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User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Altered,

I live in a redneck community. Before we had a house phone (way before cells were affordable), IL's would fire pistol or shotgun up-the-hill to get our attention (like if we had a phone call @their house). Tell OW/BIL to just throw a rock toward your door/siding etc., or shoot a firework...if they are too lazy to back-up a text w/phone call if no response is received w/in certain time. Couldn't they have just dropped OC off on the way home or picked up a phone?

I guess you guys are just gonna have to get some visitation rules in writing like pickup/dropoff times etc., if she's not going to be flexible enough to let you go to store before pickup or something.

You guys still live w/in a stone's throw of OW/BIL right?

It is funny when OC calls you momma though...OC always has called me momma (even b4 she did OW). Today however, she calls me mom to my face, but my name @OW's home & does same thing about BH#2 (OC's stepdad). I think I'm mom (OW is momma) and fWH is Daddy (BH#2 is Dad). I think it infuriates fWH that she slips up sometimes & speaks of BH#2 as 'Dad,' but he encouraged OC to continue calling me mom so why not expect the same courtesy for sdad. It was much easier for OC to refer to me as she heard me being called by COM. We cared for OC's needs as infant/toddler just the same as we did COM's.

It would be so much harder to deal w/OW if she'd married into the extended family. At least I have SOME escape from her.

Another funny, when OC was very young, she'd hold onto fWH for dear life if OW was to pick her up...OC even hit OW in face, trying to keep fWH from handing her to OW. fWH had lots of time w/kids when they were much younger (had a spell of 2 years where he worked 70+ hrs/week & was home but not really interacting w/kids as-much due to graveyard shift then). OC was certainly a Daddy's Girl. Nowadays, she only likes whoever lets her get away w/most. By the end of her week w/us, she's ready to leave & vice-versa the opposite week. Once OW has a newborn, OC might feel obligated to stay w/OW to care for child that OW will likely neglect & might even ask for alternating weekends instead of whole weeks. She was talking the other day about having to put her sister on changing table while OW slept (when OC was about 5 years younger)....I cannot even imagine my 5-yr-old picking up another child & diapering it on a raised changing table. I can see OC being helpful, but she & BH#2 raised the little sis. Apparently, she's very tempermental (OC was good baby/toddler).....I could only wish that OW gets another misbehaving COM to show her what it's really like to deal w/3 children full-time (as both COM are ADHD & adding OC into the mix made for fun extended weekends for me when fWH was working so much & they were all young).

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:30 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, the lawyer appt went blah today. Turns out the first lawyer probably royally screwed us when he didn't file for shared legal. We can "try" for it now, but since the court order is so new it may not get modified. But if we wait too long, the judge may not modify it since we weren't pursuing a "relationship" with OC sooner. The $ part can't be reduced; unfortunately as long as OW doesn't work, we are stuck paying the max. And an income cannot be imputed as long as OC is under 6. Turns out that I don't HAVE to change my beneficiary on my life insurance, because if I pass on then the $ fwh gets is his and not considered income...however I'm going to change it anyways.

The bonus $ is considered support and not enough to put in a trust, however we can open a 529 ed plan and that will offset any future ruling on CS if OC goes to college (is it wrong for me to hope he doesn't?!?). Obviously that would have to be court ordered 1st.

The lawyer said really there's not too much that can be done. Plus he's concerned about a battle because OW is such a nutcase. WTF why are these lawyers "afraid" of her?!? For $3500 retainer plus $290 an hour he MAY be able to help us. I told fwh I'm done spending our hard earned $ when he doesn't even want a relationship with OC, he just wants to be able to make sure OC is cared for properly. I refuse to part with more $ on another retainer on this shit. So we are going to file ourselves without a lawyer, see what happens. He's going to do the health insurance tomorrow. The lawyer said it's awful and digusting that these women get pg on purpose just to collect a check, and reminded us this is the WORST state for the non-custodial parent. So fwh is pretty much a walking checkbook with almost NO rights. OC could be living with who knows who and we have virtually no say in shit. But we gotta keep that check coming.

So pretty much all the lawyer can do for us is:
1. File a modification so we can get joint legal.
2. Request we get to claim the kid on taxes(he told us to still send her the forms certified mail so we can say we tried to work it out with her, so when she doesn't cooperate, because she won't, then it will make her look bad).
3. Request visitation from her. That way again when she fights, it will make her look bad.
4. Request the bonus $ get put in a 529.
5. All that with no guarantee on anything, for $3500+.

The lawyer said he has dealt with these cases before, and he highly recommends NC when dealing with someone like her, that for our family and COM it's not worth it. He said some powerful things that really made good sense. At this point we are agreeing with him, sad but true...I'm sorry and I hope no one thinks bad of me that we want NC (I know a good number of y'all are in C with OC), and that I'm tired of fighting this, and just want this to be another "bill" or "debt".

Thanks for letting me vent.

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 4:42 PM, January 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you’d never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn Island Im so sorry. I swear she has either done this before or researched what she was gonna get out of this!

You will need her to fill out form 8332 to Release her claim to exemption on the child. She probably doesn't claim taxes, but if she does, I bet she will not sign it because she would waiver her Earned Income Credit and Child Tax Credit, another way to get even more money for this child!

You do what is right for your family. We are not here to judge whether C or NC is the right way. Everyone's situation is different, and if NC is what works for your family, then you have my support.

She sounds like she just wants to money. Well the only good thing is at least the lawyer was honest with you, he could have just took your money and not given you the full picture.

Hugs to you!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
disrespected666
♀ Member
Member # 30411
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't understand how OW who has been cheated on and then dumped for a woman half her age can profess great pain from the experience then can turn around and inflict it on someone else. She says my WH convinced her I wouldn't mind because we both have sexual relationships outside our marriage which is totally not true. I know she's anything but stupid so how does she think I'll believe this line of reasoning even if my WH said those things? How does this excuse her behavior? Who believes such stories unless they're stupid? She says she had other sexual partners while married at the knowledge of her ex but then I find where she has written about how she found out about all his affairs and how devastating they were. Why do I bother exchanging with such a psycho who has warped the truth so she "won't be vilified" and because she "deserves respect". How can the OW expect any respect when she has shown no respect to me or my marriage. Now she's taking the high road of trying to find common ground because she's "trying to do the responsible thing for her son". She's doing damage control because she's afraid of what might get said to the OC as he grows up and learns the truth about his sleazy sex-monger mother.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: hell
MyWish
♀ Member
Member # 30554
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IslandWahine:

So sorry things worked out the way the did. My WH does not want any contact if it turns out the OW is really pregnant.

As far as the legal stuff, you seem like you have your head on straight. Most states have self help and forms that you can fill out yourself to file motions. So when you are ready you can do it yourself instead of giving your $$$ to some lawyer who may or may not be able to help you. Just requires some research.

I can't believe for that kind of money the lawyer would be afraid to fight her, seriously $290/hr and a 3900 retainer. For that he better work miracles.


49yr old BS
37yr WH
D-Day 08/29/2010 2 days before our 4th anniversary
Thought we were in R, but all that changed March 21, 2012.

Posts: 175 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Florida
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the newbies that have posted in the last few days. There are a lot of lovely people on here who have been through it all and can help us get through it as well.

Island, I'm so sorry you are going through this :( If you feel its best to go completely NC, then do what's best for your family. The OW sounds completely wacko and that's the last thing you need to deal with, with your new baby and working and trying to R with your H. ((Good luck))

Well, we've had two days of the five hour visitation.(to recap, it was court ordered to have OC five hours a day for the next ten days till we go back to court) Needless to say, it's been interesting and heartbreaking at the same time.

The first day, OW had her mother there with her (keep in mind that just hours before, both were in the courtroom yelling at us, telling my H he was going to burn in hell and telling me that if I was her (Ow's mother) she would have never stayed with him etc. So we get there and she takes off to the bathroom crying, this woman is such a cryer. She finally comes out right at the appointed time, then she tells us she is going to change his diaper, like she couldnt do that while she was in there crying? wtf. So we finally get to the point where we can put OC in our carseat and I even ask her if she wanted to check it to make sure that he was in there properly (I've done this before but wanted to be nice because we have to go back before the judge, want to do everything right) she starts bawling again but we make it out the door and into the car. He was really good, he took the bottle of expressed milk that she sent, well one of them, without a lot of fuss, despite her warning that he wouldn't do it. H held him a lot and took care of him, which was good because it was hard watching him with OC but it would have been harder if I had had to take care of him mostly by myself. We take him back five hours later and she was all like, "Oh baby, I've missed you so bad!" and kissing him like we had been keeping him from her for days.

Yesterday I guess her mother had to work because she was a little less combative? i guess would be the word. She asked a favor to see if one of us (that would be me, you idiot OW, not H) would meet her halfway through the time of visitation so that she would have time to express more milk. I was a little irritated because she KNOWS she has to do this but she said she was going to stay in town so it would be easy for us to meet (we live about thirty to forty miles away from each other) so fast forward an hour and a half then her mother calls (Ow's number is blocked on H's cell phone but she has my number for contact) and says she needs one of us to call OW because her number is blocked and she needs to meet to nurse cause she can't get enough milk. Can you say drama? So i called OW who said that she called the doc because she wasn't getting any milk, the doc said she was "under stress" and that would cause her not to be able to express milk. Then she mentioned she hadn't eaten in two days like she wanted me to feel sorry for her. I just said, "this hasn't been easy on any of us" So we ended up meeting her at a store to let her nurse OC. then we brought him back until time to take him back to her. So now its snowing and we will miss today because she lives in such a rural area that she will be unable to get out. We are making her call us to cancel though because we dont want to be the ones calling it off.

So now to the odd parts. I hope no one gets tired of this because I'm afraid I will be posting these issues a lot in the next few days considering we have to see her every day till next Friday. I worry about him seeing her every day after NC for nine months. So far I am okay with what has gone on between them, they are civil to each other, she is civil to me, I'm civil to her. but yesterday he was telling her about OC peeing on him and she was looking up at him and smiling and I could see that love she had for him during the A. It was very disturbing. H was smiling too but not like looking her with those "i wish we were alone so we could make another OC" eyes like she was looking at him. Later we talked about it and I reminded him that she does still have feelings for him and since we are having to see her every day it might not be the best thing to be too overly friendly because those feelings are still there and I believe she is going to make some kind of gesture, like calling him at work to try again to get him to either meet her or get things started again. He assures me that nothing will happen and if she calls he will remind her it is about OC only but will ask her not to call work again.

This is so hard!!!!!!!!!!! On one hand I'm happy to see him getting to know his son, even if it is hard to watch them together sometimes. On the other, I hate that we are having to see her every day, even though she is having to see us every day and see us present a united front and that we are still together. Then on the other hand, OC reminds me a lot of our COM and it's hard to resist holding him a little bit.

Oh and another thing, we have picked OC up twice now and each time she has managed to bring up the subject of nursing and her boobs. Now I'm no slouch in the boob department, but she isn't either. She used to wear low cut shirts to work when they worked together. So now I'm thinking she is trying to remind him about them, trying to trigger memories for him by mentioning nursing and her boobs etc. yesterday it was talking about him nursing all night and she said, "he wanted my boob in his face all night long" ugh.

Okay, enough griping, I'm sure there will be more soon, but not today because it snowed yay! We get a break from OW!


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi guys. it's been a while. i just wanted to check in and say hi. i've been lurking for a few days catching up on stories. i'm sorry to those of you that were waiting for paternity and have since lived through that nightmare revelation.

welcome new folks, and i'm sorry to see you here, but glad you found this site.

i'm in the doldrums lately. i've reached the legal waiting time and could file my divorce anytime. but i haven't. i'm not sure if it's because i hold out hope, or because of the default attachment we still share, or because i just don't want to hurt his feelings or see him crumble.

i think the last one is probably 1st in the list, with attachment 2nd and hope dead last.

anyway, i'm here, feeling distracted and a bit like eeyore, blue as hell and a little lost. i do plan on having and believe in a better 2011. i'm thinking of you all and wishing you strength, while taking some of that strength from you for myself at the same time.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 10:23 AM, January 20th (Thursday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Island,

So sorry about the CS thing. Seems like the new lawyer could help, but so expensive! One one hand, going NC w/OW&OC would have made things easier, but on the ohter hand...I was fatherless & think I wouldn't have respected fWH as much if he'd gone NC. I would not think many Ms can survice OC & even so, going NC is a struggle just like having some or lots of C w/OC&OW.

Eyes,

I don't know how you're doing it. I never met OW until fWH was injured & I had to do pickups/dropoffs for fWH when he couldn't. I would have lost it, if OW had been nursing OC. But, since she was dating BH#2, she didn't have time to nurse (even though she was off-work for about 2 months - when she'd said "I'll go back to work next week.")

And, do be concerned about all the contact w/OW. Unfortunately, my fWH had another EA/PA w/OW 7 years after OC was born (now married to her 2nd BH she cheated on w/fWH and having COM w/BH#2). Even years later, both fWH & OW had those feelings crop up again due to added contact over time & OW playing the damsel in distress (he really likes a needy woman who is obsessed w/him). Might need to lay some groundwork with him about what you expect & what you won't tolerate. Chit-chat during pickups etc. is a no-no, as it leads to "just friends" kinda feeling. Don't make friends w/her either...she certainly is out to stab you in the back (as I've seen how OW can be so nice to me in-person & be sleeping w/fWH yet again for 3rd EA/PA). All the while I was taking care of things for OC & her care @home a majority of the time, she was taking care of fWH's sexual needs (I even registered OC for school using my PTO because OW couldn't leave work!)

Stand your ground. And, do what you feel is necessary to care for OC, but nothing that makes you too uncomfortable.

Post if you need us! That's what we're here for.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 2:41 PM, January 20th (Thursday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
webmistress
♀ Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooo, it turns out I know my H probably better than he knows himself. I have been posting about his odd behavior this past week. Many of you have said it seems like he's still foggy. Well, you were partially right. I checked the cell phone usage today, and saw phone calls to California over the last few days....OW. I was destroyed.

I confronted him. He told me that a few days ago, OW's sister called to tell him OW was in labor. OC was born. She posted pics on Facebook, INCLUDING the baby's name, which includes H's middle name AND LAST NAME. SHE PUT H'S LAST NAME!!!!

Omg. H and I spent a good deal crying over this tonight. He said he has asked for a paternity test. The baby does not look like him at all (our daughter looked exactly like him when she was born). I just have absolutely no idea what is happening. There has been NC with OW since November (I know this, I check the phone usage regularly). She never sent him any u/s photos. Her story has gone from "I'm having twins" to "I'm having twin girls" to "I'm just having one baby" to no more contact whatsoever. Now she has frigging pictures posted on facebook with my husbands last name attached to it. I am completely horrified.

H is destroyed. He said, until a few days ago, he had thought it was a lie and was preparing to move on. I was right there with him. Now this. Wtf is the OW's game?? She hasn't spoken to H in almost 3 months, why the phone call with the news? Why all this crazy shit with the name? I have never never NEVER seen this kind of crazy shit in my life. I'm so confused and upset now, I am just beyond words. I feel like running away from this mess as far as I can get. Someone please help.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are so right repeat! shortly after i posted this morning, she called our home phone (we have to have a contact number for her but she will always remain blocked on his cell phone. I was in the shower and we don't have caller id so H answered it. She said that she couldn't make it out of her roadway, which is probably true today, probably not tomorrow though i bet she will call it off again. Anyway, she told my H that she isn't willing to consider formula, at all, for the OC and that all contact is supposed to be between him and her only.

Well that just proves the fact that she is trying to prove OC is dependent on her and her only with nursing which is going to mess up our one week on, one week off bid next time we go to court. However, if i didn't mention it earlier, she said she hadn't eaten in two days when i talked to her on the phone yesterday so she's not really considering the best interest of OC if she is not taking care of herself since she is the sole source of nutrition for him. It's okay though, thanks for posting what you did about the chit chat because we just had that talk. We were trying to be nice but now it's going to be spoke if spoken too and only talking to me about how cute he is etc. plus we are going to do what we can to royally piss her off and make her realize that this is not about her, that we are still together. like having H rub my arm, hold my hand etc in front of her, giving her my cell number and putting her on speaker phone if she calls and to also take OC to his workplace, where she used to work too. I'm afraid she will take OC there and act like they are one big happy family but if we get the jump on her and take him ourselves that will take it away from her. Just little things but she is going to get this message if I have to continually reinforce it.

Also, she knew on the day that we were in court that there are some days that i have to pick up and drop off the OC because H is working so she needs to get over her little thing about that. She really just wants access to H again, but that's not going to happen. We are aware she will try to call him at work, but he has agreed to keep it only about OC and to cut her off. That is what it is going to take with her, because if you let her, she won't shut up. And she will eventually start trying to get personal again. Thank god he got sick to his stomach after talking to her this morning. That made me happy.

Repeat, I honestly don't see how you do what you do everyday. Mine seems mild compared to your situation, bless your heart. I'm doing it because I want to work it out with H and because I'm not letting OW and I'm determined to keep a happy home for COM. I have drawn the lines clear as they can be with him and her, it's up to him now to keep from crossing them. I think he will be okay, he just needs to know what to say to her, what should be said, so he doesn't say the wrong thing. He is torn between being civil to her for OC's sake and trying to be the dickhead he can be when he needs to. So he has to do it. He knows I am gone if anything happens. He really doesn't want that. But never say never, I know, and I will keep a close eye on this situation for sure.

The best revenge is not letting her get to me and to us, as long as we go do the pickups and drop offs together and present a happy, united front, she will be unhappy and that makes me happy lol.

Oh, one more thing. On the agreement they signed, we get five hours each day. Next Friday is the day we go to court to have a look at this agreement and to see what can change etc. This is going to be fun because we are supposed to meet OW at 8 am to start our five hours. Court is at 9 am. So we will have OC the whole time we are in court cause it seems to take about three hours each time due to family court stuff, then we will have him for awhile afterwards, depending on what the judge says. Of course we will let her nurse him if necessary but he comes right back to us. it's gonna be great lol.


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((webmistress))), I am so sorry. I got notification from "someone" on facebook (I think it was OW) about the OC. Being pregnant (and a little miserable from that!) I lost my shit. So sorry that there ended up being an OC after all.

Good luck eyes! I too can't WAIT for the next time we have to go to court so I can show the united front. Last nite I made a "family" email for health insurance correspondence, etc, that way she doesnt' have our personal emails AND she has no option but to deal with ME. I plan on making her ass as miserable as I can, all the while being as charming as possible.

(((disrespected))) and (((mywish))). So many of us on here, esp HERE, it's quite sad but good we have the support.

And THANK YOU BMC and everyone else for making me feel better about NC. Repeat, I know how you feel about having a little less respect because of NC. I know that my fwh is an awesome father to our COM, and just have to let my mind rest on that. OW is a total wackadoodle that right now while we are in R, trying to save our family, we just can't deal with her hot mess. The collatoral damage of that being the OC. I feel bad for him but honestly there's just not much we can do except to file on our own and see what happens. Well, I guess there is a lot we can do if we are willing to spend the $, but we are spending so much now (we are slowly budgeting in this $279 a week expense) I just can't part with more of our hard earned cash, just to deal with OW more. But thank you for the support. I've chatted with folks from other websites (not aobut my situation directly, but talked about the "what ifs") and it's hard to hear about "dead beat dad" and whatnot. At over $1000 a month I hardly would call fwh a dead beat, just an uninvolved biological father. Which I guess to some would be a deadbeat. It's crazy how those not in the situation make comments that one way or the other is "right". NC right now is "right" for us since we have talked more about it. It makes me sad because I honestly love kids, but at the same time (I guess I'm going to be a little selfish here), my COM have to come first. They need me, they need my money, they need me SANE. But thank you all for helping me feel a little better.

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 7:52 PM, January 20th (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you’d never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm in the doldrums lately. i've reached the legal waiting time and could file my divorce anytime. but i haven't. i'm not sure if it's because i hold out hope, or because of the default attachment we still share, or because i just don't want to hurt his feelings or see him crumble.

i think the last one is probably 1st in the list, with attachment 2nd and hope dead last.

Hey stretch... I was wondering where you had disappeared to. I'm glad you checked in.

It's kind of crazy that after everything they put us through, we are still concerned with hurting their feelings... when at the time, they couldn't have cared less about hurting ours...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Webmistress,

What a shock! It was bad that he didn't fess-up & tell you immediately when OW's sister called though. Did he think he could hide it forever?

Anyway, it's good that OC/OW are so far away. R will be easier (if that's what you want), but the CS is still there. Guess you have the waiting game now.

Funny how she was allowed to give OC your fWH's last name w/out him giving consent or DNA testing. That cannot happen in our state, at least I don't think it can. She must be certain it's his, if she went to all the trouble of giving it his name.

One question though...she'd been crying 'wolf' all along from what you though. If she lost one of the twin girls, is this a girl she gave fWH's middle/last name to?

Wonder what her parents thought, since she was hiding pregnancy?

(((Webmistress))) You have a long road ahead....only prayer we can say for you is that OC isn't fWH's child.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There seem to be so few happy endings, when DNA tests come back though.

BMC was pleasantly surprised to find out twins weren't WS's though, even though they'd been raised to believe so.

All we can hope for is a pleasant surprise (or a judge who sees these women for what they are and makes them at least work for 1/2 the child's expenses).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
struggling98
♀ New Member
Member # 30665
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im new...and needing some advice I found out in August that my Husband cheated on me and that the other woman is pregnant with his child. I have been trying to deal with all of this, not doing very well, but we are trying. Now he wants to be in the delivery room to see the birth of his child, we have two of our own and Im not sure what to do tell him. Im not ok with that but it is his child..help?

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: indiana
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn’t get a choice because I didn’t know about the OC at the time, but my WH was in the delivery room, he denied it for years but finally admitted it 7 months ago….
If I had known at the time, I personally would say no to him being in the delivery room. He can have someone call to update him on the status and when it’s time to come see the OC. That is a very intimate moment to be shared and if he is still your H and you plan on keeping it that way…IMO, I don’t think he should be in there.
Again that is just my opinion. I am curious to see what the other ladies will say.
I am so sorry you find yourself here. For what its worth…I cried like a baby when my WH admitted he was in the delivery room….that hurts me so much. I really do think you get a say in the matter.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All we can hope for is a pleasant surprise (or a judge who sees these women for what they are and makes them at least work for 1/2 the child's expenses).

THANK YOU Repeat! I whole heartedly agree. It's awful that OW is actually getting away with this, esp when the guidelines state that both parents are financially responsible, yet only my fwh and the state are the ones actually footing the bills! And I just wanted to thank you again Repeat for your info recently, it was very helpful!

I too will be praying for you webmistress that the OC isn't your H's.

Welcome struggling. (((struggling))) My fwh didn't want anything to do with the OC's birth, so I can't be of much help in regards to that aspect. the OW in our sitch is a nutjob. Have you guys decided to R? Is the OW still in the picture (as far as a relationship?)? Is he remorseful? There are others here who are much more experienced and wise to give you better info/insight. I was pg when OC was born, so my emotions were high and hormones all over the place (but I have ultimately left any contact or relationship with the OC be 100% up to my fwh, it's him who wants NC). No matter which way you guys go, you will always find support here. This forum has been a total God-send for me, and the support here has been absolutely amazing.

It can get a little slow here over the weekend, but many of us do check in!


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you’d never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im new...and needing some advice I found out in August that my Husband cheated on me and that the other woman is pregnant with his child. I have been trying to deal with all of this, not doing very well, but we are trying. Now he wants to be in the delivery room to see the birth of his child, we have two of our own and Im not sure what to do tell him. Im not ok with that but it is his child..help?

I'm sorry you have to go through this - it is one of the worst and most painful things I can imagine.

I would not be okay with it, and if you are not okay with it, you need to communicate that and he needs to respect that if he wants to be with you.

My ex choose OW over me, and did not want to R, so I had no authority to tell him what he could and couldn't do... he was there for the delivery, and that is honestly what made me determine that even if he decided he ever wanted to try to R, I would not be able to do it. Because I would not ever be able to have children with him knowing he was present for OW during OC's birth.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Feb 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Struggling,

fWH wanted to be @hospital w/OW when OC was born. It's likely that he'd have been in the maternity suite (women giving birth & not C-sections get the 2x larger suites @our hospital) with her. I told him that I didn't want him to be, but it was his choice. My reasoning was that being in labor/delivery is for the mom, not the child. The newborn or child up to about 4 years old will have very few childhood memories & certainly none of birth. I told him that maybe he could wait there & when it was born, he could go into the nursery when they clean/diaper/weigh/tag OC to be able to feed & hold OC.

It was just a blessing that OW was so angry w/fWH that she didn't even call when she was in-labor. Her boyfriend (now BH#2) was in the room w/OW when OC was born. Also, OC would've been given fWH's last name, if he'd have been there... since OW never dropped her married name when she D from BH#1, OC was born w/xH's last name & the birth announcement in the paper didn't list fWH as the father!!!! Yes, he was the father, but I didn't think it should be plastered all over the newspapers along w/ILs names & city. OW didn't even know IL's names until when she asked fWH so she could have the city paper announce OC's 1st b-day (along w/fWH's name & IL's names). fWH didn't know about OC's birth until OW/OC were home from hospital & OW called to tell him & ask if/when/where he wanted to see OC. That's when we got the ball rolling about scheduling DNA testing out-of-pocket & not through state. Wouldn't it be nice if DNA testing could be done @hospital the day of birth & gotten back w/in days?

What about IL's, do they know & are they planning on witnessing OC's birth as well?

In my opinion, unless OC is expected to be very ill & might not survive birth or only live a short while afterwards, seeing OC after it comes home or while it's in the nursery (w/out OW) should be just-as-good.

With all the emotional issues I was having, if fWH had been in maternity suite w/OW holding her hand, I think I'd have lost it.

P.S. I'm not quite sure when fWH told IL's about OC, but they certainly knew when I knew. ILs didn't meet/hold OC until the day COM & I met OC after DNA was positive. No need to introduce OC to family, if it wasn't biologically one of the family. ILs had claimed all along they wanted NC w/OC (or OW), but their tune changed the day fWH brought OC home for about 4 hours to meet COM & me (ILs wanted her brought up to their home b4 fWH brought her to meet us). Overnight whole weekend visits commenced the following weekend.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 3:05 PM, January 21st (Friday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry struggling I just read your story in general, and I know for ME, I would have slashed the tires in my fwh's car if he wanted to be with OW for the birth. When my babies were born it was very intimate, very bonding. I'm actually hoping OW was all alone, although I'm sure she invited her friends and family.

(((struggles))) Definitely sit your H down and talk with him about your feelings.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought you’d never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
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