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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
old dipstick
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Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I hope that everyone has a nice Thanksgiving and is able to find some peace this long weekend.


If you want I can kick those cabanna boys out of the house.


They say that exercise is one of the best ways to combat SAD. I guess it makes you to tired to care if it is dark at 4:30.


Watch out for your W this weekend. Since this is a stress that you can see coming, you are is a position to deflect some of it. It sounds like you are doing good. Keep at it.

Your menu sounds pretty nice. I will be grilling a nice, soft, huge breast tomorrow. Some things have been better here lately. Got some Sat, Sun, Tues. I think she is using me. I do not know what brought on this change, and I am not going to ask. I think I should just go with the flow...


It does not matter what the fucking ducks are doing. Just give us pictures. Remember, the tribe is easily entertained. Summer! I wish I could pack up all the tribe and come visit for a few months.


Thank you. I am glad that I made you laugh. I do hate to read that you are feeling so blue. That is the way this works. Your H should not have said those things to you. It sounds like he is a pretty selfish person. You are so smart and successful. You need to remember that.


I was wondering about your mom and the rehab. I'm sure she is giving everyone a workout.


A moderator for adult date nights? Interesting.

Special holiday hugs to the tribe.

Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A

Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
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Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can't seem to acknowledge my feelings are real to me, even if he disagrees with them.

This needs work. First of all, you can't disagree with FEELINGS. That's just stupid. They are what they are and they don't always make sense. I think it would help you to address this with him in MC. Also, my WH would say "you shouldn't feel like that (that's invalidating by the way, which is a type of emotional abuse) and I've learned to respond: but I DO feel like that. if he argues I'll say, feelings are feelings and they don't always make sense -- I can't NOT feel that way. When you do X it makes me feel Y. Period. Stop doing X.

He minimizes my role as contributing to the financial support of the family, which really pisses me off because yes, he's got a great pension, but I have definitely compromised my earnings to be more available for our family and he should know that.

This could be addressed in MC too. Also, how old are your kids? If you took on more at work to make more $ could you get childcare for them for when he's not there? I'm talking about illustrating what you do for the family and how you contribute by changing some things. Like -- I'm going to work X so I need you to do the grocery shopping, etc. I went back to working in the office instead of from home for exactly this reason.

Other than that - lets me do more than my "fair share" of work in the house, with the kids, I pay the bills and repeatedly ignored my pleas of needing more help from him for years.

I let him do less than his fair share of work in the house, with the kids and I let him not pay bills and there are no consequences if I ask for more of his time or money and he doesn't comply.

Enough said. This needs to be addressed in MC and in IC. There is a solution for this -- but part of it involves "playing chicken" -- letting things go undone and bills go unpaid, etc.

Of course there was plenty of staying out all night drinking too.

I'm assuming this has stopped so forget about it. Water under the bridge.

I'm starting to think we were never emotionally connected the way you were supposed to.

this is most likely true. But attachment can be built. It takes about two years of real, consistent effort to build a strong marital attachment (which is why recovery from an A is probably a 2 year minimum) so read up on and practice attachment building. Get him really, firmly attached to you. Consider it a challenge.

While I loved my H with all my heart, I don't think I ever had that KISA or soulmate kind of feeling.

Good. This is unhealthy anyway. You can say "Calgon Take Me Away!" all you want, but as I read on a few other threads here, you have to be your own hero. And sometimes, your Knight in Shining Armor is, on closer inspection, just some asshole in tinfoil.

I do NOT believe in soulmates. I just don't.

Anyway, from my not-so-expert analysis I am diagnosing you with a case of married to the right man. He needs to get his drinking under control and you need to do anything and everything you can to handle your hurt feelings and anger on your own and to build attachment with him, and you need to insist on greater contributions from him until he sees you as at least equal or possibly alpha.

Ta da!

So, to elaborate on Baby Paddy: She passed every category except gross motor with flying colors. I was glad to hear that some of the smaller problems she's having are not fine motor problems but actually also gross motor problems. She scored 15 out of 60 on her gross motor test so she's behind. The therapist said something along the lines of EI would probably be able to catch her up by the time she's school-aged, so it's a long road, but that what she sees is that their self-image, etc. isn't effected because they're caught up by the time they would start comparing themselves to their peers.

So, next is the full assesment with 4 different therapists and then they write the plan and arrange for the therapy. She said don't look too far down the road -- one step at a time. First, we'll get her holding her bottle, and sitting by herself, and standing supported with both feet flat and pushing up on her hands and knees and after that we'll see what's next.

Hope the therapist looks like one of those cabana boys

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here for a moment to wish the Americans here a peaceful Thanksgiving. Although I won't be saying it out loud tomorrow, I am so very grateful to all of you here on SI and especially in this thread.

XO - Nell

BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3- thank you for your analysis.

And, a Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33 - I thought Cabana boys were therapists or are they just therapy

Laura - I have SI saved in my favourites if WW logs on - she may get curious wishful thinking on my part as I know she wont look.
Just remember we talk about his precious duck quite abit.

Enjoy thanksgiving tribe & DIP - grill away!

[This message edited by deeppurple at 3:21 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)]

Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure she's giving everyone a workout.

LOL Dip!

How did you know?

M3: good news about Baby Paddy. You know, you said that she is very smart. Dr. Spock, who often gave good common sense advice, said that some babies are concentrating thier efforts on other things and walk (or talk) later....
Anyway, it looks like a good prognosis.

I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. A major thing I have to be thankful for is all of you here on LTA. Thank you all!!


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that d-day can 'break open' a marriage and shake both parties up and make them look at themselves and their marriage in a completely different way...with a new found appreciation for each other , their marriage, their family, their life together.

NJ - I am so hoping for this in my marriage. I believe it could be true with a lot of work. Thank you for your post.

Anger is just such a big hurdle right now - I guess I am in the rage stage.

Happy Thanksgiving to all - enjoy your day the best way you can

BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, November 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


i too am thankful for my si family, most especially this tribe...

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where in the Hell r u all today?!?

Ok, maybe your feasts are more elaborate than mine (actually, I know my limits and I provide the turkey, stuffing & alcohol and everyone else has to bring the sides and desserts. Lol.) (I'm also having 30 people here...)

Anyway, trying to stay positive, but dreading the moment the guests arrive and I have to put my game face on. Already started drinking...

Anyhoo. I'm thinkin of you all and hoping you are enjoying your time with your families and I am particularly thinking of you Honest & hope you are ok.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving Tribe...

Honest - thinking of you!!

BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who Am I!

WW's A has taken so much much from me. I ask myself "WHO AM I?"
I used to define myself by my wife, my family, my work. The A has robbed me of my wife, the family unit is still in tact & work well that is a disaster. I no longer know who I am or what I really what from life. This rollercoaster changes so much that the dark tunnel I'm in looks to have no ending yet I know in time I will emerge into the sunlight.
im hoping the festive season is just that - a close to a year that has delivered so much heartache & pain & that the new year is one of personal growth & fulfullment. That these feelings of helplessness subside & life regains some meaning with or without WW.

I just needed to share.

Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, November 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your good thoughts and wishes, Allgood and Nofun.

Dinner went better than I thought. My emotions were ok, on a fairly even keel. No big triggers, thank God. I purposely did NOT have any alcohol, except a glass of wine with dinner.
Actually, as we all know from experience, the mind movies are worse than reality. I was able to see in person xWH's wife's relationship with my older DS's. It's friendly, like an aunt, and they like her well enough, which is good, but she is NOT taking MY place. Her relationship with xWH seems ok, but not that he is head over heels in love with her, which is realistic. (they've been together for at least 20 years, more than I was with xWH).

In an odd way, it was healing, although still a little sad, but ok. I could see that xWH and I still have a lot in common, but I also realize that I settled with him. I was content to be with him, even though we weren't really meant for each other. I loved him to death when we were married, but I guess we were not meant to be with each other.

Deep purple: I am also trying to find myself. I've lost myself so many years ago. I hope you can find YOU, and not be defined by your role and the people around you. I know it is hard, since I've done the same thing, but I'm working toward it.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, November 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Just popping in briefly.

H is at home tonight ( Friday - took the night off) and over the weekend we are going to visit children for their birthdays. One on Sunday the other on Monday.

Anyway will have limited contact the next few days until he goes to work Monday evening.

Hope all you yanks enjoyed your TG. We don't have anything like that here. I guess the triggers would have been hard for some. Have been thinking of you.


I also feel I have lost myself and am trying to find out who I am. My life was defined by my work and family. Now my children are 200 miles away and my H - well..... I'm also finding it hard to be motivated at work - just doing the basics where I've always been very dedicated.

I'm not having much luck at present. Have lost lots of weight (15kg - about 33lbs) and look and feel better for it. Have bought a new wardrobe (size 12 UK) and thrown out all the "big" stuff. Determined to keep the weight off. I'm pleased about this. Changed my hairstyle (OW3 who wanted my life changed hers to be like mine!!!! so now I've changed!!!!! F....k her !!!!!) (Damn there's that swearing again ).

Other than that I'm struggling a bit to find "me". Hope I will have more success with TIME.

Feeling the cloud descending a little as the sun goes down. Does anyone else find evenings the hardest????

LOve to all


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad to hear that your Thanksgiving Day went OK.
I was thinking of you.

Hooray! for the weight loss. One positive thing that came out the affair,I guess.
You know, one thing that I have said to my husband was that he found the worst time in a woman's life to have an LTA....women at mid life are already very fragile due to hormones, dealing with the empty nest, dealing with all of the insecurities that women of a certain age deal with....not a great time for your self esteem to take a huge hit...
I know its hard for me dealing with my children living away from home. Even without the affair it would have been a time to redefine myself, my roles, my life.
My kids are both home for the, I will enjoy having time together.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, November 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


i am so happy that your day went so much better then you expected....i was thinkin bout ya.....

laura: novel idea here....why not have a thanksgiving of your it thankful for the blessings in my life day...invite the kids and have a special dinner, before you begin the meal everyone says what they are thankful for....that is what we do, its not so much about the pilgrims and indians for our household....

allgood: 30 people....more power to ya hon.....did you cater the turkey or were you up at 4 in the morn trying to get cooked...

cursing: raising hand here....i now sound like a sailor and worse i do it alot in front of my kids when i lose it with them, or mostly manchild....

weight loss: one of the good things that came out of this shit...i lost 25 lbs originally, put back a few, but am holding steady at 110 lbs...YAY ME!!

fyi: the only other good thing that came out of this shit is i no longer have to put up with the inlaws....really really toxic people..although there is a small crack in that one right niece (husbands side of the smily) has been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, it is pretty serious and the parents (bil &sil) have decided to give her a big bash for a sweet 16 and we were invited...for the last couple of years we have not been invited to anything making the break very pleasant...this puts a big crowbar into that....manchild wants to know if could annoy them (mil and one of the sil"s) i told him wrongly so that only if he is respectful about it....i know i will have to correct that, but right now i like knowing he wants to...mostly because i want to believe he wants to defend my honor, more then his dad ever did, even in thought...

((((tribe))))i hope everyone found something to be thankful for yesterday, i did, my kids and my mom are truly an awesome bunch...

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 26th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe I hope everyones' holiday went OK (US Tribe) and that you have a good weekend.

old_dipstick, FWW did a great job staying in the zone while we visited my folds with both DSs for two nights. She was pleasant, we joked, and she dealt with her discomfort. I hope your "gettin' some" roll is still rolling.

honest, it was good to see your post. It was a wonderful thing you did for your DS. I am pretty sure I would not have done that, you are the bigger man than me I am glad the dinner went OK, and that you could look objectively at the situation.

DP, defining who you are through other people is a mistake we all seem to fall into or at least flirt with. I have been making progress the last few months at being Atsenaotie who also happens to be my parents son, FWW's husband, my kids Dad, etc. I might have done an OK job at being who my parents wanted (although I still hear about ONLY earnign the Eagle rank and not also the religion medal ). As we know now, we cannot be who our WSs want.

The holidays start me down the paths sometimes. I am not over the A-crap, it is just better. I spent a lot of today wondering why I accept the new present given the betrayal of the past. Infidelity truly is a deep wound, and FWW does not understand how deep and infected it is.

Oh well, enough negativity. Hope to take the boat out tomorrow morning before the weather moves in.


[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:44 PM, November 26th (Friday)]

FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning tribe!

Dip: forgot to congratulate you on your recent triumps with Mrs. Dip. Congrats and may this be the beginning of a new trend. I agree with you that you best not question these types of gifts (although I would be very curious myself...)

Ats: Glad you were able to enjoy your holiday. I just posted a topic in R as to what people would wish for in R if they were granted 1 wish. There are many days that I think that I would wish to wake up having no feelings for my H at all.

Honest: Glad you too were able to enjoy your holiday!

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

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Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I'm sorry to hear about your WH's niece. Your son wanting to defend your honor, that is one of the good things about having sons. WH always called my older DS's my "bodyguards". Matter of fact, on Thanksgiving xWH's wife was joking about how short she was (5 foot) and kept saying to me, "Don't you do anything small? They are all so BIG!!" meaning all the DS's. DS 15 is now 6 foot and towers over his brothers.

Ats: I'm glad you are going on the boat. It's getting colder here, so I'm quite envious!! You won the religion medal too?? I won it when I graduated grammar school (I survived Catholic School )

Laura, the evenings can be very hard. During the day, it's easier to be distracted and keep busy, but at night it's quieter and your thoughts seem louder. I try to plan my evenings too, watch some TV, read a good book, etc. I often find myself staying up so late that I can hardly stay up so I can sleep easier. Of course, I pay for it the next day because I'm so tired.

Allgood: I know, we just want this pain to go away. It's in the depths of our souls and dampens our spirits.
You are going through one of the toughest times in life, even without the A. You are raising 4 small children (plus one "big chid), working full time, taking care of your house. Been there, done that, (still kind of doing it). We can lose ourselves so easily trying to balance it all. We lose our sense of selves just to get through the day. We start to do everything ourselves because it seems "easier".
For example, when one of the Ds' was around 9 and wanted a drink, I proceeded to get the glass and pour the milk. My mother says "He's old enough, why don't you let him do it himself?" The answer? Because I felt it was quicker and easier because he would end up spilling it and I would have to clean it up. But, part of our parenting job is to TEACH them and to know when to let go with certain things.
Allgood, I feel besides the anger from the A, you are feeling very resentful about the division of labor. Perhaps that is where you can start. With MC or yourselve, really talk about your expectations of what needs to be done and who is going to do what. Treat it like a partnership and try not to get emotional about it. If you can let go of some of the resentment about home chores and you are working together, you may start to feel a little more relaxed.

ETA: to add, I posted something in Divorce/separated about the xWH's wife. Thought it would be better there, but you can take a look/see.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 9:17 AM, November 27th (Saturday)]

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Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving folks.... Everyone is shopping so I thought I would catch up with everyone… Of course, I always have advice for all you fine folk! Sometimes I open my mouth too much so I thought I’d share where I’m at today just in case you are following the same path of grief... or healing?? plus it would take me forever to make comments.. lol

It seems every day I get stronger and stronger as I continue to accept the new me. I'm starting to get back in my groove back at work too. I make a list positive vs. negatives side by side… The positive still far outweigh any negatives in so many aspects… so why am I consistently evaluating my relationship day after day? Is that too going to be my life? I guess it is just more crap to accept… Maybe it’s just what is going on right now with my best friend.

Last night, my friend and I discussed his decision he is about to make. He’s about to stop loving his GF… now 2 years into this relationship. She is just not the best partner. His GF’s depression keeps her in bed all the time, sickly, unwillingness to contribute income to their relationship, too much alcohol and a bit dependent on prescription drugs. The decision is so hard for him… moving, pain of it all… But I admire his strenght.

Life's up and down for so many.. I guess that is just life… Oh how I wish I was young and care free again…

Oh well.. off to have a good football weekend.. I hope you all have a good one too…

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:41 AM, November 27th (Saturday)]

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, November 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After what I thought was some playful fun on the boat today, it has been a strained evening. The good news is we are still talking, but so much for a fun evening. It was made clear tonight that spontaneous sex is off the table, and that she only wants sex 1 or 2x a month. Even at that level she feels she is having sex more than she wants to. I was correct that she usually (often, all the time?) has to drink to have sex with me. On the positive side, these events demonstrate to me I am past many of my co-dependancy issues.

ACoA issues, SAB survivor issues, health issues, job insecurity...

Good thing my self-esteem is so good, or I would feel crappy that she had sex with OM a couple of times a month, including afternoons where no drinking was involved. I might even feel worse about her statement that OM was not willing to get together as often as she was available.

I feel like I am married to a savings bond and waiting for it to mature so I can redeem it.

FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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