would know if he did that. Regardless, it is inappropriate for the women to do that in the first place.

It will ultimately come down to how much you trust him right now and how hard he is working on R. How are his boundaries now?

The first message I received from MOW was on MySpace and it mentioned my ass. Two months later it was a full blown EA. Danger Will Robinson!

I have since brought up with my BW the possibility of starting another FB page. If that day ever comes, it will be with her approval and there will be at least one person who is immediately blocked.

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 3:28 AM, March 16th (Wednesday)]


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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