Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: saveme25 (43179)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does WS find courage and strength to look at the mirror his family represents and tackle the demons of all the pain and destruction the A caused and decide to do the work necessary to make family a priority over self? Why would WS stay with AP who becomes the mask allowing WS to put aside his family because of the hurt and stay in the A relationship with no contact from the WS loving family?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily:

How does WS find courage and strength to look at the mirror his family represents and tackle the demons of all the pain and destruction the A caused and decide to do the work necessary to make family a priority over self?

By making hard decisions about what kind of person we want to be. I was determined to change who I was. It was horrible enough that I betrayed my husband, I couldn't fathom leaving him as well. Even during the A, I knew I loved him and I loved my family as well.

Doing the hard work necessary to change who I was really was ultimately for *me*.

Why would WS stay with AP who becomes the mask allowing WS to put aside his family because of the hurt and stay in the A relationship with no contact from the WS loving family?

Because it allows them to remain in their fantasy world. They don't have to do the hard work of turning over every rock in their psyche to examine the slimy things underneath. It takes courage and strength of character to do that. Many WS do not possess the fortitude necessary.


[This message edited by Hope24 at 9:08 AM, July 16th (Saturday)]


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is for those that ended the A without being caught but didn't confess.

My H had an EA with an XGF. She's too far away for it to have turned PA. I know he never left town and I confirmed with OWBS that she never went anywhere either.

They talked A LOT for nearly 3 months, thousands of texts, facebook, etc. Then one day, he stopped speaking to her completely. No more calls. I know she tried to call him dozens of times because the OWBS compared the phone records I sent him to his own and told me there were many many 1 minute calls from her to him. I told him they weren't on my bill so that would have been her calling and getting voicemail. So, obviously, she still wanted it. Also, I found many messages from her to him after this point crying about how he never cared and blah blah blah.

The texts continued, but mostly from her to him and often going unreturned. He had also deactivated his FB account when I found out.

So, here is the question:

What causes a person to just end an A without cause? Do you realize it's wrong or that you love your spouse?

My H said he did it because she kept talking about 'the good old days' basically, and he enjoyed that. Once she caught on that he only wanted to talk about the past and she'd run out of stories, she started asking about the future and being a little stern about it. She wanted more and he never did, so he says. He said he got bored quickly and just stopped, no explaination to her, nothing. He was done.

He also claims 'she' never meant anything to him and that it was just that 'he' liked hearing all the old stories and whatnot. Not sure why that had to turn into sexting and pics, so I don't quite believe him, but that's another story.

Does any of this sound reasonable or am I just being fed more nonsense?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neverbelieve:

I ended the A without being caught or confessing, so I suppose I qualify.

What causes a person to just end an A without cause? Do you realize it's wrong or that you love your spouse?

After a few months, my ability to compartmentalize the affair began to erode. It became impossible for me to see how it could continue. In my case, I was the AP who didn't want a future with the OM, it was *him* who wanted to ride off in the sunset. I'm a rather atypical WW that way.

At any rate, it was only a week or two before I broke it off with him completely. I was done.

Do you realize it's wrong or that you love your spouse?

I always knew this, even during the A. The A was coping mechanism for me. I used it to self-soothe. I never had any intention of leaving my H and I always knew it was wrong. Otherwise, why would I have hidden it right? Really, the lies I had been telling myself ("this is just for me, it's not doing any harm, he'll never find out") broke down. The facts and reality smacked me in the face. Hard. So I ended it.

she started asking about the future and being a little stern about it. She wanted more and he never did, so he says. He said he got bored quickly and just stopped, no explaination to her, nothing. He was done.

That's pretty much how it happened with me. OM was pushing for a future. I didn't want one with him. I did, however, give him an explanation. I told him that I couldn't/wouldn't continue. Then again, our A was physical whereas your WH's was not.

He also claims 'she' never meant anything to him and that it was just that 'he' liked hearing all the old stories and whatnot. Not sure why that had to turn into sexting and pics, so I don't quite believe him, but that's another story.

The EA was validating to him. The sexual stuff was exciting. It sounds like he got addicted to it for awhile, then he stopped.

Does any of this sound reasonable or am I just being fed more nonsense?

It sounds completely reasonable to me, as it's pretty much exactly what I experienced.

Good luck to you.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 16th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much Hope24. You probably have no idea how much it helps hearing things from a WS, but getting facts from people that have no reason on earth to lie to us is so beneficial to us BSs.

Thank you again.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
lou_lou
♀ New Member
Member # 32668
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question may not be really simple, but here goes:

As a BS, Is there anything that I can do to help my FWH heal? What do you want/need from us?

He seems to compartmentalize his emotions and I am afraid that he isn't dealing with them and eventually they will come back to haunt him.


BS(me) 28
WS 33
OW 29
DD March 6, 2010
R Nov 24, 2010

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2011
Junebug0525
♀ Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, for the WS's that left for the OP...

Did any of you tell your BS that you DIDN'T leave for the OP? XH says this, says we'd be divorced anyway, etc. I don't believe this, and even though at this point I don't care, it just irritates me that he says he didn't leave for her and that "We just grew apart."

Did you say the same things? Did you actually feel that way or did you just try to cover it so the affair didn't look as bad?


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband said that the affair ended, without any closure of break up on his or the OW's part. It just fizzled out. He stop taking her phone and texts. Does this sound right? Any experience with this?

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Junebug:

Ok, for the WS's that left for the OP...

I do not know of any WS's on this site who are in that situation. It would violate the site guidelines.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
anewbeachgirl
♀ Member
Member # 32667
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the WS/former WS/and BS-I never actually got to confront my husband about the affair, as I had just begun to find evidence...Guess I got too close, when I discovered he transferred several thousand dollars out of our accounts and found Phone #'s on a calling card, condoms (that belonged to a friend????wth??) He quietly went into a closest, put a bullet in a gun and came after me. I got away, called 911 and filed for a divorce within a week. We hadn't been fighting and I thought we were happy. I thought he had PTSS or something, but no, he was just a cheater, caught in the act...guess he panicked. anyway, I have never ever confronted him - I found out he's been seen with the OW I suspected him of cheating with...yes. they're now together! Eureka. My question to WS and BS--Do you think it would do anygood, give me closure to ever speak with him. I went from what I thought was a happy marriage to divorce in one week and finding out about the OW. Never have said one word to him. We were never allowed to talk due to the legal issues surround this case. So guess-He'll never know I know-does it even matter? Appreciate any insight...Just feel sad, broken and confused at times.


Me:BS
Him: I divorced him...not much else to say! married: 3 years
Sep:10-2011
Div: 2/11
Kids: 1 Daughter-grown & married
Picking up the pieces of a sweet shattered dream.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jul 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for those that had flings with an old flame: What causes this? Have you had feelings for this person the entire time, or does the contact that happens spark something inside you again? Is it feeling young again or just that there's an attraction there that never died?

thanks


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Hurtsobad1963 - Mine just fizzled out too. I began to realize there was no point in it. We were only hurting others, and ourselves. There was the "what the hell are we doing?" convo, then it just faded into nothing. Trust but verify.

@anewbeachgirl - I hope that in time, it will all come out, because you need that. But in light of what he did to you, I would stay far away for as long as you can. For now, you know all you need to know. (())

@neverbelieve - for me it was an old flame that never died...both of us always wondering what became of the other, and the "what-if" questions. When we reconnected, it seemed destined and all that bs. Part of it was wanting a do-over at life. We'd been separated by circumstances beyond our control. Another part of it was just familiarity. If I was going to step out on my M, at least it was with this guy and not some random person. UGH. Sounds sick. I realized it was a blessing in disguise that we never made it way back when. Too bad I destroyed a happy memory by trying to re-live the past.

Hugs and healing to all BS here. I try to share my experience with that intent.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
I_Do_Exist
♀ Member
Member # 24196
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:

We are two weeks from d-day #2. Both affairs were EAs with young interns my WH hired. Both were short-term (I caught them early) and both were primarily texting/flirtation.

WH insists (INSISTS) that he never would have had any interest or desire to engage in these activities if we had been having sex more often. He says "any man in the world" would do what he did and "probably a lot worse" if they were as sexually unsatisfied as he says he was in our M.

He emphatically believes if we fix *this* part of our marriage, we will fix the whole thing, and we never have to worry about infidelity again.

I have strong feelings about this perspective, but I thought I'd ask for some candid input from WSs as to whether they think WHs argument holds any water.

Thanks.

[This message edited by I_Do_Exist at 11:35 AM, July 21st (Thursday)]


Me: BW / Him: WH
Married 16 years / Together 26 years (high school sweethearts)
9/23/07: D-day #1, EA w/23 year old intern
7/7/11: D-day #2, EA w/different 23 year old intern
8/5/11: D-day #3, False R
Two children (9 & 5)

Posts: 593 | Registered: May 2009
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@IDE - that's a load of bull in my opinion. I had a sexless M, and that had nothing to do with my A at all, and BH was not out doing what I was doing.

That said, I have heard that men in general place more importance on frequency of sex than almost anything else in a M sometimes. His excuse may hold a few drops of water from that perspective. It was no reason to cheat though.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@IDE

That's blameshifting at best, gaslighting at worst.

These are not the words of a remorseful wayward.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would appreciate any input. My husband gave me a fake name of the OW for two years after the affair ended. I was pleading and begging for her real name. In any WS opinion, why would he do this to me, if the affair was over. He kept me in hell for two years. I finally discovered the name through my own PI investigating. Once I found out the name, I outed her to her husband, and all her political committees that she chaired. My husband is the poster child for remorse, in every way, I just can't seem to get over this major lie. It is almost, in my opinion, worst than the actual affair. Thanks for listening.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Hurtsobad1963

He hid her name from you because he was protecting himself and OW. He was afraid of the consequences. That fear was stronger than his feelings of obligation of honesty to you, his BW.

Hopefully, he is digging deep to determine how and why he betrayed you to both make amends and ensure it never happens again.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Hurt24 He had sad that, but, it's so hurtful, that he threw me under the bus, for so long. Do you think that I can get over this?

Thanks for your response


Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think that I can get over this?

(((hurtsobad1963)))

I dunno, hon. This experience is so very different for everyone.

Based on what I've seen on this site for the last five years, I would say that reconciliation and happiness is possible after an A. BUT (big BUT), that is largely dependent upon your WH's ability and willingness to support you through it.

Is he remorseful now? Are you in MC? Is he in IC? Has he figured out why he allowed himself to betray you (and himself), is he transparent with passwords, is he patient when you ask questions?


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, by finding out her real name, and outing her, I also found out that it was PA rather than EA. Also, during that two year time, while he insisted that they did not have sex, I receive a diagnosis of HPV. I know what the statistics say that it can lay dormant for decades, but I find it hard to believe that it never showed up, until after his affair, and we have been married for 21 years. I ask him why he didn't use a condom (we have adult boys, and we are always preaching condom use), he said that she didn't look dirty, or smell. Wow, so now I have to live with a diagnosis that has no cure.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.