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User Topic: BS Questions for WS- Part 5
smoke fire
♀ Member
Member # 33478
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 14. During that time, we have suffered the loss of one parent each, loss of jobs, move across the country, his cancer and my chronic health problems and depression.

I noticed over time that WH had changed quite a bit as a person, but I can't remember if it was before or after his cancer. Anyway, after DD it became apparent from his behavior that he was suffering from depression. We talked about that and he went to the doctor and got treatment. Since he started an anti-depressant four months ago, he has changed back into the man I met and fell in love with. He said he feels better and is happy again.

We are in IC, MC and have done Retrouvaille. We have had numerous discussions as to why this happened. One issue that came up is his loss of a testicle due to testicular cancer (3 years ago) and the impact that had on his ego and self esteem as a man. I can understand this. He said he felt unattractive and like a piece of his manhood was gone and it made him insecure. He felt unattractive as a man and since my sex drive was low due to my anti-depressants, he felt rejected. He has given me a lot of reasons for why this happened, but the most honest answer I received was last week. What it finally came out of WH's mouth is this: "I was unhappy with me, with you and with life. When MOW came along and showed some interest in me, I felt I deserved a little happiness.' Granted this is an entitlement mindset, but I feel this is likely the real reason why it happened. His self esteem was lacking, he was unhappy and someone showed interest in him and he felt he should have some happiness in his life. Any WS's have any thoughts on this? Knowing how self unaware he was and how emotionally incapable he was to share feelings, I can almost understand his reasons and mindset. He says he never wanted to leave me, however, on DD he said he changed and was leaving me. He stuck to that for one night, but the next day he was remorseful and sorry he had said that and that it wasn't true. I still hurt from what he said to me and am still not sure I trust that he's here for good or if he is here with me to make the best out of things because he doesn't want to hurt me further and doesn't want to hurt our son.

This is so hard. I'm just looking for some input on these reasons. I am especially interested in hearing from Wayward Men/husbands.

Thanks so much.


Me- BW 43 years
Him- WH 43 years
Together 20 years
Married 15
DS 12 years
DDAY-- who cares
Status: 2 year roller coaster!

Posts: 792 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Arizona
mentallyabused
♀ Member
Member # 33439
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What goes through WH's mind when they cheat on their BS and the BS is pregnant or just had their baby?
I believe it is an inhumane thing to do.. I want to her WH's point of view on this


WH - 30s
BS (me) 30s
DDay#1 - Nov 2009 EA
DDay#2 - Sept 2011 same OW (EA, denies PA but booked a hotel room for God knows what!)
What doesn't kill me right away, kills me slowly..
Status - in R for kids

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2011
Shell_Shocked
♀ Member
Member # 33119
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A brief background: my WH and I have been in false R since 06/25, after I found about his LTA, three weeks ago I advised him the only thing I needed to know was would he be willing to do an uncontested divorce. I don't think he believed me until he came home and I was cleaning out the closets.

So this weekend he has a meltdown, a terrible crying jag, which is so unlike him. The crying was uncontrollable when I agreed to go to counseling with him.Anyway says he wants to go to counseling, again unlike him. also I know they are still talking, they work at the same place.

Here's my question: Is it conceivable that he has suggested counseling, even though in the beginning he was dead set against telling a stranger our problems, just to go further underground? To make me think he is trying to fix it?

I explained to him that it will be a waste of time and money if we aren't going in there being honest and upfront.

I just am so confused, tired of this rollercoaster and would love to believe that he really wants MC to help us.

Thanks for any input.


BS 53
WH 53
M 31 yrs together 39 yrs
DDay1 04/26/2011 LTA
DDay2 06/12/2011
OW - Co-worker whore
3 Adult Children
5 Grand Children
06/25/2011 False R
Preparing for D, hoping for real R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS ask why stay. --I get it.--

Affairs happen. People get selfish. People get broken. --I get it.--

WS do not always get it. It's easy to stay broken. --I get it.--

Harder to ask why. Harder to admit wrong.

Harder to stay for an ass-kicking. No end in sight. -- I get it.--

I wanna know. Why WS try?

Bam. There F-Buddies are under the bus on D-Day.

Bam. See the light. They get to work fixin' stuff. May be first time ever.

Why choose the hard road with pot holes. Easy road is paved and you know the scenery.

--I don't get it.--

-- no disrespect to WS --


Growing forward

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Sep 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DixieDevestated,

I find your post/questions interesting. I'm going to pick it apart a bit and ask questions, if you don't mind.

First off, do you mean to ask why the WS stays or why the BS stays? I suspect it's the first. A WS stays for many reasons. It may be as simple as they have nowhere else to go. It may be that they stay because they figure it will be easier and they hope the whole thing will go away if they say "yep, I screwed up and I want to work on things...sorry". And there is every kind of answer inbetween.

Sometimes A's just happen, other times they are much more devious. I don't believe all A's are based on selfishness, but that is just my opinion. I do believe that by the time an A happens the person is already broken. They don't necessarily get broken in the A.

WS doesn't always get it, but they usually don't realize they are broken either. So they will fight to stay broken but in reality they are fighting to keep things they way they are. I don't mean keep the A either. I mean they fight to keep their own normal because that is all they know, even though people on the outside can plainly see the brokenness.

If I would have received an asskicking from my BW, I don't think I would have stayed. My asskiciking is self imposed.

So the WS stays for themselves, which is a very selfish sounding reason. But at the same time it isn't selfish because if we can finally change, then we wont hurt others. Think about it. People who won't change blame others for their problems.

Not all AP's are thrown under the bus. In many cases, the WS is as much an AP as the AP themselves, so it is hypocritical to think that about the AP. Detachment and indifference I think is the better path.

The truest words in your question are" for the first time ever". The WS has often lived their life not knowing any differently.

For myself, the bumpy roads are the less travelled and often are more scenic.

Don't know if any of this helps, but there is a lot more to this and as nice as it might feel to say "I get it" it doesn't fit most situations.

I see/feel no offense at your post but at the same time, I will not sum up any WS's situation by saying I get it.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, October 7th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I help my WH heal? We went to MC but he missed a few appointments. I bought Not Just Friends and put it on his nightstand then I removed it because he never looked at it or mentioned it.

He is frustrated with where I am at with healing. My neice is an OW and it brought up a lot of feeling. I said that the MM should have his ba*** cut off. I honestly was no thinking about WH when I said this. I was thinking of my neice knowing it's not going to end well for her. WH took it as a personal attack against him.

He is ashamed of what he did and really doesn't want to talk about it. So I have stuffed questions away, this is not helping either of us.
Because some things really cause a bad reaction.

I am still in IC and have talked to her about this. She asked me if I thought he was just waiting until I've had it and will leave so he isn't the bad guy. He did say he didn't know how long he can deal with me this way.

I just don't know what to do.
Answers or suggestions Please.


Me

Posts: 797 | Registered: Apr 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dallas2, You can't help your WH heal. He wants this to all go away. Maybe, in some form or fashion, it has gone away for him. Maybe he is the type of guy who can cheat and never do it again without having to go through the hard work of healing that most WS need to go through to get at their "why". If that is the way he is, then you aren't going to be able to change that about him.

You can change you.

Your WH has laughed at your boundaries. He has laughed at your needs. He has laughed at your desire to heal and work through this with him.

I think your IC is right on, except I'm not convinced your WH realizes what it would mean for him to be on his own. One way to enlighten him would be to do a 180. Not sure if you have tried that yet, but I get the impression from your posts that you have a hard time laying down the law.

So instead of doing things to try to convince your WH that there is an issue or trying to get him to help you with your needs, detach from him. Go on the assumption that you will never get anything out of him. Assume that you won't find anything out about what really happened. Assume you won't learn who the OW was. Instead, start taking care of yourself. Start learning to live your own life for you.

I said above that you can't help your WH to heal. That's true, but you know what worked for me? My BW packed a bag and was ready to go. When my BW finally started taking care of herself, I finally started turning myself around. It's unfair to the BS that they have to do something like that, but with a stubborn WS who won't give up information and who won't do anything the BS is asking for, that is the only option. When you start taking care of yourself (180), the WS will either dig in deeper or they will jump up and take notice and start changing. Either way, take care of you, not him.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shell_Shocked, I wonder if he is ready for MC. My BW tried MC, but I was still not ready for it, so it was a waste of time and money to some extent. We did learn some better communication skills that we still use today, but I donít think our MC helped at all with the whole A issue.

I personally believe that when a WS does something so out of character, like breaking down and crying uncontrollably, that it is a good sign and is an indicator of what the WS desires. But I think that part of that breakdown is based in fear, because it means that they are committing to something that is uncertain. I donít mean the M or the AP. I mean that they are uncertain about themselves. When you go into counseling, you are going to hopefully delve into issues that you have never dealt with, but have lived with your whole life, sometimes quite effectively. You learn tools to cope with your issues over the course of your life. Everybody does. Some to a better job than others. In the case of infidelity, the WS coping skills have lead to an A. And to change that means a lot of work, a lot of uncertainty and a lot of fear. So it is very easy to go back to the way things were and continue the A.

In short, he may be sincere about going to MC and working on things and not wanting to D, but he may not have it in him to see it through. He may fully intend to work on R.

Is there any way possible for him to get a different job?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smoke fire, You guys have certainly been through a lot. As far as the testicular cancer, is there a way he could get an implant? Do they do that? And yes, I think most people could understand the situation, that losing a testicle and then having a spouse who is on ADís and consequently has a low sex-drive, could lead to a situation where your WH would be looking for some validation. It is important to point out though that you were in the same relationship and you didnít choose to have an A. He could have, should have made a different choice.

I get what you are saying about his entitlement attitude. It makes sense. But what else is going on? The pieces of your situation seem pretty straightforward, but what is there in your WH that allowed him to make the choice to have an A rather than turn to you? Why didnít he have boundaries in place?

I told my BW twice that I wanted a D, only to recant shortly after. My uncertainty and my actions were based on fear more than anything. I grew up in a normal household. Iíve never had any major issues in life. I was completely normal, upstanding, conscientious, and would never have hurt my wife. And yet, I cheated. My coping skills and lack of boundaries led to a slippery slope and an EA. As I headed down that road, fear left me wondering what was going on and how I got there in the first place. Fear was the reason for my decisions and difficulties in trying to come out of the A and the fog.

There have been times, mostly early on in R (had false-R for 6 monthsÖ) when I have wondered if I was just not wanting to hurt my BW or kids anymore than I already had. Now, whenever I have those thoughts I feel that I am not being honest with myself in even letting those thoughts be in my head in the first place. I havenít gotten rid of the fear, but I believe I can keep challenging myself with the truth. Donít know if that makes senseÖ


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ACRC, I have had a couple of triggers recently. The first was a character in a movie that came out back in í87, which was back when MOW and I were BF/GF. Caught me off-guard and I couldnít watch the rest of the movie. Yes, I told my BW about it. My reaction was more of an anxiety/panic reaction.

The next was when I went to visit my parents. MOW still lives in my hometown and I hadnít been up there to visit my folks since I joined SI and started trying to work on R. My chest tightened up as I drove into town. I shared this with my BW too.

Other than that, I havenít had to deal with much because we live so far away and MOW and I only have one person who could be considered a common friend. I have not contacted that friend since right after I joined SI. She knows what happened and has not contacted me either. Ironically, she is an xHSGF too, but I have never had any issues with her as far as being inappropriate or slippery slope or anything. So, I just keep to myself now.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What goes through WH's mind when they cheat on their BS and the BS is pregnant or just had their baby?
I believe it is an inhumane thing to do.. I want to her WH's point of view on this

The thought process of a WS in an active affair is totally selfish. They are only thinking about themselves.
Nothing matters except getting their fix of their affair partner.
They may even have guilty thoughts for doing what their doing and their spouse is pregnant or had a baby.
The "high" of getting with the affair partner will override their logical thinking.
It all comes down to just being plain selfish.
Nothing and no one matters.
It's like a junkie looking for the next hit.
Not caring who they hurt while seeking that hit at that present time


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2412 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 8th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ACRC-

Triggers... first of all, thanks for acknowledging that we have them. It's important to know that your WS is in pain, too.

My op has a very common name. It turns up on TV a lot. That will bring me down quickly. The guilt and the feelings of sadness for almost destroying my marriage.

Movies or TV shows with infidelity themes bother me much more than they bother Mrs LRH.

Seeing Mrs LRH sad is the biggest one.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
lostperfection4
♂ Member
Member # 28961
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shell_shocked:

From anger, blaming, crying, desperation to don't care. I don't understand where it all comes from or what it means.

He tells me in almost tears that he wants our marriage & family but he's trying to not "hurt" anyone.

The question really is, why all the different emotions and what do they mean?

Your WH is in pain, and he doesn't have the skills or fortitude to cope with it in a healthy manner. For me, that always causes mixed emotions, all sorts of misplaced and inappropriate thoughts/actions.

As for the why, who knows? I'm guessing nobody... he might be angry because he's mad at himself and is misplacing that anger. He might be genuinely disappointed in you for not believing him, or not fighting for the relationship. Or maybe it's something else altogether. The bottom line is that he is not seeing things clearly. He is not seeing the reality of the situation, or else he'd be acting differently.

And maybe I am trying to make something logical that really isn't it.

This is so completely true.

You could analyze all day long, but you can't make sense of the actions and emotions of someone who is not seeing reality. You can think you've figured it out, sure. Sometimes, that might even be helpful... but most of the time, you're just inventing reasons that are too specific to be the whole truth.

That's why you stick with the 180: it's not your job to figure your WS out, it's his; it's not your job to help him reach understanding of reality or to help him heal, it's his. He's not better yet, and you can't help him. You just protect yourself the best you can.

Is it conceivable that he has suggested counseling, even though in the beginning he was dead set against telling a stranger our problems, just to go further underground? To make me think he is trying to fix it?

Sure, it's conceivable. However, your descriptions suggest something else to me: it sounds like he is being genuine, but I doubt it will last through all of the work he's going to have to do. I doubt he realizes how hard it is to heal his behavioral and thought patterns. I doubt he will deal with the hardest situations effectively and ethically. It is very possible that he will slide again into the comfort of his infidelity, despite feeling the genuine desire to work things through in MC.

That's the nature of the reeling WS psyche. Reality is multifaceted and filled with hypocrisy, but tends to look clear when viewed one component at a time. It allows for genuine emotions that directly contradict other genuine emotions. No, I don't tend to doubt the veracity of your WH's pleas, but I doubt the completeness and consistency of them.

Have you decided what your deal-breakers are and communicated them to him in a straightforward, non-wavering way?

If you're going to give him a chance, make sure what you need is clearly laid out, and make sure he knows that certain actions or certain failures to act mean it is over.

For example, do you need him to quit his job? Are you ready to leave if he says no, even in the face of his pathetic pleas to stay together? Are you ready to leave if there is any contact with OW? Are you committed to your dealbreakers?

It's certainly possible that this is the first step toward healing for your WH, but that means you have to be extra careful if you go down that path. It's going to be a long, rough ride, even if he's 100% genuine. He has all of his most difficult healing in front of him yet. Good luck, whatever happens.


Me: WBF (20's)
Her: BGF (20's)

many d-days, still in limbo

- Hiding your past is a great way to guarantee a future you won't be satisfied with -


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2010
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF- I have read many of your posts here and I want to say Thanks for your openness and sharing with us the BS.

You are so right. His frustration is in part because I can't just get over it. I have tried to tell him he has had eight years to get it put away in his head. I've had over a year.

I have tried 180 and even then he gave me his permission to go to a meeting. I did say that the point is I'm going anyway and I don't need your permission.

I think you are right. I have given him way to much and am now putting me first. I even told him I will not do this anymore.


Me

Posts: 797 | Registered: Apr 2010
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had 2 LTA's and I just have the hardest time not seeing our relationship as I lie during those years.

I'm told he compartmentalized but then I'm told the OW wanted to limit the amount of one on one time he spent with me. She had info about our life, our kids, about me. The same is true of the OW1. I was the only one involved that was in the dark/separated from the double life.

There was jealousy and fights from both OW about me but at the same time he claims to have had a different kind of love and friendship/connection with each of them than he has for me. Apparently, his love for me is deep and forever.

I have 7 yrs of my life that I don't know which parts/places/details/moments were touched in some way by these 2 A's. Little details like was I having a private conversation with my WH or did OW get to listen in or find out later; did WH decide not to ask me out on a date because OW was upset; how many times on our vacations did they communicate.

I was hoping a FWS who had an LTA could help me understand why my WH says that our life wasn't the lie when I feel like a complete outsider whowas simply fooled for years.

If not, I understand, it's a hard question.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Godsgirl,

When I was actively involved in my affair my life was one of deception. And the last time I checked, deception was equivalent to lying. They are one in the same. Your marriage, not your life, was the lie. Your husband was deceiving you into beleiving it was something that it wasn't.

Your H cannot undo the damage he has done anymore than I can, but trying to minimize the deception, rationalize the choices, and create another illusion, is the same exact behavior he exibited during the active affair..... It's not what you want in recovery.

Your H may just be gaslighting you into believing he wasn't that bad during the LTA's. I know from my own experience, he wasn't protecting you or the marriage during his affairs, he was protecting the affairs. The truth is, we waywards made horrible choices by hiding our deceptive lives, and our BS'es were the victims.

Please do not allow yourself to buy that he was protecting you in any way during his A's. He intentionally deceived you, just as I intentionally deceived my wife. Only when he is willing to own ALL the lies and deception, lock, stock & barrel, will you have a marriage worth investing in.

Did your H love you during his A's?? IMVHO, No! Having an A doesn't fit into any definition of love that I'm aware of. He was selfish and self centered during his LTA's. And only you can answer if he's changed in a repentant manner or just changed like a chameleon again.

Do not doubt yourself. Trust your own intuition & discernment......

And, always remember.... You ARE God's Girl, and you'll be OK....

[This message edited by Card at 7:50 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, October 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are so right. His frustration is in part because I can't just get over it. I have tried to tell him he has had eight years to get it put away in his head. I've had over a year.

Hi Dallas2,

Just wanted to share a thought or 2 with you....

I have seen many FW's behave like your H. They always express that they never should have told the truth. Amazing that they prefered the charade as opposed to an honest relationship.

Or

They are upset that they were caught as opposed to being upset that they harmed their spouse..

Either way, you have an unrepentant spouse and must decide if you are willing to stay in a marriage with this individual or if you are willing to seperate and see if this will bring about a change worth staying married for. Both are a risk, but IMO only one risks your long term mental health.

IMVHO, having an attitude of, I'm looking out only for me, is the surest way down the slippery slope of avoiding the conflict, and removing the boundaries that prevent you from ever having an affair.

You must have a plan, or you only will have chaos.

[This message edited by Card at 8:29 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Shell_Shocked
♀ Member
Member # 33119
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF, I am not sure if he is ready for MC but I am not sure what else to do. As we go through everyday life "acting" like all is well I am planning my leaving. I did tell him that by the end of this month (which will mark 6 months of this life) that we will decided if we are going to try or just walk away.

I do believe that he does not want a D and I also told him I don't know if he is willing to do what it takes. And right now I don't think he could find a job around where we live.

I thank you for your opinion, I think one thing and the next minute it changes so I really value hearing another voice.


BS 53
WH 53
M 31 yrs together 39 yrs
DDay1 04/26/2011 LTA
DDay2 06/12/2011
OW - Co-worker whore
3 Adult Children
5 Grand Children
06/25/2011 False R
Preparing for D, hoping for real R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
Shell_Shocked
♀ Member
Member # 33119
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostperfection4, Thank you for your insight. I think you may be right about his thought process and his lack of understanding on how hard this is going to be.

And as far as dealbreakers, I have not presented them yet. Actually I planned on possibly telling him at MC. Even as we plan to start this, in my head I am planning my exit. I feel I have to get things in place to protect me! And as cold as that may sound, because I don't think he has any idea I am doing that, I feel I have to make plans.

I also am hoping I can see that is 100% committed to this in MC, if not, it will be over. I see no point in wasting time and money if he isn't willing to do what it is going to take. After 6 months of this, I am tired.

Thank you for your input & your well wishes.


BS 53
WH 53
M 31 yrs together 39 yrs
DDay1 04/26/2011 LTA
DDay2 06/12/2011
OW - Co-worker whore
3 Adult Children
5 Grand Children
06/25/2011 False R
Preparing for D, hoping for real R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card,
Thanks for answering. I understand your position a lot more than WH's "I always loved you". His actions are not my definition of love either and we've always argued about that.

But if I wasn't loved during the 10 yrs. of WH's PA's and off and on during his acting out the 6 years before that with EA's, what kind of foundation does that leave us to build a new marriage on?

I do acknowledge that throughout those years, WH was not a horrible H. He had his moments of blameshifting and hatred towards me to ease his guilt but we are one of those couple that would classify our marriage as good overall pre-A. We were BFF's and had a fulfilling sex life. WH wanted my company above others. We enjoyed our family time. He never complained about me being a bad wife. Even after DDay he has never blamed me for his A's and says he was happy in our M.

Infidelity just leaves the BS and WS is a state on confusion for an extented period of time. The lucky ones find their way out of the maze.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


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