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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jdt1973 - thanks for your reply. I'ld like some more WS's to put their spin on it, though. I understand what you are saying and I guess that is probably what FWH means.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted a ? on the 10th and would so appreciate responses from the WS perspective.
I know that no one knows my WH personally, I am just trying to understand the mindset of this way of thinking...

I so appreciate the time you give us BS in trying to make sense of things that make no sense...

Thanks so much!

[This message edited by LookingforLove at 9:16 AM, May 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
TammyLynn70
♀ Member
Member # 28470
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LookingforLove

I am so sorry for what your stbxh has put you through. With out knowing him it is really hard to answer the ? of why he isn't responding to the filing?

Is he one of those people who do not pay bills on time hoping they will just go away? How old is your minor child is he close to 18? IS he hoping if he waits long enough he wont have to pay CS. Cause from what you have stated it doesn't make much since why he hasn't responded. I guess the problem is trying to understand the mindset of a man who acts like he has.

I am sorry I wish I had a answer for you. I just wanted to let you know that are heard. Sending hugs your way.


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2010
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TammyLynn--
I was always the one to pay the household bills but he always was a stickler for them being paid on time..

My youngest is 11, so he has years of CS going forward.

I just don't understand why he is not responding if he wanted this so badly..

After 5+ years of this, he is still caught up in his A but I never thought that it would go so far as to not give a Fuck about me or his boys...

Why is the fantasy still continuing?

This is what I really struggle with...


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry--double post!

[This message edited by LookingforLove at 11:17 AM, May 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
TammyLynn70
♀ Member
Member # 28470
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LookingforLove

I totally understand how this is troubling you. Not giving you the chance to move on and support for you and your boys. I wish I had an answer for you. He just sounds like a heartless a-hole.


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2010
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TammyLynn--
Can you tell me--does the Fantasy go on forever?

Even though I may never see or hear it--Does the WS ever realize the pain and
destruction they have caused?
Thanks


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
TammyLynn70
♀ Member
Member # 28470
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LookingforLove

No the Fantasy doesn't go on for ever. Real life sets in and the wake up call comes. Every situation is different but I think every WS eventually realizes their BS's pain. NPD type WS's I think even understand it they just may never apologize or take owner ship of it. I think your stbxh will feel the pain he caused you especially through your boys.

I am going to send you a pm.


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2010
Tryingtoheal61
♀ Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been wondering why don't WW's leave the marriage. It is so unfair for you to have 1 1/2 partners. One who is married to you and fully vested in the marraige and another feeding your egos.

How did you justify giving your spouse only 1/2 of you?

How did you justify not letting your spouse find someone to love them fully?


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you justify giving your spouse only 1/2 of you?
you don't because there is no justification...


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Tryingtoheal61
♀ Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you did only give 1/2 of yourself to your M and the other 1/2 to your AP. Why, what made it okay?


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a way to tell if a WS is just trying to be polite or if he is trying to make himself not look like an ass or if he's trying to feel you out to fish and see where the BS's head is at??

I don't know if I'm making myself clear. But, the situation is that my STBXH was all about that swagger, you know the one. Where they are just so shit-all cocky that they are making the right decision to leave and that everyone will adjust just fine and they won't ever allow you to talk about it or say that they are a bad person because of it. He was all about that for a few months.

Along with that swagger came the cruel treatment of me. Looking through me rather than at me. Never really even being polite to me. Just dismissed me so, I in turn, dismissed him. It looked like he was just having a grand ol' party for a little while there.

However, I noticed that the swagger disappeared once I filed for D. Now, whenever I see him he doesn't look so good. He's in debt up to his ass, I suspect because he's been playing online poker and going to the local casinos weekly. He now sees his children named in a lawsuit and us trying to agree who gets them for what holiday during an odd or even year. He looks like he's drinking too much and not taking care of himself physically. So the swagger is definitely gone ... for now.

Along with that I consistently get more conversation from his end when we do have to communicate about the kids. I usually give the one word answers or even speak in code. He'll say more and try to seem very interested in them.

He recently even got a little sappy on me. I had to put our dog down and he sent a sorry text in reply to the one that I sent saying that the dog was gone. That was all I expected. Out of the blue, I get another text telling me how sorry he was (he hated the dog by the way), how he knows how difficult it was for me to do that and how he's happy the dog is no longer suffering. (once again, he hated the dog)

Throughout this whole thing, I've never gotten a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Easter. ... nothing. Until Mother's day. I almost fell off the bed when, at 9:30 am. I get a Happy Mother's Day text message.

WTF??? I know it's hard to read these people and I know it's really stupid to try to make sense out of the nonsensical. But, at the same time, we have this resource where we can ask questions to the very people who have experienced this mindset and I have to say I'm very curious. How do you tell????


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you did only give 1/2 of yourself to your M and the other 1/2 to your AP. Why, what made it okay?
I don't know if I would break it up in halves. But that's besides the point. What made it ok? Well, the broken addict in me said it was okay. There was no valid logic behind it. It just was. When you're that broken, you lack real clarity. I'm sure that's probably hard to swallow, but it's my truth.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 1:40 PM, May 12th (Thursday)]


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Tryingtoheal61
♀ Member
Member # 29633
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your input.


Reconciling

Posts: 828 | Registered: Sep 2010
horseluvr
♀ Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was a couple of pages back but just wanted to say thank you for your responses. I really appreciated you guys giving us some insight.


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobe:
It looks as though your XWH's rose-colored glasses are starting to fade.
DO NOT let him weasel his way back into your life if he tries to do so! He may be finally dealing some guilt for what he did to you, is now seeing that he misses you and the family, etc.
This is the price he has to pay. Stay strong and keep your head and your heart separate right now.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stilloving - Thank you for your response. I will stay strong, but it is very hard. I guess if he wants to really talk to me, he knows where to find me.

Can you tell me, how does this progress? Does the guilt just stop in certain instances and they continue to move on or do these emotions continue on despite their attempts to stomp them out or ignore them and it gets to a point where they HAVE to say something? He still has never really said anything meaningful or truthful to me since this whole thing started. He is that person who just wants to avoid conflict and avoid difficult conversations at all costs.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
footies
♀ Member
Member # 27199
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may have been covered but we lost our pub business 9 days ago and he moved in with OW. Not once did he see if i was ok when he knew how hard it was for me losing business and him to her, he barely communicates and when he does he is so nasty, its like i have done something wrong, we have loads to sort financially but he just wont be civil to even discuss that stuff, can anyone explain why he would be so horrible to me, i just dont understand, how can i have ever meant anything to him ?? and what can i do ??


me-bw age 42
him wh age 42
been together 9 years
married 5
dday1 2/10/09
dday2 9/01/2010
trying to stay together -
she lives 5 mins walk from us and i gave her a job when she needed one- nice eh?
Now separated after they admitted re seeing

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: uk
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long story,short version...married 32 years and we have 2 young adult kids. H had affair with an old girlfriend 22 years ago, then again 22 months ago..lasted over 6 months...was EA and PA at a time when the stresses of life were taking a toll..almost killed me and him too I think...we all know the ride after being totally blindsided. We are in R but at a bump. Daily life is so much better and we see a furure together more clearly than in a long time, but I need more information..especilly about the A 22 years ago...I found out about that one with the second, but he can't "remember" says maybe he blocked it??? He says he is scared I can't handle this pain and should just move on and that I will regret not regaining trust that I need to get past it and we should look forward and maybe I could if he could just answer if he could just answer one question...What has changed from 22 years ago, or from 16 months ago that will makes it safe to trust him now? What is different so I can believe that he won't lie to me or keep a secret should he break no contact with her again. He says he doesn't want contact and hasn't had contact and will not have contact, but how do I know? I guess what I need from WS who have dealt with this is...when your BS asked you this question what was your answer...how do you know you will not do these things and be deceitful again...what has changed during the process for you that makes you sure you won't fall into that fog again?

Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may have been covered but we lost our pub business 9 days ago and he moved in with OW. Not once did he see if i was ok when he knew how hard it was for me losing business and him to her, he barely communicates and when he does he is so nasty, its like i have done something wrong, we have loads to sort financially but he just wont be civil to even discuss that stuff, can anyone explain why he would be so horrible to me, i just dont understand, how can i have ever meant anything to him ?? and what can i do ??

Oh honey, how awful. My guess is he is unable to face his own shortcomings and so it is easier to blame you than to look in the mirror. The OW is new and therefore everything is great...reality has not set in yet.

Don't get down on yourself. This is not your fault. Read the healing library and the 180. The 180 makes you stronger, and if WH ever pulls his head out his ass, that is the best way to achieve it.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
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