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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455.. with all your kids and what is going on... Why are you taking on one more burden? You must be a very generous woman.. but you need to think about yourself right now.

I think it's only going to be for a couple of days. We've called Catholic Charities and I'm using our huge network of awesome friends affiliated with the church to hunt up a safe place for her to go. She's better off elsewhere than with us, some safer place.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3:

She's better off elsewhere than with us, some safer place.

omg this is so so sad....you put this virtual stranger into a safer home and you do not do the same for you and your kids......

m3 value yourself please and look into putting yourself and your kids into a safe place...consult an attorney to find out your options...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, December 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I hate this, because I write these things and they are not untrue or embellished, but it's not how I experience him most of the time. It's still unacceptable, I know that, but I think my doctor summed it up by saying: I think he's on the wrong medicine.

Good news is: I think I've found the young woman a transitional home through Catholic Charities where she could stay for 2 years. Her fiance is going to get convicted. The FBI has him on video dealing the drugs wearing a handgun and they recovered the guns and drugs during the raid/arrest. He might even get life.

I've got to run an errand but I'll be back.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, December 9th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((M3))) Thinking of you today and thankful for a heart like yours that is helping this woman out even in the midst of your trials.


((((giant hugs)))


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW has stepped up to the plate, and I am experiencing mixed feelings.

She has prepared breakfasts and packed lunches for me. She has given me oil rubdowns so the recent cold weather does not dry out my skin. She has addressed my physical desires more in the last week than in the last month. When I made a mean-spirited comment, she called me out, and then it was over; we were fine again. She seems happy to see me at the end of the day, and to spend time with me. Her holiday plans do not include time with her oldest DD who I believe is toxic for her to be around. No plan to visit with her parents either. The holidays will be our DSs, my parents and us. She is leaving her phone lying around unattended and is not deleting texts. She hugged me and told me she loved me when she got home last night.

So now, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I get anxiety that things are going well.

No longer can I (pre-dday) sit back and wallow in self-pity that nothing I do is good enough, I am a failure. No longer can I (post dday) strap on my righteous indignation and lay the blame for our issues at her adulteress feet. No, now I have to accept that I have responsibility for nurturing and maintaining our relationship. I have responsibility.

I have to re-read Tryn’s notes and drop my curiosity and morbid fascination with her time with the OM. I still want to know what they said, I still want to know details of what they did, and I still want to understand. I know there is nothing rational to understand, and I suspect I know enough. Would it matter if she were with them twice as many times as she said? So what if she thought they were wonderful lovers, if they were better endowed, if they did things she will never do with me? So what if she pined for when she could be free of me and with one of them? That was not the person I am talking to now, and that person was less in touch with her true feelings and reality than this person. Do I sound like I am trying too hard to convince myself?

When I made a mean-spirited comment, she called me out, and then it was over…

As I re-read through this before hitting submit, I think this is the key. Each of us will occasionally get testy and say things less than kind. Last night may have been the first time she ever stood up for herself to me in a calm way, identified the issue, and then set it aside to resume the conversation and relationship. We have not for 20 years (ever) had what would be termed a healthy relationship, but it had become comfortable in its own way. I like the dynamics of where we are going, but it is a little scary.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats...I'm so happy for you. I can identify with the fear of wondering when/if the other shoe will drop. But for now, today, your WW is in a good place. Take it one day at a time.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: most of your post is full of how the op's were better in her eyes...if they were so much better then why is she still with you.....it really is simple....they weren't better....they were not better...keep saying it, they may have been different but by no means were they better.....

not to mention ats that she chose you and is actively choosing you.....even during her bad spells, when the spell passes she chooses you again....

ats: your wife has some serious issues to deal with, and i believe she is doing the best she can...and she is a lucky woman to have you behind her, beside her and lifting her when she cannot carry herself......


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I sound like I am trying too hard to convince myself?


Yeah, you do. I think miracle said it best (as usual) but how about if I answer your questions?

Would it matter if she were with them twice as many times as she said?

No. It also wouldn't matter if it had only been one ONS. she betrayed you. It's binary. I think the difference in LTA is that LTA damages trust more -- in that how can even a perfect execution of the actions a remorseful spouse must take convince an intelligent person that the WS is trustworthy?

So what if she thought they were wonderful lovers

Well, I would hope that she did, but due to her FOO issues I suspect no sex has been that great for her ever. It takes two.

if they were better endowed

Maybe they were. OW apparently spent a lot of time telling WH how he was so much bigger than her BH. Anyway, I keep thinking, either a guy is big enough for you or he's not. If you married him -- he is. Period.

if they did things she will never do with me?

Maybe. I did things with XH I will never do with WH. I did things with XH that would probably be physically impossible to do with WH!
But I do things with WH that I never did with XH either. I don't want to do the same things with different people. Again, a two person system.

So what if she pined for when she could be free of me and with one of them?

This. She's pining to be free of herself. The only true freedom is the path she's taking now -- hammering out her FOO in ic.

Look, it's at least very clear that her A's really are over. You need to get over it and go on with what you've got now (I know, I sound like a WS, but for those of us who are 1+ yrs out you need to get past OW/OM are they better etc. -- your WS is with you. OW/OM is second string, just like they always were.) now, it's time to focus on now. I get mad still -- but I'm more mad about now stuff.

In totally awesome news:
Baby Paddy's portrait with Santa is featured in the paper!!!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m not done digging, but here are my thoughts. But first, many many thanks to all of you who shared your responses to my WH’s four “needs” to be VALUED. He still can’t remember his fifth need. He has not brought up any of the needs (his or mine) at all, though I saw him remember and act on one of mine… which are the lowest risk needs I have (the ones that show the least bit of my underbelly, if you will) and all have to do with being HEARD.

My own response, when we went over his list, was of the “whaddya kidding me?” variety. I immediately agreed with Allgood that this was incredibly narrow in focus and I resented that while I was really thinking about what I needed from my marriage and my husband, that he SEEMED to just jot a couple of things down without giving much thought to it at all. This thought seemed to be proven when he could only give me examples of one type (hobbies). In addition, I worried that he wants to mimic his parents’ (dysfunctional) relationship in the way his father decides what they will do, based on his father’s likes and desires, and his mother plays the go-along girl while sacrificing her own likes and desires. This breeds resentment, which is coming out now that his mother has been diagnosed with early-to-midset Alzheimer’s and is beginning (finally) to react with honest emotions instead of with a big, fake smile. I do not want to play yes-dear-whatever-you-want. I have done that in the past and it is disrespectful to myself and toxic to my relationships. I am not willing to consistently put my own needs, likes, desires behind anyone else’s, not even to save my marriage.

Miracle posited that he is asking for me to be involved with his life. Spot on, lady. What I fear is that he does not want to return the favor and become involved in my life. I fear that unless I put my foot down and stand strong, that I would just become Mrs. Mr. Nell with no personal identity outside of Mr. Nell. I’m afraid of repeating his mother’s mistakes. Mostly because I have done this in the past, as I said, and I really despised myself for it.

FNF brought up WH’s struggles with motivation to work on the marriage. I think WH would tell you and believe himself that he IS working on the M. He’s now present, active in/with the home and family, loving toward me. What he struggles with is accepting that his A affected me, our relationship and our children, and working to fix those things. Because of his problems accepting fault (perfectionism) and guilt (FOO). He wants me to “go back” to being myself. He wants our M to “go back” to what is used to be. He wants me to accept what he’s doing now and “wipe the slate clean.” He desperately wants to sweep all this under the rug and just be A Good Husband and have A Great Marriage.

ats, I appreciate your insights into the “male psyche” and your comments about WS insecurities. Everything you said makes sense. He wants me to assure him that he is a wonderful person instead of being/accepting himself as a wonderful person. He wants me to fix it without recognizing that it’s really broken, and that he’s the only one who can get the tools. Meanwhile, you quoted my own words and I’d like to poke you in the eyeballs for that (haha)… “I figure the A was a deal breaker and I’m negotiating a new marriage contract here.” I need to be proactive and not cower in fear about the consequences of standing up for myself. Scary stuff.

The rest is a response of tryn’s many wise words and I’m going to post in another window as this is already too damn long.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn, I cannot control what WH does or does not do. True. He needs to commit to doing all that is needed… true but. He’s doing ENOUGH, saying ENOUGH to squeak by, but that builds resentment in me. (Again with the resentment.) And makes me afraid that if this is the best he can do… well… uh-oh. I don’t think (not on any level, gut or otherwise) that he’s on the verge of leaving me. I think if this M dissolves it will be because of my decisions and actions.

Forgiveness. This will actually be my WH’s third chance, but that’s neither here nor there except for the effect it has on the total annihilation of my trust. WH is starting from less than zero based on his continuing his A after DDay #1. I no longer believe him at all. Regardless, though, I am doing everything on your “forgiveness checklist” (with varying success) except making the choice to forgive. I’m poking at that one but not ready to heft it yet. (I’m afraid to forgive him, and why the hell should I forgive him when he destroyed me and hasn’t earned my forgiveness yet?!)

My own boundaries… I have them. But being able to communicate my needs and boundaries is SCARY. That, to me, is flipping over to show my vulnerable underbelly and asking the guy with the big knife to gut me or not.

Communicating to each other. WH does not communicate well. Or, he does not communicate well with me. I feel I do a good job, and WH is very open (about everything except his A and other things he is ashamed of) and always have been. He says he feels safe and comfortable with me and that I have always been there for him and supported him. I cannot say the same about him. Hence my being scared to be vulnerable. It’s scary to not know if you’re going to be helped or murdered. I feel that I am obligated to be vulnerable but it is so freaking scary that I’m crying as I type this. Anyhoo.

I know WH’s affair for what it was. I know his AP for what she was. I know WH for what he was in his A. I know where I failed myself. Does that matter though… if WH does not recognize it for what it was? Isn’t his blindness creating a walking time bomb for our M? I keep fearing “it’s only a matter of time…” He has written down some boundaries, but (a) his words and actions do not always match and (b) unless the next AP is an exact replica of this one, I don’t know that WH will see the different boundaries being crossed until it’s too late. (Fear again.)

I need to get over myself, conquer my own fear and resentment. I need to stop the defeatist “I already made myself desirable, gave him 100 percent, gave him a second chance and he went ahead and had his A anyway” thinking. And just do it again.

You will be happy to know that I am about to leave this site in order to send an e-mail to the Retrovaille contacts in my area. (There’s no weekend planned.)

Peace out, my friends. I've exhausted myself. Going home soon to walk the dog and have some tea with honey to soothe my sore throat.

- Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

That is good news that your W is doing such a good job. I understand your uneasy feelings about all of this. I did like the part that she stood up for herself in a calm way and then set it all aside. I wish my W would do more of that.

I had "the other shoe drop" pretty hard on me last night. Not A related, just much stress. I had nothing to do with the stress but ended up getting run over by the bus anyway. Maybe she will see the error of her actions and make it up to me this weekend.

m3.

I seem to remember that your H has a history with this violent and threatning behavior. He really needs help. Take care. Yay for Baby Paddy and Santa.

Tribe. I have been busier than a one legged man at a ass kicking contest. Way up to my ass in gators. I have been trying to keep up with everybody but have not been able to post much. It was good to see the masterposter tryn, show up with his helpful charts and pictures.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i gots zero time but needed to respond to you nell on just one point

telling him what you want from your marriage or him...i think you are scared to death that he won't step up to meet them.....and then you will be faced with a what do i do now decision.....

one question: are you happy this way?....i think not..so face that fear...before you give him your list, work it out in your head and in your heart all of his possible responses and form a plan for each....so that if your worst fears are realized you at least have a plan....and you won't be in this horrible limbo anymore....

i think going to retrovaille would be a great help to you in actually carrying this out....

retrovaille is all about mutual communication....

and at the very least you would know that you tried and gave it your all....and at the very best...you will have your marriage not back but where it should have been all along....go for it...

gotta go...pfm will be back any second with scrawny boy...we are going to dinner for his birthday....would rather go to the gym....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, December 10th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think you are scared to death

True. Very, very true. I am scared to death. I am standing at the edge of a cliff, and underneath me are clouds. I have to jump, but I have no idea whether I'll crash into the craggy rocks of my death or fall into the arms of my savior on the other side. So I am standing here, afraid.

I hate this.

Okay. Next step is Retrovaille. The information request e-mail is sent. I can hang out here on the ledge until the Retrov. people e-mail back and not feel like I have the responsibility to grab my children by the hands and jump.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, December 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: You are in my prayers about those alligators. Hang in there!!

Ats: you and WW are in new territory, and anything new is scary. You said your M was far from healthy before, but it seems that you guys have new tools for a healtier relationship, but it just feels unfamiliar, but it sound good!
No matter what will happen in the end, you guys are doing good and helping each other. You have given yourself time markers in the past, and it was well worth it. Give yourself another and see how it goes. Bottom line, Ats, Do you feel happier and more hopeful now? ( I truly understand the feeling about "the other shoe dropping"....it's like I never allowed myself to be happy, or at least enjoy the happy times in fear of the bad that seemed to inevitably would come...but I was soooo wrong to be that way)

Nell: I reread your profile. You have just come out of a new dday and the pain is still all so fresh and new. I truly understand the feeling that you want the pain to be over, You want so desperately to find an answer to fix this problem and make it all go away. We have all been there.
Retro, is a good idea no matter what. It seems like a good way to learn good communication skills.

All of this is a long painful process. Very long and very painful. Keep trudging along. All of these wonderful people here on LTA have helped me along. Keep posting, keep trying as much as possible moving ahead, even if you are only planning on moving ahead and aren't able to yet. An LTA is a huge thing to deal with. Give yourself time to process. I wish there was a magic spell to make it all go away, but there isn't. It's work.

M3: Congrats on Baby Paddy. God bless her!! It's so funny, but I think most of us will agree, that we feel we are "adopted" aunts and uncles for that beautiful baby. Give her hugs from all of us!!

WH will be coming home on Monday. I seriously do not want him to come. With the help of you here at the tribe, my crazy and lovable neighbor and my therapist, I've made a decision that since I've been "pretending" all along, I will "pretend" one more time for the holidays and to give myself more time to gather up the ducks and:
seven swans a swimming
six geese alaying
4 calling birds
3 French hens
2 turtle doves
and a patridge in a pear tree

I threw out the five golden rings!

I am depressed in a different way now. Before I was devastated, tramautized, paralyzed. Now, I'm mourning and grieving, but starting to be able to think more forward. All along I've known what I needed to do, but just couldn't do it. I'm actually starting to do some things, like making photocopies. But that in itself is hard. It's hard to make photocopies of the OC's birth certificates and their pictures. KWIM? I'm trying to compartmentalize, but I'm not made of the same stuff as a WS. I realize that I'm better. No matter how much FOO issues I've had to deal with in my life time, I've still kept MY moral compass, and tried to do what is right to the best of my ability.

The main thing I am realizing through this very painful journey is that I didn't do what they always tell you to do on the airplane: put the air mask on your self first before you help others. I lost myself along the way. There is a balance between being selfish and just plain taking care of yourself in a good way. That is the essence of the 180. I have to stop being a martyr and sacrificing myself and just plain help myself and then help others without taking over for them. I am a good teacher....teach and lead, but not DO. If only I can really apply this.

I know I sound stronger. In many ways I am. But please pray for me. Please pray that I don't get reeled in by the charming Mr. Dishonest when he comes. He's not even Mr. Dishonest anymore. Don't know if he ever was. He was never really mine or ever really committed to me. There is so much to reconcile in my head and heart.

Thank you for listening. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all.


{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, December 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
It sounds like you have a very solid plan for the holidays and for dealing with the return of Mr. Dishonest.
Keep getting those ducks in a row. Make copies of any and all paperwork. Anything that will be proof of his financial holdings and his expenditures (especially for his OC and the OW).
Sounds like you have a good therapist and good friends.
My prayers are with you!
PM coming your way also.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, December 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Tribe!

Dip:

I have been busier than a one legged man at a ass kicking contest

That sounds VERY busy indeed. I wish you well. (I LOVE this saying. It's really too bad that these sayings of yours are not very-NYable. I will try to use some of your phrases nonetheless...)

Honest:

Good job! And, you will remain in my thoughts while Mr. Dishonest is in town. And, remember, No means No!

M3: Congrats on Baby Paddy. God bless her!! It's so funny, but I think most of us will agree, that we feel we are "adopted" aunts and uncles for that beautiful baby. Give her hugs from all of us!!

Yes - I do feel like Baby Paddy is my adopted niece or something. That's great that her photo was in the paper. I hope you are ok M3.

Peace to all - gots to go...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Thank you. Not NYable? Are you saying that in NY there are no ass kicking contests or that there are not any one legged men there?

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, December 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning Tribe:

honesttoafault, I am glad you have a plan for the holidays, but still I know you will not be comfortable and they will not be as rejuvenating for you as they should be. Holidays to me are a time for friends and family, unfortunately you will be hosting and interacting with a person who is neither. Thank you for reminding me that time goals have served me well in the past. You are right, they did. Our relationship always looks more hopeful looking back over a couple months or more than it sometimes feels week to week.

ImNellNow:

My own boundaries… I have them. But being able to communicate my needs and boundaries is SCARY. That, to me, is flipping over to show my vulnerable underbelly and asking the guy with the big knife to gut me or not.

I understand, and can appreciate how you feel. I too spent much of my life uncomfortable asking for what I wanted. I felt it made me seem weak or needy. In retrospect, being uncomfortable asking for what we each needed or wanted, and negotiating that out, is one of the core issues that created the environment for FWW's LTA's. We are both learning to express our needs and wants to each other. We now are getting better at expressing what we need. I told FWW I cannot be around her and her oldest DD, their relationship is toxic. FWW is not having DD visit our house at X-mas. She may go visit DD for lunch out while the DSs and I visit with my parents after the holiday. BTW, "guy with the big knife" is a little Freudian, but I gess better than the guy with the paring knife.

old_dipstick, sorry that you were again the whipping post for your W's issues with her stress. I feel fortunate that FWW has identified this issue in herself and continues to work on it. I appreciate all of the support and understanding that you have provided to me as I have begun to understand the immensity of some of FWW's issues she is working on.

iwam and m334455, thank you for the feedback and comments. You both helped me to take a step back and look at the larger picture. I know it was not the OM making her happy, just what he represented. And in reality, she was not happy with them either.

FWW talked some last night. I asked her directly about my perception that there are details related to her A that I would consider significant and that she is withholding. It has been my perception that this is the case and that she has agreed in the past. She says no. There are details of the things they did or regular activities they would participate in (like meeting for breakfast where she liked the scones), but nothing that would significantly alter the depth or breadth of her involvement with any of the OM. She again denied any physical involvement with BIL, but I told her that at least for now I presume that they did, and I am trying to see if I can move forward with that. I told her that I did not believe that she could tell me if she had been PA with him, that in the past she said she would not have told me about the phone sex and texting with him if I had not had proof.

We talked for a while about her BIL and sister. He is the only remaining OM that I can still easily stir up internal anger towards. The other OM had not reason to think of me, and two of them were not married. FWW presented herself as available and planning to leave me, and they went after her. The last OM was a serial cheater who hit on women in the not for profit agencies he was on the boards of, and his own employees. A pathetic man looking for affirmation. BIL on the other hand knows me, and did what he did with his wife's sister. What a sick f*ck.

I am waiting for the house to wake up. The dogs have been out, and I made coffee, biscuits and country ham for breakfast. DS had friends over for a late movie night, and FWW is catching up on sleep as she usually does on weekends.

Thank you Tribe and have a good weekend. I would not be here (in this house) without the support and guidance you have provided.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 11th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: something occured as i read your post...i think when you ask her for details you need to let her know that it is safe to do so....if she thinks telling you would be a dealbreaker then of course she will not tell you, kwim....reassure her that although the info when first told will make you angry and hurt that it will subside and that you will appreciate what it took for her to be forthright, let her know that if you are angry it will pass...that finding out through her as opposed to another is what makes the difference in your reaction, and more importantly your recovery....which means it will be better for both of you....

she needs to know that she is safe in telling you anything.....

as for settling or not asking for needs...not i...i asked and didn't receive....pfm was completely passive aggressive...would yes me to death, and never follow through.....you sometimes just get tired of asking....it becomes believing when seeing....


dip: this is ny, we have it all.....we just speak it differently i think....


honest: small reality check...pretending does not mean that YOU HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO....REMEMBER THAT....AS ALLGOOD SAID.....NO MEANS NO

how long is he staying and can we speed up the departure any????


i also think you should make plans and go places when he is in, make lots of plans so that you don't have to be home with him...avoidance can be your freind....


m3: i know you have alot on your plate, 4 kids, you work full time, not to mention your kids are all young and need so many different things from you sometimes at the same time.....but i am hoping that you are formulating some kind of plan for your future....because i am hoping that you are not settling for less....because you don't have too....there is still so much life out there.....scary as it may feel sometimes, is as wonderful as it is....don't settle....it will be a regret, of that i am sure....your kids are young and resillient....don't wait til they are older...it will only be harder then....do what you have to do now....

time to find out all your options...then at the very least give him some boundaries and some dealbreakers......abuse at any level needs to be a dealbreaker for you and your kids....

today my dd had to work, so it was my 2 boys and one of their friends here making xmas cookies....we got half done...tomorrow is dd's turn with 3 of her friends and my niece.....a house full of kids baking cookies...it makes me happy and sad....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: Why do cookies make you sad? I know there must be a deeper meaning to this since I believe you have no problem drinking dessert like drinks...

Honest: Please check in so we can remind you to treat Mr. Dishonest with the level of courtesies he deserves.

And..... where are y'all? I'm getting lonely!

My thought for the day:
In response to my telling my H that he should really start implementing the things he learns in therapy, which for example was to start showing me more attention, he told me that it's hard to show me that he loves me/tell me he loves me when he is "always met with anger".
Now, this is not true. I'd say it's 100% true that I'm depressed or neutral most of the time, but I'm not angry all the time. AND, I'm certainly not exhibiting anger in response to any attempt he might make to show me attention.
In any event, I think it's a valid point to say that it's hard for him to do that when I don't seem receptive to it. Now, most of me wants to say who gives a shit, do it anyway. Get over the fact that I'm not automatically your #1 fan anymore and do something to win me back. But the small voice in my head (which I usually attribute to our MC, Miracle or Tryn) says I could do something about that.
So - have any of you been able to successfully make your spouse think you like being with them when you really want to rip their head off? I realize the better course of action would be to try to push the A to the back burner and actually enjoy your spouse, but I seriously do not know how to accomplish this.
Any tips?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

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