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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 6th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

red_bird,

I would say that he is at it again. A WS who gets it isn't going to change their passwords. It's as simple as that. But to go on and start telling your BS that they are controlling and jealous is just another indicator as to how much they aren't getting it.

From your profile, you need to seriously think about whether or not he is capable of the change you need from him. It sounds like your M hasn't known a time when he has been respectful of you and your needs and desires for a safe relationship.

For myself, I can't talk to any women who I consider attractive without having that little bit of doubt regarding my reasons for talking with them. I think my BW realizes that talking with women is going to happen through the course of day to day life, so she understands when it happens. But if I started changing passwords and accusing her of being controlling, that would be the end of R and of our M.

As far as what to do, if he feels attacked, that is his problem, not yours. You simply state that you require his passwords if he wants to stay married to you. That to not give you those passwords is his choice to disrespect you. Then start taking care of yourself and do the 180.

Life as he knows it is going to change.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
red_bird
♀ New Member
Member # 32983
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 6th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks foe your reply. He isn't giving me his passwords. I don't know that that's a deal breaker. I can understand that he wants privacy, and part of me doesn't totally buy into what a lot of people say that "you gave up your right to privacy".. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this for sure.. I guess I've never really drawn a line in the sand, that's scary to me..

I would love to hear more insight.. Thanks


Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2011
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, August 6th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

red_bird,

It sounds like you need a renegotiation of this M. What do you want/need to stay happily M?

My BH and I never shared anything of the sort - bank accounts, passwords, friends, etc. We led completely separate lives for the most part, and that was OK for a while. After I cheated, he wanted to change all of that, with good reason! I don't blame him at all. But, I was unwilling (for a lot of f-ed up reasons) to change my way of life. We each wrote a list of what we truly wanted and expected from a M. There was little that matched up. We S last month.

But, that's just my experience. If you both want to R, take the opportunity to redefine what the new M looks like. It still takes two people on the same page to make it work.

Good Luck!


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, August 7th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red_bird:

He isn't giving me his passwords.

Occam's Razor: The simplest answer is usually the correct one.

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

This isn't about his privacy, it's about his secrecy.

There's a big difference.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
glimmerwish
♀ New Member
Member # 32986
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 7th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Iím new here and wanted to ask a question of WHís

You can see the whole story in my profile for details.

My H and I have been separated since 3/2011. D-day was 6/11/11. I donít know if he and the OW have continued contact past 6/19 as he was letting her have ďclosure.Ē We seem to be drifting further apart and Iím not sure how to stop it. Heís very busy with work right now and timing has not felt right for a ďrealĒ conversation. Heís either tired or just wants to spend time with our son.

Iím sure heís still in the ďfogĒ or something. Iíve tried to let him have space and not talk about ďusĒ or our relationship since d-day because I thought it was pushing him away. I just donít want us to drift so far apart that we canít get back together. Time spent with H feels awkward. I try my damnedest to be upbeat and positive. According to his friend, H has noticed. Iíve lost all the extra pounds in the last couple of months that Iíve wanted to lose forever and thereís no way that he hasnít noticed that either. But I donít know if that bothers him because my weight loss is just a reminder of how his A hurt me. Iím sure it is to some extent.

I think that he is very emotional when it comes to love but he keeps it to himself. I think I truly hurt him more than I could have ever imagined (unintentionally) and I think that he believes heís a failure (although he has not said this to me) and feels that I could never forgive him for his A. I also think he will have a very difficult time forgiving himself. Heís showing no regret or remorse although I have no doubt that he feels it. Heís never been a decision maker when it came to our relationship (except to betray me) so I donít think heís going to move on D too quickly, if at all. Itís more likely that he will wait for me to do it.

Heís also has some taxes and other debt thatís been hanging over his head for a couple years that heís finally taking care of. So he does have a lot going on right now. (Money problems started a little before marriage problems did.) He doesnít talk to me much so I donít know exactly what has been done.

Iíve thought about doing a 180 but because heís gone so much, I donít know that it would work very well. When I tried it at the beginning of our separation, he thought that I stopped caring and was a little hurt but otherwise okay with it. However, he had the OW at that time as well. I think if he doesnít feel any emotional connection our relationship will just continue to drift. I just donít know how to get it back.

Iíve had a few people tell me I should write a letter and tell him how I feel (I miss my best friend, the A is not a deal breaker, etc.) I think he needs to know and it would be better to let him read it as opposed to trying to talk to him but I worry about the timing and if it would be well received 2 months after d-day. Iím much more likely to forgive his A than I am him quitting. I would also like to direct him here but, again, donít know if he would be receptive at this point.


My questions: Iím wondering how to try to connect with H during separation. Should I ask when he last had contact with OW? We already feel so distant that I think it may push him the wrong way at this point. Should I write a letter to him? Any other advice? Thanks so much. (Sorry it's so long.)

glimmer


Me-BW, 40's
Him-WH, 40's
Married 10 years, together 19 years
Son-7
D-Day 6/11/2011

The same fire that melts butter can make steel strong.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: limbo on the left coast
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 7th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can any help with a question? Me and my WH, were watching an episode of Dr. Phil regarding infidelity. After the show, I ask him got from the advice that Dr. Phil gave, and he said nothing. Then proceeded to get mad, and swear at me. Said that the show had nothing to do with us, and we were working on us. He was going on a two week trip with the military, and since he got angry, he left a day early. I haven't talked to him, and I don't plan on it. I just want your opinion. Thanks for listening

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 7th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can any help with a question? Me and my WH, were watching an episode of Dr. Phil regarding infidelity. After the show, I ask him got from the advice that Dr. Phil gave, and he said nothing. Then proceeded to get mad, and swear at me. Said that the show had nothing to do with us, and we were working on us. He was going on a two week trip with the military, and since he got angry, he left a day early. I haven't talked to him, and I don't plan on it. I just want your opinion. Thanks for listening

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
Hurtsobad1963
♀ Member
Member # 31139
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 7th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops sorry for the double post

Posts: 164 | Registered: Feb 2011
glimmerwish
♀ New Member
Member # 32986
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nevermind answering me from a couple of posts ago. Apparently, I thought things were going better than are. I talked with my H tonight after finding out from my son that H bought some shoes for a friend. Seemed strange so I asked what kind of shoes? High heels. I called H to find out why and he was royally pissed. Would ask me why does it matter? What difference does it make? He claims it's a friend he works with. That she's a just a friend and he's not having an affair. He told me her name and some story about her needed shoes for a wedding and she couldn't find any. She's in NY and couldn't find shoes. Whatever. Even if the unbelievable is actually true, why would he bother? I cannot figure out why he's so unbelievably angry. But I figure as long as he's already pissed, I'd ask him if he's still in contact with OW. He says he talked with her a couple of weeks ago. Has not seen her though and is not having an affair. Apparently, it's not cheating if you're just friends. I told him that as long as she's part of this then I couldn't heal and move on and neither could he. He says he likes his life now. He says we are both doing better apart. (We've been separated since March.) He acts as if he doesn't care which is completely unlike how he was when I first found out about the A. And completely unlike the man that we (me, friends, family) know. I asked if he wants a D. He wouldn't come out and say "yes." Just says that's what he thinks we should do. I said "so you think we should divorce because there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation?" He says he doesn't like to use absolutes. No matter how I phrase it, he won't say, "no there is absolutely no hope." But when I ask if we could just spend some time together, not "working on the relationship," just hanging out, he says he doesn't want to. He says it feels awkward when we're together. He said he guesses he's still angry at me (see my profile) even though he thought he wasn't and previously told me he wasn't. Doesn't matter what I feel towards him apparently because he never has asked. I told him it seems as if he is trying to act like an asshole to get me to file for D. He said he's not doing it intentionally. He said we would have to finish our conversation later because he was going to miss his flight. I doubt he'll call but I don't recognize this man so maybe he will.

What's going on? Ironically, I read tonight somewhere that you should give your marriage another year after you think it's over just to make sure you did everything you could. Sometimes couples have to hit rock bottom first. I don't want to rush into anything and I truly think some alien has taken him over. Advice?

Thanks.

glimmer


Me-BW, 40's
Him-WH, 40's
Married 10 years, together 19 years
Son-7
D-Day 6/11/2011

The same fire that melts butter can make steel strong.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: limbo on the left coast
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glimmer - I'm not sure what to tell you. Why is he acting like he doesn't care now, but did after the A. Who knows. He is not remorseful and does not seem to want to work on things.

He "likes" his life now. The best revenge would be if you did the same. Id go 180 on him if you haven't already started. Dont answer every time he calls, dont call him as much, let him wonder what you are up to. Become a mystery. Just my humble advice. I know it's easier said than done.

Post on this site when you need to talk. The advice here is great. Hugs


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
suspicious247
♀ Member
Member # 33014
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks foe your reply. He isn't giving me his passwords. I don't know that that's a deal breaker. I can understand that he wants privacy, and part of me doesn't totally buy into what a lot of people say that "you gave up your right to privacy".. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this for sure.. I guess I've never really drawn a line in the sand, that's scary to me..
I would love to hear more insight.. Thanks

I agree here, I am on the fence too. I've never really drawn a line in the sand either, althoug at one point I told him I needed it. But it;s been over a year since DDay so I feel that my statute of limitations are up even if I did want them. And I know asking for them would be a huge fight. Let me know where you land on this..


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2011
glimmerwish
♀ New Member
Member # 32986
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks suspicious. I guess that would be the next step.
Anyone else? I'd appreciate it.


Me-BW, 40's
Him-WH, 40's
Married 10 years, together 19 years
Son-7
D-Day 6/11/2011

The same fire that melts butter can make steel strong.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: limbo on the left coast
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

glimmer,

Now that you have posted in JFO, you will start receiving a lot of support from other BS's who have gone through what you are experiencing.

Suffice it to say that what you are experiencing hurts like hell, and what your WH is doing is completely normal for someone who is actively involved in and affair.

Don't try to make sense of his crazy-making. Only he will be able to pull himself out of the nosedive he is in. You can only take care of yourself.

The thing is, that if you take care of yourself (draw the line in the sand, do the 180, or whatever works for your situation) then one of two things will happen. Either he will check out of the M completely or he will pull his head out of his ass. Either way, the choice is up to him.

In your first post above, you made excuse after excuse for him and not wanting to push him away. It hurt to read that because my BW did that too. It was only when she packed her own bag and was ready to leave that I finally came around. Even then, it has been a slower road to healing that others on this site.

So take care of yourself first. Document everything. Disengage from him. And good luck. Talk to the BS's. They'll put you on the right track.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
glimmerwish
♀ New Member
Member # 32986
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Baxters.
I am having such a hard time understanding how H could be so remorseful when I found out about A but not now. And buying shoes for someone else (not the OW)? And then being angry with me? Does he know how stupid he sounds? It's been hard to find hope because it seems like a lot of the WHs here that found their way back to R were not separated from their BS. So packing a bag will not work for me. I feel like I'm stuck out in this house (we live in a rural area) with no one. He's off in NY having the time of his life.

I don't know how to 180 in regards to our son. Right now, I usually drop our son off at H's place when H comes back to town and he brings him home before he leaves again.

glimmer


Me-BW, 40's
Him-WH, 40's
Married 10 years, together 19 years
Son-7
D-Day 6/11/2011

The same fire that melts butter can make steel strong.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: limbo on the left coast
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he doesn't know how stupid he sounds. I sure didn't...

So, packing a bag might not work but there are other things you can do. Out the affair. Track down the OW and tell her SO. Tell your family or better yet his. This is where the other He's can be really helpful.

As far as what he is doing, it is blameshifting, gaslighting, and outright denial. He feels good with OW right now and he knows you are at home not calling him out. Time to play a little hard ball. Take his fantasy away.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6048 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
glimmerwish
♀ New Member
Member # 32986
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxters,

I'm afraid by retaliating and "outing" him, that any chance of R will be lost. I think if I told his friends and family that it may be something that he would never forgive me for. Does this really work? Someone else mentioned to change the locks on the house. I don't know about that helping either.

The OW is single so nothing to do there. And I'm sorry, what are He's?

Thanks again.

glimmer


Me-BW, 40's
Him-WH, 40's
Married 10 years, together 19 years
Son-7
D-Day 6/11/2011

The same fire that melts butter can make steel strong.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: limbo on the left coast
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((glimmer))

My opinion:

He's playing both of you! He is chicken shit to make a decision. He is all tears and regret when confronted, because he doesn't want to look like a bad guy in D, but he's expressed his ambivalence about the M for a while now to justify his A. He may not really have any idea what he wants right now. He's thinking that no matter what he does, he's gonna get shit from someone - you or OW. He'll do just about anything to save his own ass.

Meanwhile, he's off with OW playing the "I can't leave BW because of kids/money/history/insert other lame excuse" card. Just wait a little longer OW and I will figure it all out. He doesn't really want OW, but he wants to keep eating that cake for as long as he can. If OW finds out that he's headed for D, she will start to expect too much from him. He doesn't want that because if he is D, there's a whole new freedom he has to play the field again. Not to mention that he'll lose all respect for the woman that slept with a married man.

You have to push him off the fence. Outing the A is one way. Filing D and limiting contact with him is another way. I'm sure there are others and you'll get great BS advice in JFO.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
glimmerwish
♀ New Member
Member # 32986
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wwnomore, thanks.

I was thinking last night that OW has become me. H broke up with me when we were dating about 17 1/2 years ago. I knew with all my heart that he would come back and gave him the space he needed. And about a month later, he came back. It feels like that is what OW is doing. She's there waiting for him when he's ready to come back. I saw her picture on Linked In and showed it to H's younger sister (she is the only one of his family that knows about A) and she said OW looked a little like me. I don't see it but she's not far off either. It is so painful to think that it's possible that she is going to relive my life. I just hope she gets to this part very quickly.

H said that it would "take years, years" (big emphasis) to fix what what's broken and he doesn't want to start all over. And he's re-writing history to "prove" how bad our M really was. Like the last time we were happy was about 10 years ago (right after we got married? Right.) I just cannot believe how much this sucks.

What are the downsides of outing the A? His sister told me never to out the A to their mother because her relationship with H is strained as it is. H's parents divorced when he was 5 and his father has been married to his OW for over 30 years. H's mother has been happily married for about that long too but is still pissed about the affair. Makes for fun family get togethers. I should also say that I have only worked part time for a while (not much at all lately because of this) so he was giving me a monthly "allowance." After we separated, he told me to get the help I needed (medical and mental) and he would take care of it. I have not seen a dime since April. I've been borrowing from my mother but I can't keep doing that. At this point I owe her thousands. So I am worried about knocking him off the fence and not getting what's owed.

When does he get his head out of his ass?

Thanks again.

glimmer

[This message edited by glimmerwish at 10:27 AM, August 8th (Monday)]


Me-BW, 40's
Him-WH, 40's
Married 10 years, together 19 years
Son-7
D-Day 6/11/2011

The same fire that melts butter can make steel strong.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: limbo on the left coast
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Your WH's mother sounds like mine! Our family functions are way fun (insert sarcasm) too, but anyway....

He gets his head out of his ass when he 1) faces consequences of his actions, and 2) when the light of day destroys his little fantasy life.

Downsides of outing him? He will be pissed, but he brought it on himself. He lost the ability to make decisions that affect you when he chose to step out. Upsides? The A will likely end and he will have to resolve things with you one way or another.

He's left you without support since April??!! And bought shoes for the OW? Oh boy.

Get to an attorney NOW.

File a legal separation complete with spousal and child support. See if you can retro it to the date he moved out so you can start to repay your mother. The courts can handle this. Do not worry - I repeat, do not worry - about this pushing him away. BS will tell you that he's relieved you any obligation to protect him from anything. I agree.

He's left you alone and without any money. I'd string him up by his balls for you if I could.

I know it hurts, but at some point, you have to go into survival mode. That time is now.

((glimmer))


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 8th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suspicious247...

If you have a question for the WS's then feel free to ask it in here, otherwise we request that this thread isn't an open dialog between BS's.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


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