We've been snowed/iced in so I've worked from home for days or fWH has driven me in the 4x4 to work. fWH drove me to town to get OC's b-day present & some supplies yesterday. fWH went to sleep early w/headache last night & I just broke down & cried myself to sleep. I kept up a good front until the house was quiet. Then, fWH awoke @12:30 & was frisky. I told him, that it was OC's b-day & I just didn't feel like it, could he just hold me. He got really mad & said something stupid like "maybe I just won't feel like it another day." Then he refused to even hold me....so I started bawling again. He just has no empathy....beginning to think the sincere heart-felt sobbing etc. on D-day#3 was just gut reaction & some of the old behaviors (not OW related) that caused issues in M are revealing themselves again. Cried myself to sleep again & then fWH woke me up & said "sorry." Not sure if he's sorry for everything or just being a butthead. I think he honestly was trying to smooth things over so he could get some action around 2:30am. He just doesn't get it, does he?
If the shoe were on the other foot: If he'd had vasectomy & I'd had repeated As w/OM and then ended up preggers 4 months after DS11 was born, I suspect he'd have murdered me & OM. He just cannot see what he's done to our M & my sanity.
Thank GOD, we didn't get more snow last night....needed to be out-of-house & away from OC today.
I know it's bad, but it kinda angers me that we have to spend our $$ on OC's b-day, when she never should have existed. When OC was in-need as a baby & I felt she was better w/us, it was so much easier to swallow. Now OC can take care of herself @OW's house, I almost wish she were NC. Guess fWH might spend some $$$ from tax return to get OC's CS recalculated & the parenting plan/visitation schedule revised to match what's going on now. We'll see. I know once OW gives birth to another COM, we definately need to get recalculated so fWH won't be owing back CS if OW trys some BULL$HIT.
fWH found out yesterday that his old job is hiring & very-very busy (saw old coworker @Wal-mart). Think he wants to go back, but I cannot see him doing that w/his medical issues. And, who'd watch OC/DS11 afterschool & how would DS14 finish out the year of homeschooling. Then, we'd have to pay childcare for OC & DS11 during the summer (with OC's new schedule). I don't think fWH could work more than 20 hrs/week with his health & that certainly wouldn't offset the cost of even his meds & such. Ugh! We'll see. It all comes down to him though. IT's his choice to try & work or not. Right now with the weather, he cannot even get down&up the ramps @home w/out help (too icy). How on earth would he think he could go to an icy work parking lot & do the same is beyond me. Think he's just tired of being SAHD & frustrated because we have to be on a budget now (I think it's 'cause the added cost of having OC home more school/week days, but he doesn't want to see that).
I know when fWH wanted to get physical w/me last night, all I could think was "I just wanna scream & hit him & keep hitting him." I just feel that way about him sometimes, but never act on it of course. I just get this anger inside me about OC & OW that makes me go through spells of almost hating him.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:51 AM, January 13th (Thursday)]
Eyes so sorry but my prayers are with you and all of us who are going through.
"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"
ALL the more reason to go for shared legal...
We have an appt next week with a new attorney, and we are BOTH going. On their website they talk about the OC situation, so that leads me to believe they know how to deal with this situation. We will find out. Not that I want to part with another retainer...however it's a free consultation and honestly if we have to pay them to get everything done fair and right, then so be it.
I wanted to tell Eyes that I am sorry...I was hoping the results would go the other way for you...my heart goes out to you.
It took a while for OC's name to get changed on the birth certificate and have fWH added as father (which meant the social security # assignment was delayed also). fWH's corporate office was able to add OC to fWH's health insurance with just the letter from the DNA results which stated the birthdate & first/last name of OC. Plus, they made it retroactive from OC's birthdate so any pediatric appts/shots etc. could be covered the first weeks after birth. OW's health insurance covered the birthing costs & OC's hospital nursery costs (but they could've gone back & made his cover for OC's in-hospital care as well).
fWH's in-office HR said he could add any# of OC to his health insurance, but recommended against bringing home any more OC, if he wanted to remain married!
It took a while for COM social security # to be assigned & cards to arrive so they add them to the health insurance the first month w/out it and provide that to the insurance company when it's available.
Even though I haven't given permission, I think I'm obligated to allow OW to contact my health insurance directly about OC's claims since she's legal joint guardian of OC. We have always handled OC's healthcare benefits, even when not obligated by law (as he & OW agreed verbally to such when they planned the pregnancy). When OC's pediatrician needed my social security # to process the claim (after I added her to mine when the whole family switched over), they called me directly...I did not have to give OW my SSN.
P.S. we ordered a legal copy of OC's birth certificate recently (as OW never gave fWH a new copy after his name was added & we needed copy for social security when fWH filed for disability). He is allowed a copy by-law, once his name is added. We just ordered it online from the state & they fedexed 2-day overnight. OW did not have to give permission or anything. If your fWH is on the birth certificate, he can also contact social security to see if a # has been assigned to the child, as long as he has OW's info (social security # or maybe birthdate)....OC is linked in their system by OW's info once the hospital requested the #&card and it was input in their system. I'd recommend going directly to social security to get the info, if he has anything through courts that document OC being his. Funny, OC's named was changed on birth record & OW got her name changed with social security, but she never gave them a copy of the revised birth certificate...social security never legally linked OC to fWH in their records. In order for OC to get a check from fWH's disability, we had to take a copy of OC's birth certificate over there that showed him as father.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:25 PM, January 13th (Thursday)]
I'm just kinda numb now, not sure where to start, but I have to start somewhere because we go back to court on Tuesday to tell the judge the results and to see what happens with our temporary orders. Now its baby stuff time because I know that at the bare minimum we will have the OC every other weekend but if by some wacky chance the judge does give us sole or joint custody like we are asking, it will be more and i have nothing here for a two month old baby. I also highly doubt OW will be nice enough to send clothes or anything really because the last thing she wanted was us in OC's life, in any way shape or form. Must be hard to face a MM who didn't choose you over his family.
I'm going to go lick my wounds for awhile and try to get to feeling better. H thinks I'm going to leave him now that we know it's his. I would too if he hadn't become a whole different person since his confession about the OC. Right now, at this moment in time, leaving looks pretty good to me, but I know i will feel differently in a few days. Plus we have our COM who deserves better and I would walk on hot coals before I gave OW the satisfaction of knowing her and OC are causing any issues with us at all.
Thanks again, everyone's support means so much to me. I would never have made it this far without SI and the wonderful people I have "met" on here and the support of all the unfortunate people who have been through the same thing.
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
My fwh just found out he is to get $ in bonus checks soon, crappy thing is we have to give OW 24% of it. I told fwh just see it as we are giving money to charity...she is so pathetic she needs the handout, something like that. That OC needs it since OW is a worthless POS. Anything to make him feel better about writing that check to CS. And I reminded him we get to keep 76% of it! But he was at work and I had to keep his spirits up...in reality I want to cry over the loss of that $.
So my fwh had contacted the insurance company and when he talked to the rep, they are the ones that told him he needed the PCP, SSN, etc. on OC. Well, I called my benefits office today and they said HELL NO--do NOT give OW my filled out, signed insurance form (not that I would have anyway )! I basically said look I need to add my "stepson" to my policy--my fwh was court ordered to provide health insurance. She said no prob. I told her that the "stepson's mom" wouldn't provide the PCP or the SSN. She said don't worry about it--she will submit and take care of it. The problem for OW is the following:
1. If she doesn't let the PCP know she has new insurance, and that they need to be listed as the PCP for the insurance (so the Dr. office will have to contact the insurance company), then she will have to pay full cost out of pocket. The CS order states she is responsible for the first $250 and then her and fwh have to split it.
2. And this is the best part...because it is MY INSURANCE, because I WORK for this insurance and I PROVIDE this insurance, I and ONLY I have access to the claims, info, etc. She will NOT be able to access my family's info, and unless her and I sign the form that allows her access to OC's info, SHE WON'T HAVE ACCESS PERIOD. OC is fully covered and taken care of, she has no say in the insurance, claims, etc. Sucky thing is all the claims and whatnot come to my house, but I will just forward them onto her. Not to mention we HAVE to know who the PCP is because if/when fwh is reponsible for paying half the copays/etc., he does NOT want to send her the money directly, he wants to pay the Dr. Otherwise for all we know she takes the money and buys lottery tickets....
3. My HR laughed hysterically at the thought of OW getting the forms and then submitting them. Those forms will have my SSN, employee #, etc and there is NO WAY in HELL she will have access to that. I have to sign everything.
In other words, OW doesn't have all the say and it's going to PISS.HER.OFF. And at this point I don't give a shit. We are doing what we are supposed to, providing the health insurance. So we will be doing this on Tuesday, and I will be calling her state aid office as soon as we get OC's insurance card in the mail to let them know he now has private coverage, because I KNOW she won't want to use it/want to report it and still use state aid.
Oh, forgot to add that my insurance is the best in the state, so no arguing to keep OC on state aid She doesn't want to pay the copays, she doesn't want me to have access to his "private medical info" (which I still don't), and most of all she doesn't want ME to have any say/sway in anything. That's what happens when you fuck with a married man...
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 6:41 PM, January 14th (Friday)]
OW pulled a number on fWH Friday night. We had OC's party planned for 2PM Saturday, which meant we'd have to get ready & get over to setup a little early. OW called OC's cell Friday night (this is fWH's week & she said she didn't want OC @all on her b-day, even though we offered). She called OC and said that they had gift certificate from Christmas for Red Lobster, that their family is going to use it Friday night, and could she go with them. She didn't call fWH to ask, she asked OC! So, that made fWH look like the bad guy when he said no, as she couldn't stay w/them overnight due to getting ready for party next morning (didn't want to run more than necessary as I still had to buy the supplies & do the treat bags). OC pouted all evening because of that. fWH was very angry, as he believes OW was trying to start trouble. Why didn't she text us first or call to see if it was okay? fWH told OC that if they wanted OC to eat out with them, they had her all the following week & they could just keep the gift card until then. My guess is that they ate out w/out her anyway! OW cannot just leave well-enough alone, can she?
P.S. OW posted pic on FB of her BH#2's x-SS's child & it said My Stepgrandson. OW is stepgrandma @33! I don't know how she can claim a relative as a stepson when she wasn't married to the father & BH#2 was only the young man's stepdad for a few short years (basically very little contact after he met OW)...but, I guess they've embraced them now as having a stepgrandchild & OC is a step-step aunt. Funny to see OW holding a baby in pics, as she barely raises her own!
So tomorrow I go back to work :( I'm pretty sad, but I know I have to get back. I told fwh I will be writing a letter to OW once I get the insuance card, just reminding her that I go to work to provide this health insurance, don't lose the card, how to use it, etc. And yes I fully plan on being condescending, but not put something I will regret at a later date. I will make sure I post it here once I'm done with it! Going to meet with the lawyer first, plus it will take a few days before I get the card. I also want OW to know its her responsibility to keep track of all she spends as far as copays go, and that we are only to pay the dr, not her directly. I don't trust her at all.
We know she hiding something about OC medically, but without joint legal he cannot access OC's medical records. We say this because she is totally hiding something. Its one of the reasons why she didn't want the health insurance covered by me (which again we still don't see anything other than dates he went or dr. Name). Fwh still wants NC, but doesn't want to pay so much $ and for all we know the OC lives somewhere else, or is being mistreated, etc. I mean we know nothing about OW, nothing came up in the initial search on her (but that only means she didn't get caught).
I hope everyone has a good week! I am going to try and bury my head in work this week, so I won't be on until the evenings.
I'm surprised that whether fWH has joint custody or not, that he isn't allowed access to medical records being the biological father.
Make sure his revised papers say info about joint decisionmakers about medical & school etc. My fWH's had checkboxes about who could make decisions about each type of thing (checkboxes for mother, father, or joint):
Non-emergency health care
Other (please note)
(1) The right to unimpeded telephone conversations with the child at least twice a week at reasonable times and for reasonable durations; (2) The right to send mail to the child which the other parent shall not open or censor; (3) The right to receive notice and relevant information as soon as practicable but within twenty-four (24) hours of any event of hospitalization, major illness or death of the child; (4) The right to receive directly from the childís school any school records customarily made available to parents. (The school may require a written request which includes a current mailing address and upon payment of reasonable costs of duplicating.) These include copies of the childís report cards, attendance records, names of teachers, class schedules, and standardized test scores; (5) Unless otherwise provided by law, the right to receive copies of the childís medical health or other treatment records directly from the physician or health care provider who provided treatment or health care. (The keeper of the records may require a written request which contains a current mailing address and the payment of reasonable costs of duplication.) No person who receives the mailing address of a parent as a result of this requirement shall provide such address to the other parent or a third person; (6) The right to be free of unwarranted derogatory remarks made about the parent or his or her family by the other parent to the child or in the presence of the child;(7) The right to be given at least forty-eight (48) hours notice, whenever possible, of all extra-curricular activities, and the opportunity to participate or observe them. These include the following: school activities, athletic activities, church activities and other activities where parental participation or observation would be appropriate; (8) The right to receive from the other parent, in the event the other parent leaves the state with the minor child or children for more than two (2) days, an itinerary including telephone numbers for use in the event of an emergency; (9) The right to access and participation in education on the same basis that is provided to all parents. This includes the right of access to the child for lunch and other activities. However participation or access must be reasonable and not interfere with day-to-day operations or with the childís educational performance.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 3:20 PM, January 17th (Monday)]
We also want to ask if the bonus check $ he is supposed to hand over can go to a trust fund instead, that way we know OC will def. Get the $ vs. OW. So got a little TT today! Turns out OW is a pothead! Wtf?! Fwh told me she smokes, so I assumed cigarettes. Turns out he meant cigs AND weed. Now I'm not 1 to get on someone for a little recreational use in the privacy of their own homes, but apparently she had LOTS of it. So fwh is worried that she won't spend the $ on OC and buy weed instead! But he doesn't have anyway to prove it, plus he's afraid if he makes an anonymous call to dss then we may get a call our way too (but we are clean). Also, OW has a new car! She was driving a newer car the last time she was at court! Fwh thought he told me but turns out he told his mom instead.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, my maternity is over and I'm so sad. I'm going to miss my baby girl so much. Luckily as a teacher my day is relatively short, I do all my grading etc. At home. But I guess I'm still pissed that OW is sitting at home on her ass collecting our check. Not that I have anything against sahm, I don't. Its just how she blatantly won't work so she can get the highest CS she can.
Aloha everyone, 5am comes fast in this house so gotta get some rest.
You could mention to lawyer that fWH wants a no druguse around OC clause & regular drug testing for OW or custody goes to fWH....just sayin'. fWH had restrictions put on OW's mother having supervised visits w/OC. He told lawyer why & he said if judge asked (if he had to go to court), that he'd tell about granny's pot use and how fWH wanted her supervised around OC because he feared she might use around OC and be neglectful.
In our state, we have no say-so as to what OW uses OC's $$$ for (or about what OC's social security disability check she gets from fWH's disability either, since OW was changed to the payee). But when fWH was paying CS w/out it being through courts, he threatened OW that if he found out again that she used OC's $$$ to pay credit cards/vehicle payments and OC grandparents were having to pay for all of OC's diapers/formula/wipes/babyfood etc, that he'd start giving her $400/month in supplies instead of postal money orders.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:14 AM, January 18th (Tuesday)]
I also want to get the health insurance form in to my HR today as well, get that rolling. We sent that certified letter to OW seeking OC's info (although I don't need it now) and we still didn't hear anything. Not surprised and honestly glad. It makes her look like an ass.
Thanks everyone! And thank you repeat! We know we get no say in where the money goes, but at least if we can get my fwh's bonus $ put off to the side so we know OW can't touch it would be nice. Fwh is also considering life insurance on the OC since we have it on our COM. Then we will need medical info. I'm concerned if he is sickly then its going to cost a lot of $. Its pretty cheap for COM because they are nice and healthy. We will have to wait and see.
At first she agreed to this weekend, then one weekend with us then one weekend with her. Then she said no, then we decided since she was nursing, we could do five hours a day for the next ten days, then go back to court to try to resolve it next friday. We also are not doing child support because we are sharing parenting, it all could change next friday. But for now, we are trying to be civil and do what is right for the OC.
Very interesting and bittersweet to watch my H with this baby. but I have to say it is sweeter knowing that OW is miserable right now. I'm just human, can't really feel any other way.
Well, at least fWH didn't owe OW CS immediately. Funny how she conveniently is now "nursing."
I'm sure she was cussing & ranting all the way home in her vehicle.
It was difficult to see fWH cuddling, coddling, snuggling, & kissing OC's forehead when she came home for the first time. I held it together that day so COM wouldn't think OC was 'bad,' but seeing your spouse being the same way w/OC as he is w/COM is disturbing. My fWH was very close to DS14 as a young child (daddy's boy), but not so much with DS11 (momma's boy & nursed/expressed milk for 6 months even while I was working full time). It hurt me that he was more affectionate w/OC than he had been w/DS11. It was odd during OC's 1st Christmas to see MIL doting on OC, carrying her all around, yet ILs had never embraced DS11 that way. In the video, fWH seems all depressed & barely helps either COM get toys going, while MIL makes extreme effort to do things for OC. Not a great Christmas, I'll say.
I'm glad someone saw OW behaving so childishly! Had she maintained her cool, the judge might've seen fit to not allow fWH any visitation until after she quit 'nursing.'
Everyone seems to be going through bad stuff right now.
It is hard for me to see the CS come out of every check. I deposit H's paycheck and see the stub every week. It also sucks that OW works just call-in. I would LOVE to have the option to stay home with COM who has autism, to be able to work with her on social skills, pottying, etc. But, we can't afford it because H is not paid as much as me, has no paid leave and OH YEAH pays CS!
All OW does is complain when she has OC, he cries, he throws fits, gets into stuff. HELLO! He's 1! What 1 y/o doesn't?! This weekend H was getting OC Sunday, we had to get groceries Sun morning, OW seemed mad that we didn't get him first thing, when we came back, OW went to town with OC and BIL, leaving her 12 and 10 y/o at home. H took a nap and didn't get OW's text that they were back until he woke up. OW was complaining to MIL and FIL that H promised OC, that she just hates when her kid's dads break promises, going on and on.(She has this problem with 10 y/o's dad) The incredibly stupid thing is H always gets OC when he says, OW is the one that changes plans at the last moment, runs out of town "forgets" about visitation. H even took OC Sat evening to give OC a bath (they are converting the shower into a bathtub at their house).
OC likes it better at our house, screams when H leaves, and has called me mama many times. ( I usually just tell OC mamas at home)