Did I tell you it took 4 weeks for my W to finally break up with her lover? They had an 8 year relationship. There was no way her relationship was going to end in an exact moment in time when a surprise discovery is made. Did I tell you I separated for a few days? Did I tell you I punched holes walls, cleared tables breaking everything, and took my W throwing her to the ground? Did I tell you I loaded my gun and was sitting in my car wanting and on the edge of going kill the OM? I think back today.. I lost my fucking mind. Nothing could control my brain from taking me there. My wife took all that I gave her. Her fear kept her with me too. She was not independent and the fear of a lower lifestyle. It’s amazing she did not leave me and I can look at all she took from me today with great respect. Your H is going to have to take you rubbing his nose in his own shit. If he can survive it, you both might make it to the awakening.
Fear kept me from not leaving. What are your fears you need to face? These were my fears.
- Since my parents are D, I feared the split of my family, the splitting of time.
- I feared finding a new partner
- I feared losing my lifestyle, my income,
- I feared losing love I felt toward my W’s brothers and her mother.
- I feared what others would think about me, the embarrassment of it all. I was not sexually good enough to keep her happy.
- I feared failure to keep my marriage, the “divorced” label.
Fear is part of life and protects us at times. You will overcome your fears in time. I know today, I will have none of those fear above any more that keep me from filing D. I have had time to think through all of them. My dreams have worked through those feelings for each and every fear. It takes time to do this. Our minds need the repetition over and over to somehow make these fears go away.
Nell.. All you can do is overcome your fears and open up to tell your H what you think you need. If you can somehow do this in a way that he will understand, then he too will change to meet your needs, if he truely loves you. I know Retrouvaille can help with this. It helps because you can get say to your H what you feel you need. You will understand his feelings too... at the same time get some great letters that you can go back in time and read.
My boundary… I will not be in a relationship that does not love. Not me giving love nor receiving it the way I need to be loved. So, every day I only control the things I control and try hard to do something loving. If I am not feeling loved, I write a question that is designed to dialogue my needs. You never run out of questions and can always find the question you need to ask.
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:31 AM, December 15th (Wednesday)]
As I think back in time, my anger always started with my W not doing what I thought she should be doing or saying. Is that true with you too?
I'm no longer in need of any further details about the A. I remain brutally injured by his A and that fuels my anger - that he used me, hurt me like that, and quite frankly, has forever changed our future together. He is not the poster child for a remorseful spouse, tho he has done some things that show his commitment to our marriage. I still don't feel like he loves me enough and I don't feel like I'm his priority in his life and this has been made known to him. It's hard for me to say the past is the past and believe that I'm looking at a new man. I have not closed the door on Retro, but I'm not ready to make it a demand at this point. I'm glad it has helped you and your wife so much and I appreciate your ongoing concern for me.
I am completely swamped at work, but wanted to drop this update on you because I have a feeling that the mother of all meltdowns will be occuring soon.
H's work Christmas party is this week and he had previously stated that he wasn't going to go. (He was given the choice of not going or going with me. He doesn't want to go with me because it will look like I'm his babysitter as I've never attended these events previously.)
Then he's told he has to work that evening if he's not going to go to the party. (Fine by me - don't know why it irritates him so much.)
So, here and there this week he's been dropping texts that everyone keeps asking why he's not going to the party, etc., this is the last day to make a decision about it or he'll be stuck working, etc.
O - and it's like almost 100% that OW will be there half naked as usual.
I'm done being his warden. I told him to make his own decision. He said nothing's going to happen, that if he wanted to be with her, he would've been with her already. I told him that I didn't trust him to act appropriately in her company. He acknowledged that he wasn't going to avoid her or ignore her is she was talking to other people near him. He said he'd just keep it to Hi, How are you. I calmly told him I know that once he starts drinking, whatever his best intentions are aregoing out the window.
Said a bunch of other stuff too.
Long story short - I said my peace. I'm sick of listening to his attitude/pity party about how he can't go.
If he chooses to go, so be it. I already feel like he doesn't care for me enough and here's concrete proof of it.
we are here no matter what happens allgood....and i am glad you are swamped at work, less dwelling time...not that your thoughts stray too far, but it helps if you cannot dwell on it..
((((honest)))) hope you check in soon....we are here for you....and remember time does go fast, he will be home overseas before you know it.....
lovin: as usual, breathing in the air, the fresh air you always bring....
We have another MC on Saturday morning and will then go out to lunch. I guess I'll hand over the rest of my "needs" (the ones that are the most personal, ask the most of WH, and are therefore the most risky) at that session. MC, I'm sure, will talk WH through my needs. I think they're all things that WH could do if he wanted to meet my needs, and are all healthy and respectful. Based on past experiences, no matter how calmly and graciously I approach WH, he will view my requests as an attack and defend himself using the old best-defense-is-a-good-offense technique, and MC will stop and redirect him. In this, I am too fragile to defend myself alone.
Do you know what your reaction will be if he makes the wrong choice? (I mean reaction as in consequence, not feeling.) Does he know the consequence?
I'm glad all is well...
I'm a machine lately. Haven't done Christmas cookies yet but I made a list of to-dos and am crossing things off, feeling pretty proud of myself.
I agree with the others that choosing the party over working and keeping you in your comfort zone is selfish and indicates a lack of empathy.
What really jumped out at me is this:
He acknowledged that he wasn't going to avoid her or ignore her is she was talking to other people near him. He said he'd just keep it to Hi, How are you.
This would bother me, a lot. FWW will not even attend certain functions for fear one of her OM might also be present, let alone acknowledge or say anything to him. This gives me comfort, it reinforces for me that she is ashamed and embarrassed for what she did. That while she takes responsibility for her role and actions, she now feels loathing towards the OM for being willing to be involved with her. I would not feel comfortable if she had suggested, and she had professional reasons to do so, that she had to be civil with him and attend certain functions.
Maybe I just feel worn out. I just can't deal with his attitude, I really can't.
when do you go to mc again?....maybe the c will be able to get through to him that he has longstanding consequences that he must deal with to get his marriage back on track....he is the one after all who put it into the ditch....
i am prayin for ya hon...
nell: i am glad that you will be waiting for mc to go over what you need from him, sometimes it takes a third unbiased party to help us see what is so clearly in our faces.....fear seems to shade the eyes from seeing so much....it sounds alot like your husbands reactions are all based in fear as opposed to love....and believe it or not love of self too....one must learn how to love self in order to learn how to love another....and then to be comfortable enough in ones own skin to own the choices then made.......
its really hard for most people to be able to stand up and say they were wrong...no matter how minute the infraction....and the bigger the infraction the more obstinate they can become.....admitting failure is admitting and owning vulnerability....to be vulnerable to allow someone to see our fears and to allow someone to hurt us in return....
hope i made sense....
check in honest...
He needs to grow up. He is going to miss a party so he is sad? There were several things that stood out but like ats, him saying he would speak to OW really did jump. Do you have a NC in place? He should not even speak to her. I do not know why he thinks it is even o.k. to go where she is. Another thing that really bothered me is the fact that he does not want to go if you go with him. Of course he needs a babysitter. He is a baby and babbies need a babysitter. Damn!
Hugs to the tribe.
I just asked my H as to what he had decided about the party. He said he didn't know. I asked what had happened between last week, when he wasn't going, and this week. He said it was that I said he could go.
So interesting how he can twist things.
I'm proud that I remained calm as I explained that was not what I said, rather what I said was that it was apparent to me that he was going to resent me for limiting his socializing and that was going to be damaging to our relationship too. I told him I was sick of being his warden and he would have to make his own decisions. Now, I also told him that I would never be ok with him being in the same room as OW, never mind his talking to her.
One of the reasons I believe that I reached a "tipping point" in my healing is that I can spend time here at SI and it no longer brings me down. I do not regress to my own memories of pain and betrayal. I feel for those who are struggling, and as all of you did for me, I want to stand by ready to throw a line, mark a hazard, or light a path when I can.
ATS -- I just wanted to say that this is very eloquent. I feel this way too, but never could have put it so well.
I think the key -- for those of you who are not there yet -- is completely within your own powers. Getting this feeling, it's completely achievable regardless of what your spouse does or does not do. It's about becoming truly detached in a healthy way. About letting go of any codependence you have. About hoping for the best, but planning for the worst, then letting those fears of the worst go, knowing that no matter what happens, you'll know what to do. It's about facing the reality that you didn't get your first choice, or maybe even your 5th, or 20th, but that people get things they don't deserve, both good and bad, and you have to make the best of whatever situations you're presented with, even when there is no ideal solution.
So, there you go.
Baby Paddy will be having physical therapy twice a week, once with an occupational therapist and once with a physical therapist, starting sometime next month. Their goal is to get her walking by the time she is 17 months old, which is just a little beyond the outer limits of average.
The team that evaluated her -- they were completely charmed. She is a truly spectacular baby!
I completely forget she's disabled except when the doctors/therpists start pointing out her deficencies. Today, after they left, I found myself realizing, I really do have a disabled baby. But, it causes me no grief. She's an amazing blessing. Perhaps, given the propensity my husband has to become abusive whenever he's overwhelmed, it's even more of a blessing that we will have social services in our home on a regular basis.
Every life experience has a lesson or several lessons to teach us -- and I think the greatest things I've learned this past year are that you can't feel responsible for other people's feelings, you can't control other people's actions, you can't give away your personal power - espeically in the context of allowing the actions of others to affect your self-image or personal happiness, and these have been good lessons for me. I was also given a great gift when I realized that there are many, many truly trustworthy people -- though I'm not married to one -- and that I really do notice when people are lying. I knew WH was lying about something and that something was terribly wrong for a long time, but I got bad advice from my IC at the time, and I was so naive -- I still don't see the point of having an affair rather than divorcing. Anyway...
I've become resilient. I feel like I am so tough, nothing really surprises me or shakes me up anymore. And yet, I'm so blessed that I'm still kind, and generous, and open to being hurt. So, I am still a work in progress, but I really like who I am becoming, even though I liked myself before too. I actually like myself even more now.
Tryn spoke of our fears about divorcing. This is smart. I think it is an EXCELLENT exercise for everyone here (unless like njgal you're in R) to sit down, write out your fears about divorcing, rational and irrational, and really consider them. Think about how likely or unlikely they are to happen. What the ramifications of that would be. Talk them over with your IC. Talk them over with friends or family who are supporting you IRL -- and even with us here. Maybe you'll see your fear is unfounded, or something that you could deal with, or even a blessing in disguise. Maybe, you'll see that a fear you feel is irrational is not irrational at all, and in fact something you truly should be deeply concerned about.
LIMBO causes the greatest lack of peace. It's when you finally make that real, final for you, decision to D or stay in the M, that's when you start healing rapidly. When, like ATS, or tryn, or me, or Booger Bear, even though we don't see her post here in LTA anymore, when you say: the answer is definitely THIS. This doesn't mean you don't hurt sometimes, but it gives you what you need to move forward and make your life about you again and not the A. And that is VERY important.
Personally, I'm committed to my marriage. I've decided to offer to go to MC with WH, but I'm not asking him to go. I've refused to go in the past when his and my IC suggested it -- and it was me who refused first. I'd rather NOT go, but I am going to offer and let WH know it is an open-ended offer. I'm going to take parenting classes and I'm going to ask WH to go with me. I don't think I'm a bad parent, but I do have twice as big a life as most people, and twice as many children, and very small ones at that and one of them with special needs. I need real, practical, time-tested strategies to make sure the children get their needs met.
Anyway, my decision gives me peace and that brings back a lot of happiness and joy for me. I guess for me I took a good look at my two darkest fears about being divorced, and I felt like they were so irrational, but my IC, and a few of my friends all agreed that those fears were not irrational at all and genuine possibilities, and that confirmation/agreement led me to realize that staying married is really the only choice that is acceptable to me.
Anyway -- happy day to all!
Your husband still works with the OW.
He says that he would talk to her if their paths crossed.
He wants to attend a work party without you because he is embarrassed to bring his wife? because he cares that the others may think that you are babysitting him?
He is more concerned about the opinion of his co-workers than he is about you?
And...the cherry on top is that he knows that the OW will be at this party-and he still wants to go!
I'm sorry, but this does not sound like a remorseful FWH.
You have been traumatized by his LTA with a co-worker and are considering divorce and he is worried about how his fellow co-workers would view you coming to the party?
First of all, I wouldn't be surprised if there were other spouses in attendance. Your husband probably never noticed them because he was too busy hanging with the 'in crowd'.
well, I just said this to Strongish.... the rules change after d-day and now its all about you-not him.
It used to be all about him. He made the decisions and look where that got him.
Now, you call the shots. If he wants to stay married to you then he needs to do everything that you need from him.
I do not know of ANY BS that would approve of their WS attending a party with the OM/OW in attendance.
You are not being unreasonable.Your husband is.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:32 PM, December 15th (Wednesday)]
Edited to clarify my typo that is the subject of the following 2 posts between NJGAl & myself.
AND I meant to ask about YOU HONEST - where are you?
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:20 PM, December 15th (Wednesday)]
And... I'm also hoping that things are going OK for Honest....
I am quiet - at first. Just wanted to say I appreciate all the thoughtful and caring posts.
And DeepPurple - forgot to mention how nice it was to read your post. It sounds like you are getting some much needed relief.