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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 21
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when he drove away from the OW after getting a BJ in the parking lot he stopped thinking about her immediately, did not think of her again when he got home...did not sit around 'mooning' over her or yearning to see her again...

I can't say that this is true in my sitch.

They worked together. He saw her everyday. He spoke with her on the phone everyday and every night, multiple times throughout the day.

This was not just sex.

If it was just sex - there would be no reason to call constantly. THere would be no reason to call during extremely emotional times.
No reason to call her at 1:30am to tell her his wife is having a baby. Wouldn't be something she'd expect - like you can't say she would cut him off from the sex if he didn't call during such a moment. He wouldn't call from home or from vacations with the family - excuses could've been made up - I couldn't get to a phone - my wife was there, etc. if he didn't really want to talk to her all the time.

My H did worry about her. If they were going somewhere near our house, that she was unfamiliar with, he would meet her off of the parkway and then they would drive together. When she got drunk at a bar, he worried that car would get towed and called her over and over again for hours until he finally reached her at 1am.

I wish I could say it was just friends with benefits. But it wasn't.

I understand that it wasn't real love in the sense that they didn't have a real life like relationship, but it's too close to comfort for me.

Strongish - I just read your post & it reminded me that my H had said he knows he loves me and not her because he can't live without me and he can live without her.

Ats - you are right. I have to take some responsiblity for my happiness. And, I will.

I think this has got to be it for me today, because I see that I'm getting very agitated by the topic.

ETA: Ok - just to rein this in a bit - I guess it doesn't matter if the WS loved the OP during the A, it only matters that those feelings are no longer there now and that the WS loves the BS, with a newfound appreciation now. I guess the rest of the stuff just goes more to the "what kind of person can do this" question and do I want to be with someone with this kind of proven capacity to deceive, manipulate, etc. So, for those of you who have seen your spouses take a real hard look at themselves and make some significant changes, I can see where you can move forward and, by the same token, I can see where that is not evident in the WS the BS is left confused, hesitant and conflicted.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 12:10 PM, December 31st (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
Sorry if these posts have left you unsettled and agitated....
Not a good way to begin the New Year.

My New Years's wish for you and all of us here on LTA is that the New Year brings us good health, happiness, and peace.

I do believe that it is never too late to live happily ever after...

That is my wish for all of us here.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the biggest lie that a WS tells is to himself/herself.

The lies they make to justify thier behavior.

They were unhappy for whatever reason, so were the BS's, it was just the choice they made to try to allay the unhappiness.

The BS had boundaries, morals, a sense of right and wrong.

A deep sense of morality, like if a cashier gives you too much change, some keep it rationalizing that the store "rips" people off anyway, while others automatically give it back because it's the right thing to do.

For me, it doesn't matter if anyone will know if I did the right thing or not. I WILL KNOW.

I am coming to the conclusion from reading everyone's posts that both the BS and WS have to change because the same mistakes will happen again.

I don't know if if the WS loved the OP. It's a hard thing to wrap our heads around.

For me, I can't rationalize anything, since WH bought OW an apartment, jewelry, brought her places, spends a lot of money on a good private school for OC's, etc etc. As he tells me "She's my full wife" and yet he claims he doesn't love her? Others say to me that he can hardly stand her?

It's true, that we look at a situation from our point of view. It's hard for many of us to imagine doing the things that our WS's have done without them feeling some strong feelings for the OP's.

We are not pychologists, but we do want to understand so badly. It has a lot to do with our own sense of worth. We gave ourselves to our WS's.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I do think one can forgive a WS by understanding a lot of things. I forgave my xWH because I was finally able to look at the whole sitch as objectively as possible and at xWH's actions as a whole. For my xWH, he was basically a good man who made a terrible, stupid mistake and stopped his bad actions, even though he left me.

I guess that is what those of you who are trying to R need to look at.....everything. And if the WS is making an effort to change themselves and discard the ground that was fertile for an A. Some of them are so rooted in their ways, they are afraid to do anything or don't know how.

I think if they seem truly remorseful, that is a first start, and from reading here, most of the WS's are like that.

I wish each and every one of you a wonderful and blessed New Year.

By the way, Ats, I LOVED your post.

So many of you at LTA are such wonderful writers. You all have a gift.

I love each and every one of you as family and friends. Thank God for all of you.

{{{{{Tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, WH was breathing down my neck and I had to log off before getting to ats's Q:
What do you want your post here on December 31, 2011 to read? What can you do to start towards that future?

I want to be loved well. I want to be with someone who the loves the authentic me. Or I want to be alone so I can be my authentic me and meet people who love that person (me). What can I do to start towards that future? ???? ????? ???????????

ETA: I guess the answer would be to be fully authentic and see where that gets me. That would mean, of course, that I will have to start (cough cough) trusting WH to respond in a healthy way. Which experience has taught me is laughable, but hope springs eternal. And then...?

Happy New Year, everyone. Love and peace in 2011.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 5:01 PM, December 31st (Friday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well... it's a quiet NYE here. FWH has been loving me with acts of service (making snacks and pouring wine, etc.) and we are watching NYE countdown.
I'm wishing all of the tribe a better-than-ever 2011!

But I'm also thinking about previous NYEs, especially the ones he spent with OW. I don't seem to be able to get past this... it's on my mind most of the time. I don't know how anyone here manages this.

oops... gotta go.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
unicornsearcher
♀ Member
Member # 912
Cool  Posted: 10:52 PM, December 31st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do believe that it is never too late to live happily ever after... That is my wish for all of us here.

I totally agree!


11/02 Busted WH 4+ cheating yrs, 11/06 Busted [Month Long Lustfest]. 2/1/08 admits false version of betrayals, so no full disclosure / "whole truth" yet. '09 Together, great work in progress. '12 Still gladly united.

Posts: 14209 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Calif
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello 2011. At least in my time zone.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Years to all… My resolution… Fight hard to keep every bit of happiness I have and lose about 20 pounds. My hope and dream… Every one of us on the LTA somehow finds this inner peace.

Allgoodnamesgone… It is OK if he loved OW. I’m glad your H told you his choice.. he picked you. The anger you have given him these past several months I am certain he now really understand right from wrong. He did change for you, he stopped loving OW. I stand behind what I have read, learned and been taught. Love is a choice.

Njgal.. what a very good post to argue what love is..

Oh... but he really does love her because every few months after her urging him on he will agree to go out for drinks after work with the work crowd and then he allows her to give him a BJ in the car in the bar parking lot while he looks out the window to make sure no one comes out and then without any kissing or hugging because they do not want to be found out... she lifts her head (probably bumping it on the steering wheel), he zips up his pants, she wipes her mouth, and he tells her to get out of the car because he needs to get home and she drives away to her family...
For me, I call that loving. Heck, that is just what I beleive and this makes me who I am. I read where the human brain clearly distinguishes the difference between romance and sex… But if OW is give Words of Affirmation.. “You look hot, attractive, you are beautiful…” then moves on to the love of touch.. Feeling, holding.. Sucking and licking in this case.. that is giving love. Too me, there is a choice to receive that love or not.. When you make that decision, you are loving. You receive the touch, you receive the words.. it makes your brain have good chemicals release.. This is love to me. Is that mature love? NO…..

On the other hand, if someone holds you down, forces sex on you that is not love. In that case, it is not a choice. It is just an act of sex. Your brain has different places of stimulas causing climax...


One thing I do know, if you can pardon, which starts with a choice by you. I don’t know how or why, but you can achieve a point of acceptance where is just did not matter what they did. It then becomes what matters today. Maybe you must have a clear change though.. You must work on how you love in your marriage.. how you treat each other.. in all those things that come with that which includes those boundaries.. acts of love.. (I could write a book)..
Happy day my friends…

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:09 AM, January 1st (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helloooooooo tribe!

Happy New Year!

Last night, I drank just the right amount.
After we came home and after showing each other some love (Tryn) , I still felt absolutely no loving emotion for my H. This has been a distinct departure from pre-DDay "loving". Since I was still feeling the effects of having had enuf to drink, I asked my H what he was thinking. He said nothing, he was thinking of sleeping. Lol. Fair enough.
I was sooooo close to telling him I'm done. Not out of anger, just because I have been thinking it a lot the last few days. I guess between my H working a ton of ot this week, so he's not here, which allows my thoughts to wander without any new positive contributions from him to offset it, plus, I was looking over my 2010 mini-calendar (with all my notes about our relationship, his actions, etc.) and I have to say, the first half of the year was really filled with a lot of really crappy stuff from him - I was really getting annoyed, like here he professes to x,y and z, but look at what he was doing...
And, you all know from my posts yesterday that I was getting all riled up.

Anyhoo--- I didn't say anything to him last night, and I find myself today looking at him a little differently, with a little more hope, for no reason at all.
Strange.

Anyway, I hope everyone got to have a little bit of fun.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The quiet lurker just to say thank you to all of you... for posting what I want to say and some how cannot, for posting what I want to hear (or sometimes not hear), for being a place of refuge and safety and understanding

Andrew Peterson - Dancing In The Mine Fields..
Thank you NJ, I sent this video to my husband as a New Year's gift. As he listened, for the first time he really cried.

For all of us - I wish 2011 to be a year of peace and resolution.


BP


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken-
I'm glad that you liked the song.
I got choked up when I first heard it too.
I think it really describes how much work it is to stay married but, how fulfilling it is to work through the hard times....and dance through the landmines.

Here's another song that describes alot of our situations. It's by a country singer- Alan Jackson (and, I'm not typically a country fan).
It is a lovely song called- 'Remember When'.
Apparently Jackson was a WS and then wrote this song for his wife after they reconciled.
Enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTA2buWlNyM


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin...
That's not quite what I meant with that description of the LTA.

I was being a bit facetious...

imagining a girl describing this 'loving' relationship to her parents.

IMHO if anyone I knew came to me and described this scenario as an example of what a loving relationship she has...well.. I would tell her she needs to have her head examined!

Sex is not love.

If that is all your relationship entails then you do not have a 'real' relationship .

The affair partners-even those that see each other every day at work- compartmentalize their relationship.
They do not have full fledged intimate relationship with the AP.

It is superficial and based on very little reality.

They truly do not know the other AP at all. And, they really do not want to know the 'real' affair partner.

They crave the flattery, the fantasy,the escape.

For example, my H had a 5 yr LTA with a co-worker.
I bet if I were to wake him up in the middle of the night and ask him to tell me the names and ages of the OWs 3 children that he would not be able to do that!

He never met them.
They rarely discussed the kids.

That is not reality.

In a real life 'normal' dating relationship your love interest's children are an integral part of your relationship because they are so important to the person that you care about.

But, when you don't really care about the affair partner...you do not really care about his or her children or any of his/her life outside of the affair!

It's all about being totally selfish which is the opposite of what a loving relationship should be.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:02 PM, January 1st (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats is having fun!


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2011 - I thought I would be planning my divorce and still might be. However I told him I did not want to make my final decision until we returned from a trip that was planned and paid for prior to the last DDay. I want and need to go on the trip. My best friend is going and get this, it is a couples only resort. The travel agent said I had to cancel the booking if we did not go as a couple.

He has not stopped contact with mow. She called him to see how his christmas went and talked about what she had been given and what he had been given and what he gave me wtf!! I did not say anything, I filed it away with all of the other information I have and in two weeks I will make my final decision. Wh has told me he loves her as a friend and has for a long time, but he is fully in love with me. He just cannot see what staying in contact with her has done to our marriage.

I think he somehow believes that if he just tells me what type of contact they have it will make it okay. It is not okay and I am not going to be the one to tell him no contact, I did that and he failed multiple times. Yesterday I told him that when I found out about facebook contact in August 2010 I took off my engagement ring and closed off more than half my heart. I also told him that when I busted him for sexual chat with a different woman, he crushed the rest of my heart. He said that I hold the power as to whether I will fight for our marriage, that he will not give up. I don't know that I have any fight left, or what there is left to fight for...no trust, no belief.

Someone posted a great song that captured my feelings and thoughts. It is Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. I think this is a powerful song. You can hear it on youtube.

My thoughts are with all of you today. Hang in there and I hope we all have a 2011 filled with peace in our hearts.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mitz-
so sorry for what you are going through....
but, you know the drill- NC means NC!

IMHO the only chance a marriage has of surviving a LTA is if the WS is extremely remorseful and is willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage.
Your WH is not showing any remorse or regret if he is not willing to give up talking to the OW (if that is really all he is doing).
Like I've said before... I've read stories on SI where WS have moved thousands of miles away to get away from the OW, others have turned down promotions, quit jobs,gone NC with all of their toxic friends that contributed to the LTA as well as NC with the OW....
others have agreed to get rid of furniture or cars that the BS felt were 'soiled' by the affair.
Most FWS agree to complete transparency post d-day...in terms of passwords, emails, cell phone records, finances.
Others agree to stop using Facebook, classmates.com etc.

And..your husband wants to reconcile with you but does not want to stop 'talking' with the OW?

The only woman that he should be 'talking to' is you.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, January 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear, I've been reading some of the more recent posts on "love" today and I am of the opinion that I just don't know what "love" really means to people who choose to have affairs rather than discuss their issues with their partner. I am only 6 weeks post D-Day and still struggling with a myriad of thought patterns all day every day. Today, my WH came round to pick some of his clothes on my request. He had a 5 year affair with my close friend and nextdoor neighbour for 5 years plus at least one other PA at the same time, probably many more. Today he asked me (in front of the kids) to find his wedding ring and give it back to him. He has not worn it for a couple of years as it was causing a fungal infection around his finger (laughable I know!). I was upset by this request as it was said without emotion and it felt like he wanted it back so he could melt it down for something else (my imagination runs riot). Anway, later he told my son he had asked for it as he wanted something to hold on to as a reminder of our 25 years together as he had loved me all those years. If this is true, I wonder why he couldn't just send me a private note saying such instead of just blurting it out so insensitively. I find it difficult to accept that anyone could want to hold on to a wedding ring as a symbol of "love" when they held no value on its significance when they were having their affairs. According to my neighbour he told her that he "loved" her and was going to leave me for her. He tells me this was never true and that he was only in it for his self-gratification. Maybe he did love her, whatever that means for him. What I struggle with, is that if this is the case then where did I fit into his thought processes. He told me he "loved" me all the time too. It is obviously essential for the OP in a LTA (particularly women) to be made to feel that they are "loved". It is highly unusal for women to involve themselves in a LTA however casual without becoming emotionally involved. There are a few exceptions but these people are definitely wired differently from the norm. They are simply narcissists. This is why it is so essential for people like my H to feed this crap in shovel fulls to the OP because they know that it is what they want to hear. In my H's case he is so full of it there is not a shovel big enough to follow behind him. Immediately after D-day he dropped these women like a hot brick when he saw the fall out coming. Suddenly he is seeing my neighbour in a "different light" in the way she has treated her H since the discovery. Hopefully she has seen my H in a different light as well. All of these failing they would have been aware of before but it suited them to ignore it all in order to meet their other needs which was the feeling of validation from another party other than their spouse, the thrilling level of sexual attention that wasn't bogged down by daily chores or life in general.
My H definitely loves his kids and I know he loved me, probably still does but my definition of love is different to his. I believe that when you truly "love" someone you are mindful of how your actions will affect them at all times. He wrote an email to the OW (my neighbour) saying that everything he was doing that was not work related he thought about how it would affect them. No thought on how it would "affect" his family, the people that loved him the most. That is not "true love" in my opinion.

Still hurting deeply but trying to implemenet the 180 without much success! All of this is just so so hard.

Take care everyone, and here's to finding love and happiness in 2011.

Ellejay xxxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ellejay

Welcome to LTA. The people here are wonderful. We are at various stages in our healing.

You will find it will take a while to get to know us and our stories. There are a dozen or so of us who post a lot, a few who pop in from time to time and a few lurkers who post occassionally. There are also some "old timers" with much wise advice.

Don't worry about getting the stories straight to start. Just join in as you feel like it.

The main thing to know is that we are a very caring group. We all KNOW how terrible it feels and although all our stories are a little different there are also so many similarities.

The thing I love about LTA is the consistency. Many of the people here are people I have been sharing my trials with since dday. I have made true friends who I know will always be there to support me in both the highs and the lows. They will also give me a lot of laughs at times and I will shed tears for them at times too.

This "tribe" is wonderful - I truly could not have surived without them.

Welcome again. You've come to the right place.

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:11 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Laura.

I went back and read the 180 behaviours again and realised that in fact I have been implementing most of it from day 1 without realising it. I have been strong with my H consistently. At no point have I given him the impression that I can't live without him. My only weakness is that I have been really sick with various issues that are being further investigated. I hate that. I don't want to get ill and have him hovering around in any attempt to "rescue" me and be "the man" that I can't do without. I have allowed him to do that too much during our marriage. It is scary though as after 25 years you do lean on each other for emotional support. After all those years you are no longer just a "lover" as you are at the beginning of a marriage. You become all things i.e. Mother, Father, Lover, Husband, Wife, Sister, Brother, Joint Parent. The ridiculous thing is that if either of us were going through some kind of crisis that was causing as much grief and anxiety as all this has caused, then the other one would have been there for the other - no question. Yet because of the nature of this, I can't lean on him nor him me. He has annihilated our natural mutual support system overnight. One thing I find hard to do as regards the 180 is not verbalising my total disgust at his lack of morals - he has destroyed at least two families in his endeavours with 6 children involved in total. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut on that one!! Anyway, enough for today. Will no doubt be spending a lot of time on this site. Great support though and good advice, not a load of silly, unrealistic abusive stuff that I have come across elsewhere. Thinking of everyone and I know that there are many many people that are going through the same pain (if not more) that I am going through right now. That breaks my heart. Take care everyone. Love Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NJgal. Your right I do know the drill about NC. I have set boundaries re: NC.

The only contact I agreed with over the past 4 years was work only contact as he is a contractor and gets referrals from the insurance agency where she is a customer service rep...yep she serviced him alright!. It has gone beyond that, the last 6 months went from that to secret email, facebook, lunches and daily phone calls. That is not work related.

I thought he would go NC as he says he is committed to the marriage. From what I see, if I were him and knowing my wife was about to divorce over the the mess, I would go NC without being told..obviously we are two different people. Plus I would not stoop so low as to have a pa and ea for 4 years!


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, January 2nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ellejay… We are glad you came here to share. Of course we all have different views of love… Love is complicated.

I find it difficult to accept that anyone could want to hold on to a wedding ring as a symbol of "love" when they held no value on its significance when they were having their affairs.
They can if they love 2 people at once.

According to my neighbor he told her that he "loved" her and was going to leave me for her.
Me too.

It is obviously essential for the OP in a LTA (particularly women) to be made to feel that they are "loved".
I believe this to be true. It’s People have the ability to love two at once.. even more than two.

They are simply narcissists.
No, not necessary. Narcissist always make “fun”, “put down” people to make themselves superior. They feel they are always “right” and get very upset, disappointed, even angry when that are not. Many, Many affairs involve people with all types of personalities. My W is no way narcissistic.

I believe that when you truly "love" someone you are mindful of how your actions will affect them at all times.
I do too. I believe love is choice where feelings are just those feelings. When I hear someone say, I feel like I am falling in love, I think they mean, I have feelings of Lust, extreme happiness, stomach may get physically nervous when close, your brain has thoughts over and over about this person, etc… All those are feelings. But until you interact with that person, they are only feelings. Once you cross the line, Start Affirming, Start touching, Start spend time with that person, start giving gifts, and doing services for them.. That is love is to me.

Ellejay, I learned all love stuff this from my IC, reading many books, The 5 Languages of Love, and attending Retrouvaille. (NJgal.. I do see why you believe sex is not love and I do agree, whores and rape are not. But once you cross that line of touch, I believe all sex is love. In your case, Your H was addicted and living a life of illusion… a series of prostitution visits. Maybe that sex is not love. It is different for me. My wife was not addicted. She flat out love two people.)

Ellejay, did your H say he wanted to try an save the marriage? Has he stopped seeing OW? Did he give you some sort of remorse? Regret? I think this is a must. Your H must now realize, understand, deeply absorb, a sense of what is right and wrong… This is very hard for someone who is so selfish and greedy to comprehend. It sometimes can happen with just being caught. It sometimes can happen once they get a taste of “loss”.. That is what the 180 is about… Giving them a sense of “loss”… You can ask them to leave, that may do it. But until they really want you, deeply want you back, It really is a lost cause. They just won’t “get it”… It’s so hard.


One thing I find hard to do as regards the 180 is not verbalising my total disgust at his lack of morals - he has destroyed at least two families in his endeavours with 6 children involved in total. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut on that one!!.
Well Ellejay.. I can assure you, I verbalized it to my wife over and over.. I did it to the point when I found her in fetal position in our closet. I have always said, If your spouse can take having his nose rubbed in his own shit, you have a chance of reconciliation.

My “real” mental pain is gone today. I have not cried in over a month. The thoughts of infidelity hit me daily but I view them as just part of me today. It comes with change. You can get there. My W treats me extremely different today. .. as I do her. I think we both are reaching the most mature love… It feels good. I hope you can get there and know it can happen.


mitz66… I know my consequences of crossed boundaries. I think I have the courage to keep them but who knows and I hope I never have that day… I think you H does not know what it means to lose you or flat out doesn’t care. You deserve to be happy and I hope you risk all to achieve it… Nothing is better than to have those good feelings inside. NOTHING… Sometime I think it is greener on the other side.

Peace to all today…

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:16 AM, January 2nd (Sunday)]


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