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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF

Thank you so much for taking time out to reply to my looooong post. It means alot!

Im curious when you said he won't be the one to file what you mean by that? Also, any advice if I'm handling this correctly...I have gone totally 180 should I be doing that or should I be fighting for his soul, or am I fighting for his soul by doing the 180? Maybe fighting for his soul sounds hokey...but I really feel that way

Thank you again, for any and all responses, I can't express my appreciation enough. I am just so lost and so sad.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 3:00 PM, June 4th (Saturday)]


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 828 | Registered: May 2011
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question. We are a few weeks into mc and NC was established about a month ago. WW bumped into OM today and is obviously down about it - she also wasn't going to tell me about it but she did.

She is struggling she says to come back to the m. I have told her it is early days but I'm worried she might bail - she says no but it is hard for her and obviously for me too.

Not a very specific question but is there anything I can do here?


Divorced

Posts: 854 | Registered: Jan 2011
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even after I sent the NC letter there was a period of withdrawal, of realizing the NC was permanent. Seeing the OM would have been a very difficult trigger- not so much because I wanted to be with him... but because of the tremendous amount of shame it would have brought up.

Did you tell her that it meant a lot that she was truthful about the contact? Hearing things like that gave me hope for our marriage. I needed to hear that my H saw the changes I was making and that he thought we'd make it through.

I think it's a really good sign that she was honest with you. It sounds like the A fog is clearing. She did the right thing because she knew it was right. That's positive!


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen - she did tell me but only when I found her deleting a text - asked her about it and she said it was from a friend that was also at the event where OM was at and mentioned it in the text. So she then told me.

Then that night she was all not sure how she is feeling. Told her we need to try to spend some time together and she said she was struggling to relax with that. Doesn't feel good right now. I am trying to be encouraging as you suggest but just not sure it's going anywhere.

She is out again today working and then at a charity lunch - I am very triggery and she could tell I wasn't good - she did her best to be reassuring and was upset to see me sad and worried. Sometimes it feels like it's all just words though. Sorry - not a good day today but thanks for your response.


Divorced

Posts: 854 | Registered: Jan 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I re-read your earlier post...maybe I should say that I would be surprised if he actually is the one to file or if it gets done in a timely manner.

he wants me to be the one to end it and tell him to "go to hell" it would make it easier for him. So I told him to "go to hell". He promised me he won't contact me anymore
This seems pretty straightforward that he is saying he will be the one who is going, but the way he did it was putting the final word with you.

When I was responding last time, I just kept thinking of my own situation. I would not have been able to file. I was waiting for my BW to file and I was going to give her everything to further alleviate any conflict in my own head about what I was really doing.

I think that in most cases, that person the BS married is still in there somewhere. This is just another great example of how it is really up to the WS to want to R (read as "fix themselves"). Which is to say, you can't do anything about that. You need to be doing the 180 for yourself, not to save his soul.

My BW fought for my soul and then found SI and shortly after did a 180 of sorts. She started taking care of herself. She stopped fighting for my soul and for one of the first times in her life she started taking steps to take care of herself.

Your WH may end up filing, I don't know, but he will likely always remember that you were the one who told him to get the hell out. He will force himself to not remember that he asked you to say it.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
oneheart
♂ Member
Member # 31935
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to suggest you just make a section in the forums for BS to ask questions of WS, and another for the other way around. This would allow the subject matter to be explicitly covered in the topic title as well and make it easier to find answers to similar questions.

It is difficult to sort through this and put pieces together concisely. It also allows some questions to get lost and forgotten.

If nothing else take this as a suggestion. Sorting through 30+ pages and 5 different posts without a workable search routine makes this difficult.

I know someone thinks this is a good idea, but please reconsider.


Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.
"Trust But Verify"
BS w/WW Married for 20+ years now.
Two nearly grown children.
Dday1: Feb 12th, 1998. Emotional Affair (my friend and coworker)
Dday2: July 1st, 1998. First Physical Affair (her coworker)

Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Southern Indiana
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oneheart...

We are not creating any seperate forums. These threads provide valuable information should users take the time to read them


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192070 | Registered: May 2002
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder how things get so out of hand and out of control for the WS.

Mine has just self medicated and self destructed in every facet of his life - with me, his kids, his credit, etc. It's as if he just wanted to escape and found the worst possible way to do it. Then when he found himself in a tricky situation with this woman, who by the way is his subordinate and they apparently are not real "out" at work since that can cause massive problems as we all know, and a bad situation with massive debt that he was hiding from me, he just seemed to give up and go the other way. He was too afraid or ashamed to even talk to me about the mistakes that he'd made.

I wonder where that comes from. Was he afraid of the consequences and thought it would be just easier to make another life in fantasy world?


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jan 2011
Feelnumb
♀ Member
Member # 32242
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme- I wonder all the same things myself. I think the answer is yes. Fantasy Land is way more fun than Reality World.

Any WS here have their BS go completely NC on them? What were you thinking/feeling when they did?

Thanks,


Me: BW- 33
Him: WH- 35
No kids
DDay- 3/2011
WH refused any reconciliation attempt. Separated.
Update- Filed for Divorce; should be final by 3/12

Posts: 219 | Registered: May 2011
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of questions for any WS's-

Even though I finally D my xwh, i have a few nagging questions that my xws would not confirm so I am hoping that another WS might give his/her opinion :)
My xwh blindsided me and told me he wanted a D, stating that he had not loved me for the past 6 yrs and then he confessed to 7 mo. EA/PA and that he loved OW, who was his maid while working in the Philippines for 8 months. She is 30 yrs younger than him (53 yrs vs. 23 yrs currently). He told me that he was going to file, and supposedly had the papers to fill out. WH moved out 4 days after DDay. Almost 2 months later, he had not filed, so I filed while he was visiting OW in the Philippines for a week. His traveling to see her was one more stab in my heart and I refused to be disrespected any more! When xwh returned to the US, I informed him that I had filed and that he would be getting served soon. He acted angry, asked me why I filed because he was going to Do you think he really was going to file and if so, why was he dragging his feet? BTW, this is his 2nd D, he filed with the first marriage. I'm not really certain about his 1st marriage/D- he has always avoided the subject saying that they had "grown apart". Since then, I have confirmed with a former friend of his that he had been verbally, emotionally abusive to 1st wife. As the friend said, "it was always about HIM!" and this friend had also tried to warn me about him before we got married- of course, I DIDN"T listen!

In January, I asked xwh to meet for coffee and chat, with no walls up, be open and honest with each other. He agreed but was very "skeptical" and untrusting. That 1st meeting went well enough that we continued to meet fairly regularly. The meetings were held at a coffee shop, etc and started out with asking how each of us was, our jobs, my parents, etc. That part of the conversation usually turned back to him and how he didn't like his job, the co-workers were idiots, he couldnt find another job he liked, etc. then we would talk about the kids. They live with me and he only sees them when he is available so there is no set visitation time. I continue to see IC to help with healing and to help me understand whs behavior and issues. My IC was also our MC for a few times until xwh told her that he was only coming to "help me through this" and that he was not intersted in R. Xwh also saw IC on his own twice but didn't go back because he didn't agree with her. IC has discussed with me xwh's possible NPD along with FOO issues. Along with IC, I have been reading many relationship books, so I wanted to discuss the books with xwh. He seemed open to the idea and even asked to read a couple of them when I was done. I also printed out some of the info in the Healing Library and asked him to read. He said he would. At one meeting, he even told me that he had thought about R, but that he didn't know if he could "trust" me- WTF?? At our last meeting, I was wanting to discuss a section of a book on "projecting" so I was asking him a few questions about his father and xwh's relationship (deceased, WH, alcoholic, Divorced 3 times broke).
He got very angry with me and told me I didn't know anything about his father (I had been around him many times before his death). Then xwh turned totally around personality-wise and said very accusing/mean things to me again. I could see that the meeting was not going well so I told him the meeting was over and that I was done talking to him because he was so thick in the "fog" . Also, during this meeting, he told me that he was still planning on OW coming to the US, even though, he admitted that they have had a few knock-down, drag-out fights in their conversations. My question, is xwh having a MLC, FOO issues,??? do you think he may ever realize what he has lost?

Thanks for your input!


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Suckstobeme,
He was too afraid or ashamed to even talk to me about the mistakes that he'd made.
This was true, for me. I always tried to avoid the consequences of my mistakes and failures by hiding them. Even after d-day, I had thoughts of flight, of just leaving everything behind and start over somewhere else, like it would be easier. Not better, mind - but easier. I didn't aspire to be a good person, merely to appear to be one. Perhaps your ex husband had (has) similar ideas. Just because something is common, doesn't mean it's right .

~L.

edited for grammar.

[This message edited by leftoolate at 3:17 AM, June 9th (Thursday)]


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Faithsurviver,
My question, is xwh having a MLC, FOO issues,??? do you think he may ever realize what he has lost?
Like you, I don't know what his issues are. He probably doesn't even know. Whatever they are, they're causing you serious pain, by the way he behaves. And that won't stop until either he realizes what he's doing and does the work to improve his behaviour or you remove yourself from the situation. You can only control you, not him. He may never realize what he's losing, because he may never have realized what he had.

Then again, he may. But it's up to him. And from what you described, it will not be any time soon.

Good luck. I'm so sorry for what he's doing to you.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ((Lefttoolate))

Any other comments from WS's?


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithsurvivor,

I don't really think it is an MLC issue. I am not even sure he is in a fog. I think there are likely some FOO issues that are over-riding everything else.

He won't talk about his dad, and he won't talk about his first D. Whatever FOO issues there are, it is making him unable to see how ludicrous it is for him to be chasing a 23yo girl from a different country.

He won't get it. Like leftoolate said, it is up to him, and he is showing no signs of being able to work on himself.

He could get there eventually, but by that time you may have already moved on yourself.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 13th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a questions for WS. My husband, called his OW husband, and apologized to him for the affair. The other man accepted his apology, and my husband, told the OW husband, that his wife should call and apologize to me, and she did. Have any of you apologize to you affair partners husband, and do you think this means, my husband has owned his responsibility of his part in the affair. Also, I'm thinking that this is true remorse. What is your opinion.

Thanks


Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, June 14th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hsb:
My A was with a single person, as far as I know, so there was no one else besides my H for me to apologize to.

It looks to me as though your BH has done the right thing by apologizing to the BS of his AP. I'm glad to hear they both apologized. I can't say for certain that your H is remorseful as I don't know your entire story, but it does appear that way.

Now, I will say this: if my AP did have a W or GF or SO, I'd def want to apologize to her. I seriously doubt my AP will ever apologize to any BH, including mine for what he helped do. I honestly don't see it. I know for certain he has zero way of contacting me ever. But if he could, I just really don't see him having the scruples or the cajones to tell my H he's sorry. I know people can change, but you have to have that already in your soul somewhere. I doubt the cowardly fuck has a soul,let alone any gumption!

Anyway, sorry for the t/j, but what your WS did took a lot of nerve to call and apologize. I know there are APs on here who have attempted to contact the BS to apologize. Some were successful, some weren't. But it really says a lot about a persons character when they give a sincere apology, especially not knowing what the other persons reaction is going to be!

***Mods, I apologize if I'm being out of line! Im just referring to only my AP strictly from my personal experience.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 3:30 AM, June 14th (Tuesday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, June 14th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it common for a WS to toss aside everything he knows is right in exchange for trying to make OW happy??

I ask because my STBXH proposed a major change in the visitation schedule that we have stuck to for 9 months now. He wanted to actually trade in time for the kids, obviously because it doesn't suit his new lifestyle with OW. I didn't agree to it and won't. It's not good for the kids to bunch up all the visitation in one shot and then leave them without a visit for many days in a row. He tried to argue that it actually adds time with the kids and it was pathetic. Any way you cut it, it takes time away from them, and leaves them without seeing him for a long time, all the while with them telling me how much they miss daddy.

WTF??? I get that you don't want to be a husband anymore, but how is it that you want to dump the kids too????? So many people fight over more time with their kids and this one is actually proposing less time with them and trying to tell me with a straight face that it's better for them.

Again, I have to ask - WTF?????


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jan 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, June 14th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobeme:

Is it common for a WS to toss aside everything he knows is right in exchange for trying to make OW happy??

It sounds like you are divorcing and your STBXWH has basically abandoned the kids?

Sadly, if you read in the S/D forum, this is way too common.
Fortunately, there are no WS on SI that I know of who have acted this way.


[This message edited by Hope24 at 5:08 AM, June 14th (Tuesday)]


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, June 14th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HSB1963:

Have any of you apologize to you affair partners husband, and do you think this means, my husband has owned his responsibility of his part in the affair.

This is a very situational thing for the WS.

I did not apologize to the BW of the OM, for a number of reasons.

1. My BH requested that I do not have any contact at all with her and I felt that his needs were of the utmost importance at the time.

2. I knew the BW personally and I firmly believe that she would want NC to be maintained.

My situation is very different from yours, obviously, but I would say that your WH's apology was absolutely a sign of character and remorse.

Just wanted to point out that the lack of an apology doesn't mean the reverse.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, June 14th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithsurvivor:

My question, is xwh having a MLC, FOO issues,??? do you think he may ever realize what he has lost?

Sweetie, sometimes it's FOO, sometimes it's the fog, and sometimes they are just a**holes. Your WH may be the latter.

Remorseful waywards don't behave like he does. IMHO, he will probably never get it.

I would suggest you stop analyzing him and start focusing on your own healing. His behavior defies logic.

There's a great book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson that may help you.

Big hugs.

[This message edited by Hope24 at 5:18 AM, June 14th (Tuesday)]


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
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