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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itsallgone:

I hope you are taking good care of you and your kids. Sadly, it sounds like he's made a choice and there is no turning back. Have you checked out the S/D forum? You might get some good feedback from others that are going through the same things as you. Most here are remorseful FWS trying to heal and save a family. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsallgone: i don't know if this is allowed, as I'm a bs, but I just wanted to say, I wish you would reconsider leaving your home and letting him have it. He's the one leaving not you. If he can afford to stay there himself, then he can afford to pay for you to stay there while you are under mental and emotional distress. I wouldnt make those decisions that quickly. You might regret them. Just think about it...


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 828 | Registered: May 2011
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken1Again...

This thread is not for BS's to dialogue on.

Please use General or the other forums for that.

Thank you


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192070 | Registered: May 2002
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28,

I was in a LTA(year long). I even moved in with her, but it was not a multiple ocurrence.

People who have multiple LTA's are not stable. They are searching for a forever high that is not possible to get.They are not satisfied with what they have..the grass is greener is a motto for them..
Although it is possible for a person that has multiple LTA's to come to their senses and realize they can be content,It will be a rarity. Most people will say that we are wired for affairs. This could be true, however we have what no other creature on this planet has, that's free will. We can choose not to conform or obey the urges.

As a woman I know that you see and have seen attractive men. Some may have tempted you, but you listened to the voice of reason.

Someone who has multiple LTA's has a very distorted voice of reason. Their voice of reason complies with their offenses and tells themit is ok.

While your voice of reason says..that sure could be exciting, but the damage that will be done is not worth it.

It all goes to your mindset.

Are you for just yourself or are you for your partner?

We as humans can be really selfish, that is why we admire people who can be selfless. Our bodies are programmed to survive. Going against that instinct is commended.

People who have multiple LTA's are all about themselves. They may even care deeply about their spouse and family, but the pull of self-gratification outweighs the need to be rational and self-less.
Just to re-iterate, a person that has multiple LTA's can change if they really, really want to, however...it's not a common thing.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Floridaredman:

Can you please provide some insight on my most recent question re: the mindset of the OW. I believe that you and I have communicated about this issue just a bit in the past and now that I see you were with OW for a year and even moved in with her, I'm really interested in your feedback.

Thanks!


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jan 2011
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme,

I wanted to answer about the midset of the OW, but the only perspective I have on your issue comes from my father's OW who he later married. Once they were together, she simply had different ideas of what life would be like. Dad wanted to be as present and giving with his kids as he'd always been. She saw it as too much, and pressured him to focus on her, the new woman in his life. It killed him, but he pulled back and did everything he could to keep the peace. It's been 30 years now, and she still pulls the strings and upsets a very delicate balance from time to time. It is especially hard now that grandkids are part of the equation.

I don't know that this answers your questions, but I tend to see it as natural, and expected even, that she wants to do things differently. Doesn't make it any easier for you to navigate the changing currents. Would be nice if you STBXH and my Dad had the guts to stand up and do what was right, even if OW doesn't like it.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Stage
♀ New Member
Member # 28286
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WWNOMORE,

THANKS FOR THE REPLY. OUR DIVORCE HAS BEEN FINAL SINCE JULY OF LAST YEAR AND HE REFUSED TO SIGN THE FINAL UNTIL NOVEMBER. WAS STILL WITH ME AT CHRISTMAS AND THEN MOVED IN WITH HER IN FEB. THE LAST TWO TIMES HE HAS BEEN HERE, I HAVE NOT SEEN HIM OR TALKED TO HIM. SHE SEEMS VERY CLINGY AND RESENTFUL. MY XBIL AND I ARE STILL FRIENDS AND SHE ASKED HIM TO BE HER FRIEND ON FB AND IT TOOK HIM AWHILE AND HE FINALLY DID. SHE MESSAGED HIM AND SAID "ABOUT TIME". THIS WAS HER FIRST TIME HERE AND HE WAS INTRODUCING HER AS HIS FIANCE. HIS TEXTS TO ME LAST NIGHT WERE ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY (WHO IS VERY NICE, AND GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE), BUT I AM HELPING HIM WITH HIS BUSINESS AND THAT'S IT. WELL THIS WEEKEND I WENT OUT OF TOWN WITH HIM AND HAD A GREAT TIME, NOTHING HAPPENED. IN ONE SENTENCE HE SAYS HE HAS FEELINGS AND ANOTHER HE DOESN'T MISS ME, ETC. I JUST CAN'T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND HIS ANGER. HE HAS HER AND STILL ISN'T HAPPY. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND LOVED HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING, BUT STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT THE MINDSET. THANKS AGAIN FOR THE REPLY AND NC IS WHERE I'LL BE AGAIN.


Married 19yrs. HS sweethearts together for 23years
Me - BS 39
Him - WS 39
DS-19
DS-16
DS-13
DD-11
Her - AP 32, two children, married 14 years.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Texas
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme,

The OW is/can be the"little birdy" in your ear. The xOW I had was very jealous of my wife and kids. She would get very angry if I had to talk to my wife or kids. They can be very influential to a foggy WS. You get stressed for trying to please "two masters" and it all comes tumbling down. The OW gets frustrated because she doesn't want to share .

It is a totally messed up situation, but that is what affairs do. The WS living with the OW is trying to keep her pleased (that makes me sick to say that) so he will flip flop in things agreed upon with the BS BECAUSE of the OW's influence. So yes their guard does come down.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
oneheart
♂ Member
Member # 31935
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious, particularly from wayward women. Why did you stay after your affair? Did any of you stay for financial reasons?
I can not definatively say my WW stayed for financial reasons, but it seems like she did. There is no intimacy. When I have been able to overcome my worries and try any form of intimacy (even after 13 years) I am told I don't respect her or that I am too pushy. Which tears me up inside.

Please don't judge anyone who replies. I just want to get some honest answers.


Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.
"Trust But Verify"
BS w/WW Married for 20+ years now.
Two nearly grown children.
Dday1: Feb 12th, 1998. Emotional Affair (my friend and coworker)
Dday2: July 1st, 1998. First Physical Affair (her coworker)

Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Southern Indiana
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oneheart -

Why did you stay after your affair?

This question can be better answered if your WW can answer why she had the affair in the first place. I personally never wanted to leave my marriage. I have no issues with my H - he is the best man I know. The OM had nothing on him. My affair had nothing to do with my H.

I can not definatively say my WW stayed for financial reasons, but it seems like she did.

If you have good reason to feel this way, you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker. It is your choice entirely.

There is no intimacy.

Why? I presume when you were dating and first got married that intimacy was easier to come by. What changed? Was it the kids? Did she feel abandoned? Did she have good reason to feel abandoned? Or did she just flip a switch?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen - My apologies. I've changed my post. I should have waited a few days before I posted it. It was still so fresh. My apologies to anyone that I offended.

stilllovinghim - MOW daughter is in the same graduating class as my and SAWH son.


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
HopingNPraying
♀ Member
Member # 28030
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28,

I'm not sure I quite fit what you are looking for. I had several ONSs while dating and married to my BH and I had a couple LT EAs. I never had a LT PA and am not sure if that matters to you.

My EAs were as painful to my BH as my ONSs, maybe moreso. I know the last one was because I was pulling farther and farther away from my family and even trying to figure out if I could get my EAP to leave his BW for me. (Wow. It's hard to type that.)

We're only 1.5 years past our first D-day and I know I have a lot of work to do, so I am certainly not claiming that everything is peaches and cream. However, I can honestly say I feel like I am thinking about relationships in a healthy way for the first time in 30 years. I am ashamed of what I was and am filled with remorse for the pain I caused my BH and my DD.

I truly believe I will never go back to being that completely selfish person I was for so long.

I enjoy the freedom of living in the open - having nothing to hide.

I am ashamed to admit that my BH did more heavy lifting than I did to turn my thinking around. For months I fought him, holding onto truly irrational viewpoints because to let them go required admitting that I was the selfish, lying, infidel that I was. Every day now I thank the Lord for my BH - for the love he has for me and the strength to be there for me.

It's possible for folks with multiple A's over many years to change and feel remorse. I'm ashamed I didn't do more of the heavy lifting myself and wish I had done so to spare my BH the pain.

I hope this helps you. Feel free to PM me.

I wish peace and strength to you.

HNP


BS 50, FWW/SLA 44 (me), M 18 yrs,
DD 15
DDay#1 1/2/10: ONS #1 ('95) & EA (7/'09 - 1/'10); DDay#2 1/7/10: ONS #3 (2001); DDay#3 3/15/10: ONS #2 (1998); DDay#4 4/19/10: ONS while dating (1991); more DDays: EA while M & ONSs while dating

Posts: 105 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Virginia
archernine
♀ Member
Member # 31898
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wwnomore- you really gave me some great input. My H talks of the same thing you mentioned. I think he's starting to dig deeper and sees his not leaving was about a combination of things. One of the things which stood out to me is of all of the long term relationships, he didn't leave because he didn't want to hurt the women he was involved with.

We have MC on Thursday so this is definitely something I will bring up in the session. I wish you peace on your journey as well. I thank you for answering, it helped me a great deal.


An affair isn't like taking pottery ... they always end disastrously...and it's the one thing in my life I would undo if I could-- from the movie, Unfaithful.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HopingNPraying

Thanks so much for your response. Although your sich IS somewhat different from my FWH's it did help me reading your response esp after I read your profile.

Good luck with your R and congratulations on "getting it".

I hope you and your H have a long and happy life together

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

floridaredman

Thank you for your thoughts. I believe you are right. The essence I believe is FWH's selfishness

People who have multiple LTA's are all about themselves. They may even care deeply about their spouse and family, but the pull of self-gratification outweighs the need to be rational and self-less.

I think this has been FWH's problem all our lives. He has often been very selfish but I didn't worry about it too much. I was happy to do what it took to make him happy (because I loved him) even if it meant life was not so good for me.

Now I suppose he has realised he could lose me because of his As. In a way it's a bit sad. I now have to accept the reason he is staying is again because of his selfishness. He wants to stay with me because that is what HE wants. KWIM??? Maybe I'm just rambling. My head is a bit "confuddled" at times

I'll have to think on this a little more

Anyway, thanks again for your response

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momof5:
Ok, so I see why she and you as well as Sorry1 have to be there. Understood. However, his response to you still could have been less cold.

Im sorry your day is going to have to involve the AP, but try not to let it ruin your day. Try not to let her see your bothered by her presence one iota. Don't let her take anymore away from you.

Is there anyway that Sorry1 could stay home and celebrate with the family after wards? If your uncomfortable or feeling awkward because of this, let him know. Maybe you guys can come to a compromise.

Say, you can attend the graduation and then Sorry1 can take your DS to dinner? Just a suggestion...


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
lostall
♀ Member
Member # 6490
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

>>>Question for FWS's: Is it possible to stay in A for longer than you really want to or is this some kind of excuse?<<<

Speaking for myself, I hated being in an A from the get-go. So I would say, yes, people can be very ambivalent about it.

Is ambivalence an excuse? To some extent, yes.

Doing something that you are sure you shouldn't, doing something that you don't really want to be doing: it is not a black and white thing. People do get tangled up in the 'ifs, buts, ors' of these situations. Once in, it's not easy to get out.

On one hand that is a simple observation (it really isn't easy to get out). On the other hand it's an excuse (because it isn't easy, I lack the will power/determination to get out).

Seeing and acknowledging the ambivalence goes a long way to owning up to what you're doing, as a WS. Might even go a ways to understanding, for a BS.

Hope this helps.


FWS
Divorced

Posts: 960 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Europe
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, here's another one.

I'm wondering how long the guilt lasted for the WSs, especially the ones that left for the OW. I have a colleague who sort of dismissed my idea that STBXH has to be stuffing down his feelings and avoiding the whole bomb that is our dead relationship because he avoids EVERYTHING. He never even told the truth about when he started seeing this OW. It was pretty clear that it well before he moved out, but he didn't have the guts to say it. I don't think he would ever have the guts to say what's really going on in his mind and I believe that, while he wanted to leave, there were lots of other issues going on with him. It was clear.

Anyway, this colleague basically said, "guilt will only take you so far", meaning that STBXH is probably pretty happy by now that he left us or else he would have come back.

Is this true? Obviously, no one can tell me for sure since all situations are different, but is it really true that they move on and don't look back with even a tinge of guilt? What about when they still wish you Happy Mother's Day and Happy Birthday and try to initiate conversations about the kids, etc.? Am I just stupid for thinking that 15 years and a great friendship could really just get thrown out the window for nothing but a skank and there is no residual feeling that he will ever have from it????

Oh, and P.S., I think that this colleague also is a WS, he just hasn't brought that out in the open yet. He recently left his wife and little kids for reasons that are just as vague as any WSs can say.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 11:27 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jan 2011
onlysolution
♀ Member
Member # 23160
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you please provide some insight on my most recent question re: the mindset of the OW. I believe that you and I have communicated about this issue just a bit in the past and now that I see you were with OW for a year and even moved in with her, I'm really interested in your feedback.

Thanks!

I was an MOW, but I was not really like this at all (at least I couldn't see it if I was!) and I always believed that a lot of the negative stuff about OW's who become stepmoms was exaggerated. However, I have a friend in this category and observing her with her now common-law spouse (left his wife for her a few years ago) I am often pretty dismayed. She does not care about his kids at all, she wants him and his ex-wife to hate each other and pushes that agenda. I was shocked when I said to her that it was too bad they couldn't get along better (ex-wife and him) because it would be better for the kids as they share custody, and she replied that she did not want them to get along. She is very self-centered in this area but cannot see it. I feel very sad for his children and him as well because I think eventually he will no longer be with this woman and he will regret all the lost years with his kids.


FWW: Me 52
BH: 54
Married 34 years
Recovery - Over 4 years

Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2009
onlysolution
♀ Member
Member # 23160
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious, particularly from wayward women. Why did you stay after your affair? Did any of you stay for financial reasons?

I agreed to stay originally because I realized I could not be a person who walked away and left others hurting. My BH asked me to stay and try. Financially, I am way better off staying, but I would have been OK leaving and this was not a reason at the time. Since then I have thought about how much better off I am, but still it is more about family, love and caring than about finances.


FWW: Me 52
BH: 54
Married 34 years
Recovery - Over 4 years

Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2009
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