welcome. i'm sorry. there are so many wonderful people here to help you through this. it's a long road but it's survivable. this place will make your path so much more clear...though clarity is definitely not plentiful in the process.
someone else will jump in, i know, with a great list of first things to do. i just wanted to offer my support and let you know you are not alone, your story is nothing to be ashamed of, and you are in the right place for all the wrong reasons.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
i read your profile and i'm devastated for you - i had my first dd, 10 months old, when i found out she had a half sister only 8 months younger. it's so hard when you are supposed to be so happy with your new littlebean.
my WH and i are S, he and OW/OC are not in contact, OC probably isn't even in the US...so my advice leans toward the "cut and run" direction, even though my WH would really like me to try R. i'm only close with him or considered a thing because we have a tiny DD and he's trying so hard.
that said, you can't do much before the baby is born except lawyer-up. they'll give you better advice than me, but basically:
3) when it's born, you MUST do DNA testing.
4) until DNA testing is done, it's my understanding that WH shouldn't give her a penny (but should likely keep some savings aside for eventual back payments)
5) even if you plan on R'ing with your WH right now, you need to file for CS for your current children. in most states, if OW files for CS before you (like if you left later down the road), she would get dibs on his money. Whoever files first gets most, no matter that it's an OC vs COM.
mostly, get support for yourself, get a counselor for you. if you are going to R, you need to set serious rules for your WH...even if he hates her now, 18 years is a long time to remember why they "bonded" in the first place. you need to know he's serious and upfront with you...they hardly ever are, even during their most sincere "apologies." be careful with your heart and your little ones right now.
best of luck, someone will give you better advice here than me.
If you R, must set good boundaries, do everything legal so you & fWH don't feel obligated to kiss OW's butt for visitation & so OW knows this is a business deal, OW's not part of your family (only OC can be that, if desired). No sense in being too friendly w/OW...she's standing behind you, ready to stab u in the back. Either for LOVE of fWH, or for the CS $$$ she feels entitled to.
Sorry you are here...pray that the DNA isn't positive, if she isn't in hiding.
Kick fWH's a$$, if you want to. Just kiddin'.
Certainly seek IC, if it's affordable...really makes a world of different.
post here so we can give u 2x4s, or lead you to some alternate possibilities you might not have thought of.
and of course, we're here w/hugs too. Some other parts of SI are black&white (if OW has OC, leave-leave-leave)....it's not always so easy to choose when love, COM, finances, & health might come into play in your decicions.
Thank repeat! If you look back on Pg. 3 of this thread, you will find the OC handbook that I like to post for new members and all of us really as some good points and actions to take. First thing, DNA test. Lawyer up and then have contact go thru lawyer until after birth and DNA test.
You will make it thru this. ((Hugs))
We will be here for you!
Wish us luck Monday. OC has 1st PCP appt at our pediatrician (been 2 years since she saw a real PCP). Afraid she might have diabetes or pre-diabetes & possibly need referal to ENT specialist (she's failed 2 hearing tests @school on one ear - when OC was smoked around a lot as child, she kept infection which might've permanently damaged hearing). Want to get her in for allergist appt also, if PCP agrees with us.
Unfortunately, one of us will have to call OW after the appt. I prefer we use my office phone/conference call feature for a 3-way call, so I can relay the medical info incase fWH forgets and she won't be getting off-subject, flirting w/fWH. I hope OW doesn't want to go with us to appointment (maybe I won't tell her when it is)! Yuck! OC's new PCP is her former Sunday school teacher at our old church (really trust her, so know she'll be a great PCP). How awkward would that be? I was her volunteer assistant SS teacher, before I decided to go to another church & I left on very good terms w/her from what I can tell.
I'll try & post Monday or Tuesday about how the appt & OW contact goes. We're obligated by court order to tell OW about the appt, so no getting out of it.
Wish we could post sound clips. When fWH & OW were going through all the hoopla about OW not signing the papers like she promised, we kept a recorder on one phone. OW was boo-hooing about "how hard all this is for her," I'm assuming the crawling back to BH#2 (begging him to take her back) and the NC w/fWH after the breakup after A#3 (one day prior to D-day#3). How she was glad that OC had fWH & that she was a fatherless child & blahblahblah (KISA fishing much?). I'm a fatherless child & you don't see me falling in-love & bedding another woman's husband, with intention of breaking up their marriage and agreeing w/fWH to conceive a love-child!!! Such nonsense...wish you could hear all the mind games coming out of her mouth. Think this was the first time OW realized that this D-day was different & I meant business about NC w/OW.
Well, anyway. It serves no purpose to be 'just friends' with OW....be polite around OC during pickups/dropoffs or @social events if you MUST speak to OW, but neither of you should go above & beyond any niceness more than you would of someone attempting a hostile takeover of your company! And, smile pretty for the judge & look smokin' hot everytime OW sees you.
@ Repeat I always look smokin hot when she sees me lol. My WH told me that one time I came in to their work and she had never seen me. Everyone was telling him how pretty I was and she got so upset she stomped off. lol I love it.
[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 4:09 PM, February 3rd (Thursday)]
Repeat I hope everything goes well. I had a student who recently graduated who had diabetes, and it was quite difficult for her to be around everyone else who didn't eat healthy. Oh and she had asthma, most likely caused by her mom smoking 2 packs a day.
My fwh talked with his social worker from CS, and OW will be hauling fwh to court for the arrears since his spreadsheet doesn't match hers. Also, found out the CS dept doesn't handle the bonus money, and rec. We pay her direct! Wtf?! No way! Fwh is concerned that she will take the money and then claim she didn't get it, its why he wanted everything to go thru the state cs office. So when he goes to court he will get it straightened out. Right now OW's % is in a savings acct, and we will keep whatever interest collects :) he doesn't want to send a check so she has his account #, but he doesn't want to send a money order that cannot be traced. Annoying.
I told fwh I'm tired of him playing defense, and that we need to take offense. We are going to chat this weekend. Good thing about the arrears is that it HAS to go to court before any action is taken, so that's good. So she can't claim something insane without it going to court first and a judge puts in an order for it. But we will just pay it all off lump sum. Turns out there is no record of OW taking out cash welfare benefits, which means she will get the lump sum $, all of it. But we will still call the food stamp office anyway and let them know. Also, this means she def had another way of getting $, and we need to get to the bottom of it. Because it appears she has some type of unreported income, and fwh really thinks she may be dealing drugs or working under the table.
Again, you are safe here (((trying))) and whether you go C or NC, you will not be judged here.
One suggestion about paying the bonus $. When I didn't want OW to have our bank account #s, I used postal money orders (which do have a tracking # on them through the postal service - not sure how they track if it's lost or something). Since we continued to pay OW directly (verbal instead of legal agreement), I set up a new vendor on our bank's bill-pay service. About 1 week b4 1st of month, I had it set up to automatically send OW a check (even if it's not electronic payments, our bank does paper checks & guarantees delivery by certain date). Once, OW's check didn't get there on-time & the bank tracked it for me. Instead of using her home mail, she was using the post office & I suppose she hadn't paid her box fee as they returned her mail as 'no occupant'....like there could be no occupant at a PO box unless they hadn't paid?
Anyway. Autopay through bank or postal money order seemed to give me more comfort. I always made copy of the money order b4 we gave it to her, incase she claimed back CS if she ever sued for it & we'd have proof. If using the bank's system of billpay (or even your billpay system through a credit card), they would be able to track if it had been cashed....if she claimed she didn't get it, the bank could start the process of a fraud investigation & reissue her a new check if it indeed was stolen or something from her mailbox. If you send money order, you could have it sent through mail with signature receipt or spend the extra on FedEX letter pack w/signature.
When fWH finally got everything through the courts (OC was already 8 & they'd had verbal agreement about CS/visitation all her life), I'd gotten tired of driving 20 minutes to get OC (like I'd done when I was the sole pickup). During A#3, fWH & OW had done pickups @local park so they could sit & flirt/hug (5min from both homes).
A condition of R#3 w/fWH this time was that he be NC w/OW as much as-possible. fWH & OW somehow didn't want me around BH#2 (he & I'd done majority of PU/DO's before fWH's 3rd A - since fWH got hurt). Anyway, we stipulated the place of pickup (by name & location description), that OW must be at every pickup/dropoff unless pre-arranged 24-hours in advance & needed 24-hr notice of change of location also. Seems to work well for us. Now that OC does alternating weeks, I don't have to see OW @all unless we need to exchange OC on a Monday (holiday or OC illness or no-school). I'll see her more during summer months (every Monday), but that's much better than the daily (M-Th) we'd been doing b4.
Honestly, I don't really have complete control over what fWH does concerning OW, but I hope that his seemingly honest & heartfelt begging & pleading for R (and declaring undying love) really meant something. I still don't think I can convince fWH that OW is a bad person, but I do think he realizes how completely idiotic she behaved toward me (disrespected me in public @ballgames).
I just thought of a little white lie, you guys could use if OW is behaving badly & brushing up against fWH during pickups of OC. Make fWH stay in-car and BS get out of car to get OC out of OW's vehicle. You could tell OW that fWH is sick & does not want OC to get ill, but that YOU will be more than happy to take care of OC during it's daily visit....would that work? Or would OW just shut the door & speed off? Or, you could put fWH in a huge parka with toboggan on so her womanly ways/touching aren't even noticed by fWH!
Also, found out OC was added to my insurance TODAY! This means the card is on it's way, and I can send my letter! WHY am I excited over this?!? LOL! Ok, so should I have fwh send her a text that the insurance card is on it's way, or should we just SURPRISE her when it comes in the mail. I'm afraid that even if we send it certified she will sign for it and then toss it in the trash. Guess she could do that either way, huh? But I KNOW she will be LIVID that we were able to add the OC on anyway! Remember she refused to give us the info we needed and my HR was able to add OC on anyway! She's probably thinking ha ha ha we couldn't add OC but HA HA HA we DID! Ohhh and I can't WAIT to call the state aid office and let them know they can take him off of state health care LOL! Repeat, I have a "cadillac plan" and even if the kid is sickly we are all set. I just want her to see SHE DOES NOT HAVE ALL THE POWER SHE THINKS SHE DOES. That's the ONLY reason I have for "glee" although seeing the kid's name between my son and my daughter (he's younger than my son but older than my daughter) did make me puke in my mouth a little . ONce I get the card in the mail, the battle is on. So, should fwh notify her ahead of time or what?!?
(((feelingbipolar))) We are NC so I dont have too much to offer other than hugs. We did discuss visitation 1X a month to ensure OC is ok, it would be with me present at a mutual spot in public halfway between our homes,def not at her house and most def not at ours. We havent proposed this to her yet. But I told fwh it has to be about WE. Like I will be at the next court date, no doubt.
this whole day just sucks. so many kinds of triggery things.
I know how you feel.
My Stbx and I were trying to get pregnant with our first when he began the A.
Whore got pregnant on purpose...I miscarried. It isn't fair. I feel like I will never have my own kids now....
I know you love your boys...just hold them and keep them close.
filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011