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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I'm praying for you.

Laura - where oh where are you? Please check in.

Miracle - you are simply the best mom....don't ever feel otherwise. Your kids are so lucky to have you. They grow so fast and some day they will fly out of their nest and be on their own. It goes by so fast. My H was not very involved with his kids. He was never there for them, he was too busy with "other things." Now that my kids are adults they tell me all the time how much they love me and they wouldn't know where they would be or what they would have done without me. Your kids will say the same thing.

Welcome Mitz...


Hugs to the tribe....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atsenaotie…

My message to you today...

I think your W fully understands what a marriage is about today. Just by exposure, her going to MC, her discussing stuff with you, it sounds like she is ready for a new life… a changed life. I don’t believe she will stray again.

You can make a decision today. It will not matter if the other shoe drops. If the other shoe drops, it will be what it is to be. You will find a new way of life if that happens and seek a different way of being happy. You’re ability to get to where you are today.. you should view it as something not many can do. You ats, have brain strength not many have… I can tell you have the ability to forgive. Your W may or may not know how lucky she is to have someone with your strength, but it really does not matter what she knows or does not know. You are who you are.

In all relationships, one person always loves the other in a greater way. What really matters is that you are happy. Look at yourself. You have the ability now effectively tell your wife what makes you feel so good. Look at what she has done! She loves you in return. Now go and always reinforce, give affirmation, to your W. Affirm those feelings to your W… Ms ats, having breakfast made me feel pride, good, happy… Like a kid opening a Christmas present. Your rubbing my back placed me to a point of deep relaxation… it made me think how lucky I am to have such a wonderful woman today.

And never be afraid to tell your W what you need in that way that will make you happy. Do everything in your own power to make your marriage reach the awakening. It’s Ok.. and you will go back in time thinking about the betrayal, the hurt, re-visit pain. It’s stuck in your hippocampus.. and It’s ok to live you past and feel those feelings. Feelings are what they are… you can find some way to re-channel those in a positive way to let you W know you love her… these thoughts fade quickly. I too think about the betrayal and I cry about it. I have the ability today when they come up to shift those by just making a phone call or texting, making a love deposit into the bucket… I make the deposit to my kids, my parents, my friends and most often to my W. If you can now take those negative feelings when they happen and do something totally opposite… shift those to love… when those inner thoughts of negativity happen… Not always, but I can often do things by loving someone else…. Love can be in so many forms… It can be in touch, gifts, affirmation, service…

Let’s face the fact... marriage is a challenge for all. It takes effort even when you don’t want to give the effort.

Ats.. you might be ready. Maybe you can offer your W some security… re-commitment. Remember, forgiveness is about never making her feel guilty again, let her feel good about herself, do not allow her to have fear, KEEP it up every day. You can tell her you now pardon her. You are going to work on making this history viewed as just a bad point you your relationship, no need any more to revisit any more topics about betrayal. From today and going forward you will always let her know what you need to be happy, and try hard to do thing to make her feel good and happy. If I slip, know I will dust myself off and try again next time.
Yes you will feel things again about what she did. But life is just not fair to each and every one of us. Some people are born with physical handicaps, some people have their parents die when they are children, some people are fooled into being raped, and some people get cancer. Me and you brother, we had wives that always had that ability to eat the apple… and did in secret to us. Today, we know who we married. People do change and see the hurt they caused. Months and months now you have shown your W your hurt. She doesn’t need to see anymore. From today on, you know you can deal what hurt you and do it outside letting her know about it. You have a boat you can launch, take it at full speed into the wind and waves… straight into the blue flash sunset… You have a great job.. a nice home… good kids… and us. Now you have a wife that understands what it means to be married.

See, I can read you post and understand where you are at. I walk the path in front of you. I am your boat and you are the skier.

You will never be able to control your W should she decide to cheat on you again. It will happen no matter how hard to attempt to stop it… so no need in ever trying to stop it. All you can do is strongly enforce your own boundaries that will keep you happy. You have made the choice to give you W a second chance… SO do it. Give her every chance to live a happy life too…allow her place this mistake behind her. Take pride in the fact you have that ability to forgive someone when great pain is inflicted on you. Everyone deserves a second chance especially your W who had all those FOO issues. It's up to your W to deal with the choices she made in the past. It appears to me she look at herself in that mirror... she knows right from wrong tosay.

You took all this pain to keep your family together preventing pain of divorce inflicted on others. You know you can live happy moving forward! And you damn well are going to do it with all you can control within your own power.

Peace to you and all today...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:00 AM, December 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.. Cannot write a note of encouragement to you right now... I am glad you decided to look at Retro...

I hope poster let it be me does not mind me saying she sent me a PM a while back saying her and her H are now attending Retro... She thanked me. I think she now understands.

So I quote from her 12/9 post in reconciliation thread..."I can only say it has been one of the greatest blessings in my life and for fWH."

No matter if her H makes it or not, She now has a tool that can take her into any relationship in a deep and more Intimate relationship.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:53 AM, December 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault... You need to work toward independence. That will set you free.. Hope all goes well with your H's visit...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:01 AM, December 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Tribe,

Your words of advice, encouragement, 2x4’s and sharing of your own stories played no small role in our healing. Last night I told FWW that if there is anything more to tell me I would like to hear it from her, and that there is nothing from then that will cause me to leave. She told me I know all that is significant. I then told her that I accept what happened, I understand why it happened, and that I forgive her.

In cannot adequately describe how healing it is to have FWW bring up aspects of her issues and A's, and describe how she is changing. How her thoughts are different. To have her make and briefly hold eye contact with me. To tell me how she is trying to finish a book (Bradshaw) before her next IC session, and what the book is revealing to her. To talk about her discussions with her IC about our early M, the damage she did between her DDs and me, and how someday she may be able to fix that, but for now she first has to fix herself and be a role model to them.

We spent the evening running errands and it was fun and goofy like being on a date. When we got home, she asked for and allowed me to rub her down with warm oil to protect her skin from drying in this cold weather. She was not nervous or distracted, she was in the moment, and she enjoyed the pampering. She almost never has allowed me to serve her like this. When I was done, I tucked her in, thanked her for allowing me to care for her, and she drifted off to sleep.

No, she never snapped into a remorseful about face telling me all and then setting out to heal me. But she did maintain NC from the day after dday on. She has slowly come to identify, own, and work on her issues. I truly believe that somewhere in the last week or two we hit a tipping point. She still has issues to work through. I still can be irritable and snap when I am stressed, but we are helping each other.

Trynhard, you have provided me the benefit of breaking the waves me and allowing me to ride in your wake. You showed me a path that works. You helped me to face the reality of her LTAs.

old dipstick, I appreciate the insights you were able to offer, and the support you provided as I discovered and learned to understand FWW's personality traits.

To all of the wonderful women of LTA, your generous sharing of a feminine perspective on difficult and sensitive issues was of immense help to me in understanding my W.

m334455, the times you would fire up and call me out challenged me, and helped me to reframe and grow emotionally and rationally.

iwam, we have called you the mother hen, but you were always there when I needed someone to listen and to chide me for taking the wrong path. You helped me to figure out what I really needed and felt. You kept me in the game.

honesttoafault, you have been a true and supportive buddy. More than once, I was relieved that you were up late and posting when I was having a bad evening.

allgoodnamesgone, I feel connection with you and felt that we were often struggling with similar issues. I worry that your H's pride will keep him from doing what he needs to heal himself and allow you to find peace.

njgal480, I have a whole shelf of the books you recommended. Reading each of them was profitable, for FWW and me. Thank you.

nofun, I have appreciated you insights as we are similar in having adult rather than younger children. We are really staying for the relationship and spouse, not the children.

forgivenotforget, you more than once posted about a thought or idea that was relevant to the problem I was struggling with at the time. Thank you for thinking about me, my sitchuation, and your help.

Laura28, strongish, deeppurple, ImNellNow, by the time we met I had passed through the worst of my journey, but I have appreciated your support, advice, and just knowing that someone was reading what I wrote and thinking of me.

I really am feeling settled, and no longer fear falling off the path. I expect to slip and get stuck, but given our history I could not expect or want more at this point in my life.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

Congratulations to you and your W. I know you have worked very hard to get to this point. Your W has shown much courage to be able to face all of her issues. It is good that she is working so hard at this. I do not know if my W will ever be able to do that. No doubt about it, communication is a big key to all of this. You can't always be on the same page and without communication being on the same page is very hard to do.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: Glad you are well.

Honest: Stay strong sista!

Got to go.
Peace


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: tread slowly...i do have to say though that this time you seem to be well grounded in your feelings of opitmism......just tread slowly and remember she is a work in progress as are you and this whole mess is a process and its gots lots and lots of highs and lows.....and if you are really lucky the highs will so outweigh the lows....

tread slowly....

and btw your last post sounded alot like "goodbye",....or an acceptance speech....did you get an award??? i do hope its the award and not goodbye....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Sorry I have been out of touch. Thanks for your concern Nell and Fun.

H has been off work for the last 4 days and hovering constantly. He knows I "talk to people" on the internet but not where and gets anxious when I do. I've told him repeatedly that without your help we wouldn't still be together (I'd have kicked his arse to the curb). That the "people" I talk to are helping me through this. But he still seems worried when I'm on here so I avoid being obvious about it. I often am tempted to tell him about SI but at present it is my lifeline and I need to be able to express my feelings honestly without worrying about how he'll react to my posts.

I have also been going nuts at work trying to get things done before Friday (last day). I have tried to read all posts each day but just can't find time to give your posts the considered thought needed to respond.

Know I am thinking of you always and hope to be more communicative next week.

VERY briefly

Fun - HUGS

Honest - thinking of you. Know how hard it will be in coming days - stay strong

Ats - so happy for you

AGNG- I also have reservations about commitment at this time. H is doing so much - trying so hard but the fear stops me from reassurring him.

Dip and Tryn - thanks as always for the wisdom

Miracle you are wise and a wonderful mom

Nell - glad you got a great return for your efforts.

DP - thinking of you and pleased for the tiny improvements in your situation.

BP - I think so many of us share your pain with the Christmas decos and frustration with the anger.

MITZ - welcome - sorry you are here.

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam,

That post was my good-bye to the LTA. I am leaving it in our past. She and I both have additional work to do (all of life is a work in progress), but none of this remaining work is a result of the A. After a couple of recent IC sessions and reflection, it has occurred to me that her A's have not been a big issue for me in quite a while. Yes, I still tend to avoid conflict sometimes, I get snappy when I am feeling overwhelmed, and there are times I feel rejected by her and it bothers me. She still struggles with codependency on my feelings, black or white thinking, advocating for herself, and dealing with her FOO issues as an ACOA and SAb survivor. These are all significant issues for our M, but they are not the result of her A's

As homework for a recent IC session, he told me to make a list of the things I needed from FWW for me to stay in the M and move forward. After a couple of drafts and a review with the IC, I realized there was nothing on the list related to her LTAs. It was all typical M stuff except maybe for her to stay in IC/MC for as long as he and we feel it is productive. She is continuing with IC, and we will alternate weeks with MC starting in January to work on negotiating our needs in the M and continuing work on communication.

So yes, I did win a prize. FWW and I get a do over for the second half of our lives together.

Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - All the best on your new journey.Its so good to hear & gives me hope that one day in the future i can say the same. Keeping sharing the wisdom Bro.

Dip - cookies on the grill!!! WT....

Honest - thinking of you..stay strong


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ShockedandNumb
♀ Member
Member # 30151
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yes, I did win a prize. FWW and I get a do over for the second half of our lives together.

Awesome and a wonderful tribute to marriage. I just hope and pray that many, MANY more have this outcome!


D-Day#1-11/2005--me-8 weeks pregnant
D-Day#2 11/17/2010 same OW-LTA
BS(me)44
WS(him)42 yrs old.
4 daughters/19+ yr marriage
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him....

Posts: 407 | Registered: Nov 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats-
It is never too late to live 'happily ever after'.

I agree with you, I also have a 'do-over' in my marriage and I do believe that this time we will get it right!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good evening Tribe. I've finally caught up on all the posts and there is no way I can comment on all the ones I want to, but a few special notes.....

Ats - I am so, so happy for you! Although I'm a relative newby here in LTA, your posts and advice have been so valuable to me. Please, please try and check in with us occasionally and continue to provide us your perspective. The men are few and far between in this forum and we can use the view from your side of the plate.

Honest - I am thinking about you and hoping that the time is going by quicker and easier than you thought it would when Mr. Honest is there with you. I know that I've found that the pain is easier to put on the back burner than it was even a few weeks ago. (I think it's been 5 whole days since I cried!) Hopefully you are stronger and wiser than last time he was here and you will BE stronger!

As for me....I'm feeling stronger but it's weird that that scares me too! What if I actually get strong enough to end my M? I think about it every day. There is a part of me that will always love FWH but it feels like a part of me died when I found about his A. We are supposed to start seeing a new MC but naturally FWH is out of town the rest of this week and the MC leaves for the holiday next week. I'm trying to not be too annoyed about it, but this is the way my life has been for so long....what I need comes after everything else. When I try to press FWH to make more time for MC he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable, and maybe I am. I'm a big girl, right? What's the rush?? Only my peace of mind at risk here! Some days I'm too tired of this crap to care.

As always....thanks for letting me vent! Hoping tomorrow will be a better day.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, December 14th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: i am happy for you, i still say to tread slowly...not because i think she will be unfaithful, but because the journey you both are embarking upon is long and arduous....and frankly because of her history with you when you get comfy....

i too hope you check in with us like tryn does....but understand if you cannot...sometimes we need to make change to see change....

strong:

What if I actually get strong enough to end my M?

and what if you do...i do not believe that you will end your marriage before you are ready too, unless of course he pushes the wrong buttons....but i really believe that you will know when and if you are ready to do that...

now heres a question for you:

what if you get strong enough to know that you could make it without him but prefer to make it with him?...just because one gets "strong" does not mean that they need to be alone....and hopefully he is making the changes he needs too, and will appreciate who you are becomming....

"it is what it is and it will become what we make it"

man am i saying that a lot, and more then that trying to live it....we all should...


When I try to press FWH to make more time for MC he makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable, and maybe I am. I'm a big girl, right? What's the rush??

the next time tell him that the sooner he gets it together and does what he has to do the 2 of you will be able to do what he wants to do...what you both ultimately want...to move on and be happy...


laura: i must tell you, i have watched you blossom...you were already an amazingly strong woman when you arrived, completely heartbroken, but so so strong....and after dealing with so so much, you arrived here and have managed to learn about all of us...you post to one and all when you can and seem to keep up with us all.....i am mightily impressed....you've got a great mind to keep it all straight...it took me so so long to keep people straight, and even now i sometimes mess up and forget.....so kudos to you woman....

i had me a minor meltdown tonite...pfm went to a lodge meeting...the first one since d-day, and the last one he went to became a hook up with #4...and it didn't hit me until i was on my way to therapy, which was great timing....i am also approaching the 2 year antiversary....this week 2 years ago pfm was a busy busy boy.....juggling all his women.....

its weird because until that moment on the drive to therapist i was actually happy, i didn't have to see him, the house was moderately peaceful...i had a few issues with my kids, but all was handled moderately calmly...just not having him around lessens my tension....go figure the meltdown....just when i was feeling peaceful...oh well...at least the meltdowns are far and few between, at least the marriage meltdowns..the mommy meltdowns are another story...

had another issue today with manchild, but it was handled for the most part calmly, and i was able to shut the child down without further issue...so yay me...

then i had an issue with all of them...apparently they went a snooping in my closet and found some xmas presents...if they dug deep they would have foundmore then that, they would have found some of their dad's letters to me confessing his sins...not cool.....

i think i fixed their butts though...the present that they found will not be wrapped...i told them that there was no point in wrapping them, they already knew what it was, then i played the "what if i snooped my gifts in your room" card..."how would that make you feel","wouldn't that ruin giving me the gifts on xmas"..then i played the other snooping card " maybe i should go through all of your belongings" "how do you think you would feel if i went through all your stuff and you had no privacy"....

end result: we will see, but i think i played some good cards..

i need to go out now and and get me a big box that i can lock up, just in case....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I gave myself an early mark from work today. Finally caught up on a heap of jobs and found some simpler and quicker approaches to chores hanging over my head.

H is at work so I have the house to myself – except for my darling dog.

I won’t go back and make lengthier replies to early posts but will start where I finished this morning.

Strong

What if I actually get strong enough to end my M?

This is an amazing question. Why didn’t I ask myself this before? Thank you.

There is a part of me that will always love FWH but it feels like a part of me died when I found about his A.

For me this is also the case. We think and talk often about beginning a new relationship with our Ss after the A(s). I have read so many posts talking about focussing on ourselves and healing ourselves. I’ve just now realised what this actually means. I need to heal to the point where I make a considered decision to stay because I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO GO. We choose to marry our Ss because we want to – not because we are afraid, or needy, or hurt or anything else. I want to choose to stay because it is what I want – not a response to feelings that have come from the As. Does that make sense????

Hopefully the part of us that died can be replaced by a new and stronger component. The one that says “I’d be quite happy alone but I choose to stay with my S, knowing I can be just as, if not more, happy”

NJgal

It is never too late to live 'happily ever after'

Yes. I am now starting to believe that if I get strong enough to know I could leave that I would be able to “live happily ever after” with or without him!!!

Miracle

What if you get strong enough to know that you could make it without him but prefer to make it with him?

Honey it is this comment that led me to the reflections above. Thank you both

Thank you also for your kind comments. I really hope you realise how much it means to us when you affirm what we are doing and help us clarify what we are feeling. At times like this I really wish we could meet IRL so I could hug you!!!


Tryn

You will never be able to control your W should she decide to cheat on you again. It will happen no matter how hard to attempt to stop it… so no need in ever trying to stop it.

If he does cheat again, what I want is to be strong enough to say “Well that’s it. I need to find myself a better life. I tried this one and it’s not what I want”.

I’d so love to go to Retro but we don’t have it in Australia. Will have to do some investigating to see if there is something similar.

I am also approaching the 2 year antiversary....this week 2 years ago pfm was a busy busy boy.....juggling all his women.....

I guess that given there are 30,000+ members of SI then there would be someone triggering or dreading an antiversary constantly. How sad. Praying for you – for strength - and for all those suffering from the selfishness of their “partners”.

The coming weeks are going to be so tough for us all. I doubt there is a single soul here who will not trigger badly over Christmas. My H worked Christmas evening most years. I would cook a big traditional lunch with all the trimmings - it was common for us to have 20-30 people for Christmas lunch – all our relatives- and he would head off at 2.10pm for work. There were a number of years when he didn’t get home until 12.30 or 1am when he should have been home at 11.20pm. He said his relief was “late”. I now know – in spite of his denials – that he visited his OWs then. This year he is NOT working – I told him he couldn’t and he arranged to have Christmas day off. First time in 23 yrs! He also denies buying them Christmas or birthday presents ….Hmmm.

Anyway, I'm now off to my work Christmas party. We are farewelling a colleague who has been with us for 23 yrs. Sad to see him go but happy for him that he is retiring.

Hugs to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone…
my H believes that I despise him
it’s ok if you cannot and will not forgive him over this. I’d say during that first year, we all just somehow ( I think it just comes naturally) we just don’t treat our spouses very good. There does come a point we MUST change and start treating our spouses well. Are you still in that “I need to know things” phase of your grief? Deep inside do you really need to know any more than you already know? If so, then you still need to know something. What is it that you need to know to move you on to a more acceptance thinking? People are not loving and loyal all of the time. That is a “given” in life, a part of human nature. A fact.

So if your H believes you despise him, what can you do to make him think you don’t despise him? So you admit you greet in anger and he has pointed that out to you. I’m sure that is what it is about. ANGER. As I think back in time, my anger always started with my W not doing what I thought she should be doing or saying. Is that true with you too? For me, it seems it all changed (Not quickly btw) as I started to accept my W for who she is, was… and started to love my wife.

I did have to re-learn how to love my wife. It’s not easy after being the way I was for so long. Allgood, you have to help yourself and your H somehow get back to loving each other. Your H opened the door… now go close the deal…. “Mr. Allgood, Yes, my anger continues and for some reason I just keep having it and having it. I must change or we are not going to make it in our marriage. A friend that cares about me greatly has told me I need, we need to attend a program call Retrouvaille. My friend says it can be life changing if we both take the time to attend and try at it. Will you go and try?”

Heck Allgood, maybe inside your soul you have made the decision not to continue the marriage. Can you be honest with yourself? Can you move your way toward happiness?
Retrouvaille. Yes you say a prayer but they do not try to convert you. Sometimes God is mentioned. It teaches you and you practice in private a way to communicate to each other.

Another letter from my W to me.. You can see our struggles.. Her fear to talk to me because my strong salesmanship, drive to succeed in about everything I set my mind to do. I told her from the start I needed full support through all this… She was just coming off giving me a commitment she wanted to stay married… but still struggling. My W’s fear was stong too... I'm in part it was over her not having the lifestyle we live because of my income. Not living in the kind of home we own, maybe even not wanting to split time with our kids.. THat is so hard. But her simple fears just to tell me she wanted to skip a Retro follow-up day, to think a fear like that? This was a year ago.

Q – How do I feel about skipping one Retrou meeting in order to be with my mom?

Dear lord, plea guide me in my response so that my I can share my feelings in a way D will understand and not be offended.

Dear D, My main feeling is conflict. On a scale, It is 10 of 10 the need to be with my mom right now. Her support and counsel give me a strength… Any time away in her short visit leave me empty. The feeling I have for her need to be here is like when you walk in a desert, dying of thirst and someone holding a glass of water in front of you. Compare it to your missing one Colts game, I don’t want to miss one day with my mom but my feelings are far stronger.Love, T.

I will try and give you some real good letters... The Retrou rules in this way of communication is you write for only about 5 to 10 minutes... then you discuss.. you try and just listen to each other... then discuss Compromise if needed... It can be very intimate at times. We don't practice everyday these days, but Today, when any one of us write a question for us to dialogue, it is viewed as important.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:20 AM, December 15th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28.. If he cheats again today, he just doesn't want to be married. It is what it is... at that point, fear needs to be turned into action. A second chance is a huge deal... There are good partners out here, if you look hard enough...

I do realize the The sacrifice a woman makes by being a homemaker. Our society also always favors the children staying with the mom.. makes for much more stress. I can see the extra fear a woman would have. Seeking independence is harder. But there are single men thrown away by women who do not see the value in the person they married. Remember, after a few years of marriage, we all enter a misery phase. So many of us just fall into the mode where we look at other people as being “greener” and seek to exit misery. We throw away or get thrown away.

I'm not sure why we do this but we somehow lose our way and treat the ones we should be treating the best… not so good.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:31 AM, December 15th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning to all!

So yes, I did win a prize. FWW and I get a do over for the second half of our lives together.

So glad to hear this Ats!! I too feel this way, and have for awhile.

There just comes a time to move on and be happy, whatever the future brings. I have found that by doing so we are able to move past the hurt and create new memories to build upon!

In my case I felt as if I needed to pick a road to follow and then just start! Life is so short and I wanted to enjoy every single day that I could! Sometimes just letting go is the only way to be able to move forward. Scary it is... but for me it was necessary! The pain, regrets, hurt and mostly the ANGER were just too heavy of a load... so I took a leap of faith and left it all behind!

Not as easily said as done, but day by day it got easier. Being sad, and angry was a waste of my time! And in the beginning, I let it go for me, and my kids... not knowing if my H would really be the man I wanted. The ball was in his court and I was moving on...

I have been happily living my days since. Enjoying my family, my friends, my job and every day that I wake up! We all deserve to be happy and sometimes that has to start with us!

Wishing each and everyone a blessed Christmas, full of hope and happiness for the future! My H and I are headed to Florida for Christmas... can't wait!

There is light at the end of the tunnel... you just have to walk through to find it, and it's a solitary walk for all of us... even those of us that have found our spouse's following or waiting at the end!

Love to all
Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovinlife,
My H and I are headed to Florida for Christmas... can't wait!

Bring a warm jacket, it has been cold lately. We had some frost this morning in low areas of the back yard.

What if I actually get strong enough to end my M?

and

What if you get strong enough to know that you could make it without him but prefer to make it with him?

These are very important phrases, and I believe the answer to healing and moving forward. Seven months ago, FWW was still lying and denying about her A’s. About three months ago, I moved out of the house for 3 weeks. What has changed that FWW and I are doing so much better now? I believe that one thing is that I got to the point where I really believed, and started to demonstrate to FWW, that I would be OK on my own. Not that I could be, but that I would be. Knowing this provided a calm core for my life. It enabled me to break the enmeshment of codependency on FWW’s feelings to feel good about myself. As I began to move forward and being the person I wanted to be rather than grieving the M I had wanted to have, FWW had a decision to make. She had to step up and begin to do what was necessary to stay with me, or she would be left behind.

I spent much of the year after dday trying to heal my M, and by extension FWW. The advice is out there, especially in the betrayed men forum, but I ignored the advice to focus exclusively on me, and tried to care-take the M. While I was doing this, FWW was free to select what she did or did not want to participate in so far as honesty, counseling, and meeting my needs. Once I understood and demonstrated that I was OK as an individual, FWW had to decide what she wanted. She told me that while I was out of the house she thought about what she wanted and committed to the M and me. She wants US to succeed, and understands that requires work on herself. This has been a broad change in thinking. She now no longer appears to worry so much about upsetting her oldest DD, but is concerned that she protects our relationship first, and model appropriate behavior.

We have all learned that we cannot control other people. This also means we cannot fix them. All we can do is be the best individual we can, and see what happens. My preference has been to have my relationship with FWW work out. But, it was not until I set it aside that it had a chance. For 2 decades, I thought that being a good husband meant making my wife happy, putting what I thought my parents, kids, and FWW wanted ahead of what I wanted. Sacrificing. I was wrong. I got an unfaithful wife, step DD who blames me for everything wrong in her life, DSs who feel entitled, and parents I visited out of guilt rather than love.

Today, I do what I want, so long as my actions do not hurt others. Sometimes, I want to clean cobwebs from the ceiling and the windows on the Lanai. I get pleasure from doing something FWW will appreciate, and I too like a clean house. Other times I take a day off, go offshore in the boat, fish, swim, and hang at a bar. If DS or FWW want to join me they are welcome, but I do not feel guilty doing this.

The M you though you had, most likely never was. Mine wasn't. The only way to find out what you can have is to first find out, and demonstrate, who you are.

iwam,

i too hope you check in with us like tryn does....but understand if you cannot...

You will not be quickly rid of me. I am saying good bye to my wife's LTA, but not to people who stood by me for most of my post-dday. I feel fortunate to be where I currently am, and look forward to paying forward the support that was provided to me when I needed it.

One of the reasons I believe that I reached a "tipping point" in my healing is that I can spend time here at SI and it no longer brings me down. I do not regress to my own memories of pain and betrayal. I feel for those who are struggling, and as all of you did for me, I want to stand by ready to throw a line, mark a hazard, or light a path when I can.

((Tribe))

Do something today you will enjoy and might not normally have done. Do not feel guilty, feel very happy that you can enjoy your life. I am taking my department to lunch today, and I am going to order a meal with more fat, sodium, and calories than is healthy. I am going to enjoy this treat. Tonight, I will invite FWW to take a long dog walk with me to help work off this meal, and that will be a second pleasure.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:19 AM, December 15th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

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