NJgal: thank you for your post. I know a lot myself about the laws in his country and I will see about getting a lawyer, but basically, I'm screwed.
I believe the things you are saying are right. I think OW does the "role" of "good wife" ....cooking all his favorite foods, agreeing to sex any time of day and night, making sure the doctor tightened her down there after the kids. She is super compliant, although I do think she complains and wants MATERIAL things. I, on the other hand, don't ask for material things, but just want love and a relationship which he was faking for a long time. I guess he does love me, and although I believe I was the best wife I could possibly be, I did expect a partnership whereas he doesn't see it that way. I really thought we did, or he told me that was what he wanted.
I've been trying to fit a round peg in a square hole forever. Trying to make something work that I always knew wouldn't work. I tried to make my mind and feeling work this way too, to my demise. It's hard to fix all the damage that was done by all his lies and my willingness to believe the lies because I wanted it so badly. I keep falling into the trap. Before I was hanging onto a thread of hope. The thread is cut, and even now I see a shadow, an image, a wisp and am trying to grab it and am mourning that it's not real.
I'm scared and mourning. But on a more positve side, I am not as traumatized as I was. I'm still healing from the trauma, though.
M - I am in awe of you. You are always calm, clear & concise
Thank you SO much. I'm sure you can imagine this is not exactly the feedback I get from my WS.
DP -- I don't like your 4 year old up at 4 am crying for Mommy. That's so beyond inappropriate. I've got no advice or solutions, but I've been there. I'm so sorry.
Tryn -- y'all look great!
So, my WH told me last night that his father is "still" sick. I told WH that I did not know his father is sick -- he hadn't told me. Turns out he's been very sick for weeks with some sort of exhaustion and his doctor's can't figure out what's wrong but they're giving him iron infusions, etc.
I'm glad WH's outbursts lately are actually related to something -- this and the work problems he told me about on Friday. It doesn't make it OK -- but it makes the change understandable.
Hey! Here's a radical idea! Share your worries with your spouse and ask for some extra support and help.
I know, that's just crazy talk. Silly M.
You know, I hate MC with the white-hot intensity of a thousand blazing suns but we've just got to suck it up and go. That is compeletely nuts.
Plus, I got a "I justwant to be happy again" (with an implied it's your fault that I'm not) last week...
Honest -- you're very strong. Maybe today isn't your strongest day EVER, but it's noticeably stronger than the first day you were here in LTA. Hang in there.
I think someone else just said that on LTA- Laura? that if she divorced she would move far away. Well, maybe she should suggest the move now? Maybe subconsciously this place that they are living is the cause of some of their strife and a fresh start in a new place would be beneficial.
Like Iwam says...follow your gut.
I know you're not divorced yet-but if you were what would be the first thing on your list to do?
Do it now.
Do it for yourself and your sanity....
your kids need a healthy, happy mom.
I will keep you in my prayers.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 5:46 AM, December 20th (Monday)]
honesttoafault... I can tell you are moving forward. Your goal... You MUST somehow get out of his financial control. Start talking to your adult kids and getting thier advice. What is the one expense that is causing your issues? housing? Your H is not going to throw your kids under the bus.
deeppurple... Is your job still ending? Have you taken my advice and looked everyday for something new? I think it is important for you to recognize you are in a very deep depression. The only way to come out of it is action by your own self. Deeppurple... You need to take some walks on your own. ats has a boat, I travel in long car rides... You find something too.. When you go, start thinking about what you will be doing in your new life. A life with a new job, a simple life, some new lady partner... Start now taking up new hobbies, doing new things. Vision yourself smiling again, laughing with a new friend you meet having coffee in a Starbucks. Start asking God for help, go to a church with others because thier is strenght in numbers. Think about how happy you be on your own... in that new job, meeting new people. Vision these things and try to daydream everyday about your new coming life. Dream it... You are about to enter the most happiest phase of your life ever... go live it brother... Take baby steps.. asked your W to please start thinking about how she can move out.. but she has responciblity to pay to help pay for the kids housing. Start calmly hinting she needs to move on with her life without you. That pain of the 4am is just too much for you to take.. for anyone to take. Please promise me Purple.. today is the beginning of you taking on a new life of happiness. You need to understand that someone willing to R will do things for you... My W and I went through HB... Once exposed, she did so much for me... she decided to do it right away... My W had years to know who the OM was and compared to me. She picked me. It could have easily been the OM. OM didn't want her to leave him. It is what it is.
anyway.. peace to all today...
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:05 AM, December 20th (Monday)]
Wow. That is a nice picture. I think I can hear the lion roar.
You are smart. Your W is just messed up. My W told me that she was sick and crazy during her A time. I think it helps a little to think of all this as a severe mental illness. She needs help. I agree with the others. You need to take action. Do it for yourself and for your kids. This is already taking a toll on the child. Up at 4 am crying for mother? That is so sad. I know all of this is easier said than done. Like tryn said, "take baby steps."
Hugs to thye tribe.
Tell everyone. EVERYONE. ESPECIALLY her mom.
I'm starting to think that telling everyone might be the only way to get through to my WH that he's actually done something wrong. At the very least, I'll look at lot less crazy for the awful mood swings I've been through this year.
Something's got to change, huh? What are you going to do differently today to make yourself feel good? I'm so sorry that you feel like you have to put up with your WW's very very poor decisions. It makes me sad for you and really sad for your kiddos.
I've got two days to get the house ready for my parents, who are visiting over the holiday. I'm excited to see them again but there's so much to do! Last night WH said that he was going to work on his next "need" and I can't remember now what it would be... I told WH that I would like to talk more about his last set of needs but that I would like to wait until after Christmas. He said that our MC is starting to bug him, that it seems to him that MC is trying to make something out of what WH says instead of just accepting it at surface level and moving on. It will be great if WH can get gather enough courage to dig deeper and actually see something underneath his own exterior; it's obvious to everyone in the room except WH that he has issues that he's ignoring. We shall see.
I always used to think that his personality and mine combined made us stronger as a whole. Now I wonder if he's just bringing me down.
Boy, WH really screwed the pooch with his A. He not only destroyed my trust in him and demolished the respect the most important people in his life have for him, but he also forced me to take a good hard look at stuff that I've been ignoring (to his benefit) for years. He had a nice little life going. Too bad he was too stupid to notice.
In other news, Boyo2 (5 years old) is very excited about his new Star Wars underwear and wants to get his dad new underwear for Christmas. I did not tell Boyo2 that his dad doesn't need new underwear, as all WH's underwear ended up in the trash earlier this year and had to be replaced.
honest and allgood,
I'm praying for both of you especially.
NJgal: I've seen 3 different lawyers so far, and 2 of them wouldn't touch my case with a 10 foot pole. I even searched for one over there and asked a friend over there to help me look. Ironically, one of the ones I was going to use, I found out the WH went to him for a consult about a business affair. After New Year's, I'll have to look for a specialist.
You have given good advice about starting to do something as if D was already there. Stupid me, I used to think that I would have my mother move in so I could take care of her. How sick is that? But my oldest DS said that I'm having trouble right now taking care of myself, I couldn't take care of my mother. Also, it would kill whatever vestige of myself inside if I did that.
Tryn: Do I really sound stronger? I do have to work on getting out from under the financial chains that are binding me to him. Still afraid of the NPD anger and retaliation (withholding) that may incur.
Nell, thank you for your thoughts. The only good thing I see in your post, is that at least your WH's comfort zone is being challenged and he is starting to recognize it. He might realize that his way of doing things is not working and that's a step in the right direction.
Deep Purple: I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate very very much, more than you'll ever know.
From your posts, I see that you seem to feel remorseful about your part in the marital problems. Everyone feels that when they look back and see how they contributed. I feel you are trying to make up for those things in the past. BUT, and this is a big BUT. You are not responsible for your WW decision to have an A!!!!! Say that over and over and over again until it becomes a mantra in your head.
I admire you in how you worked off your anger in positive ways by exercising, etc. Keep that up!!!
The main thing I would suggest, Deep Purple, is that now is the time to write your WW a letter. Now is the time to put into words that you know you are resposible for 50% of marital problems, but it was 100% her decision to have an A. You need to tell her that you will no longer be disrepected in your home any longer by her staying out like that. You have feelings too. Tell her that she needs to make a choice after Christmas because you can no longer live like this. She can work with you to create a new relationship, go to IC, and MC, or leave.
I truly understand DP about how you are trying to have her see how things can be improved. I know I did that for the longest time (still am doing it). In my case, the disrespect just grew. That is one thing you can do for yourself right now....do not tolerate the disrespect. You just tell her this calmly. As a human being, as the father of her children, as the man she married and lived with for so many years, "I deserve respect and will no longer tolerate the disrespect."
At least me, as filled as I am with fear,self doubt, damaged self-esteem was able to demand a few boundaries. WH even complains about them.
WH has been complaining a bit about chest pain (he has several stents, I think one for each OC and the first heart attack was from OC#1. I should remind him of this) So perhaps the karma bus does hit him. Because his blood pressure went up, me being too good, offered to draw him a bath. He says to me, "isn't this better than arguing with me?" I wanted to strike him. I wasn't arguing, I was telling him what actions he was doing that were hurting. I was standing up for myself for the little boundaries I did set in place. I wasn't yelling, I was crying though.
Like DP, I was trying for so long to show WH "see what a good wife I am? how good our life can be?" but you know what? Trying to be perfect and better, I realized wasn't much more different than I was being all along. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing what he wants is someone who does everything for him, to be there completely for him, yet still be their own person and independent and not rely on him emotionally at all. To just accept whatever he feels like giving. Part of this is good.....to be there and still be your own person, but to not expect or rely on the emotional support is another. Sure he gave it, but withdrew it a lot. He wasn't consistent with it. All WH seems to know about giving is with material things, and there is nothing special that any one person gets either. He can seem so very generous, but most of the time it's to look good. To make someone feel better, buy him/her something.
The 180 is to shift focus on myself and to stop obsessing about WH. I've been all over the place, and that is the one area that I need to put my focus. I don't have to be mean and compromise any good within myself. I can still act kindly, but I have to be kind to myself too.
The marriage is dead. Was a long time ago and I didn't realize it completely. I was ignoring the coffin in the room and now I need to bury it because the decomposing is making me sick and destroying my mental and emotional state. I can't be like Norman Bates and keep the body forever.
Tribe - Ive had a lot to think about & consider these past few days.I had basically reached the same conclusion - time for her to move out. With a new job, a new career in 2011 I want my personal life to be renewed as well - with or without her.
Thank you for your advice & taking me into hearts.You are all beautiful people.
It's a damn shame. I really do genuinely love him, but I can't live like this. I would kick Paddy's ass if she stayed with a guy who treated her like this. I gave him 4 chances before Dday to stop this BS -- and flat-out informed him that if he cheated on me I would divorce him. He never proposed. He cheated on me the entire marriage. He got up in my face drunk on my vacation and yelled at me that this marriage has always been shitty for him and shoved me. There's not a damn thing I can do -- I'm just going to have to believe him.
I wanted more than this for my kids. I found the time capsule we built when DS1 was born nearly 9 years ago. One thing in there was my dreams for the future. I had only one: to provide a happy and loving home for DS1.
Look, everyone deserves a second chance. An opportunity to feel loved and respected and cherished. I can't give that to him -- he cried wolf one too many times.
I know I kept saying that I knew my marriage was dead, but I really didn't own it completely. I kept myself in a fantasy that it could still work out somehow. I think now I'm more detached and getting a little attached, instead of being attached and being a little detached. KWIM? It may not seem like much, but it is a turning point.
I've had a lovely day. Chatted for hours with a friend online talking about our Hs affairs. We also traded photos of us and our families and OWs and their families. It actually gave us a great laugh. Wow they really do "affair down!"
I'm usually really careful with my online privacy but am going to go out on a limb here and post so personal pics.
Thanks for your pic. I loved seeing you. You are now a real person to me.
So here they are. I will probably get paranoid after a day or two and delete the post. I used to worry that H or his OWs would find this site but now I don't think I care.
Couldn't get pics to upload so will try a link
Be sure to read the captions!
Hope these turn out and I haven't broken any rules about posting pics.
So how could he????
[This message edited by metamorphisis at 8:28 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]
Have just added some more pics. You might want to look again.
I think she wanted my life.
OW3 D her H while seeing mine. I don't know if he knows. She told my h she d him because he was bipolar (It took her 35 yrs of marriage to realise????!!!!!).
BTW I really didn't choose unflattering pics of them. These are all I've been able to get after scouring FB!!
I think she thought she was going to trade up. LOL
Guess she missed out
The pictures tell the story.
Are you sure that your husband didn't have a drinking problem? That could explain some of his choices. LOL
I'm playing with the idea of putting our family pic here, too, for a day or so because I love seeing you all... makes me nervous, though I'm not sure why. WH has never been here and I doubt very much that his OW is looking for this kind of help.
Honest and allgood - My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Things have been a bit better in my house. I've been trying really hard to put my anger away for awhile. My H asked me not to be mean to him. His C told him that LTA's are tougher to deal with and that the statistics for couples staying together after a LTA are not that good; and that I will always trigger and I will always have meltdowns for the rest of my life. They will be fewer and far between as time goes on. And if he can't accept that or deal with it, he might as well end the marriage now. I'm not sure I can deal with that for the rest of my life.
After the holidays I'm going to look into Retro...I've been talking about it with H and he is not keen on going. I think he's nervous about it and so am I. I find it very difficult to communicate. We are both conflict avoiders. But I feel this may be our last ditch effort.
I've been reading everyone's posts and so many of us are in great turmoil. Sending my prayers and love to all.