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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,
No apology necessary, therefore I do not accept it... instead I send it back in its original packaging so you can regift it.

I am reading and thinking, but not responding quite yet because everything you all have said is still percolating... but tryn I didn't want you to feel bad. And I appreciate your last long response!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNellNow:
Follows my lead

Takes my ideas seriously

Shows interest in my activities/hobbies

Shows me that I make Nell happy and that Nell wants to be with me

I think these responses would be typical for many men. Men bond with time spent together and a common interest. I believe that a great insecurity about their self lies at the core of most WS’s, it certainly does FWW. This is the hole within that people speak of Mr. Nell’s statement “Shows me that I make Nell happy and that Nell wants to be with me” I see as an attempt to assuage this insecurity .

These statements are OK as "entry level" exercises in identifying and sharing needs. In the intermediate course, the exercise would be expanded from

...give five examples finishing this statement:
"I will feel VALUED when Nell
to

I will feel valued when Nell XXX, because then I feel YYY.

FWIW, IC is working with FWW on advocating better for herself and identifying her needs. Sounds like similar work.

I figure the A was a dealbreaker and I'm negotiating a new marriage contract here.

Me too. One of my realizations is that the woman I married never existed. She was my perceptions, my filtered reality. I never knew the real her, and with IC and internal work she is in the process of changing. We are both waiting to see who she is becoming. So far, I like this different person, but we are sort of dating while married. Instead of deciding to pop the question and become engaged, it is deciding if we like what we have or we have to become divorced. In some ways, our new relationship will be similar to an arranged marriage I think.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNellNow... I can tell you are working on your M right now.. that is what your MC is moving you toward. Yep.. so do it!

I can tell ya, nothing your H says or does right now will every make you feel good about his cheating. Nothing. It is going to hurt until the day you die. Even Honest needs to remind me, it even hurts if you D. It just does. Welcome to life. We are born, people and things make us happy and sad, we get sick and die. So we dust ourselves off... make a decision to change.. and forge ahead.

My W and I have dialogued on over 50 subjects in the past 16 months. Let me give you an example of something that once bothered me… My self-confidence…

I am going to share my letter to my W in the form of dialogue.

HDIF about my self-image?

Dear Lord,
Please guide us to be health in body, mind and sprit and fill our souls with good feelings about ourselves.

Dear T,

Thank you for taking care of me during my tooth ache. My having someone to take care of me was very comforting. I want to know your feelings about yourself and, express my feelings to you about my own self-image.

I feel very important, confident, easy, certain and secure when in comes to DD1, DD2, our parents, siblings and my friends. At times on my job, I get frustrated and my confidence and security fades. Overall, I feel good about my image at my job and I feel all right about it. My job seems to be up and down, Flip floppy, depending on what is going on. But, I really wanted to you to know my self-image when it is about you.

I am proud of whom I’ve become in our marriage but, I also have these feeling that are shaky, a bit cowardly, somewhat shy, frayed, when it comes to my self-image with you. The feeling might be like a time when you applied and interviewed for a job. That period of time you were waiting to get that offer for the job. That feeling where you know you will do a good job, wanting the job, but the person making the decision to hire you hasn’t let you know yet. Yes, I see you loving me and I care for every bit of it, but, I don’t feel that peaceful confidence that makes me feel good about me…us. Maybe I’m telling you I want that that unconditional, protected, confident, at ease feeling. It might be that same feeling just like you had last week when we visited your parent’s house. Thanks for listen to my feelings.

I love you… and you are the only one I want to ever be with… I want to love you at this complete and total peace… you are my choice, my truth, my wife….

Love D


ImNellNow… Would you like to have a letter like that? See, my wife does want me to feel good. If not, She is outside my boundary set. (I will only be married to someone that wants me to be happy) So today, I need to pay close attention to what she does because sometime the hurt gets in the way. When I do look hard, I notice that after our letters and dialogue, she tries to place me at ease… She does it with an I love you text, she brought me caramel corn, and now tells me I do look good. She might make a point to discuss what we will do for retirement… I don’t force my wife to do these things nor does some MC… She wants to do it because I effectively communicate what I need….

I have received some of the most beautiful letters from my wife and I have written some good ones too.

Let me share another tough one about commitment and MC… this was 12 months after dday.. I was not sure we were going to make it…. You can see my wife still did not have that “thing” for me as I describe it…

from my W.

Lord, Please help me feel your presence by my side. Help me through the confusion I feel. Help me see clearly and to be strong. In his name.

Dear D,

The feelings that I have that are an obstacle to my commitment to the MC are discomfort and some doubt. I feel a little discomfort because it is not always easy to open up when you might not be in the mood. Sometimes, it feels like I am in school and there are high expectations but doubt whether or not this is leading us to resolution. I know how I’m supposed to feel, what I should feel, what I should say, but I am reluctant to share negative feelings for fear of hurting or upsetting you sometimes.

I appreciate your willingness to embrace MC and other tools because you have become a much more sensitive and compassionate person.

Love T

Would you both like these kinds of letters? At least I was clear where my wife stood... I would have never been given a letter like this if it weren't for Retrouvaille. Your man will not regret ever going to something like this.

What started to happen was after many letters back a forth.. we somehow started to become more intimate. I kept doing things for myself. I made a decision to forgive, doing all the desirables... be a great H and all good toward my wife. I did it even though she was unsure about me. We started to have fun with each other again.

Once you know all the secret hideaways, how they kept that secret, some horrid details… Just know it for what it was… selfish lust, selfish greedy fun they had. A relationship with not much substance or foundation.. even a cheater has no respect for another cheater (A crazy hypocritical fact). But people do change after hurting someone they love. It's also up to us to know if they are going to change. It's not easy. Heck, I likely would love to rock your world.. a sweet young hot 38 thang… what 49 year old man wouldn’t want to love all over you? (dips needs to confirm the rule of half your age plus 7 so a 38 year old woman might still like me for more than my money..lol) It is my commitment to my W that will prevent that from ever happening! Your H lost his way in life. He failed to keep his commitment. People that love you will cheat. It's not hard to lose your way in life with all the temptations. It is our bad luck we both picked someone that ate the apple… Hurt us so badly. But you can be happy again.

In order to be happy, all we can do is make the choice to live with the memory now in our brains forever… live on with our spouses in the best possible way and treat them how we want to be treated.. without punishment… OR.. Find a new partner in life… or even single.

And you know what? Our spouses may still leave us in the end once we make the choice to R. It this happens to me, I’ll take my half and find someone to share..

But if we make the choices to give our spouses a second chance to change and be a good partner, we owe it to them to be desirable… If they don’t want to be desirable to us, it is up to us to never fear a change!

All marriages go through phases. My marriage was exactly like this chart…

You are in misery right now… You can come out of it and reach something special with your H and early in life too. My W started her A when I was 40. I look back and regret not finding out sooner… not changing and being the man I am today… It is now you and your H chance to discover what deep mature love is all about… Or Start over if you so please.

www.retrouvaille.org can help you find what you need to reach happiness.

Dear D,
Sometimes I feel like we are still that young couple still getting to know each other! That's a good thing! I love our life, our children and you. Thank you for making me feel so loved. You have made me a better person just by being in my life. All my love, T.

more...

Dear lord, I pray for your strenght and loving ways. Please watch over me and D.

Dear D, I feel a little sad but mostly proud that DD1 is going back to school next week. I am less sad because I know and comforted by the fac he is so excited and ready. I am so excited for DD2 starting this ne phase in her life.. bursting with pride at the young woman she has become. I am just going to miss her presense. I need to embrase this new phase of our relationship with our children being gone and will work on it. Thank you for the love letter. I am sorry you couldn't tell me about visiting IC. I'm sorry I have haven't been stronger to understand your need to visit those websites. I hope and pray you are able to become truely happy again D, that is what I want most.Love T.

See, she has guilt over my wanting to visit here.. but it only helps me. I tell her it helps me but she doesn't much like it I guess. She won't say much about my visiting. But you know what? I do what I think is best for me.

Anyway.. Peace out!

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:28 PM, December 7th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not responding because I'm digging through everything like a terrier trying to get at a burrowing rodent. Bits of thoughts like dirt clumps flying through the air. Eyes shut tight but when I have the rodent in my teeth I'll back out into the sunlight and proudly dump it on your doorstep.

EDITED to fix the metaphor.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 3:06 PM, December 7th (Tuesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 7th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell- your description reminded me of my dog (which was more of a Marmaduke type dog than a terrier)who brought a dead bird in my house and plopped it on my dining room floor when I had my parents over for dinner...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning all!

Y'all done and disappeared on me again yesterday...

Nell - I hope you have stopped digging and I look foward to heaving any new revelations.

Everyone else - let's be happy today. I know I have plenty, PLENTY, to be happy about, but I tend to focus on this 1 horrible thing that happened to me. (Granted - it's a great big gigantic horrific thing, but still....)
This is starting to affect other portions of my life & I don't like that.
So, I'm going to try harder to bear that in mind today.
Peace all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn - thank you for your posts. They help more of us than you know. I think I have to go to Retro before I decide to throw in the towel.

I've been on the down slope the past couple of months. H is running scared, doesn't know what to do with me, doesn't know what to say and so he made an appointment with the IC in a somewhat panic mode.

We talked about separating. He said he doesn't want to S or D and it will be horrible for him but he wants me happy. He said he is truly sorry for the pain he has caused me and that I did not deserve any of it. He wishes he could take it back. He regrets what he did. Maybe retro...what do I have to lose?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he better? Yes, he's improved. But I'll tell you -- he went with me to IC. My next IC session, my IC was quizzing me down to try to figure out if he's a sociopath or just amazingly narcissistic. So, there you go. I was just relieved that I'm not the only one who sees it. (He's not a sociopath.)

Anyway, I was talking about anxiety with IC. See, problems with anxiety run in my family anyway, and the whole emotional/verbal abuse makes it worse. I'm SO anxious around him. It's worse actually when he's not here and I know he'll be home soon, but I'm absolutely a better person, and a calm and happy person, when he's not around. He's LESS abusive than he was, but he's still abusive.

So, here's the thing: I do think if we broke up he'd go back to OW. And *she's* a sociopath. They can be pretty good at fooling you, but I've learned a lot about her -- and where you see it is how they treat people they have or think they have power over. I cannot, cannot, cannot under ANY circumstances put my kids in ANY kind of a position where she would have any power over them EVER. She's horrible. She makes my WH look like Mother Teresa.

I've found out so many things -- in addition to things I already knew before Dday that kind of creeped me out. My nanny who used to be her nanny? She berated her mercilessly -- so much that nanny cried herself to sleep every night, and she hit her too. The night The Pasha was in the hospital -- she took The Pharaoh to her house (he was only 4) -- apparently she decided he shouldn't be afraid of the dark at his age so she locked him in a dark room all night long. She told nanny's sister that it must be horrible working for me because The Pharaoh is such a horrible spolied little brat. The first time she ratted WH out in 2008, she held a knife on me and The Pasha (can you see why I thought she was loony/lying?)

Frankly, at the time, I said to myself: "Self, maybe she's lying and maybe she's not. If she's not, WH now knows that she'll rat him out and that she's kind of effin crazy (she locked us out the the beach house the next day and there we were, stuck in 100+ degree heat with a baby...) so he'll either stop seeing her or it's just too late anyhow." And as far as I can tell, he didn't talk to her for 6 months and she eventually came crawling to us apologizing saying that she was going through menopause and she'd gotten hormones and antidepressants and therapy and was so sorry ...

Anyway, I could go on and on, but you guys get the point.

Plus, if I D'ed I would also be leaving small kids to deal with the emotional abuse/verbal abuse/neglect. (He doesn't watch them enough in an age-appropriate fashion when he's responsible for them. He took the pharaoh and the pasha to a store on Black friday and said he lost the pasha 4 times and had to send the pharaoh to find him Jeesh. I'm not even going to get started with that.)

So, my best option is to deal. I've got to deal with him. I just do. It falls on me. He has the capacity to be really wonderful. And, he wasn't always like this, not before getting involved with OW again.

So, IC and I spent some time talking about how to reduce those anxious feelings. I need to spend time thinking about and rehearsing what I'll say/do when the evil twin shows up. And I'm keeping track of the nastiness. And I refuse to keep it to myself. And I'm going to get others involved in stopping him if I need to. Etc.

I do think we could have an OK M in a few years. It will always be damaged by the infidelity and the damage the abuse did. IC stressed that I will always need to protect myself and my kids from him. I've got to keep my money to myself. He said if WH ever snaps out of this narcissitic denial he's in about what he's done -- he'll probably have a nervous breakdown, but that he doubts he'll "get it" anytime soon, if ever.

It's sad, but like I said, my life isn't just about me. But this is the best choice. I have to be the role model for health and goodness and happiness and kindness ... but he does have the capacity to make those changes if he wants to. I hope I can convince him/lead him. I've just got to keep getting my shit together. I can't be even one iota codependent or even dependent at all. As a matter of fact, I'm trying to convince him to quit his job, move to a less exepensive area and be dependent on me. (I do make six figures)

As far as protecting people goes -- I am acquainted with a woman who is due to have a baby in six weeks -- her boyfriend has been thrown in prison (he's probably going to get 15 years) and now she has been evicted and has no job. SO... the M3 house is getting bigger.

See, that's the thing about my dual personality WH -- to him having this woman here is a no-brainer. She can stay as long as she likes, and he'll treat her well. He's just totally confusing that way. It's like he has to push us away because we love him. Well, it's working.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455,

You are taking on soooo much responsibility.

I hope I can convince him/lead him.

You can't.

--ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ats. But I can't leave my kids with him. Not if he's repeatedly letting a 4 year old wander around a store alone. Not when he's leaving the baby alone with a toddler who is hitting/injuring even us adults to come upstairs and look at the computer. Not when he tells the 20 month old he's going to take him outside into the cold and throw him down into the big, scary construction hole down the street if he doesn't stop screaming in the restaurant. And I can't prove it, and judges don't take kids away from their parents for emotional abuse. I am really effin' stuck here. And my tension and stress levels aren't making me a better parent or a better person either, because I'm totally stuck in "fight" mode and I get scared of how he'll react if they're misbehaving. Two of them were being awful last night and I just asked him not to come home because you completely can't predict what he'll do when they act up. It's a cluster F*ck.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun...

Just go to Retro... Asked you H to go for you. At the worst, it takes time. You will learn things you can take into your next relationship should your H choose not to practice what you both will learn.

My Wife and I use it everyday like they suggest but when it does pop up, we both know it is a big issue.

Sometimes you just need a boost too... You can get one of these from your H too.. Men just are not good at writing love letters... More...My wife's letter to me...

Question: What are the top things that make you happy?

Dear lord, Thank you for bringing me more peace lately. Thank you for the blessings of D job and good news there.

Dear D,
I know I haven't seemed very happy this past year but I am finally starting to feel some hapiness again. I owe most of that to you. These are not in order.

Being with my family - all of them, including those in BR, like for the holidas or special occasions. It makes me feel warm a cozy and safe. Happy from the inside of my soul.

Being with all four of us - ... talking and sharing.. or just out to dinner... I feel most content.

Sharing time with you - having a glass of wine, watching a movie, gambling, I love it when we go away, just the two of us. It makes me feel romantic, loved and wanted. I like sharing thing with my Husband, my lover, my best friend, YOU!

Traveling anywhere make me happy...

Tiger makes me happy every day! pure unconditional love. He is so adorable.

Love, T

I have saved most of my Wife's letters... Do you notice none every discuss her A... they are only about our relationship!

At the beginning we did have some questions that associated to the A.. but it was mostly about feelings and not the act...

Go...

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:55 AM, December 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455.. with all your kids and what is going on... Why are you taking on one more burden? You must be a very generous woman.. but you need to think about yourself right now.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Thank you for your wonderful posts. The letters between you and your wife are truly fantastic and a blessing. Your graph was very spot on. I can see at 18 mos. that the emotions weren't the high up and down roller coaster, but all jumbled. That's exactly how I feel now, except every once in a while the roller coaster takes a dip, but I recover quickly from it.

Nofun, I agree that Retro might be a good thing for you. You have nothing to lose, and a lot to gain! Go for it.

M3, you need to start to document when WH does these abusive things to the kids and to you. If only for you to see how often it actually is happening. It can help too, if you decide to S for child custody.
I truly understand why you want to try to make this work. Hell, I've been trying to make an impossible situation work and change myself into accepting an unacceptable situation. You cannot sacrifice yourself like that. In the long run, you will be killing yourself inside and that is not good for the kids either, actually worse.
Yes, decide what is the path of least regret, but your WH emotional abuse of the kids might increase. DOCUMENT.
It's a good plan to take care of yourself and your money. The less dependent on him, the better.
Please read Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". You cannot control WH, and you cannot spend the rest of your life doing damage control.

{{{Allgood}}} Take a break emotionally if you can during this holiday season. Give yourself a mental vacation for a few weeks. Even "pretend" all is well with the world just for a little while. It will relieve the stress for a bit and give your kids a gift of you.
Just to share this little story: DS 15 wanted to learn how to do calligraphy. So I bought a book and a few pens. We both were sitting trying it out and I was getting frustrated at the outcome. DS 15 says, "Mom, this is supposed to be fun. Don't worry about how it's turning out so much and enjoy doing it." What wise words!!
I keep trying to remember them when I'm trying to get something done. I bought the Christmas tree and all I was thinking about was the WORK of putting the lights on, etc. But then, I remembered DS's words, and said to myself 'let me enjoy doing it".

Pray for me tribe. WH is supposed to be coming soon. I am much better when I don't hear from him, and when I don't see him. I don't want him to come, but he pays the bills and wants to see the kids and he tells me he misses me. BS.
I have known what I should do fromm day 1, but have been paralyzed with shock and trauma for a very long time.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn:

. I feel a little discomfort because it is not always easy to open up when you might not be in the mood. Sometimes, it feels like I am in school and there are high expectations but doubt whether or not this is leading us to resolution. I know how I’m supposed to feel, what I should feel, what I should say, but I am reluctant to share negative feelings for fear of hurting or upsetting you sometimes.


. I am sorry you couldn't tell me about visiting IC. I'm sorry I have haven't been stronger to understand your need to visit those websites. I hope and pray you are able to become truely happy again D, that is what I want most.

oh my gosh tryn.....here you go...do you see what i see....you both are still continuing to hold back when you both so really want NOT to.....

share your feelings with her and allow her to do the same...not all feelings that we share with those we love are positive....the negative needs to be addressed with each other....secrets and holding back needs those are the kind of things that will end up hurting the marriage, build resentments...

tryn you dont have to go into details, just share that you are triggering when you do and allow her to the same....


m3: document, document document and get yourself to a divorce lawyer yesterday to find out what you would need to get sole custody giving him supervised visits only.......line up those ducks, because even if you do not intend on using them now you will sometime in the future...get your financial house in order (if i remember correctly you are in some debt)...and save, save save........you are in an abusive sich and that will not change, you cannot change him, you have no control..none over him and his choices.......i understand the need to protect your kids, hell i lived it.....but at this point in time you need to protect their mother too......you cannot make your family life "perfect"...you can only work with what is...and remember it is what it is and it can become what you make it..


honest: stand strong dear heart and of course you have my prayers...

gotta go for now...need to go pick up one of my charges...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
My God... I am horrified for you. Please don't add more stress to be more responsible for more people to your plate! Be an advocate for this woman... give someone else the gift of helping her.

(((honest))),
You sound closer to your center. Stronger than you have been. Good for you.

I am still digging... the thoughts are coming together bit by bit. All is well so far...

and, tryn, I read up on Retrouvaille last night. Then I thought that if I actually went with WH I would probably spend the whole time a blubbering mess, and actually made myself cry by picturing myself crying. Then Boyo2 asked for help putting cut-out pictures of toys in an envelope for Santa so I didn't get to feel sorry for myself for too long.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok i can finish now:

m3:

I am acquainted with a woman who is due to have a baby in six weeks -- her boyfriend has been thrown in prison (he's probably going to get 15 years) and now she has been evicted and has no job.

acquainted....not a good place, i can understand if she were a friend, but aquainted means you do not know her well at all and now you are letting her into your home with your children..

first: her judgement may not be reliable..

second: forget your husband in this, he is not in any position to be welcoming another woman into your home.....

if you want to help her then get her into a reliable shelter, set her up with people who do this for a living, get her on welfare and find her home, just not yours.....


to all those who are trying to reconcile....none of you have anything to lose except some time and money to go to retrovaille......i have always thought it a good idea to try it all...exhaust all possibilities before you choosing the next path....so that you can be confident or at least as confident as you can be that the next path is the one of least regret....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle.. You are such a good strong woman. My W and I are pretty open. I do think somethings are best left unsaid. I am not going to make her feel guilty any way.

BTW..That letter was written in Aug 2009. Once the letters are written, you do discuss them to get clarity.

Heck, I cannot even remember what negative feelings she could not share? I'll post more but it does show what happens after Retro... it still was said in a loving way.

Anyway.. we are off to wonderful weekend in the mountains. Peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - This long-distance hug thing just isn't going to cut it. I am so, so sorry for your situation. Please keep venting and posting here as often as you need to, in order to keep your head above water. (((m3)))

All - I had my 2nd IC session with the "new" C today. I really like her and trust her more than the previous IC/MC. I shared with her the confrontation and follow-on meltdown that was my Sat. night. She made me feel like a million bucks when she told me that I appear to have good insight into my own feelings! Take that FWH!! She has recommended that together we see a separate MC, one that she words with quite often and that she knows works with men with personalities similar to FWH. I have a call in to FWH but have not heard back from him yet but I'm really hoping that he will be agreeable. Most likely he will bristle at the extra cost associated with seeing another MC but I just don't feel comfortable with our old one anymore. I felt like she was minimizing my feelings. I'm actually feeling more optimistic than I was this morning before I saw her. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Honest....It's good to hear that you recognize that you are getting stronger. Keep up the good work and stay in touch.

Tryn...your continued support and wisdom is inspirational. It makes such a difference to see that there really are couples that can not just survive, but thrive after LTA. I want what you have!

One of my realizations is that the woman I married never existed.
Ats...and I think most of us feel that way. I know that I do. It is still impossible for me to mesh the person I thought FWH was to the person I see now and it makes me wonder if I ever really knew him at all.

Nell....where are you?? Still thinking about you and hoping you are doing okay.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not when he tells the 20 month old he's going to take him outside into the cold and throw him down into the big, scary construction hole down the street if he doesn't stop screaming in the restaurant.

M3-- I read your posts and I just am flabbergasted at times. HOW do you do this? You are a rock!
I do not know what to say to this emotional abuse but is he trying at all to change? Does he feel badly after wards?
And, now your going to help someone else who is down and out.. There is a very special place in heaven for people like you for sure!!


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, December 8th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3-
I am shocked. I had no idea that this was what you were dealing with!
This is not reconciliation this is abusive behavior.
It does sound as if your children could be in danger. His angry outburts are not normal and not something that you should have to live with.
I'm glad that you are seeing an IC. But, I think you should go to see an attorney for a consultation. You may find out that you have a lot more rights than you imagine and the attorney may give you some suggestions as to how you could get divorced and still keep your children safe.
If I were you I would get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and try to record some of your husband's rants as evidence.
So much of what you described sounds so unhealthy...sociopathic. You say that the OW held a knife to you and locked your child in a dark room....and that you think that your husband would end up with the OW if you divorced?
They deserve each other.
I had no idea what you were living with.
You are a young woman.You can have a fresh start.You can have a happy and peaceful life. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. Your children do not deserve this kind of life.
Please continue talking to your IC.
And, I agree with the others...please re-think the idea of taking in the female friend/aquaintance.As well intentioned as you may be it just does not sound like a good idea.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


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