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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - the ducks are so cute...so are the cabana boys....are there enough of them to go around?

Your post was awesome..a lot of what happened in your life, happened the same way in mine. Maybe it's not so uncommon in a lot of BS's lives? I'm happy you're in a better place. I still have bad times but I'm trying very hard to not think of the horrible man my H was. Although I have to admit, I still think about it daily.

One thing we tried really hard this past summer was to make new memories, try new things, go to new places and it worked. I was in such a better place this past summer. Now the colder weather has set in, work has become crazy and I feel like I'm in a rut again. We have to get out and pick up where we left off. We try to do one new thing each month. It helps. I also write it down in my "positive" journal. I haven't written in my "negative" journal in awhile. So maybe that means I'm getting better?

Hugs to all....gotta run...another busy work day...ugghhh


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura:

i love that picture...well i love both pictures really...

i cannot believe you took an actual picture of your fucking ducks all excited in the grass and best of all they are in a "line".....caption needs to read...."my irl fucking ducks are lined up excitedly in the grass"....and yes hey are cute....

those ahem, men/cabana boys....well lets just say i not only approve but would love to try out each and every one of them...and thank god my sons are much younger looking then those....those look like they are legal, legal is good.....and they look like they can "perform" many duties aside from being eye candy....


honest: yes making the list is a great start....

(((lostsoul)))....i can't believe that all to do with sil is not settled yet....it must be agony for you, it just doesn't all seem to end does it.....

i hope your trip to the west coast is to get a dose of grandkids....or something good....you deserve some happiness, and a break from it all...god bless the little ones in our lives that help us "see" goodness and light...unless of course you might hook up with a cabana boy or two....in which case i 'd be wishin for low level lighting and lots of badness..


roses: welcome to our corner of si....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.

The fucking ducks look happy. Now about that other picture. I would like to know where you got that pic of me and my friends. That was taken a few years ago, I still look about the same, but probably not as hot now as "when I was in my prime."

Hugs to the tribe.

[This message edited by old dipstick at 8:57 AM, November 10th (Wednesday)]


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like you folks have it all under control -- but I'm going to chime in to honest with something that no one else said --

Your WH is obviously a narcissist. When he finally gets the point that you're not "on his team" anymore, so to speak, he will screw you over so fast and so hard that you will not even know what hit you.

Unless you're completely ready and have put yourself in a position where he's unable to do so.

Don't let yourself be sitting around kicking yourself. He can move assets overseas, etc. Just not come back to the U.S. -- you could get really, really screwed here...

Forget resolving your feelings for now and just get SMART. It's VERY important.

Baby Paddy got referred to Early Intervention yesterday. She's fallen off the development chart in several areas. Fortunately, not in being cute, healthy, talking, feeding herself. It's all gross motor skills. We'll see what the Early Invervention people say, the doc's assumption is that she's going to do some physcial therapy.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - Love the fucking ducks - just brilliant.

M33 - fingers crossed for baby paddy.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33, just hoping that the Early Intervention lot come up with good, positive therapy that will bring Baby Paddy up to scratch. Give her a big hug and Let us know how it goes. (((((m33 & Baby Paddy)))))

eta - cos it's late and I can't spel

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:06 PM, November 10th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish:

He is a great guy, a good man, but maybe he'll never be able to make me feel secure again? If there were no kids involved I would separate, even if only to clear my head. Day to day, hour to hour I change my mind about what to do. Does this sound normal?

Not sure if it's normal, but I feel the exact same way.
I was very candid with H this week (this week was insane - I think I had a meltdown every day.) and said that at this point, if we didn't have kids, I think I would've moved out of state by now. It's just too painful sometimes. I really just don't see me being in love with him again. It's sad.
Also told him today that I never needed much - I really am all about stability & security - married the 1st guy I dated, been working at the same place forever, etc. and I am in a position where I have to take it day by day. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

Laura: Loved the ducks! As for the men - umm... ladies.... not sure if they'd be too interested in us if you kwim...

Miracle: I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! Go be you & enjoy life.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - we have too much baggage for those cabana boys!!

I have a fear...and my fear is that my H will think that I have forgotten, forgiven, and pardoned him for his A if I am happy and never talk about the A again. He will think..ahaaa...I have gotten away with it! Am I the only one that thinks this? It's really getting in the way. What do I do?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun.

You are not the only one who thinks that way. I would say that most BSs have a problem with this. It does get in the way. I think we want to remind them how bad they made us feel. I can say that this feeling should fade with time.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will think..ahaaa...I have gotten away with it!

nofun,

I believe that you feeling your H would think he had gotten away with something in having his A speaks volumes to how much true remorse you perceive in him, and how much (lack of?) effort he has put into understanding himself and why he turned to an OP to try to meet a need. I am sorry that you do not feel safe.

I am on a down swing tonight, but no matter what, I am certain FWW will NEVER feel like she “got away with something” with her A’s. They are a stain on her soul, and I worry more that she will never come to acceptance and forgiveness of herself. I have seen her process through what she did and why. It has taken her over a year and her work continues, but she will never feel like she got away with something, and she will never in the future have fond memories of any of her A’s.

((nofun))

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:51 PM, November 10th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone need a pick-me up?

We have a local musician John R Butler who has some CD’s out. One of his better songs is “She Came on to Me” Available on search engines everywhere.

FWW eventually refused to go to hear him during her LTA’s and was always a little quiet on this one.

I am off work tomorrow with DS, and decided to take Friday too to make it a big ol' weekend. Unfortunately FWW is working or occupied everyday, so it will be DS and I. I can live with that.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: you and Baby Paddy are in my prayers. I'm sure everything will turn out allright.

Laura!!! Thank you for the pics!!! OMG I had such a good laugh with those adorable ducks!! And then the eye candy!! I just laughed and laughed and felt so good, because those two pics are LTA's "in" jokes KWIM? Made me feel part of a real group of friends who shared these threads and would really "get" those pics as jokes.

Hugs to everyone. I'm just too tired tonight. Spent 12 hours in the ER with BPD mom. She fell, and she's fine, just bruised, but they are keeping her overnight. I feel like I've been through the wringer. Now she's begging me for her to live with me. What fun!

Take care everyone. I love each and every one of you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone

Just peeking in. H is at home tonight so can't talk much. Continuing to feel ok but littles niggles of doubt prick me every now and then. Oh well. To be expected.

Glad so many of you liked my pics. Thought I was quite clever getting them to work.

DP

Laura - Love the fucking ducks - just brilliant.

Just for you DP I will try to get some pics of them doing the deed. Would you like that???

Dip

I knew one of those hot shots looked familiar. Of course it was you honey and I'm sure you haven't changed a bit

AGNG

I really just don't see me being in love with him again. It's sad.

Yes it is. I hope you can cause that would help you. I am actively trying to see the good in my H now so I can fall in love with him again. He actually said the other night he felt like he was falling in love with ME all over again. To be frank I didn't like it much but didn't tell him it made me think for just a moment that I'm a NEW whore for him!!!! Good, I think, that I didn't hurt him even though I was a little hurt. He meant well.

It will be a long process and I'm sure that if I do come to love him again it will only ever by 98%. The A years will always take the tarnish off.

m334455

Baby Paddy got referred to Early Intervention yesterday. She's fallen off the development chart in several areas.

Try not to worry too much. It's not unusual. As a teacher I see lots of this sort of thing and it's amazing how much they can do esp if caught early. Any info yet?

Fun

I have a fear...and my fear is that my H will think that I have forgotten, forgiven, and pardoned him for his A if I am happy and never talk about the A again. He will think..ahaaa...I have gotten away with it!

I think this all the time. The longer the good stretches go the more often I wonder. Will he just go back to his old ways? WE can't control them honey. They will do what they want. They will neglect, ignore, take for granted or even cheat on us if they want to. My H knows that unless he makes me happy I am gone. So it's up to him. To be honest - if he doesn't do right by me I'm starting to think I won't care as much as I thought. He can choose to love me or not. If his selfishness is too much for him I just don't want him anymore. I want to TRY for our marriage but I will not martyr myself for it. So I guess he chooses him or us. At present it's us. I'm no worse off with him than without so I'll stay and see. If my life each day is pleasant and I feel loved than I will push the affair crap back - I won't let it spoil what we have NOW. But if my life each day is not pleasant than we're done. I know we will have the normal ups and downs (and I'm not talking about that) but I think I will recognise the monster if he returns. If it happens - then he's made his choice!!! I'm gone.

Interesting thing is he told me the other night that he loves me and that if I ask him to leave he won't go. He said "You'll have to leave me cause I won't just give up". This meant a lot because in the past I think he always "ran away" (got sulky, left the room, went outside, stopped talking, got involved with the TV) when we had problems. Until a week or so ago when I had meltdowns he'd ask me if I wanted him to go.

This is a different man. He says he won't go. If I don't want the marriage I will have to leave. I feel like in his own way he is saying he will fight to keep me. I like that. (NB. I don't think he's digging his heels in cause of the money or property)

ats

I worry more that she will never come to acceptance and forgiveness of herself.

You are such a GENTLEman. She is lucky to have you.

honest

I just laughed and laughed and felt so good, because those two pics are LTA's "in" jokes KWIM? Made me feel part of a real group of friends who shared these threads

I'm so glad I made you happy for a little while. We NEED happy moments. And yes we ARE a group of friends. WE share a bond unlike any other. I know I will always remember the compassion of the people on here no matter where my life takes me.

Peace to all
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very quiet today....

Continuing with my week of ruminating about the A, I've narrowed my issues at the moment to the following:

1. How can he prove to me he loves me/how can I believe he loves me when so many of the important ways that is shown was shared with another. I am trying to think of it as a relationship that he had in the past or while we were on a break, etc., but the important distinction is that the A didn't die a natural death. I ended it. And, of course, all of this happened while we WERE together - maybe not like we should've been, but still, I was here and he was there, with her.

2. I am jealous over the amount of attention he gave her. I don't see that level of attention from him now, and I understand to an extent that's unique to an A/non-reality based relationship, but, its' still hard to accept, hard to believe I'm not Plan B, as someone said.

3. My opinion of him has changed and I find it hard to like him now. He could do everything right & I will still wonder what he's doing behind my back. He's shown his true colors, his true character and I don't know that I can believe that has changed just because I'm ready to turn his world upside down.

Ugh.
I actually feel bad for the new therapist I'm seeing tonight... Lol.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:14 AM, November 11th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi allgoodnamesgone,

We are both working through similar feelings from what you posted. I am planning to talk with FWW tonight about activities and scheduling. We have a pattern recently of her choosing to or not being able to attend planned activities (play, gym, wine tasting, and lunch). Meanwhile, she has made time, scheduled and followed through on other activities she clearly wants to do, so I am left feeling like she does not want to spend time with me, or does not value it. Maybe I just come with the M, and she is not ready yet to end the M. I dunno.

As you write, there was seemingly a lot of planning and scheduling to conduct the A. When I asked how many times she and OM planned to meet together other than the times they actually did, she said not very many. So from that I conclude that plans made with one of the OM had a 90%+ success rate, where ours are at 50% or so.

With my new outlook this is not ruining my day, but why be married if it is just to live as roommates?

- Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood,

1) Yeah!
2) YEAH!
3) HELL YEAH!!

I hate this time of year. I don't know what's wrong with me (well, you know... I mean what has changed in the last couple of weeks) but I am wound so tightly right now that I'm afraid I'm going to explode into a thousand tiny Nell pieces.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - more duck pics please lol
i'm sure the rest of the tribe will appreciate them as well.

Allgoodnamesgone - even though WW continues her A, I ask myself the same questions if she came back to me. It would take a lot of effort on her part & a hell of a long time before I believe that I could feel safe with that person again.I wait for the day that the karma bus comes along & OM throws her under it.

Ats - you are more than just a roommate. It takes time to rebuild & it will take her time to re-adjust being with you. Confidence & trust dont reappear over nite. At the moment you dont bring the thrill, the high she experienced fron the A (sorry) - the fantasy world she once had is gone & those memories may take some time before they fade. As long as she is taking baby steps forward then you are both moving forward.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a fear...and my fear is that my H will think that I have forgotten, forgiven, and pardoned him for his A if I am happy and never talk about the A again. He will think..ahaaa...I have gotten away with it! Am I the only one that thinks this?
Count me as also having these same feelings. It doesn't help that FWH never brings up the A unless I do. I don't have any easy answers to this one. I guess it's just another thing that "TIME" will take care of.

m3 - Keeping you and Baby Paddy in my thoughts. I've seen the same thing as nurse....the earlier any problems are caught the more opportunity there is no effect a change. So it's a good thing that she's been referred so early for extra attention. And let's face it, every girl likes a little extra attention now and then, right?

Made me feel part of a real group of friends who shared these threads and would really "get" those pics as jokes.

I feel exactly the same. Although I vent/whine here a lot, you are the only people that really get what I'm going through and you have given me so much hope and wisdom. Thank you all so much for opening yourselves to me and the others on this forum. I hope that one day I can impart some lessons learned to others so that I'm not always taking, but giving as well.

Having said all that....I have decided to refer to my spouse as a FWH. Although I do not have any proof, I am confident that he is no longer in a relationship with anyone but me. That's the good news. The bad news is that as I've mentioned previously I'm not sure that he will ever be able to meet my "emotional" needs. But Laura, your words really hit the nail on the head for me.

I want to TRY for our marriage but I will not martyr myself for it.

I'm no worse off with him than without so I'll stay and see.

So for today....I'm going to wait and see. Like most of you I'm on that roller-coaster but for today I am at peace with being here.

Honest...sorry about your mom. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Remember to take care of yourself.

I got some disturbing news yesterday about my 16 y.o. niece and god-daughter. It seems she is quite depressed and is cutting herself. Add to that that my own 17 y.o. DS is having "issues" and I'm about maxed out emotionally. Does anyone else feel exhausted by the amount of emotional energy we are expending on a daily basis?? I finally told FWH this morning that as far as I'm concerned I just want to survive the holidays. I will do as much as I feel I can do and no more. I know my limitations and some things are just not going to get done this year...no outside lights, little to no baking and probably a lot of on-line shopping. Anyone care to join me in a pledge to make sure we treat ourselves right this holiday? You don't have to ignore others in order to care for yourself, but recognize that sometimes we are our own worst enemy and try to do too much. This is going to be the year I spend less time rushing and more time enjoying my kids. My oldest is in the Navy and will finally be finished with all his training this spring. This may the last Christmas in a long time that we are all together. I want to enjoy the time with my kiddos, not be doing last-minute shopping and wrapping. Who's with me?

[This message edited by strongish at 5:15 PM, November 11th (Thursday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This time of the year is very hard. As I've mentioned before, smell is linked very highly with memory.
The changing of the seasons, the smells of autumn, baking for the holidays, even the air, the color of the sky, etc all bring back associations in our minds.

I agree with Strongish, take it easy on yourselves with the holidays. We usually take on more and more "things" to do that are unnecessary. There is nothing wrong with shopping on line, or using those cute bags instead of wrapped presents.
Talk to your family about what traditions they really love and have them participate. Kids like cookies? Maybe they only like certain ones and they should help bake those. Choose activities that you are doing with the kids that you All really enjoy. Together.

{{{{{Allgood}}}}
I hear and feel your pain.
The only thing I can suggest for right now is to try to let go for a little while. See if you can give yourself a little break for a few days or a week and not think about the A. Allow yourself just to enjoy the day. Allow yourself to sweep it under the rug for a few days or more. Give yourself a breather. Just enjoy your kids. Just enjoy the sunny days.
{{{{Allgood}}}}

Spent the day in the hospital with Mom again. They found something with her heart....something with arhythmmia...taking more tests.

Love to all of you.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 11th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He could do everything right & I will still wonder what he's doing behind my back.

This is now my reality. I don't know if I will ever trust him again.

I also question (in my mind) EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth.

I am so thankful that "the tribe" understands all of these feelings and new realities of my life.

Thank you TRIBE!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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