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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is very remorseful, and transparent. He changed his cell number, deactivated his facebook. He listens to me whenever I have an outburst, and reassures me. Always saying I'm sorry, I love you. It's just hard to trust him, and I'm afraid that if he was able to lied to me for 2 years, he would be able to lie to me so easily again. He says he never wants to hurt me like that again. I want to believe him, but it is so hard.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HSB1963:

He is very remorseful, and transparent. He changed his cell number, deactivated his facebook. He listens to me whenever I have an outburst, and reassures me. Always saying I'm sorry, I love you.

All good signs. From a wayward perspective he appears to be remorseful. Is he in therapy? Has he read any books on infidelity?

Remorse is just part of the equation. The other part (and the most difficult) is figuring out why he allowed himself to cheat and how he will prevent it from happening again. Without this, the likelihood of another A remains high.

It's just hard to trust him, and I'm afraid that if he was able to lied to me for 2 years, he would be able to lie to me so easily again. He says he never wants to hurt me like that again. I want to believe him, but it is so hard.

Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart It takes time, patience and repeated proof that he has changed his ways in order to re-build trust.

There are no silver bullets, unfortunately.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
holly1125
♀ New Member
Member # 32888
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a question for male WS's that had a hard time dealing with what they had done.

My WS has yet to show what I would call genuine remorse. He has gone with me to a marriage in crisis weekend seminar and he has talked to my IC one time. He talks to me more than he ever has, our communication is aweseome - on everything but the A.

I told him last night that if he does not show me that he is indeed remorseful for the damage he has caused me that I do not think I can stay in the M. He teared up many times when I rehashed all the pain and trauma this has caused me but yet he still said nothing. I even heard him crying some last night when we were in bed (it was extremely quiet and mostly just a sniffle or two). Still nothing. I am going out of town tonight for 2 days and I hope that he will decide to open up but I am doubtful.

It has been 5 months since he ended it with her (I made it end - not him). I have no doubt that he is not seeing her anymore but he just does not seem sorry for what he did. He even told me once that he was not sorry for being unhappy and trying to find happiness. Only one time has he even said he was sorry that he hurt me.

I don't know what to do. Is it possible he is sorry but cannot face it enough to say the words or is he just not remorseful enough?? Please give me advice from a WS man's point of view


Me: BS
Him: WS moved out 7/28/11
D-day: 1/11
Divorce filed: 1/3/12
Divorce final: 3/30/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Louisiana
25yearslater
♀ Member
Member # 32806
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any WS get How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair from their spouse? My WH has asked what he can do to help me. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit and I am going to try to focus on working on me for a while. I was giving it my all to re-building our marriage but a great marriage needs two healthy people. I keep hearing good things about the book but wonder if it would help him help me (especially in with my self esteem issues)? Thanks

[This message edited by 25yearslater at 8:05 PM, July 26th (Tuesday)]


me: 50 yrs old BW
him: 50 yrs old WH
Together: 33 years
Married: 28 years (?)
2 teenagers that we love dearly!
DDay: November 2010
DDay #2: July 30, 2011 found out restarted EA with same MOW (ended before I found out)
DDay #3 & #4: 11/26/11
D

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has probably been asked before, but here goes:

Why didn't you leave when you realized you were even interested in someone else? Why would you stay and deceive your spouse to the degree necessary to have an A?

It's clear that during an A there is little or no respect for the BS, so why not just let them go?

Not trying to be harsh but I cannot understand how it's better to become someone that lies to all parties involved than to stand up and walk out.

Thanks!


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
purplefinch
♀ Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neverbelieve, I would like the answer to that question, too.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@neverbelieve & purplefinch

Because:
We don't think we'll get caught
What you don't know won't hurt you
It would be stupid to throw away a sure thing (you)
We don't think it will get serious
It becomes an addiction that we will do anything to feed
We are quite selfish and need to protect our image
We don't want the kids to go through a D
We can't even fathom the hurt and destruction we've caused

It could be any or all of those, and more. For me, it was because I was too chicken to make the break when I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.

[This message edited by wwnomore at 11:26 AM, July 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wwnomore:

Thank you for your reply. However, I'm still confused. Why want a sure thing that you don't respect?

Also, I don't think it matters if you'll get caught or not, or us not being hurt by what we don't know. WSs still become, during the A, a very deceitful person. Not the kind of person most individuals want to be, I'm sure.

I've read your current status and I feel for you, I do. So, being where you are, you probably understand these questions.

How is it possible to completely lose sight of the person you are and become a deceitful person? Forgetting everything else, doesn't that aspect of affairs bother a WS?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
Dontholien
♀ Member
Member # 32632
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neverbelieve, i know why my WS didnt just leave - it was mainly because i was pregnant and he didnt want to be that bad guy who leaves his pregnant GF for another W.
Another reason was coz he still loved me and our life and he thought he could get away with keeping his 2 different lives seperate.


BS- Me 24
WH- Him 26
3 kids- 1 each and 1 together
DDay #1 27/01/2010
Rday #1 30/01/2010
DDay #2 30/05/2010
RDay #2 16/08/2010
R going so well i sometimes think i must be dreaming!

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: uk
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverbelieve & purplefinch

The reason that I didn't leave was because it was harmless fun at the beginning... or so I thought. A little flirting here and there...

It all became an addiction and I didn't realize what I was doing. I was so deep in the fog I didn't think about my family or that I could loose them. I didn't think about anything except getting that fix.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it possible to completely lose sight of the person you are and become a deceitful person? Forgetting everything else, doesn't that aspect of affairs bother a WS?

It bothered me greatly! And so I ended my A. I confessed when later confronted on a hunch. I hated myself for what I had done. But it took a while to get there.

During the A, we're on a high. We can do no wrong. We can have the best of two worlds. Most of all, we do not want you to know what we are capable of. You love us and you have done nothing wrong. How can we let go of that? We don't even realize what we are doing. We get good at compartmentalizing and ignoring the bad stuff we see in ourselves. Fantasy...fog...whatever it is, it is powerful.

At some point (DDay for most) we are incredibly ashamed and have no idea how we did what we did. We make excuses, we shift blame, we TT. We think we are respecting you, protecting you. Reality is that we are protecting ourselves.

You are right that we become someone we cannot recognize and would not want to be with. But, we are that person and we did all of those disgusting things. It takes a lot of time and hard work to figure it out, to fix what is broken. I am still working on that.

*note, when I say "we" I am speaking from my own POV


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any WS get How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair from their spouse?

I bought this book myself after it was recommended here on SI by Geauxtigers.

It is a very succinct, decently organized version of the basic wisdom that is espoused by most people on SI -- that the lion's share of the work needs to be done by the WS, especially in the early stages.

One thing I liked about it was that it framed the discussion in terms of what behaviors are most likely to result in the successful rebuilding of the relationship. For example, "Successful rebuilders know that...".

That sort of wording gives it more of a team feeling to me, if that makes sense, and also keeps reminding me of what the prize at the end of all this suffering could be, if I am willing to do the heavy lifting. I really want to be a successful rebuilder.

That said, I don't know how receptive I would've been to it soon after D-day. It took me a long time to start to defog. Thank God my BS had the tenacity to hang onto me during that time.

Anyway, the book was pretty inexpensive and even if your WS is not yet ready to receive its message, it might clarify for you what you want reconciliation to look like.

I hope this helped.

Good luck,

EvolvingSoul


Me: WS (52)
Him: BS (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Riding shotgun down the avalanche.


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: In the thick of it.
25yearslater
♀ Member
Member # 32806
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the response. We are 8 months past DDay and I think that fog might be lifting. Unfortunately WH did a lot of things that are not recommended here on SI (blameshifting, withheld info, questions were answered with lies, TT, ...). I truly believe that he is moving into remorse but I have a lot of work to do for myself. I hung on waiting for the man that I married to come back ~ I hope and pray that my tenacity will pay off. He has asked what he can do ~ I thought this book might be a good start. Thanks again ~ we will put in the order for it tonight.


me: 50 yrs old BW
him: 50 yrs old WH
Together: 33 years
Married: 28 years (?)
2 teenagers that we love dearly!
DDay: November 2010
DDay #2: July 30, 2011 found out restarted EA with same MOW (ended before I found out)
DDay #3 & #4: 11/26/11
D

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverbelieve:

Why want a sure thing that you don't respect?

I didn't respect my BH but I loved him. I believed in our marriage. I thought the affair would help me cope with a very unhappy, unhealthy relationship. In reality, it only made me suicidal and brought the marriage to its knees.

At the time, I was a very, very sick woman. I had zero coping mechanisms and I chose to drug myself with OM. Junkies don't think logically.

How is it possible to completely lose sight of the person you are and become a deceitful person?

I was used to telling secrets, due to my FOO issues. I already hated myself. Committing adultery was just an outward expression of the evil inside me I always believe existed.

Forgetting everything else, doesn't that aspect of affairs bother a WS?

The disrespect and abandonment of integrity are devastating to a remorseful WS. As I said earlier, I was suicidal. It is incredibly difficult to move forward after committing such a heinous crime against one's self, let alone one's BS.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for the repost. I think this one may have gotten lost in the shuffle:

Is it true that your BS and your children are your "emotional mirrors"? In other words, after the A blew up and you were sort of backed into a corner, was it difficult to look at your BS and your kids? For those of you who left the house, what thoughts went through your mind? Was it a progression of "thank God I'm free" to "what the hell did I do"?? If your BS employed the 180/NC, how did that impact your thoughts as you sat alone in the dark?


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2498 | Registered: Jan 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobeme:

Is it true that your BS and your children are your "emotional mirrors"? In other words, after the A blew up and you were sort of backed into a corner, was it difficult to look at your BS and your kids?

Yes, absolutely. Although I experienced this *during* the A, not after. Afterward, I put 110% into my BS and children.


For those of you who left the house, what thoughts went through your mind? Was it a progression of "thank God I'm free" to "what the hell did I do"??

I refused to leave the house, so this isn't applicable to my situation.


If your BS employed the 180/NC, how did that impact your thoughts as you sat alone in the dark?

My entire marriage very closely resembled the 180, so I noticed little change after d-day except for the violent rages experienced by my BH.

I was a very self-motivated wayward. I threw myself into understanding my affair, my FOO issues and infidelity in general. I was extremely concerned about my BH and my marriage, but that wasn't my primary driver for change. That was internally motivated.

[This message edited by Hope24 at 5:48 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)]


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
purplefinch
♀ Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you that did leave the house, and continued your affairs, I would like to know:

Is it true that your BS and your children are your "emotional mirrors"? In other words, after the A blew up and you were sort of backed into a corner, was it difficult to look at your BS and your kids? For those of you who left the house, what thoughts went through your mind? Was it a progression of "thank God I'm free" to "what the hell did I do"?? If your BS employed the 180/NC, how did that impact your thoughts as you sat alone in the dark?


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
MsSunshine
♀ Member
Member # 32907
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where to find this information for my WS. He is in love with the OW and he doesn't know how to maintain NC. How does he get over her? How does he get her out of his heart and mind?

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jul 2011
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently, MsSunshine--you can't do this for your WS. He has to do it. You can recommend that he join SI and post on the Wayward Side and read the Healing Library. You can recommend books, like Not Just Friends (Shirley Glass). You can suggest that he go to IC. But you can't find the answers for him. He has got to do it himself. It will be hard, but he has to be willing to do the hard work.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 19 years
DS-18, DD-14
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1222 | Registered: Aug 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MsSunshine,

Look for the differences between love and limerence. There are articles out there about this.

Like hopingforhappy says, you can't do it for him. Another way to look at it is that he has to be ready to do this. Until he is ready to look into the reality of his feelings, nothing will really help.

For me, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that it wasn't love. I knew the MOW and the EA was not something that would work out in the real world. There was always something that kept me from leaving. I think that it was reality.

The hardest part of all of this was that the "feelings" that a WS are a reality to the WS. We feel them. We live them. We remember them. To call them false or fantasy is not necessarily the right way to get a WS out of their fog though. They just need to be able to admit to themselves that the M is reality and what they are experiencing with the OP and the A is not a reality that can last.

The WS also needs time and space. Over time, as the WS commits to NC and to transparency, the pull of the OW and the A should become less for him. It can take months for this to happen. And he has to make it happen in his head too.

Time, space, and a bit of logic.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

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