One of the things that makes me feel so much better is watching the two interact when we do have to pick up OC. She is looking up at him, while he's taking OC from her, looking at him with those goo goo cow eyes, while he is like, okay OC let's go to daddy's house and doesn't pay her attention at all, unless she speaks to him. It's so pathetic, really.
You are right BMC, I will treat it as a business deal, thanks for that hint :) She does like to think she has the power and she does right now, the power of the boob since that is what she is basing this on, but OC will get older and he will want to spend more time over here, cause she doesn't cook and is so self centered she barely pays attention to her first child (again without a marriage)
Oh and I did document everything that happened and her lawyer got a copy of it lol. If you want to see it, I can PM it to you. I think that is what kinda turned things around yesterday, I believe she was going to try for supervised visitation at first, then it didn't happen lol.
So, I'm just going to keep on living my life, enjoying my changed hubby, trying to get a little better at accepting OC and posting here. I really don't know if I could have gotten through this without everyone here and your support. Hugs to everyone :)
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
Well, I had to stop in and check out my SI birthday cake today, so I dropped in on this thread and got caught up.
We were on a good run, with almost zero OC drama, when one of OW's "friends" found me on Facebook this week while my FWH was out of town for work. This girl (friend of OW's) is someone I knew 10 years ago, a daughter of a coworker. When I had just gotten pregnant (after the A) I ran into her while shopping and she immediatley went home and found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request. Little did i know, in the years that had lapsed between my knowing her and then, she had become friends with OW. She was very interested in my pregnancy, but I just figured it was because she was pregnant too (she is very young, like, 20, and was a single mom to be). She invited me to the hospital when her child was born, and she came to the hospital when DD was born, took pictures with her phone, etc.
Well, come to find out, she forwarded the pictures from her phone (pictures of my newborn baby and me, having just gone through many hours of labor) to fucking OW! OW posted them on myspace! I of course completely eradicated this person from our life. I didn't even bother to confront her, just dropped her.
So, I get a "friend request" from her from her new FB profile- I just sent her a message saying "You know why we are not friends, thank you, goodbye".
I get this message back in return;
Lmao thats adorable you think that. Obviously your still as immature as ever. I never said a damn thing to ANYONE or forwarded any pix of ur daughter...i have no reason to be shady. So believe what u want. It useless to even try to defend myself against someone whose so arrogant. Im not gonna stoop to ur level. Excuse me for bein a caring friend. I defended u every time [OW] wrote me. An obviously it was for nothing. Ur pathetic. If i wanted to be shady i coukd totally blast ur name i could even give out all ur info yea thats right i could totally fuck u over. I could totally run my mouth bout how u purposely got pregnant to trap [FWH] n got married not cuz u luv him but ru b that shit in [OW]'s face. So stop with ur immature paranpoid bs. Gets old. Have a nice life living a lie.
She then blocked me, of course, so I could not reply (god, why hadn't I blocked her first?!?!) I was so pissed, so hurt. I did so much for this bitch, bought her kid clothes because she had NOTHING when he was born, and she totally betrayed me.
All this time I have spent putting OW and OC in a little room in the back of my mind, and quietly closing the door, just to have it thrown in my face, I wanted to
Well, she is blocked now, and I am trying to recover all over again. Even with "moving on", there are so many setbacks.
FWH is still in touch with his youngest DD (who is still dating OW's brother, as far as we know). She wants to come and visit and meet our DD, but we haven't had the sit down to hash out all that has happened with her, her sisters, and OW (see profile for whole story).
StepD no longer wants to come up here for college, she is going to take a short course at the community college near her mother's house so that she can work in a daycare and "start her career". Gone are her aspirations to go to a university and get a teaching degree and become a teacher. My friend (who is pursuing a teaching degree currently) says she will lucky if stepD makes above minimum wage with the certificate she is after. I am so sad for her. None of my stepDs have lived up to their potential.
Oldest stepD dropped out of community college to become a stripper, married right after her 18th birthday and was divorced and pregnant (by another man) within 6 months. She is now 22 and on her 2nd M, and her second child (not the same fathers) and barely scraping by.
Middle stepD (the one regarded as "most likely to succeed" by FWH's and his XW's families) married right after high school, and works at her husband's family's business as a front desk clerk.
We had high hopes for youngest stepD. Last year she told us how she was looking at all these different colleges, allegedly getting straight As (amazing for someone who got all Fs in middle school), and now she may says she may not go to college is she "gets a job at [retail sporting goods store] like she wants". Really? You are almost 18, and the most you can aspire to is a job at the new retail sporting goods store?
Well, my M is good, at least. MY daughter is exceptional. That is what counts.
I hope you guys find peace. I'll check in with you from time to time, and I always read all the pages and get caught up to what is going on with everyone.
i could have NC if i said the word. in fact, it's all NC now, with no knowledge of what continent the OC is on or if she's ever coming back. unlike you guys' situations, OW wants to contact WH about as much as he wants to hear from her. or at least it appears that way and has for a long, long time. she has said that she fully intends to pursue him for CS, and i can see her ending up on public assistance if she brings the baby back without marrying some other american dude. i can also see her doing that and saying f-off to WH forever.
still, i read what you guys deal with and think, he could get a call anytime, a CS letter, a knock. i suppose he's sort of satisfied with sitting around hoping she never calls again, but i'm just not. i'm also just irked at how easy it is for WH to not care for his other child(ren?). it causes all kinds of emotional and cognitive dissonance in me.
i follow all you guys and my heart hurts for you and your kids. you are mighty strong women.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
But when I think of all that the OW has stolen from my world and my peace of mind and how little care she gives to my feelings or our family, I get nauseated at the thought of laying eyes on her. Each day I wake up and say that I won't let her have any of his attention without me there with him so she has to deal with us as a couple but then the next day, I think, I'll just let him handle that part of his life on his own and turn my self-righteous back on the whole thing with the risk of walking away if things aren't handled in a way I find appropriate.
Besides, if I see her, how will I act. Will I pretend she doesn't exist, will I stare through her or just act disdainful at such a sleazy, low-class tramp, will I scream obsenities at her, will I just vomit or cry? I just don't know, I've never been in so much pain over anything in my life. My FWH feels awful and downright scummy over his stupid decisions. This woman is very savy having been dumped by her WH years ago and taken him to court for CS for their kids. She knows how to play in the courts and my husband just wants to pretend like everything will work out okay if we're all civil. He hasn't been proactive at all.
How can he be so civil to someone who has damaged his wife and his marriage so much? I kind of get it...they jointly did the crime so how can he now turn on his partner in crime since his guilt is even greater having been the one who owed his marriage respect. On the other hand, she knew the pain infidelity causes having been in this situation several times with her ex but I guess she wanted the view from the other side. Even OW are accountable when they know about the marriage. Perhaps she's just lost all respect for marriage even that of a so-called friend. Perhaps she's just that insecure.
She's basically told me that she just didn't think I'd mind because she and her ex had an open marriage. What an unbelievable line of nonsense. I do know my husband doesn't trust her and takes everything she says with caution but at the end of the day, he just wants all the drama to be over sooner than later. I think it's a little late; their soap opera affair started this all. As much as I've wanted to lash out at her (I've already done it several times), it just gives her an excuse to have contact with my FWH to discuss the situation and him to try to calm her down. To control the contact, I have to control myself first but I just haven't figured out how to handle the contact that I know is coming. She has already indicated that only two people made this baby and only two people are parents but she involved me the minute she chose a man in a marriage of two people to become involved with. I'm not in her life now because I want to be here either.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 8:37 AM, September 7th (Wednesday)]
Besides, if I see her, how will I act. Will I pretend she doesn't exist, will I stare through her or just act disdainful at such a sleazy, low-class tramp, will I scream obsenities at her, will I just vomit or cry?
i waffle between thinking i'll suddenly, uncontrollably rip out those cheap ass extensions and bloody her (all i've seen of her is a pic with one eye and her multi-colored cornrows) or just vomit between them the entire time they are talking. or maybe rip out those extensions, bloody her, turn and beat the living crap out of WH, vomit on both of them and flee. (maybe even with OC, she's the innocent here...and little kids have a way of making you fall in love with them regardless.)
btw - the last time i was in a "fist fight" was in 5th grade, we were both on roller skates and it lasted all of 11 seconds at which point we were both on sore butts. IOW, these urges are not the norm for peaceful me.
my WH kept telling me, "i'll handle everything...you won't have to deal with this at all, it's my problem." he has NO idea how unrealistic that is. So far, I made him have his contact with her (paternity results, discussions, etc) alone, mostly because they hate each other. they don't talk on the phone because he can't understand anything she says in her funky accent and english.
the whole thing has just made me queasy for 13 months and he's never even met OC. every meeting he had with OW sent me down the rabbit hole of panic attacks, depression and an inability to function at work or as a mommy to my tiny littlebean. i am such a strong person, the physical part of my reaction has shown me the weaknesses i didn't know i had.
disrespected...i wish you the best of luck. i was feeling all of your feelings as i read your post, queasiness and anxiety, so i can imagine how much more intense it is for you. luckily you have all these wonderful women here who can help you navigate R with an OC. i'm spending all my time trying to get up the nerve to go ahead and file. my S is already done, it's easy paperwork from here when i'm ready.
sigh. this sucks so bad. i can't wait until i can look at these years through the filter of "oh, yeah, that...what a crazy time, so glad i made it and have recovered."
I have given myself the luxury of time instead of cornering myself into any decision while trying to educate myself about my options. It has made me feel free of the pressure but unfortunately I still don't know what I'm doing.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 9:39 PM, January 31st (Monday)]
If he goes back2work, I might insist he get the CS agreement adjusted to account for the alternating whole weeks we'll have OC. It would likely be almost $200/week daycare expenses for the 2 youngest (DS11/OC10) - $100 on weeks we didn't have OC. Only other option would be to let DS14 babysit (or bring OC to work w/me alternating weeks?)....that could be a disaster. Or fWH could maybe go to night/graveyard shift. Uggh! I'm glad he thinks he'd feel up to working @least part-time, but I just don't see it happening. I might have to insist that fWH stick w/the legally-binding visitation agreement (per previously), to alleviate the extra cost of childcare. I think DS14 could manage DS10 @home alone if he had to (likely they'd both sleep all summer long), but not both.
I hate to admit it, but OC's departure on Monday was welcomed. She has been such a snit all last week & weekend. OC & DS11 have been @each others' throats several times. She was impossible to wake up for school. OW got OC a reading light for her bday & I caught her once this week up late reading (reading good/no sleep for school bad). Had to take her b-day clothes shopping per fWH's promise. Poor child is only 10 & wearing juniors19 or girls20(XXL) in shirts & 16plus in girls jeans. I had not seen her undressed in ages. Her stomach is so large that it could pass for pregnancy, but she has tiny birdy legs. I've tried to convince her to eat healthier with me (as I'm on a new health kick right now) and exercise daily, but she won't. OC has physical next Monday...diabetes runs heavy on fWH's side of family. I am really worried that OC will have pre-diabetes or full-blown diabetes.
If we ever decided to D, I think I'd request alternating weeks for COM & OC being w/fWH (until fWH married OW). I just don't think fWH could manage all 3kids for entire weeks.
With our luck, if we went to adjust the CS agreement, OW's 'disability' (whatever it is that's not clearly visible or outwardly apparent), her income is somehow much lower than fWH's (don't know how they figured that in, as she was approaching $75,000/year income b4 she quit managerial positions)...we might just owe her $$$ again. And, heaven help us when she conceives this summer & gives birth next spring. I don't know how much of a CS credit she'll get for a newborn. She should be eligible for free/reduced lunches for OC & sis if she makes that small of $$$ after birth.
My fWH started out good. He always bathed OC when he showered (he'd put her on a tiny net seat & bathe her before he showered and I'd dry her & dress her). But, once he started working 77+ hours weekly, there was no way he could be around w/OC and take care of her needs, when he wasn't even @home for us. When he was home, he was sleeping (graveyard shift). I'd say I had OC alone on weekends (3-4 days/week), more than fWH & OW put together. And, OW's 2nd husband (BH#2) had OC the rest of the time, unless OW's pot-smokin' mother (granny) had her - or some other friend/relative that OW could pawn OC off on for a few hours.
Honestly, having COM in your life is a big change...do these WS think that having visitation w/OC is any different in terms of effort needed to care for the child? OC isn't like a pet you can lock in the bathroom w/food&water and be done w/it. OC is a helpless human being with needs & basic care requirements. Who do you think rocked OC to sleep, when she felt bad & cried? Who do you think doctored/cured her diaper rashes every weekend when OC's mother was too lazy to change diapers when she babysat all week? Who do you think soothed the poor child when she had rashes on her whole body that we cured with oatmeal bath? Think OC was allergic to smoke & OW's mother smoked around her.
Who do you think works hard either in-the-home or @9to5 job, and still ends up with barely enough to scrape by after CS (we were okay on money fortunately except when fWH was on STD after his horrible accident, but some others here won't be)?
Oh, and these temper tantrums, blowups, whatever you want to call them...are perfectly natural. Something horrible happened that changed your whole opinion of fWH and also your way of life. Be angry about it. You didn't cause it! You have the right to feel this way. If you can, seek IC. If not, come here & PM or rant about how things are going. None of this will be easy & don't feel bad if you keep thinking "i'm gonna D him/her" and you don't. Unless you really thought your M was headed for D pre-Dday, you have been completely blindsided by this & even though you hate what fWH has done & the circumstances, your LOVE for fWH is likely still there.
My fwh was...quiet about it. He doesn't want me involved because he doesn't want me to lose my shit. Well, we are a dollar short and a day late for that mess. I'm involved because damnit It's MY health insurance!!!
Give me a few and I will post it here...warning it is LONG.
***Removed the letter since I sent it and she has received it!
[My goal was to have a little snark added (I had to remove a LOT of snark), rub it in her face that we are a family, to show a disconnect with her, to remind her she's an unemployed bum on welfare, be informative so she can't say that we didn't tell her things or she didn't know, AND to be DRY. Oh and to show her how super cool and smart I am. I wrote this all myself in a matter of about 30 minutes.
Let me know what you think! Since I'm still waiting on the cards I'm holding off on sending it until then. When I do send it, it will be certified mail.
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 3:35 PM, February 16th (Wednesday)]
Love the letter :) You sound so professional & business-like.
If your company provides a Statement of Benefits (or one can be provided as print-out from the insurance's website), I'd copy that for OW. Since OC is covered under our family plan (which we switched to a few years ago when fWH's healthplan went to high deductible/HSA plans), I also have to provide this info annually to OW. Unfortunately, OW has neglected for the past 2 years to provide a physical or vaccination review by physician. We decided 2 years ago to ask OW to move OC's PCP to the one that fWH & I had to move COM to (when their former physician who also provided for ADHD care retired). It took almost 2 years for OC's birth-2008 PCP to send records, but she finally has a physical on 2/7. fWH and I are taking her. Normally, I'd be the one to take OC, but they said even though my name was on the medical benefits, they needed copy of fWH's driver's license for their records.
FOLKS DEALING WITH OC AT PHYSICIAN:
Make sure that IF you (any stepparent) plan on taking OC to physician at any point in time, make sure fWH signs a release at the PCP saying you can make medical decisions for child. New HIPPA laws might not allow you to take OC to physician alone otherwise. This is very important in an emergency situation, if you are ever alone w/OC and he/she needs to go to ER. Might even keep something on-hand with you for such event until fWH/OW can arrive @ER to assist you (wouldn't have known this, except OC needed stitches on her bumm due to a shower fall & it was even difficult with fWH around to get OC treated without OW around for such an odd-ball injury w/out people thinking we were deviant perverts). OC PCP @time even offered to OW to help get us prosecuted for child abuse.
THANK YOU Repeat for the info! I actually have to call for that info because the info I need for her to find a Dr. isn't available online (the page isn't working). My fwh thinks she is going to shit a purple twinkie Ooooh I hope she gets pissy, because there is NOTHING she can do
I'd like to think all those Business writing classes I took didn't go to waste LOL! Plus I want her to see she's dealing with a professional, classy, educated (did I mention beautiful?!?) WOMAN. That I'm not going to take her shit and I'm NOT going to let her think that I'm just sitting quietly and not saying anything.
all of the above accomplished...with flourish!
I inadvertenly opened an envelope I found @home with note on outside "for MRS. fWH." I thought it was something for me since it was on MY kitchen counter, as I'd been fWH's wife for many-many years. It was actually newborn pics for MIL, of OC...sent by OW's mother when fWH picked OC up @her home. I suspect that @time, they didn't even know MIL's first name...they forgot that MIL & I are both MRS. XXXXX.
On an odd note, when fWH was paralyzed...OW verified w/fWH that I would indeed be present when OC stayed overnights w/us. HMMM. OW actually wanted me around OC. We started overnights only something like 1 week after fWH got out of hospital (6wks stay in ICU then rehab). No matter how much she likely hates me, I believe OW knows that I take care of OC fairly well.
To everyone going through this, it's a special kind of hell at times. Contact or No Contact with OC. Right now we are dealing with OW who is kinda playing a control game. She wants H to have to contact her a lot to discuss the three or four visits a week that he gets. It's like she wants him to have to contact her, like she gets off on it. I guess she pretends he's contacting her to get in touch with her or something. Also, I believe she is playing on his growing feelings for OC to make him choose in the future. Life with me and COM or life with her and OC. She forgets that he made that choice when he ended the A and knew she was pg. Believe me, I have watched them together with OC on drop offs and pickups, trying to see if there is anything with H and her. He is good, i'm loving it with watching him. He's loving with OC and only speaks to OW when spoken to. OW, on the other hand, is still in love with H. She shows it in every drop off and pick up. She thinks she can get through him with sex, always mentioning breastfeeding and her boobs in relation to breastfeeding. It's sad, really lol.
Anyway, good luck to anyone considering your H having contact with a new baby. It's like I'm torn between not wanting to be there when they exchange the child so I dont have to see them together, but then again, I would be miserable if I wasn't there so I could see what goes on. OW really doesn't want me there lol.
Just some rambling thoughts about OW and OC as of late. We are snowed in right now, I'm enjoying the break from seeing OW and OC :)
This IS a special type of hell, and we are NC. Because even as NC as you want to be there's still C involved. Luckily OW doesn't constantly contact us, but that's only because fwh had the cops talk to her last summer when she was harrassing him. I think the shit is going to hit the fan when she gets that letter and I don't care. This is the way the game is played.
I got some good infor from a step parenting website, believe it or not! For those who are C, you may want to check it out. So far to my knowledge I am the only 1 there with this OC situation! But its good info to hear of others issues and I learned some good tips writing this letter. I believe its called steptalk.org. because think about even with NC I'm still the stepmother!
Thanks again for reading!
I thought about your letter last night. I was wondering, does your health ins. have restrictions on ER visits. In our state, there was a rash of people visiting ERs for ear infections, colds, flu, & non-emergency situations. Our policy has a write-in that it won't cover non-emergency ER visits (giving some examples of non emergencies - including breaks/spains). They figure unless PCP sees you first or you call PCP and they tell you to go to ER (unless it's obviously ER situation), that they can keep costs down. They also upped the ER copay to $200 (which is waived if you are admitted & then you owe 20% hospital cost after you meet deductible).
I just wondered if OW would try & cost you more, by taking OC to ER when not necessary.
Well, if your policy mentions anything like that, you might consider adding a paragraph about it. It could end up a heafty cost on your parts (OW & fWH's) otherwise.
I know OW in our situation rarely takes OC to Dr., so we set up an account @Walgreens Clinic for ear infections & strep testing anyway, just until we could get OC in w/our normal pediatrician (after OW quit taking OC to one). OC has been taken there 2x by us (swimmer's ear & allergic rash) & once by OW (strep). OW takes OC to the health dept. for flu shots (so she doesn't have a copay) & keeps her out-of-school over 1/2 a day each year, when she could've taken her to Walgreens or a real PCP and taken <1 hour likely.
If OC has medical issues, hope there's no lifetime max on your policy.