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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG --

You forgot

Love
Fidelity
Spirituality

Which, sadly, says everything that needs to be said about your "unmarriage". ((UKG))

Allgood,

What does your H contribute to the M, and, objectively, what would your life look like without him, assuming you are alone with the kids.

Laura, TT is not too surprising, it's a lot to remember. I'd say as long as it's not -- Oh, hey, really there were 12 more people, you're OK.

I can't even keep up with the rest, y'all have a great day.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey savedbygrace….. Of course you are in fear…. You are now faced with a given in life. Things change and end.
Do the BS’s think the WS’s deserve the WS’s Love Language filled by you?

YES!

I honestly believe everyone should have the best possible life! We only have one life… You are going to have to make your own life the best you can.

OK savedbygrace, so you made a terrible decision. Yep, that is about as bad as it gets. It has brought much pain hasn't it. You will never be able to go back. You won’t even be able to control what your H does. It will be up to your H to decide to change, accept, pardon you… You can’t control his choices. You can only control yourself and love him like a true partner is supposed to love or not.

Maybe you should not be so quick to dismiss the

“We had an MC (which was from a religious group) who eventually told us (after around 5 sessions) that we’re going to be ok… “ BS – learn to forgive her, she was stupid.” “WS – learn to forgive yourself, and don’t do it again” OMG… what kind of advice was that?”

For me, I think it is damn good advice. Obviously it is too soon for you to understand it… I think it does take a year to get the anger out of the system… Either you both are going to stay in misery by bringing up each other’s faults, past failings… or, you are going to move into a more mature love.

My W has taught me an important lesson in life. People are not loving and loyal all the time. But things change. And this too.. Pain is part of life. I always saw it.. but at 47 it was the first I felt it!

My advice...People have a way of forgiving... I never thought I could... Just be a good loving woman to your H and things will fall into place...

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:20 PM, November 9th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK UK…
What are the components that make up a marriage?

- Commitment and Faithfulness
- Trust
- Affirmation to each other
- A mutually satisfying Sex life
- Value by doing services for each other
- Quality Time, play time, good discussions about things
- Forgiveness
- Shared values and goals in life

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:08 PM, November 9th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

- A mutually satisfying Sex life


I think this is an urban legend.

Hi Tryn, glad to see you post.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atsenaotie...I have a friend that get's it everyday.. Yep ladies.. everyday...
Heck, today.. I'll say it's been pretty good for me.

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS -- your FWW has to get past her FOO before this is a real possibility for you.

FWIW, my/our sex life is much better than it was pre-Dday. My WH always held some part of himself back. He doesn't do that anymore. It's great. He's sharing and feeling instead of performing.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does your H contribute to the M, and, objectively, what would your life look like without him, assuming you are alone with the kids

M3: At present, he contributes financially, he watches the kids when I'm at work (depending on his schedule), he fixes stuff around the house, he helps discipline the children, he plays with the little kids, he provides companionship to me. And, of course, he will have sex with me whenever.

So - pretty good.
If we were to physically separate, he says he still would come by the house every day, and I know he would find the bare minimum place for a place to stay, so there would probably be no every other weekend/typical kind of visitation stuff. All visitation would probably take place at the house - maybe I could go out and do some errands or something, but other than that, Ithink my day to day life would change very little - except I couldn't expect the same financial contribution and I would lose the companionship, etc.

Yes, on paper, I get it. It makes sense to stay. That is why I'm staying. No mention of love tho. That's a big cost - to stay in a relationship without it.

Anyway - sorry I can't comment on any other posts at the moment - I'm up to my ass in alligators.

And, I have an appointment with a new therapist this week, so maybe I can find my way out of this funk.

Peace all.

ETA: Honest: I don't blame myself for the A. Now that I hear more from him - I don't think it would've mattered if I screamed less, had sex more, etc. He seems to have a completely different outlook on life than me.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:26 PM, November 9th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I'm glad that you have come to a place that you are no longer blaming yourself for the A.

I'm still battling the "should've/could've" phase. Like could I have done things differently to prevent it? I'm still working on that... I was put in an impossible situation, trying to balance so much, tying to give to everyone so much, that it was me who lost in the end.

I'm really having a bad time these past few days. WH taking OW to this religious pilgrimage just shouts out to me that he is committed to her. He is virtually saying to the world and God, that she is his true wife.

I was telling him yesterday that I cannot put up with this anymore, and his response was he would still support me. (financially)

I gave all of myself and was settling for crumbs and was happy with that. Now the crumbs are taken away. I allowed myself to let him be my emotional support while I went on with everything I did. That is not his fault that I did that. I have to learn to be my own emotional support...... I was too busy being everyone else's.

Hugs to everyone.

I'll try to come back later and respond to posts. I'm just trying to make it through the day without having a melt down.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grace:
Admittedly, I skimmed your post. But you asked if a BS accepts compartmentalization as a reason for continuing to have an A and I would like to respond to that.

First, a clarification: nothing is an acceptable reason for continuing an affair.
I think the real issue is that the BS will not understand how it is the WS can proclaim to have loved the BS, how he/she could look the BS in the eye and lie over and over again without feeling guilt or without stopping the A. For me, I know I am looking for some reason to understand that despite everything my H has done, that he can be trusted now. That he won't betray me again.
Because, to be honest, my feeling is that showing your capablity to live a double life for this period of time really appears to be somewhat pathological or at the very least raises some serious concerns about the WS character. So, while it's I guess interesting in the respect that maybe the WS didn't abandon all feeling for the BS, I don't know that it alleviates all of the other concerns.
Hope that made sense.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking but it's been a bit crazy here so I don't have a lot of time but I wanted to send some extra hugs to you Honest. I am worried about you and know that this is a very difficult time for you.
I hope it helps to know that we all care about you and are here for you.
I also wanted to comment on this statement:
WH taking OW to this religious pilgrimage just shouts out to me that he is committed to her. He is virtually saying to the world and God, that she is his true wife.

I'm assuming that she is of the same religion as he is and also that you have kept your Catholic faith and not converted to his faith. I know it doesn't help to look at it this way but perhaps the fact that she is of his faith in his mind he thought it made sense to bring her and never thought how much it would hurt you by doing this, especially since you had shown an interest in going. Again, I'm making a lot of assumptions here but I want so much to help ease your pain.
And I also agree with everyone who has told you that she is not better than you, she is just more compliant. Another thought I had was that if she is of the same religion and agrees with the concept of bigamy/polygamy then she probably (again more assumptions )can accept the situation as the norm for her culture which would certainly make him happy.
It is not our culture to accept this life style and everyone of us on here would feel exactly like you.
I once tutored a woman from a similar culture/mindset and she very matter-of-factly one day during a casual conversation said to me that her H was free to take another wife. I remember being so shocked by her complete acceptance of this and questioned her about it. She looked at me like I was crazy. I said, "Wouldn't you be upset that he took another wife," and she said, "No, he is free to do that if he wants."
AND SHE MEANT IT!
We cannot imagine accepting such an arrangement. It just isn't acceptable in our culture.
I hope this helps. I've been wanting to share this experience with you and today, seeing how you keep looking at yourself to blame, I felt it might be a good time.
(((((((((((Honest)))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Fnf. I've been looking at the old threads and cutting and pasting a lot of wisdom from everyone, that reading it now, I see in a new perspective. But I am realizing that I don't think I put the full story of WHY I feel so betrayed out there. (Maybe I did.....)

I met current WH when I was divorcing xWH. I told WH I wasn't ready for a relationship, but ended up going out to eat with him. From there, he called several times a week, and we talked for hours about all kinds of subjects. I often told him my problems with xWH, school, kids, etc.
As time went on, we got closer and fell in love.

WH knew how much xWH's betrayal killed me. When WH wanted to marry me, I was hesitant about starting a new family. WH lied to me about his religion. He told me that they could have more than one wife under very strict circumstances and that the first wife had to give permission. This was a blantant lie I didn't find out until after we were married a couple of years and had our first son. I went crazy and he promised on his life that he would not do that to me. I made him promise that if he ever wanted to do that, tell me first, we will try to fix our marriage and if it didn't work, we'll leave each other and he would be free to do whatever he wanted.

I was so worried about this for our whole married life. I was constantly on his case about this, having him reassure me and promising over and over he would never do this to me. When I saw red flags, I was at him, he kept reassuring me that he wouldn't ever do that to me.
I told him over and over and over that if he ever did this, it would KILL ME. I told him that I could survive a divorce, I could survive without him, but if cheated and betrayed me, IT would KILL ME.

I would say I did this at least once a month for years, down to once every few months FOR OUR WHOLE MARRIAGE.
I saw evidence he had done this, he gaslighted, his family gaslighted, I believed him. I really believed he loved me. When I was overseas, he treated me like a queen, yet the whole time he was with her, having OC's, talking to her all the time.

This is why I feel so devastated. You tell someone over and over ad nauseum that this would be the worst thing that could be done to me (leave me first!!!!!)
My God, it's like my cousin is highly allergic to peanuts and me serving her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich followed by Reese's peanut butter cups!!!

This is what I don't understand. The one thing I said would kill me, he does.

In a very stupid way, I wish I would find out there was OW#3, because it would help me really feel it's not me, it's not OW, but it's him.

Sorry for the vent. Thank you all.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn’t want to use the word “love” b/c that is a word that is too vague and expansive. So I used the phrase “emotional attachment” meaning something that evolves during the early phases of the relationship and becomes permanent. I also used “friendship” as we love our friends, but we often have our spouse as our “best” friend – the one we want to spend most of our time with. But I’m with you on adding fidelity (how could I miss that???) and I guess spirituality, but for me that would mean being intrinsically linked to my spouse rather than in a religious sense. Everything has been reduced anyway, so I guess that’s why I feel “unmarried”. Currently I’m okay with that.

Tryn’. Oh my. When I read that I remember I thought we had that. But then I guess we all did. But they are goals to work towards. While I see that I give less value now to everything in my list, your points are more encompassing. Okay, it’s late and I don’t think I’m making sense. Or maybe my marriage doesn’t make sense.

WH taking OW to this religious pilgrimage just shouts out to me that he is committed to her.
He is just making a point to you and showing that she is willing to go along with anything he says or wants. He is flaunting her and I think it is time you tried to stop letting him hurt and get to you in this way. It is deliberate emotional manipulation.
and his response was he would still support me. (financially)
wow, he really is playing the good guy, isn’t he? I’m sorry honest, but his gracious behaviour just makes me angry on your behalf. Please, get yourself something put aside for you. Stop being indebted to a man who you owe nothing to. He will do exactly as he pleases and treat you as HE sees fit. And there is something not right about that. (((((honest)))))

Night all.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I would find out there was OW#3,
There will be.
I want use a famous UK quote to you: “When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.”

eta - I used the word "saying". It ain't. It's just a quote from a rather over inflated egotistical man.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:47 PM, November 9th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you UKgirl, I think we were cross posting. I want to read and reread your post.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((hoenst)))))

I don't have any great words of wisdom but I feel for you today/tonight. Please, please try and see that the problem is with your
WH not with you. I agree that he has been/continues to try and manipulate you. Today...start putting $$ aside. You cannot trust this man as far as you can throw him.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
This will be very long. I have had an extraordinary epiphany. I truly believe I now know where I am at.

I'm off work today. Am quite sick. But so long as I don't move around too much I am ok to sit at the computer and type. H is at work so ideal time for me as he's not "hovering".

I had a major swearing, screaming, abusing, hitting, and vicious meltdown 3 nights ago. I let out a lot of things I had bottled up for years. It was cruel and caused him enormous pain but I'm not sorry. He needed to hear the things I said and I needed to say them. Last night we had a quiter more civilised talk.

Some things came out (from both of us) which I really finally think have given me a true picture of where we were all those years. I'll try to sum it up as best I can.

1. My husband did not see us as a family. He denies this but I know it is true. Deep down I think I always knew. There was no US. There was him and there was HIS family. We were something that belonged to him. I used to get really upset when he was talking to people and I'd hear him say my house, my farm, my horses, my children, my son, I have done.., I have (this or that) .I used to point this out to him and say ”Why can’t you say our and we” and he'd brush off my comments. I now realise that was a true reflection of WHERE HE WAS AT. Sadly he was actually very proud of us – his beautiful and intelligent wife and children and his lovely home. He was proud because they were HIS. It reflected well on him. He didn’t love us for who we were. He liked the fact that we made him look good.

2. He was never available to do things with me or the children. He was always too busy. Then when HE wanted our time or attention if he didn't get it immediately he'd be sulky. It was always about him. He could talk for hours to other people, but never had the time to talk to us – unless it was about his interests. He never wanted to listen.

3. The kids detached as they grew up and once they were older and he wanted to be with them they weren't interested. They loved me because I always put them before me, had time for them, really listened and was interested in them. He wasn’t. I guess it’s a little like the old Cat Stevens song, “Father and Son” I think it was called. I used to try to warn him this would happen years ago but he never listened.

4. Things gradually worsened in our relationship. I felt I was a convenience to him - he couldn't be bothered talking to me or doing things with me but was happy for me to work hard as a teacher, look after the kids, the house, the shopping, the cooking, the bills, help him with the horses (while he abused me if I did anything wrong), carry all the worry when things went wrong for us financially and screw me when he felt like it. I felt used in every way including in the bedroom. For this reason I began to enjoy sex less.


5. I used to so often beg him to “try” in our relationship. I sometimes thought of leaving him but didn’t want my children to grow up without a father. I tried so hard to please him with nice meals, by helping him listening to him etc but nothing I did seemed to work. I eventually started to think I’ll put up with him until they leave home and then I’ll go. One night I even said “You make me so miserable. Why do you treat me like this? I always try to make you happy. Why are you so nasty? One day I’ll be on my death bed and ask you why you’ve given me such a miserable life. How will you feel then? Please why can’t you try?”

6. He had an affair in 1994 (which later became an EA until dday) which unbeknownst to me caused me to get chlamydia. I had no symptoms at the time and it was never diagnosed. However, I found out after dday. It led to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and chronic pelvic pain over a period of many years. Unfortunately none of the docs picked it up. I stupidly refused a test for STDs twice. I stated that there was no way either my H or I had cheated. I experienced deep pain when we had sex which of course caused me to not enjoy it. It also led to chronic cystitis. When I refused sex sometimes because of I had cystitis and rarely enjoyed it because of the PID he became even crankier.

7. I modelled my life and my behaviour on my mother. She was totally devoted to her family. I always believed that if my husband and children were happy that I would be happy. I didn’t have any interests or friends outside the family except for work which I must say gave me a lot of satisfaction. As a teacher for 32 yrs I have touched the lives of a lot of young people and am proud of this.

8. I earn almost twice as much as my H but never had lots of nice clothes, could count on one hand the number of times we went to a restaurant during our marriage and our “family” holidays were always with his family because that’s what he wanted. He never bought me a card for my birthday or anniversary – always bought chocolates and then ate them himself. I’m not whingeing here – I didn’t really care much at the time. Just trying to draw a picture.

9. But I now realise there was no ME. There was the wife, the mother and the teacher. I believed if I did all these well enough I would be happy because my husband, kids and students would be happy. I honestly believed I didn’t NEED anything else.

10. So where am I? I now know that I had a H who simply did not love me. He thought he did and would have been horrified if someone had claimed he didn’t. I don’t believe he understood what love was. For me or the children. Because of his selfishness and his lack of love for us he screwed other women for 16 years.

11. Funnily enough I actually think he now realises that he DOES love me. Over the last few months after a few foggy weeks he has tried really hard. He has made lots of mistakes (including the fucking ducks) but after our talk last night I now believe he is truly remorseful. He said so many times that he was sorry, would do anything to go back and change things, he was stupid and he was selfish. I believe he meant this. He has not tried to excuse himself in any way. He says he didn’t realise how much he loved me until he thought he would lose me.

12. So what about me? I’m actually feeling quite peaceful this morning. It may only be a high on the rollercoaster but I don’t think so. I think I now know where I’m at:

a. I hate the man my husband was. I do and always will. I am not interested in him anymore. I now feel I’m not even interested in what he did.

b. I could love the man I am seeing now - the man he wants to be. If this is who he really is now – and I believe it is, then we can be happy together. I will always carry the pain and the anger but will no longer take it out on this man. I will feel it towards the man I hate but cannot take it out on this man because he is someone else.

c. I need a life. I need to do what I want. I need to find a way to meet everyone’s needs INCLUDING MY OWN. I need experiences and events which give me pleasure which have nothing to do with my family. I would love to travel but some of this travel needs to be without them. It needs to be with friends or even strangers. If any of my family are with me I will be too concerned about whether they are enjoying themselves to get the pleasure I should from the experiences. I need to do things where all of the pleasure is mine – not vicarious pleasure I get from their experiences.

So I think I have found me. I know who I was, who my husband was and who I want to be. I also think I know who my husband is now. If I’m right, I think I can be happy.

Peace to all

Laura

PS. I have got here because of my much loved TRIBE. You have been my world for the last 5 months. Your responses to my posts and your reflections on your own experiences have helped me enormously. Reading about your relationships has helped me to see mine more clearly. You have given me a life.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done, Laura, well done.
I am very happy for you.

Honest: Seriously now. Your H is a piece of shit. You are better off without him. I realize it hurts to be deprived of a choice to R. That is sad. But, you can do better. More importantly, this man is toxic and is hurting you and you need to stop this! Stop talking to him, it's hampering your progress. Please find some people irl that you can go out and do something, anything that interests you. It may start off as a distraction - maybe you will just get some peace for an hour or two - but it should develop into more - something to help you recognize your true worth.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
savedbygrace
♀ Member
Member # 27876
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl - thanks.. i'll get the e-book you suggested. I think it will work here. I'll get it tonight. thanks.

ATS - your situation at work with xOM is something we might be in, but we really really hope not. I'm reading and rereading your posts about this for reference on how it makes you feel.

Although BH mentioned that at their work, much talk is about x-OM and why he isn't accepting the CTO position yet. It would be a very high career jump for him. BH appreciates though that x-OM is honoring the NC in a way (aside from the one text about asking if he would accept this position)... We hope he really doesn't. x-OM will be BH's big boss if this happens and we think x-OM's a little scared we might blow the whistle on his wife.

Anyway, although its understandable that you wouldn't trust anything FWW says, it seems you are going in the right direction. I'm glad you are.

Laura - I'm really happy for you. You are really in the high right now.. As I was reading your long post, I think you had every right to burst up like that upon learning of the A. You're really lucky and blessed the fog has lifted for you FWH. I think there's nothing more satisfying in this journey of ours than knowing where we are and what we want from it.

BH also mentioned last night that he now knows what he wants... We can work this out. Since there is this chance that the A issue might come out soon (from x-OM, or any other way), he reminded me to be confident and to tell others that we're working on our marriage and that we're almost fixed (well, the real story would be between BH and me). BH's words, "Remember, we're in a better place now than we were before DDay."

I really am glad I'm taking my time here in this group. Things have been better since I posted here.

Thanks everyone.


FWW (me) - 33
BH (my best friend) - 32
DD 6yo
DS 2yo
D-Day (the whole truth and nothing but the truth) - 02/14/10
Reconciling (I think)

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: SE Asia
savedbygrace
♀ Member
Member # 27876
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M334455 – thanks for the post. there’s phone IC? I haven’t seen any options in the web yet.

Oh yes, BH does think about it 24/7. His words: “every minute of every day”.
Since its been emphasized over and over again that apologies are very much appreciated, I still do even if he doesn’t acknowledge it.

“Porn with skin,” yeah, I guess it does fit that description. Eyuck…

Trust – so far I think I’ve been doing the Calculus based trust for a while. Of course sometimes I falter and BH would be at my case, but soon enough, he would be forgiving. I’ll be looking far and wide on how to rebuild identity based trust (for as long as it takes). Thanks.

About OM’s NC, BH and I talked about it and I insisted if there would be any reply, it would be from BH. Later on, we decided that we wait and see x-OM’s next step. Till then, we stabilize our career and financial foundation. And yes, what you said is pretty much what BH plans to say if he talks to him.

/xs/
I don't know how to capture a portion of the previous message and include in my own post (the one that's boxed). How do I do that? Sorry, couldn't find how to.


FWW (me) - 33
BH (my best friend) - 32
DD 6yo
DS 2yo
D-Day (the whole truth and nothing but the truth) - 02/14/10
Reconciling (I think)

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: SE Asia
savedbygrace
♀ Member
Member # 27876
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, November 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryin - wow, your reply is a "hope booster" thanks! you're able to forgive! wow!

About MC's advice. I agree that its the bottomline of the healing process but we were about a month after DDay then. Can you imagine where we were when she told us that advice? I tried to ask how do we do that... she just said that she thinks we're going to be fine and we'll be able to figure it out.


FWW (me) - 33
BH (my best friend) - 32
DD 6yo
DS 2yo
D-Day (the whole truth and nothing but the truth) - 02/14/10
Reconciling (I think)

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: SE Asia
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