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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
MRSery
♀ Member
Member # 32195
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Baxter))) Thank you so much for your reply.

NO! I am not sleeping with him, haven't been for sometime.

I thought I was doing the 180 pretty good but I don't think I have changed it in a fashion he see's. I've been doing many of the 180 rules for over a year and there's no changes. I need to take it up a notch but not sure how I can in my circumstances.

What does it matter if I'm seeing someone now after almost 6 months? He's the one who cheated not me. I'm with the kids all the time, no income, going to school, was left stranded how would I find the time to be with someone else?. I'm not having "sleepovers" like my H is doing. What is the meaning behind him needing to know if there's another man? Just the fact that he's not the only one who has moved on? Since he's found nothing and I have told him there is no one else...what's his ammo still? I put in a keylogger on Wednesday and he's been going throug hall my files, photos and any changes or deleted items on the computer. He can't get into my room anymore has has been very sullen since Monday when he discovered the new lock. He has however began talking more to me about randome things.

I told my H I wanted to R and go to MC, his response was that maybe he should do IC. That was the end of it. It will be 3 weeks this Sunday and I really want to kick him off the fence hard and so I am trying to get my ducks in a row before I begin the shots to him. First I will be dumping his clothings at the OW doorstep..which is really of her parents house since OW lives in the basement. I figure that will bring him out of the fog just enough to confront me which is whereI will again put that line in the sand VERY clear this time..HER OR ME and that's the end of it..find your balls NOW!

We are communicating only about the kids, small daily current events, NOTHING about us...we never do until I get to a point of needing to address issues. I try to 180 as much as I can but again the circumstances make it difficult. I need to shake him up and get him out of his PA cycle, because when I engage him he opens up and shows me emotions. He always goes back to the cycle I have no idea if things are progressing nicely or not with the OW during this time.

While he was looking thru things on the computer last night he found the 180 list, the 40 love dares info and a letter I had written to him basically my R letter with all the rules and regualtions but I hadn't given it to him. Last night was the first time he left really early in a long time with no reason.


Actions speak louder then words..

Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Vancouver, Canada
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MRSery,

Last night was the first time he left really early in a long time with no reason.
There may very well have been a reason. It could have been a bit sobering for him to read those things he found.

I hate to be optimistic sometimes, because I have seen it not pan out too many times, but your WH seems to be thinking about things, even if he isn't talking about them.

I keep going back to what happened to me, or rather what happened to my BW. She started taking care of herself. She wasn't going to go out and have an RA or anything, but she was going to do what was good for her. She was going to leave the kids with me, which would have made a huge impact on the fantasy that I was imagining with OW. But I don't think that BW was going to be filing for D. She was going to do what she wanted/needed in order to take care of herself and at the same time she was going to force me to grow up with a reality that I hadn't thought about before.

Have you outed the affair? Who knows about it?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:

Do you as WS want to know when you BS is hurting and triggering?

My situation:

It's 2 weeks until our sons high school graduation. I have been stressing and hurting/crying quietly because it really, really hurts because SAWH MOW will be there.

Last night, I said to SAWH that I'm hurting terribly because of having to be there in the presence of the MOW.

SAWH: "Then don't go."

Me: "You're telling me not to go to our sons graduation?"

SAWH: "I don't know what else to tell you."

Me: "I need you to see that I'm hurting and try to understand that".

My SAWH doesn't want me to let him know I'm hurting. He also has told me recently that he feels no remorse.

[This message edited by momoffive at 7:31 PM, May 31st (Tuesday)]


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

I have been reading random posts all over SI and often come across discussions about LTAs and the possibility of total change in the WS.

The consensus from both members and professionals seems to be that it is very unusual for a WS who has engaged in multiple LTAs, over a long period of time, to change. That the behaviour pattern is set and that the WS will eventually cheat again.

I would love to hear from FWSs who engaged in multiple LTAs over a long period of time and are now completely remorseful. I can't seem to find any myself.

R with FWH seems to be going well but I still have some really bad days and some success stories of this kind would really help me.

If anyone knows of any could you please let me know (pm if necessary) as I'd love to hear about some success stories.

You can read my story in my profile.

Thanks

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, May 29th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can any of the FWH/WHs give me some insight into the mindset of the OW and how, once the fantasy bubble starts to burst, she lets her guard down??

Here's why I'm asking: My STBXH NEVER badgered me during our 15 year M. I never badgered him. If there was something we couldn't do b/c of work or kids or something we couldn't afford, we just accepted it. I don't think OW is like that and my IC says we are probably seeing the start of their whole fantasy breaking apart.

In the past two weeks, STBXH has badgered me incessantly about giving in on certain things that we've already agreed to. My IC says he comes to these agreements, one of them was an important one about the kids, because he knows they are right. He knows that it's the right thing to do. However, he then tries to backtrack and convince me to agree to something else that obviously has nothing to do with the best interests of the kids, only the best interests of him. It seems to me that he's got a "little birdy" chirping in his ear about what he should and should not be doing and that she doesn't like his decisions. It's really odd to see, given that his personality was never like this with me. It's like he's desperate to make everyone somewhat happy - of course, I am not the primary concern at this point, but he knows that I am not being unreasonable and am really thinking of our children's well being. It's amazing that he would even attempt to sacrifice that for another person. ...

Is this the mindset of these OW? Let me say this while also telling you that OW is also divorced herself and my STBXH is the THIRD married man she's been with. ...


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jan 2011
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, May 29th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would love to hear from FWS who finally found the empathy that was lacking while in A for the pain and anguish the kids feel especially adult kids, and will continue to feel as long as a relationship continues with AP? Can you describe the new-found empathy after leaving A? Is it so different than while being in the A or rationalizing that things will eventually be ok with your relationship with your kids? Just need to hear how your thinking and empathy changes when stepped out of A.
Thanks so much!

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
archernine
♀ Member
Member # 31898
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 30th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle to understand how an A can last for little over a year if the WS knew an affair was wrong. A little background: H started seeing the OW less and less but continued the A despite wanting to end it all. He stopped sleeping with OW in Dec '10 but didn't break it off until Feb of this year. My FWH keeps telling me he only stayed because he didn't
know what to do or how to leave.

Question for FWS's: Is it possible to stay in A for longer than you really want to or is this some kind of excuse?


An affair isn't like taking pottery ... they always end disastrously...and it's the one thing in my life I would undo if I could-- from the movie, Unfaithful.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momoffive:
Why does the AP have to be at the graduation?
Is there any way you can go and Sorry1 stat home?

Also, Sorry1s response to you was pretty shitty, IMHO. He needs to be more understanding. Its a no-brainer. There are times when its hard to tell if the BS is struggling, that's why communication is key. That's also why threads like,"How Much Does My BS Hurt?" exist over in the WS forum.

His response to you was immature, selfish and mean. Plain and simple.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura:
Just want you to know you've been heard. I don't have an answer for you but I'll pop over to the WS side and let them know about your question.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme:
IMHO, it sounds to me like your XH & the AP are clearly in the courting phase and everything is sunshine & roses.

Obviously from the AP's track record & from common sense I'm sure you can tell their "relationship" won't last long as well as that they both seem terribly selfish. Sorry he's being an ass, but the dam will break. Two people like this won't last long.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove:
I don't have a lot of advise for you as our
DS is very young and unaware of what happened.

I didn't realize how much damage I had done & how little I was helping till my H showed me SI & What Every WS Needs To Know as well as How Much Does My BS Hurt?

Those 2 threads really helped me pull my head out of my ass. The same might not go for your spouse, but change can only happen when the individual is truly ready.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Archer:
I have read of WS wanting to leave an A but kept putting it off for various reasons. Some were being threatened to have the A revealed by the AP, some were afraid the BS would leave, etc.

Your D-day is very, very recent. It's a very good possibility your WS was and still is in the fog. Good luck with your MC, keep posting & get your WS on here when your ready.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is out of the house for about 2 weeks now. He has been denying that there is Any contact with OW I had found out about previously. I had contacted OW at the time of finding out and my WH assured me that she wanted nothing to dO with him anymore. FF to this past weekend; WH and I are at one of my kids events, we have been trying to work on things, he keeps telling me he's not ready to come home yet. My WH seems obsessed and sneaky with his phone. I took his phone from him. After an hour of investigating his phone, an email pops uP from OW confirming wy worst fears. Affair is still ongoing and is PA and EA. I confront her via text and confront him. It's ugly. Later he texts me with hope your happy. I text him with a piece of my mind. Hours later he texts me with "are you gOne yet?" meaning he wished I'd leave the country and leave him alone. I responded "yes" at 1am he text me again with same question and again I responded "yes".

Next day, my son has event at school asks me to come, asks his dad to come. We stay Away from each other. At lunch WH goes to buy a slice of pizza, walks by me, gives me half and continues on his way. Later on he leaves event. I call his parents house where he's staying to talk to Inlaws about arrangements for kids. WH answers, catches me off guard considering he told son he was leaving event to go to work. We argue . I ask him why he won't apologize to me. He says with venom he will never apologize to me and that he doesn't owe me anything.

He hangs up on me. I text him and basically tell him Off and threaten him with lawyer, calling ow as witness in divorce proceedings, child support etc...he texts me with "I have nothing I can do." I told him all I needed was an apology and he can't give me that. He then finally says "I love you guys, and I am more sorry then you know. I am sorry my anger leads me to do hurtful things. I am sick in the head and it's no reflection on you." I told him I was crushed by what he did, he said he was too. He also said "life has kicked the crap out of me I have nothing left". I haven't stopped crying since. His apology sent me from the anger phase to a meltdown.

This was early afternoon, I told him how badly I was hurting he said "me too, more then you know". I expected to hear from him later on, even a text to say "how are you doing?" nothing...so I guess my question is how sincere was the apology if it came only after threats and he wouldn't dO it on the phone or in person? I feel that him not checking to see how I was doing last night means he wasn't all that sincere...I just want to know he's sorry. Is that so bad?


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 828 | Registered: May 2011
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, To any WS who "moved out" or were thrown out, did you still consider it an affair after you were out of the house? I do and I'm not sure If I can anymore now that he's gone. Last question, I confronted the woman, and she told me she wanted nothing more tO do with him. I feel that all I've done is make WH want her more. (you know the old adage wanting what you can't have). Is this the case?

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 5:55 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)]


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 828 | Registered: May 2011
archernine
♀ Member
Member # 31898
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stilllovinghim- I appreciate the input. I don't believe my H is still in the fog. If this was during the beginning of the A, I would say he definitely was still in the fog. He is remorseful and has no contact with the OP though she still fishes. It's too long to get into that whole issue here. We had a talk about this very issue last night for a few reasons. It is a combination of what you said: the OP is unstable and he was afraid of what she might do. The big issue is this is a woman who is a police officer and she isn't exactly sane at times. Also, he feared my response once I found out about the A.


An affair isn't like taking pottery ... they always end disastrously...and it's the one thing in my life I would undo if I could-- from the movie, Unfaithful.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Red  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momoffive, your language is inappropriate for this thread. The people you're asking for help are former waywards and OPs, so throwing out words like "whore" is not helpful. Keep it clean and post respectfully.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

archernine
Question for FWS's: Is it possible to stay in A for longer than you really want to or is this some kind of excuse?

I will say that I stayed in my A for much longer than I wanted. Why? I'm still working on that. My A was 2+ years. It was like an addiction and I couldn't say NO to AP. My guilty conscience kicked in farily early, and I kept waiting for his to kick in. Initially it was just all 'fun and games' and I really thought it would die out sooner than later. It didn't. He was way more into it than I was and I let him keep dragging me back in. It took a long time for me to be able to stand up for myself, even to a MOM.

I'm not sure this answers your question about it being an excuse, because even as I work on my own brokenness, everything still feels like I am making excuses. I do love this thread because it helps me to keep digging and thinking.

Peace to you, archernine.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Stage
♀ New Member
Member # 28286
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

My question is my XWS is living with his affair partner. Never told his children, me or his family. They have been carrying on for 2.5 yrs now. He is angry at me because I won't speak to him or be his friend. He came down this past weekend for our sons graduation and didn't tell me, his children or his family he was bringing her. Everyone was shocked. He introduced her as his fiance. I'm devastated. He has lied, cheated and tore our family apart. Why is he so angry at me. He accuses me of being a bad mother and threatens constantly to take the kids away. Sends awful texts (to which I don't respond) he also says he still has feelings for me, but doesn't miss me. If I had cleaned better we would still be together. I don't understand. Why he acts like this? Can someone please give me some insight? Thanks so much


Married 19yrs. HS sweethearts together for 23years
Me - BS 39
Him - WS 39
DS-19
DS-16
DS-13
DD-11
Her - AP 32, two children, married 14 years.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Texas
itsallgone
♀ Member
Member # 32197
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is being mean, vicious mean. Since I found out he went from a loving affectionate husband, to a mean, cold, heartless man that I dont recognize, overnight. This weekend he said to me (In his most venomous voice "you want to know the truth?? YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE, Ive been looking for this girl for 20 years and It didnt matter who I was married to, it just happened to be you". He then told me that she is moving here to live with him as soon as we get out of this house and they will get married and start a family of their own. Who the hell is this guy??? The man I knew would never treat me like this. He has disrespected and rejected everyone that has tried to reach out to him and he is uprooting my baby and my two beautiful stepchildren and leaving this path of destruction. CAN SOME WS's PLEASE GIVE ME SOME PERSPECTIVE???


Me BW: 37
Him: WS 37
Baby Girl 9 months old
Amazing Step Kids: G/10, B/8
DDay: 4/15
DIVORCING...and he is signing away all rights on our baby so he wont have to pay support. I'll have peace of mind that I never have to turn her over to the

Posts: 89 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Georgia
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stage, wow!

Has your D been finalized? Sounds like he is playing head games. Maybe the shine has worn off with AP and he's upset that you're not still pining for him to come back to you. Bringing her to the graduation was to get a reaction out of you. I'd be wary of the threats to take the kids - stay NC with him and ignore his attempts to get your attention. And that's not even WS advice, that's woman to woman advice. ((stage))


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
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