You are jumping to conclusions concerning how your life would be if you were to D. While you might be correct about most of that, you never know for sure. I had a very good friend who had 3 kids and a H that almost never kept his girls on his designated weekend. She had many men after her. Most of them were O.K. I don't know how often she got laid or with whom, but I am pretty sure she did some of the time.
Thank you for putting me in that 1% group. That was nice of you. I bet that tryn, ats and Deeppurple or busy right now filing some sort of protest about me being included in a club with them.
I really did not think you were the type to walk into a bar and ask for any sexual volunteers. It does make for a funny and/or exciting visual image for many of us here.
You are not selfish or a asshole. You are trying to get you and your W through a very tramatic event. You are putting much effort to understand all the factors that helped bring about these things. A selfish asshole would not make the effort to do this.
It is good to hear from you. Your H does have a point about having nothing more to say after so long a time. I don't know that I agree with him though.
More fucking ducks? Is there a book titled "101 Ways to Cook a Duck."? If not you may need to write one.
Hugs to the tribe.
I was shaking like a leaf and all I did was leave a message! I guess I should be put in the category of that I talk a tough game but when it comes right down to it, I have a hard time sticking up for myself. This seems so wrong! I never, never thought I would ever be doing this. C'mon Xanax...kick in! It's too early for chardonney!
After D-day she did say that she felt used by OM. So in keeping with that theme, I used her Saturday night........
You are so naughty. Hope she realises what a treasure she has!
Entitled dick syndrome.
I should have thought about using the grass myself. Why let the ducks have all the fun?
"101 Ways to Cook a Duck."
Sorry Dip. I've told him that if he wants to eat them he can pluck and cook the fucking ducks himself.
I've also said he must kill them in pairs. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving one without his/her partner. Mind you some of the drakes have so many OWs they deserve to be fried
Dip: you pop in from time to time, give us a laugh but rarely talk about how you really feel. You must be still hurting honey to keep coming here. Make sure you share with us if we can help.
ATS - your a very supportive & understanding H. Just remember you cant control her.She will heal at her own pace just as you heal at yours. While I'm away for a few days I'll have a beer for you my friend & wish you well.
Dip - enough! Im not getting anything & Im jealous. I'll have another beer though & maybe some double roast duck with an orange & macadamia sauce..
And I will now confess....I sneak out to the garage at night for some grass...it's way better than xanaxx!!!
And allgood - I think I could do the bar scene....and BTW...I've only had one man also...but I'm not giving up on finding out what it may be like with someone else. I might be old, but I'm not dead yet!!!
[This message edited by deeppurple at 6:43 PM, November 15th (Monday)]
allgoodnamesgone and nofun walk into a bar...
btw, I saw smoked duck pate in the deli case at the store this evening and thought about it in a whole new light.
Thanks Tribe for the support and your responses today. It was a very emotional morning with FWW and some frank discussion about her past and what sex with her OM meant to her. She really can be fragile and has some hugely painful history in her life.
honesttoafault, you are right about losing myself in FWW's issues. I probable need to schedule an IC "check-up" to clarify that I am making decisions for the right reason. There is still a big part of me that wants to help to "fix" her and make things better for her and us. I struggle with this and knowing what is right.
I found myself really angry later today with her BIL, and that he would take advantage of her for his own peverted sex fantasies texting and on the cell. I am pretty well at acceptance with the other OM (the ones she actually had sex with), but her bil would approach is wife's sister for phone sex and sexually oriented texts is just pathetic. I do know that I will eventually see him face to face.
It is a little triggery with FWW gone on work travel, but she is calling every hour or so, if she is meeting anyone there he cannot be enjoying all the interruptions. She told me tonight how proud she is of herself doing the travel today all on her own (she is a recovered agorophobic). I bit my tongue and did not mention the other business trips when she wass supposed to be on her own, but was with OM. When I dropped her off at the airport this morning I remembered the times I dropped her off before and now know she went in and met OM who was waiting for her.
I am proud to be grouped with old_dip. There is more to him than just being a grill-monkey However, I assure you I am not so good a man as I come across here, maybe it is just in comparison? FWW had to put up with a lot of the immature me before my IC 3 years ago and "getting in touch with my feelings" I would still rather gut fish than touch feelings
I so wish FWW would tell me she appreciates what I am doing and that she values my standing by her clearly rather than wrapping it up in how R is hard work and we are both working so hard. I know she feels this way, it would just be nice to be appreciated.
Wow, what I just wrote in that last line is almost exactly what FWW said about me soon after dday. Something more to think about.
Laura - I wonder if your H has a duck fetish
Who knows what sort of fetishes he has. Maybe I should ask OWs.
Laura - I got hungry.
1. Double roasted duck breast with a Grand Marnier reduction, potato stack, spring vegies (carrots, onions, cauliflower) with a brocholli puree.
2. duck liver pate
My H NEVER cooks. His idea of getting dinner is to heat up frozen pies. Something else I missed out on in our marriage. Fidelity and Fine food
I am having a pity poor me party tonight
We are ALL entitled to many of these. Ats you have had so much to deal with and have had so much patience. You need to let go every now and then. It's OKAY - it really is OKAY. You have been the strong one with your child-like wife.
I so wish FWW would tell me she appreciates what I am doing and that she values my standing by her
The trouble with WSs I think is that it is all about them. Even when they get caught it is still all about them. "Why can't you forgive ME?", "Why are you so upset with ME?". The selfishness is mind boggling.
Take care of yourself ats
I might be old, but I'm not dead yet!!!
Honey we have LOTS of life left in us!! If our dickhead husbands don't get their acts together we will cut the ties, kick up our heels and get nice bright shiny new lives without them!!
Overall, I am glad that we are reconciled.I do believe that my husband does love me (now). He admitted to taking me for granted and not appreciating what he had.
He does now. He has made huge changes in himself and basically worships the ground I walk on!
I am so happy for you that your husband has finally seen your true worth. But I am also so sad at the same time. It is almost 4yrs since your dday but you still have triggers and you still come to SI. It's only been 5 months for me and I don't know if I can cope with facing the next 4 yrs knowing that I will probably also still be saddened by his As and triggering then.
I want my "happily ever after" but am coming to believe that it will never happen. It will just be "OK ever after" because like you I think i will also trigger.
16 fucking yrs is so BLOODY LONG!!!
You do not pluck and cook fucking ducks? It is a good way to control the duck population. Thanks for inquiring about how I feel. I think the last time I wrote about that subject everyone fell asleep before they were able to read the entire post.
Laughter is the best medicine! A garage and grass! Now that sounds like a fun time.
Maybe this will help. It was looking like I might get some Sunday nite too. I must have said something wrong because her mood changed rather rapidly. Yes DP, I struck out.
You and UKgirl need to get together and discuss cooking. She describes some pretty fancy recipies sometimes.
Allgood and nofun walk into a bar... Yes there is a joke there. I just do not know if I should share this one.
Thank you for noticing that I am more than just a grill-monkey. I agree with nofun. You are so articulate when you write.
Laura -- if he does it again, you will be very upset. don't kid yourself on that one. You won't be completely shocked. You'll know what to do. but you'll be upset.
ATS -- you sociopathic troll. Posting her to lull us into a false sense of security. SIKE. SAB is horrible. You cannot begin to imagine what it does to a child. Some people just never, ever get over it.
That's about all. Still waiting to hear from Early Intervention. Getting the house cleaner and straighter and less cluttered daily. Baby Paddy is brilliantly smart. This morning I walked in front of the mirror and she said "Hi!" to the baby in the mirror and when she couldn't touch her, I guess she decided the mirror might be a window, because she looked behind it to try to find the baby. Then she got all confused, LOL because you know, she's a baby. She'll be 8 month old tomorrow! Yesterday I saw her push up on her knees and elbows for a short while -- but her face was smushed on the ground, LOL. I also put her sitting. She made it about 30 seconds so I thought she was OK, but then she fell over and bonked her nose on the hardwood floor. man was she made at me. Bet you didn't know a baby that young can give you a dirty look!
you all have pm's....
but the fact is that very little has changed in his life. I still pay the bills, pick up the dry-cleaning, have sex when he's interested, still sleeping in the same bed for God's sake! But I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I haven't stood up for myself more. I told him that I would have respected myself more if I had told him to leave as soon as I found out, but I didn't. I think it would have been better for me, but I recognize that it wasn't better for everyone else (our kids and other family, friends). I said that for now I think it's better that he not move out but that I may still need that in the future. Surprisingly, FWH said that if at some point I felt like I needed for that to happen in order to feel more empowered, then he would do that. In his opinion, it would not be helpful for R, but he would go if I thought I needed it for me.
Why didn't she get hit by a bus in London? UKgirl - where were you????
Ats, How long is this trip? I remember you posting about one she had before and you were triggering like crazy! But, as you know, it gets a little less each time. The OM were horrible users and abusers and did it because she was vulnerable. I donít know how you do it. Your patience is amazing and your ability to take these steps in understanding your broken wife is truly astonishing. I think, in her heart, she does appreciate you. How can she not? Youíre great! Hats off to Ats.
Honest, I think you need to chat with DS30 and explain how you feel. If you go, ask him to make things as easy and non-formal as possible so that any tension is eased. If you go, just try and relax, donít take things too personally and just let things ride. But talk to him and see what he says.
Okay, no time for more - gotta go get dinner for me and DS16. FWH went away Sunday and not back till Thursday night late. Letís all get through the week!
Hugs to the tribe and little hugs for Baby Paddy.
How long is this trip? I remember you posting about one she had before and you were triggering like crazy!
This trip is just 4 days for training. She is calling VERY often. I am having trigger thoughts, but this is just my anxiety, there is no rational fear.
That last trip she was visiting family for an anniversary with guests including her BIL she had phone sex with, and the uncle who molested her was there. She was to stay with her parents while everyone else stayed at the hotel. Instead, she intentionally broke that boundary we had agreed to prior to the trip to stay at the hotel where everyone was, and did not tell me about it. She did not call during the day as she said she would.
She did not even want to go to the event, but was afraid if she did not do something she did not want to do her sister would not like her. The whole thing was her dysfunctional family on parade. It nearly (?) pushed her over the edge with all the stress and triggers and her BPD traits all came roaring out at me. It damn near ended our M.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:56 PM, November 16th (Tuesday)]