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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

You are welcome miracle and thank you for the

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle-I am "Borrowing" your words..

"How can you trust someone who won't trust you with all of who they are...including their worst truths.."

My WS is very much struggling today and I used SO many of the words and advice I have heard here. I told him that until I see him broken down, slobbery, bawling, drooling mess of a man...that I won't ever think he gets it what I feel like.

He said he had came home (not here-he is living elsewhere) took a shower and had to go back to work tonight. I immediately doubted because #1 he asked me to the movies tonight #2 You shower to go back to a filthy job?

So....He got angry with me for doubting him! The nerve. It was a huge fight. He said "I don't appreciate your accusations!" Really????
That is when I told him, I will 100% NOT be working this out with you. Until you really "get it" what you have done to me, you will never, ever be my husband lying next to me again.

Hours later calls me and says:

"I just hate myself so much for what I have done to you, that I get angry and I lash out at you, I don't know how to stop that..I literally hate myself"

Well figure it out and give me a call when you do! MAYBE I will be here waiting...

Of course, being the sucker that I am, I did stay on the phone with him giving a lot of the wonderful advice I have read here, and I told him this:

"There is a Vile, filthy, evil monster between us. You are peeking around that monster saying hi to me and being all lovey and flirty,sometimes even touching me, but never dare touch the monster. Your not going through it to get to me! I NEED to see you walking through it to the other side with me. I want to see monster blood,guts and goo all over you, a disgusting vile mess. Kill the monster!
Than and only than will it be behind you. Yes, it will hurt, no it won't be quick, count on it. Face it, own it, step into it and walk forward towards me or let me go now."

I don't know if he gets it or not because I always use analogies and I think he blocks me out when he hears one coming.


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shocked from what i have read of your words and considering all you have learned within the last few days or weeks i find you immensely strong.....and that is wonderful, you will need to call on it again and again through this process no matter what the turn out...

your first task i would think is to gather, find out all you can from him of his behavior......ask for a timeline of his affair(s)

as you are gathering, assemble your list of your new boundaries....

if he does not honor them it does not mean that you pack it up and call it quits, you can have this list and let him know that crossing these new boundaries means a reconcilliation will take longer if it happens at all......

as part of this list you may want to include:

ic
mc
nc

these items at any point in time can also become dealbreakers, but remember don't signify a dealbreaker unless you are ready to deliver, once you do not deliver it gives a silence license for the ws to do whatever since there are no consequences...a nagging spouse is usually not enough of a consequence instead it becomes an excuse for the ws to do whatever (s)he wants...

and remember to breathe, every now and then take a few deep breaths and regroup..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle-do you mean a timeline as in "how long it went on" or is this something else I haven't learned of yet.

And I am going to type my boundaries list now. I need to keep them within realistic view of what I can stick with. I cannot say "Were done never speak to me again you stinking bastard!" because I will certainly waiver on that one huh?

You are all so smart, sadly because of what you have been through, but what a wonderful testimonial service you are giving to newbies like me. Using your powers for good and not evil!! Da-Da-Da-Daaaaa!! :::Capes flying:::


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to all.
As usual... so much to read and difficult to comment on all of the posts.
I am one of the veterans here in terms of d-day....
this New Years will be 4 yrs.
I know... scary for many of the newbies. It is scary to think that you may still be processing all of this 4 years from today!
I do want to reiterate that...eventhough I am still here on SI...things are definitely looking up.
I really do feel differently about life.I am happier and more peaceful.
But, it did take me almost 4 yrs to get here.

Strongish... you mentioned that your husband and your MC/IC? were trying to rush your recovery....
well, I wanted to say that not all ICs understand Infidelity.
The 'old school' thinking was you either divorce or you 'get over it' right away.
Well, all of the latest research looks at infidelity differently...they understand that for many BS finding out about an affair...especially a LTA...is traumatic.
It is a trauma and needs to be dealt with in the same way that you deal with PTSD that is caused by any other traumatic event.
I would suggest that you get the book: Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman and tell your therapist/counselor to read it as well.
Your husband would also get some real insight into how traumatic infidelity really is (this is often an eye opener for the WS).

Here is a link to a very good article about Infidelity.Most of us have read enough to be familiar with a lot of what she has to say but, it's good to have all of this info in one article.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2010/11/11/DI2010111104711.html


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal: i skimmed the article....its a good read from what i read..


shocked: a timeline is basically a calendar of events of the affair(s)....

they can be very short and to the point or they can contain a huge amount of detail

for lta's its hard to be able to remember everything that transpired over such a long period of time for the ws...however there should be at least a fair amount of info that can be gathered within one...

it needs to be up to YOU on how much detail you want or dont want...

the basics though need to be in it...

how often, how many op's, was the sex unprotected, were words of love spoken

then come some details to lots of details:

where (can be a hard one, especially if your home was involved)
types of sexual encounters
conversations
were there gifts
what did (s)he tell the op about the bs
etc, etc, etc

i am a i need it all kind of person, there are those who aren't...once you hear or see anything you can never unhear or unsee it, so make sure you really want it.....

and when giving him your list, make sure he knows that you can add or delete any item(s) as needed....your marriage is a work in progress which means that you will change things accordingly...HE does not get to do that......he put your marriage in the ditch and it is really up to him to get it out...you may have to guide his nose here and there mostly because most ws's do not have the tools necessary without some help....but he needs to prove to you that he can do what you need him to do for you......

once he has done that then you BOTH work on the marriage together...but for now, he needs to work on the marriage and you need to do whatever you need to do help heal YOURSELF from this mess.....guiding him along the way (basically letting him know what you need, how you need it and giving him the opportunity to do so)


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
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Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, November 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura doing ok here's an update
3 days away – alone from my WW & children; regrouping, getting my thoughts together about the future, work etc.
I used to travel a lot for work – 1-2 weeks away a month. It didn’t bother me that much. Ive only been away once this year & that was very painful as it was when ww organized the termination. I couldn’t wait to get home that nite knowing that she was by herself & dealing with the grief. She was lying in bed the children had already been put to bed; all I could do was to sit beside her, rub her back & reassure her that I was there for her. I would stay by her side all nite if that’s what she wanted. I could see the deep pain in her eyes , I kissed her goodnite & let her sleep. This time away I really do feel alone. Without my wife & children my world is a very empty place. Its only 2 nites but I miss the noise, the attention, the conversation, the children fighting – I miss them all including my wife. Ive always seen myself as a loner but now I realize im a family person. Its gives me that sense of belonging that has always been missing in my life. I stay in a marriage that is in so much trouble because not only do I love her dearly but because family is so very important to me. Its tough stepping up & double shifting as the 1 adult in the relationship but I do it because I want to not because I have to. I have anger & rage but I suppress it so that it doesn’t come to the surface. I want to call her a slut & a whore & every other name under the sun but that would be for revenge for personal satisfaction to hurt her. What is gained from that – nothing, nothing except further withdrawl on her part & more barriers between us. I choose to use my anger in a positive way when im training in the gym.
My ic asked what would be the deal breaker – I said I really didn’t know. Put into context I have a friend dying of cancer – long fight that has emotionally & financially drained the family- compared to this I feel lucky & fortunate & realize while our marriage is not good life in general could be a lot worse. This dear friend puts on a brave face & fights for everyday additional day to be with their family.there is always someone who is worse off than us.my pain is what I make it. My grief is determined by how long I wish to suffer.its hard & I have so many questions for ww but I know until she is in a place where she can address her issues I may never have those questions answered. What have I learnt – I ve learnt that im stronger than I ever thought possible, that I can love someone so unconditionally despite the terrible pain they have inflicted on me & that this very analytical thinking male has the capacity to offer compassion & understanding when others would have chosen to leave the marriage. IC asked to reflect on how the relationship is now. Honestly excluding the affair it’s the best it has been for many years. We talk, we communicate, I have touched her without her pulling away (not possible 12 months ago). I have moved closer towards her & I thought that she was still moving away from me but ic highlighted the changes in communication & the physical touch to show that in a small way a very small way that she to is moving towards me not further away. Earlier in the week we spent a nite working on her cv & job application letter. A few hours by ourselves. It was fun just being with her, us being us. A few times we finished each others sentences or said the same words together things we used to do at the start when we were going out.nothing significant but its something we wouldn’t have done 12 months ago. Someone pointed out to me to see my ww as someone who I am seeing casually. They are right its like I have to find this person all over again; rediscover her & she me. I’m no closer to working out who I am or what I want out life but I know that I control me. Will I heal – in time yes. Will my marriage survive – my hope is that it will but only with much time & effort from both of us it cant be done be alone. Time may heal but time only moves at a constant pace it rushes for no one. The heart has hope but the head says not likely.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
GeminiDream
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Member # 30027
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if he gets it or not because I always use analogies and I think he blocks me out when he hears one coming.

One of the best things about SI, for me, is seeing every day that I'm not alone, that I've not been the only person in the universe to experience what I have.


"If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe it's all true. Knowing that you lied, straight-faced, while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe."

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2010
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

old_dipstick and iwam, OK so I read back through my post and I suppose it could be taken as my implying iwam had killed trynhard after running off, sorry.

strongish, at njgal480's recomendation I bought the PTSD book. I was not able to get it away from FWW until she finished reading it cover to cover. It helped with developing some empathy from her.



LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

btw, last night with FWW was great!

Last night I was out with the funny, flirty, gorgeous woman I married. I told her the sAb survivor books sort of overwhelmed me, we agreed to talk more about where she is at and the implications for us. She did say that the IC work was stirring up all sorts of emotions and issues she had thought were finished and done. She wants the emotional intimacy with me, but things we can have fun sex in the interim.

2x in the same week

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:31 AM, November 20th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(gemini) welcome to our little corner of si....and sorry to find you here with us and happy that you found si and all it has to offer...

you are not alone....and from reading your profile it seems that you have been struggling for quite awhile in trying to come to some kind of terms.....and again you are not alone...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep Purple: I'm glad that you and your WW are starting to make steps closer to each other. But, I'm confused. Is your WW still in the A or is in NC?

Shocked: A timeline that might have major events, like when you might have gone to a wedding, or a vacation etc, what was happening with WH.

Our history has been affected and it's hard to come to terms with everything. I don't have any details or much info from WH, but I found out a few things. For example when WH was quitting smoking, he was acting like a beast. I attributed it to nicotine withdrawl. But I found out later that was when OW was pregnant with OC# 3. THAT was why he was acting out to me and the kids.

Because my WH can't even remember how old he is sometimes and is forgetful about things, I know I couldn't ever expect for him to give me a lot of details of where he was or when they did what. But there are big events that you may want to know. As I'm writing this, WH didn't come home from overseas one Thanksgiving, and that was when the A started.

It is very hard to reconcile all the new info. With shorter affairs, there is less history to rewrite. With a LTA, what you thought was your reality is shaken. The betrayal runs very deep. Much deeper than anyone would ever think.

Ats, I'm so glad that you and WW are getting closer and working together toward healing.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dp,

I think it is hard to know beforehand what will be the deal breaker. For many (most, all?) of us infidelity itself would have been a deal breaker prior to dday. Then we uncover the betrayal and we shift our thinking. I have told FWW and out MC that I do not believe I will be able to identify the deal breaker until after the fact. I have told myself that a new A I will force myself to D no matter my feelings, but for other issues like a NC break, short-term back sliding, ???, it is hard to predict. I do feel I am always aware of where my exits are for now.

Feeling the anger is normal and OK. It is what you do with the anger that defines good or bad reaction (honesttoafault told me this one). I spent some time calling FWW those horrible names at 6 – 7 months out. It was not our best time.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dp: what was your marriage like before the affair? what was your wife like then?

and if you are not ready to share, thats ok, i understand....i can be nosy sometimes....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all...

I stopped by this forum a few months ago but didn't return until now. I guess I just wasn't ready to move forward in healing myself at that time - I just needed to grieve, not that I am not now, but needed to process before I could express myself here. I guess I have reached the rage stage at this point - does this ever get better? Limbo land actually sounds like a place I would like to be in at this point.

My R is going ok - WS seems truly remorseful though I am sensing some fatigue with my questions and emotions. Another reason Limbo Land sounds good

Just a quick thank you to all of you -- your help means more to me than I can express


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((broken)))-welcome and I am so sorry you are going through this.


I am glad you are in a better place, albeit not the best place. I understand the "fatigue" because I get the same thing from my WH. It frustrates me, especially since I just found out a few days ago, but, he is trying. He did talk to me for a long time today about it and towards the end he was acting fatigued, so I can't blame him for that.

Did you just find out a few months ago? Was it a long time thing?

Again I am so sorry. This place is so incredible, the people are so wise and helpful.

Good luck!


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken - welcome to our little corner of SI. I have found some of the wisest and most compassionate people in this forum. Everyone is very supportive and kind. I know that they have been a huge help and comfort to me. IRL so few people know about my FWH's betrayal and would frankly be shocked. He has already protrayed himself as someone who exemplified integrity. Now I'm one of the few that knows that that's just not who he is.

ats - So glad to hear that you and your W had a good night last night. You were due to have a break from the upheaval.

(((dp))) Hang in there. You may feel lonely at times, but you're not alone. We will be here for you.

njgal - I'm going to pick up the book by Dr. Ortman to read for myself and then for FWH. I'll check with our MC on Tuesday to see if she's read it. If not, she may get an early Christmas present!

Feeling kind of blah today and frankly I'm grateful for it. I miss my older kids so much but it will be very difficult to have them home next week. My DD is very perceptive to my moods and if I'm not joking around enough she will get concerned. They know that my H and I are having "problems" but don't know the details. Whenever I think about telling them I imagine their reaction, the shock, tears, rage, etc. and I get physically sick. I know that I can't protect them from every hurt, but this is the kind of thing that a parent should NEVER subject their child to. DS17 has an appt. with the C on Monday and I half expect that he will tell her that he knows that either my H or I had an A. Or he may be trying not to know. I'm caught in a catch-22. It is so hard trying to act normal when I'm dying inside. I've never been good at hiding my feelings. But, it will tear them up if they find out. I don't care so much for FWH. Initially I was trying to protect him, but after 4 months I'm over that feeling!

Just venting...thanks for listening. Hope everyone is having a good weekend without too much turmoil.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gemini and Broken Promises: Welcome to our little corner of SI. The people here are wonderful and have literally saved my life this year. The devastation of a LTA is hard to explain to other people, but we understand.

Strongish: Your kids are older now. If any of your kids press you for what's wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling them very calmly that you and your father are having some problems (or issues) and you both are trying to work it out. If the kids press you for more info, just quietly tell them that it is between you and your father and not to worry.

This way you explain why you are worried and they don't jump to conclusions that one of you are sick or something. It also doesn't put them in a position where they feel they have to choose sides or put blame on anyone.

The upcoming holidays are hard to deal with. There are so many triggers of past memories, of times when things were "good". All the aromas of cooking also bring forth very strong memories. Try as much as you can to associate the holidays to something to the kids or childhood memories. Whenever I make the stuffing for the Turkey, I always think of my grandmother. I still am using the her roasting pan. I try to picture my grandfather carving the turkey in the kitchen and everyone coming by and picking up a piece as they brought dishes to the table. He would yell that there would be nothing left for dinner! It just makes me smile. I try to concentrate on these memories. It's hard to leave out the others, especially those of us who have been married a long time.
I know I'm going to have trouble since I decided I will go to DS 30's house for Thanksgiving and xWH and his wife will be there. It's just that the old wound has been opened with the new one. But DS 30 seems sooooo very happy about this. He wants me to make the turkey like I always do. xWH's wife is a good baker (I'm told) and will be bringing something. I do understand. God I do.
When I married WH, my mother came and so did my father and his wife. VERY small wedding, just immediate family. My mother and father's wife were very civil and father's wife offered to take pics of me and my mother. Everyone seemed happy. It made me happy for that day. Everyone was together. All the people I loved.

This is what DS 30 wants. I do understand. So this will be my gift to him. I promised myself I WILL NOT even have a sip of wine (LOL, two sips loose my lips and I won't shut up!!!)
As I've said many times before, xWH's wife has absolutely NOTHING to do with us. He met her many years after we divorced.

It will be an interesting day.

Thanks for listening to my ramble.

{{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
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Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - It sounds like you have some good role models for how to behav in an uncomfortable situation. My parents are just the opposite.....

My parents got a D when I was in college. The details were all very "shady" but it may involve my F being found in a compromising situation with another man. Not my issue...except that my M is still VERY bitter. We're talking almost 30 years ago and she won't even say hello to him at a family event. He has never said a bad word about her to any of us kids, but she never has anything good to say about him. As I said, our kids know that FWH and I are having problems and seeing a MC. So a couple of weeks ago, DS17 asks me that if we do get a D he was hoping that it wouldn't have to be like my mom and dad are. How sad that that is his frame of reference for a D. I told him that no matter what I would never, ever do that to him. For all his faults, FWH is a good father and loves his kids very much. That will never change and I tried to assure DS of that. Needless to say this was when we decided it might be best for DS17 to see a C.

So, I thought I was doing a great job of getting stuff for T-giving done early and then I got an SOS call from one of my bosses this morning. I usually work from home and have pretty much completed all the work that needed to be done so that I could take off all next week. Instead I'll have to go into the office on Monday and possibly Wed. all day. It makes me so angry that because some people didn't do their job correctly that I'll have to spend part of my week cleaning up their mess. I especially dislike going in to the office because when I'm there I get bombarded with more requests of things to do. When I'm not there they kind of forget about me and I can pick up work as I need to. So the pressure will be on to come in next weekend as well...pressure that I assure you I will resist.

God, I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of caring. If I could just stop caring about FWH then this would be so much easier. Why can't I just accept that he will never love me the way I want to be loved, live off his income and have a nice life. Everyone would be happy, right?

On that depressing note...I'm crawling under my electric blanket and cuddle with the dog. He always loves me and has never looked at another woman!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, November 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - she is still in the affair.
Miracle - our relationship for the past few years before the affair was pretty bad. All i did was work & when i was home i avoided her & she me. We rarely talked, led very separate lives, we were moving apart from each other, if i touched her she would pull away from me.basically we were going thru the motions - flat mates is a good term.emotionally she become a closed shop & i as well as i couldnt get in. now she has all the shutters - total indifference/ambivalence towards me.there are no discussions about us or how we feel - she is unable or cant deal with it. emotionally she has shutdown towards me.
the hardest time is when she goes out...it kills me & is slowly destroying me.
i dig deep put on a brave face but i struggle, i look at the kids & know i cant leave them. i pray that they learm from our mistakes & dont judge us too harshly.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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