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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I'm sorry you were feeling mixed emotions baking the cookies. The holidays evoke so many happy and sad emotions at the same time. {{{{{Miracle}}}}}}}}}}

Allgood: I know it's so hard to pretend when we are feeling such a deep hurt, but that's the only thing I can suggest. Give yourself a holiday present and just pretend all is ok for now. Try it as an experiment. Try doing something kind to WH and smile at him more. From what you are saying, he is probably afraid to make an overture to you because he is unsure of your reaction. He doesn't know if you'll be receptive, so he is doing little or nothing. I am not saying to rug sweep forever, but try it for the holidays and give yourself a break. You cannot control WH, but you can control yourself.

Mr. Dishonest is supposed to come tomorrow and thank God he has his friend picking him up. He hadn't called in a couple of days and just called now. Wasn't on the phone for long.

I'm just so sad. Trying to get out of the "bah humbug" feeling!!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long term EA...to PA...I just found out the details after catching him having an online facebook sexual conversation with a different woman than the EA. I also found a secret email address where he was emailing the OW who he has allowed to interfere with our dating and marriage. He has said repeatedly he will not talk to her, then here we are again. So he fessed up that the EA was actually a PA when we were dating, returned to "just friends" after we were engaged 4 yrs ago...and no inappropriate contact since. But secret emails, daily phone calls, two lunches and she also brought lunch to his work - all within the last 6 months. Yep that is what I do with my friends...hide them.

I am over 1300 miles away, he was supposed to move here and has taken his time doing what he needs to do, now I know the true reason. He drove up here after I told him not too. The first day he would do anything to save the marriage. The second day he was trying to negotiate weekly contact with her via facebook and a phone call. Day three...on the fence emotionally, saying he wants to only be with me. I am quite emotionally numb after five days. I cried briefly once. Part of me just does not care anymore. The other part...just wants him to be who he presented he was, but I know he is not that man. Thanks for letting me rant!


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your pain Mitz. Welcome to our little corner of SI. There are a lot of wonderful people here.

How long have you been married and how long has the A been going on? Do you have any kids? Just asking so I can give my best advice.

Come here as often as you need to vent. It's often quiet here on the weekend, although for some reason, the LTA house has been unusually quiet this weekend.

I hope everyone is out doing something fun and getting ready for the holidays.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, December 12th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

i am sad because i feel very melancholy about all of it, the entire holiday feels marred and scarred.....i should be in my glory doing what i absolutely love, spending time with my kids in my beautiful kitchen baking......but a part of me is shut down...this is the part that is hard, allowing him to stay puts me in a bad place emotionally...my kids don't see it, i have gotten really good at pretending....part of it was easier because he was out most of both days...so that added tension was not here....but in my head was the thought...he will be here soon.....i hate when he is home...there was a time that i wanted him home....that ended of course, and i have to admit that part ended about a year, maybe a bit more then that before d-day because of the monster he was becomming....now i just wish he were gone permamently....but no use wishing for what cannot be,,,,this is my choice afterall.,....so dealing with it i must do...

hints on pretending...i just do...every single day...if it helps imagine your kids being there in the room with you or listening from the next room....knowing those ears will be privvy might help...


honest: you could do this....i hope for the last time....and remember, the word NO is so allowed...so use it frequently...

mitz:

welcome to our corner of si....rant as much as you need, as often as you need...i could honestly say for all of us here, been there done that and will do it again i am sure...

cookies today was exhausting in a really good way...we made so many cookies...i think the brightest spot of all was watching my dd with her freinds, she was doing with them what i had and still do with my kids....she was mentoring with a smile on her face....she was happy teaching her friends how to do whatever cookie they were doing....she really is a mini me....but watching her enjoying it was so so cool...

my boys stuck with the cookies both days from beginning to end....also enjoying themselves...loved watching them all busy in the kitchen...loving my kitchen with all of them baking at the same time....and plenty of room for all....was very cool....and it was nice too that pfm didn't come home til almost the very end...so it was peaceful...not too mucy tension...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Mitz.

Miracle: I understand now. It's so nice to hear that you are still able to do family activities with kids the ages of your and everyone enjoys it. That is so rare. You did a good job.

Update on me: my H believes that I despise him. (This is a clarification of the statement he made the other day - that he is met with anger all the time.)
Not far from the truth; however, I still have feelings for him.
I guess I will try to fake it til I make it. AFter my little reminder to him about what he learned in therapy, he has kept up at it so far (2 days & counting, lol), so I guess I need to do my part too.

Miracle: I am worried about you alone in the house all day with all of those cookies. If it was me, they would be gone before the kids came home from school & I'd have to tell them we were burglarized or something... Lol. But, you have more will power than me.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have any of you been able to successfully make your spouse think you like being with them when you really want to rip their head off?

I'm going to give this a shot since I believe our husband's are brothers!!!

I have noticed that when I am kind, my H responds positively. It's so hard for me though because I have some serious pent up anger. But when I pay attention to him and make him feel like I "like him", he seems to come around. If I can only keep this up....I'm having a hard time with this right now.

For the last 6 weeks or so, I've been horrible to live with. So much so that my H had a complete melt down over the weekend. He couldn't stop crying. He cried for 2 hours. It scared me. And my H does not show or talk about emotions. (he still hasn't talked about the meltdown) And He never cries. He didn't even cry when his parents died and they died 2 days apart. So this is what I am trying to deal with.

So Allgood, do it as an experiment. Be kind, loving, smile and see what happens. And then let me know. It just may work in your favor. Try to put the A in the background for a week, and when you talk, talk about just the two of you. (I'm trying to do this in written form, the talk thing doesn't cut it for him). Let me know how it goes.

Hope I made sense...I'm horrible at writing my thoughts.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood i think fun gave you some good advice and she wrote it very well....

and i could also understand where he is coming from feeling like you despise him....in a really big way that is exactly what you portray to him....lots and lots of anger...here is where mc will help him understand that you need to go through this anger phase, and beneath all that anger is heaps and heaps of hurt.....and right now im bettin he is feeling like he is serving a life sentence....and thats not good either, his perception will hopefully change with mc help.....and i think if you told him pretty much what you wrote that you do have lots of anger but you also have other feelings for him too....try to explain that for now your anger is center stage as it needs to be...so that you can get it out of your system and not bury it to come up again and again in the future when you 2 are back on track....and that you don't want to be angry at him anymore then he does....it might help a tiny tiny bit.....

fun: lots and lots of crying sound alot like depression....thats not a good thing...the last thing either of you need is depression on his part....see if you can get him to his dr, he may need to go on some meds for a while....even if its just some xanax for a week....


It's so nice to hear that you are still able to do family activities with kids the ages of your and everyone enjoys it. That is so rare. You did a good job.

thank you allgood, this was good to hear...the good job part...lately i feel as though i have failed them, i have not been the mother i was.....it is so so hard sometimes to pretend.....but i do have to say that it is finally getting easier these days....and some times the faking it becomes real...especially when pfm is not around, which is really good because it means that i will be more then fine when the end is finally here....and i really don't want to rush it because then that means my kids are done here and i don't want to rush that...they already seem so grown up..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 8:17 AM, December 13th (Monday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mitz.

Welcome. You can get some good advice here.

miracle.

I agree. Good job. One problem. Now I want cookies! I guess I better fire up the grill and make some.

nofun.

Yes, you made sense. You are not nearly as horrible at writing your thoughts as I am. I think I win first place in that division.

ats.

Thanks. It is all so complicated to deal with.

Are you staying warm down there? I cooked out yesterday evening. Wind chill around zero. I think this sort of behavior may scare my W just a little.

Allgood.

Honest is right. He probably is afraid that what ever he does or says is wrong.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G'day Tribe,

mitz66, welcome to our corner of SI. Feel free to rant away.

allgoodnamesgone, I see a chicken/egg issue in your sich. You want Mr. allgood to man up and start owning his crap and doing his part to re-build the M. He wants to have assurances that he will not make painful efforts for naught, that he is accepted. You are mad because he has hurt you and you, and with him unwilling to be vulnerable, apologetic, and openly remorseful, it comes out as anger. Your anger reminds him of his terrible and selfish actions, and erodes at his already struggling sense of self-worth.

I have noticed that when I am kind, my H responds positively. It's so hard for me though because I have some serious pent up anger. But when I pay attention to him and make him feel like I "like him", he seems to come around. If I can only keep this up....I'm having a hard time with this right now.

Nofun and allgoodnamesgone, I am not sure about the advice to fake it until you make it in your situations, and I am going to go out on a limb here with my opinion. At some point, you and your spouses need to be open and emotionally intimate with each other as to how you feel and what you need. If you fake it for a few weeks/months, and then want to go back to hashing things out, your FWS may feel tricked, sort of a BS TT.(?)

A bit of an analogy, I sometimes have employees who say they will do more or better work if the organization pays him (usually these are males) more or promotes them. I tell these employees that it does not work that way. If you want a shot at more money or a promotion, do a better or bigger job. Take on new duties, become more valuable, and then you MAY get the raise or promotion. If not, you are in a better position to be hired by an organization that values the new skill you have developed, or at worse you may be in a better place to avoid a layoff in a downturn cycle. So, I see your FWSs wanting the raise or promotion before he puts in the work. If you forgive and forget (at least quit mentioning the A), then he will put in the effort to change himself. Just my thoughts...

Interestingly, my situation sometimes seems to be different, more of a chase/be chased relationship. The more I withdrawal (as in 180) from FWW, the more she comes my way in trying to anticipate and meet my needs. The nicer and more forgiving I become, the more comfortable she is putting me on the back burner. The concern I have now is that while I am comfortable withdrawing, it is not helpful for my R. We have done the best when we have explained honestly to each other how we are feeling. She is not always happy to hear this, and sometimes responds with her own withdrawal, but historically we have done best when each of us is honest with the other about how we are feeling.

old dipstick no, it is not warm. It is in the 50s and headed lower. We are freezing (and may literally tonight). I was supposed to take a group to the keys for scuba training Sunday - Tuesday, but with the 30 35 mph winds and low temperature that got cancelled. It is not often my employer provides and all expense paid trip to the keys, so I am a little pod at having to cancel it. OTOH, our gardens are enjoying the cooler temperatures and the rain. The lettuce and spinach especially are growing like weeds.

Changing topics, on the home front DS is home from college now for break. He is acting just as entitled as ever, but I see big change in FWWs response. Rather than make excuses for him and enable his behavior, she is frustrated and yelling at him. Now I know yelling is not much good, but it is a start. We are both talking about how to provide a safety net for both DSs while letting logical consequences provide some hard knock education. It is a shame that I allowed this situation to endure so long as I did while the boys were younger, but at least we are both working together now to instill some responsibility.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THank you everyone for your feedback.

Ats: I agree with your analysis. We both went to MC last week and we are going back next week. I am hoping that helps. I have to admit, I've definitely given him plenty of reason to worry that I'm not going to stay married to him. I haven't done it in a mean way (on purpose, at least), but I guess I haven't given him any assurances and that is hurtful in it's own way. (I have to say, however, that I was far more committed to my M in the 1st 6 months of R, before I realized he was still lying to me about his whereabouts, etc. So, I am definitely hesitant to make him feel that comfortable again.)
Ok, seriously, if I could just have his balls when he went to work, I think this would work out a lot better.

(Sorry Dip & Ats...)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
I had a nice weekend with WH... put my big-girl panties on and just accepted having a good time and accepted WH's overtures to give affection. I feel like I gave 20 percent more than I usually do and got 200 percent more back from WH. Those are good returns, right? He really needed to see that I would allow him back in the fold, I guess, and little tiny nice things that I did (loving touch, saying "you're so sweet" about something he offered to do for me, and setting aside time to spend together watching a movie) meant a great deal to him. And the fact that it means a great deal to him means a great deal to me.

In the grand scheme of things, this is very small, but it made for a nice weekend.

In other news, there is no Retrovaille scheduled in my state until possibly this fall. Humph.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, seriously, if I could just have his balls when he went to work, I think this would work out a lot better.

Actually, Mr. allgoodnamesgone needs his balls. He was being a ball-less wonder when rather than work with you to meet his needs in the M he went outside. Lying, hiding, and sneaking around are not manly acts. They do not take courage or strength. I hope that with his balls in place he can identify and speak his feelings without being afraid. The coward becomes the WS, not the brave or strong.

I just had a quintessential FWW experience. She wanted to surprise me with reservations for NYE weekend at a hotel on the beach where we can tie-up the boat. She made the reservation on her debit card, and did not realize they would bill the two nights and fees immediately (typical for in-season stays) and there is a 30 day cancellation clause, so she could not cancel the reservation. When I moved out, I opened up an account she cannot get to where I keep money from my income not used to pay the bills, so she had to call me to transfer money to cover it. A loving gesture, but without planning for all of the consequences.

As we got the money issue resolved, FWW acknowledged that I have mentioned my dislike for this hotel. We stayed there when visiting the area prior to my accepting my current job. Soon after dday, she had blamed her As on hating where we live now, and I wondered if she would not have acted out in such a way if we had not moved. She was clear this morning that her acting out was from her issues, not our moving her or my new job. This morning she said the way she was and felt inside at that timne she would have done the same thing in our former town. The fact is, she had already had an EA with 2 ONS with a co-worker in that town. I found out about this after dday. She wants this weekend to be a reward for how hard we have been working on our relationship this last year, and to symbolizing a new start for us in this town. I just hope it warms up by then.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:46 AM, December 13th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: You have given great advice to Nofun and Allgood. I like the point of view you presented.

Dip:

I agree. Good job. One problem. Now I want cookies! I guess I better fire up the grill and make some.

That really made me laugh!!! It's a LTA "inside joke" about all the grilling and it just made me feel good.

I'm just sitting here being anxious waiting for WH to get home. He called from the airport and spoke to DS12. I was upstairs and DS12 tells WH that he doesn't know where I am! lol. But, WH hasn't called back, the POS. You know, it's just common courtesy for God's sake.

Please keep me in your prayers that I don't get an anxiety attack or something.

I better go. DS 12 is going around the house lighting all the Christmas candles for his father. He is waiting impatiently for him. God damn WH!!!!! Weren't these beautiful boys enough for him??????
I better stop getting myself mad, and just stay calm. I have to stay calm and have control over myself and not allow him to control me.

Thank you all my angels!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I noticed Laura has not posted lately... I hope everything is okay. Has anyone heard any news?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She read my PM yesterday but no reply.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((honest)))...i am praying for you to have a peaceful holiday dear heart...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((honesttoafault)), so sorry you have to deal with Mr. DH.

I'm just sitting here being anxious waiting for WH to get home.

It is probably too late tonight, but what would you have been doing if Mr. DH was not coming tonight? Could you just do that? Make it life as usual for you, he is not family, or even a guest, just a boarder.

I better go. DS 12 is going around the house lighting all the Christmas candles for his father. He is waiting impatiently for him.

Funny how kids accept whatever their situation is as normal.

I had a great evening tonight; I am falling in love with my wife.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evening all

I have noticed that when I am kind, my H responds positively. It's so hard for me though because I have some serious pent up anger. But when I pay attention to him and make him feel like I "like him", he seems to come around. If I can only keep this up....I'm having a hard time with this right now.

Could have written this myself.

Had a very hard time decorating the tree - I really didn't want to at all. I asked spouse to help me in the hopes that it would make a "new" memory for us and not a sad reminder for me. I am flip flopping between "anger stage" and "plain of lethal flatness". I suspect the plain is really a place I go because I am unused to feeling such anger. I am still just majorly pissed. Why can't I look to the future instead of dwelling on what I can't change??

Wait a minute - did some one mention cookies??


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, December 13th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. I realized that I might be portraying it as if WH will be a nasty, yelling and screaming maniac. On the contrary, he is a charming snake. He acts all sweet and nice and I always end up falling in the trap and get a thread of false hope.

I have to rewrite my list and keep rereading it while he's here.

Ats: I'm so happy for you. That is a wonderful Christmas present.

Miracle: you better save some cookies for me!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
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