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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imagrownup:

hey get scraps of time a text that says - how are you and they think the Ws is totally in love with them. They get completely thrown under buses and then take the Ws back.

This tends to be true of single OW who lurk on those other sites you're frequenting. You rarely find that here. Most of the WS here are married.

In my case, both the OM and I were married. He was the one who wanted the commitment, leave our families, etc. I was the one who did not and ultimately ended the affair. One size does not fit all.

Is that why it is so hard to move on from an A? you have someone that hangs on every word - text and accepts scrapes of time just to see you- honestly - What kind of person accepts a 1 hour jaunt in the hay one time a week at 6:00am as - he is in love with me?

Validation can be extremely addicting. Affair partners are rarely looking for long-term commitments. In most cases, they are a coping mechanism. The attention was like heroin to me. I felt physically addicted to the affair.

What kind of person accepts intermittent attention and validation? One who has extremely f*cked up coping mechanisms and poor boundaries. One who is broken. One who has lost all self-respect.


My WS's Ap is still trying trying trying- OMG- 2 years girl- get a life-
I know WS is not seeing her- she can't get over a getting shagged for one hour once a week in the morning- not even at a decent hour- how desperate is she?

The OW in your situation sounds like the type I mentioned up-thread. You rarely see those types here. She sounds horribly desperate and lacking in self-esteem and self-respect.

Why would a WS want anything to do with someone who has such low self esteem to take any scrap of time.

Because they're no different. They are also lacking in self-esteem and/or self-respect. They don't believe they deserve something more or better. They are content with the excitement and validation from the AP because it allows them to get high and forget the pain they have in other areas of their lives. It's like any addiction, really.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm wondering about the anatomy of an A. Not a ONS or a couple meetings, but more of a LTA, particularly with a co-worker.

It's hard for me to understand that my stbxh did not leave us for true love. I've started to see it more and more that this was not the "princess bride" type of relationship. As my IC says, it's ugly. That's hard for me to understand because our M was far from ugly.

Anyway, there have been signs lately that their "relationship" may be imploding. For instance, the OW is stbxh's secretary. He recently wrote a letter to my lawyer as he is representing himself and told her to never send another document re: the D to his office. Everything has to go to his apartment.

Also, for the last several months since he's been out of the house, stbxh has either tried to manipulate the visitation schedule to give him time off from the kids for all of the long, holiday weekends. Not a word about Labor Day. He had them for all 4 days without a question.

Lastly, a friend of a friend works at a restaurant that OW apparently likes to frequent. She recognized sbtxh and told my friend that he was in there with two women a few weeks ago. By what she described, we are assuming that one of the women was OW and the other was a friend of hers. According to my fried, they sat at the bar - even though this restuarant is known for its food - for hours and didn't eat. She said no one would ever know that he was with OW because there was no touching, kissing, hugging or even laughing. She said he looked "very distracted" and "like he was not having a good time."

So, I guess my question is - while we can't generalize - what is the usual cause of the demise of an A? Does it lose its luster once it's out in the day light, the BS has filed for D and the two partners realize that the relationship is really nothing? Is the pressure from the WS stuffing down feelings and trying to deal with the grief of the end of the M alone and in silence too much to bear?

Again, this is easy for my to understand in my head. My heart is another story and I would love some feedback or input on how these things usually go. Are we seeing the beginning of the end?


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2508 | Registered: Jan 2011
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme:

Are we seeing the beginning of the end?

It certainly sounds that way, doesn't it?

My A didn't play out the way your xWH's is, so it's difficult to give you the insider's perspective.

From what I've seen on SI, it seems that many affairs wither and die when they go from fantasy land to real life. The allure of the A is the escape. Once affair partners are no longer escaping from anything, it just becomes a plain old relationship where you're either compatible or not. Plus, you have the added stress that the relationship was founded on lies and deceit. Difficult to build trust under those circumstances.

It sounds like the karma bus is paying your xWH and the OW a visit very soon. All that glitters is not gold.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Red  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMPORTANT! BS are not to be answering questions in this thread.
The questions are placed in here specifically for WS to answer. It defeats the purpose for BS to start coming in here and answering. If the BS wanted other BS to answer these questions they could post them in the General forum.


Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Suckstobeme,

First off, I agree with Hope about the escape aspect.

what is the usual cause of the demise of an A? Does it lose its luster once it's out in the day light, the BS has filed for D and the two partners realize that the relationship is really nothing?
Second, I think you are correct about the light of day aspect. Reality is a bitch and nothing presents that better than the D process. I'm not sure I would say the relationship was nothing. It was, at one time, but under false circumstances. So the WS, especially a "boss" like your STBXH, might have a hard time seeing they are wrong in what they have done. Try as they might, they can't make anything out of it that will last.

Is the pressure from the WS stuffing down feelings and trying to deal with the grief of the end of the M alone and in silence too much to bear?
For many, yes, absolutely it is too much. In our society we are often encouraged to just deal with it and move on. Well, dealing with it usually means stuffing it down inside. It hasn't gone away, it has just been compartmentalized. Then you throw on not having anyone to talk to except maybe your partner in crime and at the same time you know that isn't a reliable source of information, and you are just left stranded.

Are we seeing the beginning of the end?
I think it is the rare story that has the WS and the OP together forever. Even then, using my FIL as an example, he's been with his OW for 30 years now. He is "happy", but he has all but admitted to me that he made a horrible mistake and I would bet money that he would not make the same choice again. I understand that it would be little comfort to my MIL to know this, but I know it and so does gerrygirl. That is enough for us, and gerrygirl has made peace with her dad about that.

Sorry you are hurting.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imagrownup,

Not too long after coming to SI I kept reading references to other infidelity site and also to sites for OP's. The one site I visited was for OW and I could only read a little bit before it just got sad and disgusting. The women in those threads were pretty messed up. I couldn't understand that mindset.

As Hope said above, a lot of the WS's here on SI had OP's who were also M. One thing that was a factor in my A was that ultimately it was supposed to have been an exit A. Obviously it didn't work out...But, if my OP would have been a single woman, I could totally see how they would be hanging on the word of the WS, thinking they were saving the WS from the failed M. Sort of a KISA deal.

There is "what the WS says" then there is "what the OP hears" and those two things may not line up. Also, a WS is likely going to lie to the OP. So it isn't surprising that a single OP could be willing to take the scraps with the hope that their investment will pay off.

As to why a WS would get involved with an OP like that...I don't know. Hope24 is right about the addiction. As crazy as the OP seems to be, the WS can be just as crazy, just as broken.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replys Baxters BFF and Hope24.
I guess I am trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense.
I just can't figure out why he found her intriguing- it sounds like it was all about meeting for one hour -getting laid- leaving- then rest of the time was about how he could get away with it around me-It really was about me- so I didn't catch them. Couldnt she see this?

I can't figure out why she felt that was enough.
I can't figure out why he had feelings for her- he says now she was like a free hooker- he called her when he could get away with it- she let him come over-

How in the heck is that someone you have feelings for?
How in the heck can she have feelings for him - now 2 years later. YUCK
I guess I hold myself to higher standards so I cannot understand.
She has told him right after D-day- that he is the only man that ever treated her nice- YUCK- if that is nice -WTF?
I get so worried- I know friends of friends of hers and she has actvely pursued other men in their office- she has had three other MM in the office as this is bragging rights to her. She is now saying that she has to have a baby. I am so scared she is going to snag one of those men and they are going to end up with a child with her and their wives are going to be dealing with this same situation but with a baby.
I really can't beleive there is someone like this out there. I have no idea how to warn these other wives.

I am now starting to just be very worried about the other people involved. Also it doesn't help knowing that she is always available to anyone including my WH.
This is very very difficult.

And since none of it makes any sense - I always feel uneasy.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
wwnomore
♀ Member
Member # 31675
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imagrownup:

I just can't figure out why he found her intriguing

There are a lot of answers to this - but my best one is that she required nothing of him! No kid stuff, bill stuff, yard work, in-laws, nothing. It is the escape and distraction from real life that makes it intriguing.

I can't figure out why she felt that was enough.

It obviously wasn't enough, because....

How in the heck can she have feelings for him - now 2 years later. YUCK

....she still wants him to make the A a real relationship. She thinks they can take things into the open and it will only get better. She is clueless. Maybe someday she will realize that the crumbs she's been living on are not enough to sustain a person.

I guess I hold myself to higher standards so I cannot understand.

Amen!


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Masks
♀ New Member
Member # 33217
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for any WS that are dealing with an affair that resulted in a child....

Do you feel the need to pacify the OW to ensure you can have a relationship with your child?

What type of role does your BS (or would you like your BS) to play when it comes to the OC and the OW?

Any insight will be GREATLY appreciated!

edited to correct typo

[This message edited by Masks at 10:44 AM, September 12th (Monday)]


Me:26 Him:28
D Day: 4/19/2009
No children together
Child w/ OW: 21 months
OW: 20

:-) Married 7/27/13 :-)


Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Masks
holly1125
♀ New Member
Member # 32888
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's Please offer advice:

Hi everyone, so I posted this in the separated board but I would like the opinion of WSís as well, please.

So I am really confused. My WS moved out almost 2 months ago. I have gone 180 on him, only talk about our son, etc. For a long while he refused to speak to me at all about any chance for R so I proceeded to contact a divorce atty and started getting house ready to sell. I know that he contacted an atty as well b/c we sat down and tried to agree on divorce issues so that the cost of the divorce would be less. That is pretty much the only time we have discussed "us" at all.
Well, last week he shows up to discuss custody issues and before it was all over was holding my hand, kissing my forehead and eventually kissing me on the lips. It never went any further than that and I told him that he needed to go home. I also told him that if he ever wanted to stop the divorce proceedings he needed to speak up and tell me so. Since that night he has still not said anything to me about the divorce or R, he is proceeding as though that night never happened and I have not mentioned it.
What do I do with this? I donít even know what it meant, if anything. I donít want to ask. I am quite certain that he is not in contact with her anymore. So maybe he was just lonely...
Should I say anything to him about it at all or just let it go? Yet another thing that he did that adds to the confusion:
Last night he had to keep our 2 y/o at our house for me b/c I had a work function. When I got home I discovered that he had run my bath for me... something he hasn't done in a really long time. Made me sad though b/c he used to do those kinds of things all the time. I discovered it before he had left to go to his house so I told him thank you. But that was all.
I just donít know what to think anymore, could this be his way of reaching outÖ b/c he is too chicken to talk.. or is he just lonelyÖ or just on the fenceÖ. So confused.


Me: BS
Him: WS moved out 7/28/11
D-day: 1/11
Divorce filed: 1/3/12
Divorce final: 3/30/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Louisiana
lostperfection4
♂ Member
Member # 28961
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holly,

What this means for the two of you, I could only guess.

My initial impression is that your 180 is working, and he is realizing what he's missing by leaving. He might be impressed or surprised by how "well" you seem to be taking everything, which makes him reconsider his doubt in your relationship. He might be on the fence, or he might have decided he really wants to attempt reconciliation... I don't think there is any way to know that one for sure. Chances are, he has mixed feelings in general, and they are based on circumstances (e.g. so long as you appear strong, his feelings resurface; but if you were to break down and get depressed or angry, he might get worried and retreat emotionally).

Whatever he might think or do, I hope you protect yourself. I can't offer much advice on the intricacies of the 180, especially if it appears to be working. I suspect you should keep your distance as much as possible and continue working on you alone, but there are many BS's who will have better insight here.

If he truly is waking up, don't confuse his actions for real change yet. He still has to resolve the very real problems that led to infidelity and deception.

You were clear with him about speaking up if he wants reconciliation. It seems like he's coming around, but all I think you can do is hold your ground, wait, and see. I'm so sorry you're going through this.


Me: WBF (20's)
Her: BGF (20's)

many d-days, still in limbo

- Hiding your past is a great way to guarantee a future you won't be satisfied with -


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2010
holly1125
♀ New Member
Member # 32888
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, September 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Lost. I appreciate the response.
Do any other WS's have any ideas?


Me: BS
Him: WS moved out 7/28/11
D-day: 1/11
Divorce filed: 1/3/12
Divorce final: 3/30/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Louisiana
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holly:

Since that night he has still not said anything to me about the divorce or R, he is proceeding as though that night never happened and I have not mentioned it.

Believe him. If he really wanted to stop the divorce and attempt R, he would be fighting tooth and nail for you.


What you're describing is fairly common for divorcing couples. You are still a source of comfort to one another. It's a form of cake-eating. He's not showing real change, but he wants the physical closeness.

So maybe he was just lonely...

Very likely.

Try not to read into it, okay? Stay the course. If he wants you back, he must prove himself and that means a lot more than holding hands and kissing. You should be worth far more than that for him.

Should I say anything to him about it at all or just let it go? When I got home I discovered that he had run my bath for me...

Don't discuss it with him. Go NC and see what happens.

Unless he's willing to do the hard stuff, the physical attention is meaningless and selfish, even.

This really just sounds like he's trying to get you to sleep with him. Again, very common. He's lonely.

Sorry I couldn't be more encouraging.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY QUESTION:

On DDay, I blocked WH from fb, and removed my relationship status. Later that day, he deactivated his fb. We are S, heading towards D, and have been almost 100% NC for 5 1/2 months (only "almost" because of a few strictly logistical items).

He recently reactivated his fb, according to friends, and still has his relationship status as "Married".

Why would he leave it as Married??????????


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13204 | Registered: Jul 2011
lostperfection4
♂ Member
Member # 28961
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazonia,

Maybe he's not ready to come clean to everyone in his life about your separation/impending divorce and is avoiding a status change as a result.

Maybe he didn't even think about it, as us men sometimes do with such things.

Maybe it's a half-assed attempt to tell you he's still interested in R.

Whatever it is, it's not good, IMO. If he wants to either move forward or seriously attempt R, this just shows he's not doing either of them well.


Me: WBF (20's)
Her: BGF (20's)

many d-days, still in limbo

- Hiding your past is a great way to guarantee a future you won't be satisfied with -


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2010
If_I_Knew_Then
♂ Member
Member # 32968
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSs,
Do WSs trigger? What can you tell me about it? Often? Go on for long? etc.

WW had a bad anxiety day in general yesterday and apparently "triggered" on reference to OM's home town and later a pic of someone who looked a bit like him. Sounded exactly like a BS triggering and REALLY upset her.

Brief background: LT Friendship, LTEA, Briefly PA.
3 months from d-day, NC since then, remorsefull within 2 days, mc, ic, books.
Mentally/Emotionally disconnecting from OM step by step. Within last couple days got to the point of actually ANGRY at OM for his role, betrayal of friendship, etc.

[This message edited by If_I_Knew_Then at 10:59 AM, September 19th (Monday)]


Me: BH 50
Her: WW 50
2 Adult kids
D-Day #1 (3 parts) 03
D-Day #2 6/11

Posts: 728 | Registered: Aug 2011
livinalie
♀ New Member
Member # 31053
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY QUESTION TO WS'S

I never got the ILYBNILWY line from FWH he has maintained since D day that he was always in love with me even while he was in his 5 month affair (mostly EA no sex but they met at a park every friday for 2 months and kissed, hugged and held hands).

So if he is telling me the truth and he really has always been in love with me, how could he look in MOW eyes and tell her how beautiful she is (he has always said this to me even during the A)? I can not wrap my head around this, how do you come home to your wife that you claim to be in love with and act as if life is normal?

We had a great marriage and he agrees with this but he says he was missing just one thing, I was not affectionate enough, he felt that I was not attracted to him anymore, of course he didn't tell me this in so many words, once in awhile he would say something like "Do you even love me anymore" to which I would always reply of course I do, why would you say that? He would just say sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

In July (kissing,hugging didn't start until Sept.) he asked me why I never tell him he's attractive anymore, I said I didn't realize I hadn't I'm sorry I will try to be better at letting you know how good looking I think you are. So a few days later I sent him a text message at work that just said "YOUR HOT" he responded with "what do you want".

I'm sorry I'm rambling I just really want to understand how he could do this to me. Any insight would be appreciated.


Me BS 40
Him WS 41
Married 16 yrs
1 beautiful 15 year old
D Day 11/9/2010

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jan 2011
livetotell
♀ Member
Member # 26527
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, thank you so much to you FWS's who take the time to answer these questions so thoughtfully - it is so appreciated!

I am in R with my WH following his second affair. After the first affair, he did not do the true work necessary to get to the bottom of why he had the A and as a result, our R was doomed and he entered a second A. This time around, there are multiple differences in how he is working on his issues that I see and believe.

One of the questions I wrestle with is this: During the course of both of his A's, he made no effort to keep her a secret from me and in fact did the opposite - he encouraged a close friendship between OW#1 and I - to the point that I was sharing our marital problems with her and she was "giving advice" - OW#2 hung out with us frequently - we even stayed with her and her parents on a trip to Chicago. Can you help me to understand how he was able to do this? It is something that sort of adds insult to injury in dealing with the whole thing and I would appreciate some insight from others if you engaged in similar behaviors...

Thanks!


[This message edited by livetotell at 2:32 PM, September 19th (Monday)]


Me: BW - 36 Him: WH - 35
D-Day 1: 11/17/09
D-Day 2: 3/31/11
I'm not taking grenades for you anymore baby.
We are in R.
"Today I will live in the moment....unless the moment is unpleasant in which case I will eat a cookie"

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2009
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fiance & I had our last couples session before we rejoin for a decision session in a month, & I need advice from WS who can help. When we went to MC he didn't even do his homework given to him, he is uncaring, & says he knows I won't forgive him if he comes back. ( we are separated) he doesn't call me or try to communicate or see me @ all. The weird thing is he wants to continue supporting us financially & attends counseling to just show minimal participation. He is not affectionate at all. He is someone I don't recognize. He says the affair is over & wants to make sure its not bought up anymore if he comes back. I did have a bad habit of doing that a lot, even before I found out bc of previous lies. So I had my reasons I felt. Anyhow, I'm not talking to him at all until our session in a month. It's hard bc I sent him an email telling him how great our relationship is & how hurtful his behavior is. I feel like I just took a huge step back as I know it may not even matter seeing his behavior since the affair went discovered. He totally changed. I don't get what's going on. He is currently living with his family. I just don't get it, I need some advice on what may be going on & what to do as its been hard sticking to the 180. I need help
& some advice on how to handle this situation. I wonder if he will come around seeing how he is so unrecognizable. I had even given him an ultimatum to leave or join MC he chose MC just to not give any effort. Advice please.....

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

livetotell:

I am in R with my WH following his second affair. After the first affair, he did not do the true work necessary to get to the bottom of why he had the A and as a result, our R was doomed and he entered a second A. This time around, there are multiple differences in how he is working on his issues that I see and believe.

One of the questions I wrestle with is this: During the course of both of his A's, he made no effort to keep her a secret from me and in fact did the opposite - he encouraged a close friendship between OW#1 and I - to the point that I was sharing our marital problems with her and she was "giving advice" - OW#2 hung out with us frequently - we even stayed with her and her parents on a trip to Chicago. Can you help me to understand how he was able to do this? It is something that sort of adds insult to injury in dealing with the whole thing and I would appreciate some insight from others if you engaged in similar behaviors...

I was not in this situation, but my AP did think it would be a fabulous idea for me and his BW to be friends when we were trying to cool things off. In my opinion, although I told him he was psychotic, I think it somehow is a way for people to have what is the 'perfect' cover-up because how could you suspect an affair with someone you were friends with? I also think it could be more common in NPD people, but that is just my personal theory.

So sorry you are here and that I couldn't be more help in your particular situation.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 8:13 AM, September 20th (Tuesday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH
Intuition is not a gift, but a skill based in self esteem.

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