(((Hugs to everyone))). This all sucks no matter if we have kids, boys, girls, etc. It all just SUCKS :(
finesse is living my actual worst fear. i try to imagine what i would have done if we hadn't been able to get pregnant, or if something had happened along the way and i didn't have healthy DD. all i can imagine is tearing his face to shreds (literally) and then going into total self-destruct mode. i certainly have those tendencies and i'm so impressed and glad for finesse that you've made it alive through this...and are not in jail for murder.
i have to admit i am relieved OW had a girl. in my mind (and this is awful), it's 'just another girl' - mine's still his first, and she didn't give him a son for him to wonder and pine over. she's still a distant, distant second in every category for me. i don't know why that helps but every little bit does.
i don't have anything to tell you that can ease this pain for you other than you aren't alone, you aren't crazy, you aren't a bad person, you aren't anything but wonderful and grieving all the weird things none of us could have guessed were part of the big bag o M we bought into. and that it will pass, eventually.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
(((Trying))) you WILL be the queen! I have a friend with 3 boys also and she had a hard time adjusting to being done and no girl (her husband has a girl from a previous relationship), but her boys love their momma! Plus that daughter causes some serious family drama. My class I teach is mostly girls; give me a class of boys anyday! Seriously I listen to my female students and wonder what the hell I have gotten myself into!
(((Finesse))) you are amazing hun.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 8:32 AM, September 7th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 5:46 PM, September 16th (Friday)]
OC didn't call fWH all week so fWH left msg & she never called....I had to text OW for OC to call him. I don't know what's going on in OC's head, but I feel a storm brewing. fWH thinks that because OW runs-roads & blows $$$ (basically OC's $$$), that eventually OC will request to not see fWH anymore. Who knows. Week has been somewhat better w/out OC around. Today starts OC's week w/fWH. Monday is Valentine's Day! OW has OC that night...guess her alone time w/BH#2 won't happen :) I just hate that having OC in the picture, limits OW's free time...don't you?
I sometimes wonder if OW is reading SI posts...hope not.
Anyway....I beat OW to the punch. I called her & told her about appt & what doctor said. I figured she'd call fWH b4 I got home from work otherwise. Hopefully, this eliminated the need for OW to call him. She was quite polite & said thank you for calling.
Luckily, even though OC is quite heavy for her age, she is not pre-diabetic or diabetic (urine testing).
At least now, OW can take OC to Dr. if she needs it & for flu shots (instead of making her miss 1/2-day of school each year).
OC has referrals to hematologist (genetic testing to see if she carries the same gene fWH has that makes him predisposed for clots - he is on blood thinners), dermatologist (get mole checked she had removed as infant), & allergist (DS11 has severe allergies/borderline asthmatic & OC has frequent runny nose so want her checked also). Allergist soon, but others during summer. OC's hearing was fine also....which she had a lot of infant ear infections from smokers around, so we were wondering about it since she failed school hearing exam last year.
I was nervous/jittery to speak w/OW, but I was all professional. Told her what testing was done & what results etc. I'm so glad OW didn't show up @appt....I might've died.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:24 PM, February 7th (Monday)]
Anyway. They saw a 3D movie so it was $45 (which they could've seen a cheaper movie w/more girls)...
OW told OC that she's giving her the new car she has when she starts driving...okay, does that mean that OC's $$$ will pay off the car that OW drives now & also help buy a 2nd new car for OW in 6 years? Pathetic.
Oh...a little jab @OW at Dr. office....they asked if OC's family has "mental illness" in her family. Of course, I've had depression also before (nothing really to laugh about generally)....but I just couldn't help having it put down for OW's side of family as OW being 'mentally ill' and having to clarify that as 'depression.' I know, petty on my part...but, oh well.
as for me, i filed this weekend. between TT, OC, ADHD and everything else, it's just too much. i don't want my whole DDs life to be with a sad, frustrated and angry mom. i'm calling it like it is, i can't be the person i want to be in R. he's all over SI again today, naturally. this is his pattern. i can't take it anymore.
thanks to everyone all these months. it's not over yet, but i believe it will be.
Good luck with your decision. I can certainly understand it and have thought about that option myself. If my husband wasn't being so patient, supporting and loving I'd be right there with you. I don't yet know where my life is going. I'm not sure if any decision will make me happy these days. I will continue on until I get a better feel for what I need. In the meantime I'm going through the motions of acting normal for the sake of my daughter and my job.
My FWH is now in the middle of telling family and I'm already getting sick thinking of all the pity glances and words of comfort from people who have no idea of how I feel. People who will go home at the end of the day to their own peaceful life with the thought that their husband would never do that to them. Still it is somewhat comforting to know that's not a big secret anymore.
I hope you find relief in having a new constructive direction in your life. You've given yourself the gift of dignity at least.
he's made a show of patience and remorse, off and on...most of the "on" occuring when i would force NC and not talk to him for a few days. basically once he stopped his secret wallowing he started doing "just enough" to be useful and transparent but still make me crazy (think manchild.) he had a state mandated year before we could D, and while he did some things right, it's not enough. he's back to heroics now but only because i filed.
at this point, my only choice is D. i can't live with what i have and it's my WH's only shot at ever fixing himself. he can't do it around me. that's what he's taught me. he can't/won't focus and do the selfwork that has to be done to get through this while with me.
he appears to be doing it now, for 2 days or so now. good for him. and DD. and OC one day maybe. and for me too because its better than dealing with an asshole...but i'm beat.
Dday was 1/14/2011. This is still very new to me being it's only been a couple of weeks, but I immediately knew that I would not resent the child. My grandmother went through something similar in the 70s and treated the kids as if they were her very own. My family nor my husband's (with the exception of his mother) has no idea what we're currently dealing with. We have decided to visit both family's in a few months and break the news. We both have very loving, understanding and supportive families. We know that we have control over the situation and don't want to keep it hidden forever. I have seen the OC and she's a beautiful angel, even resembles my deceased mother. At first meeting, I was very anxious but we instantly clicked (she's 2 1/2). Right from the start she touch my heart! I have placed a picture of her in our bedroom to remind me that this is reality and not a dream. I've concluded that how we deal with this situation is completely up to us and NO ONE else! I know people will talk behind our backs, but the choice to stay and work on the marriage day by day is mine alone to make.
I admire how you are handling the matter by maintaining an optimistic and positive attitude and remaining dignified. I love the statement, "I am not a victim of infidelity, I am a survivor." This is not the end of the world for this to shall pass.
I read your profile. I just don't know what I'd do in your situation. BMC's situation is similar to yours, except OC was much older when she found out & there was possibly 3 OC in her case (which turned out there was really only one). And, BMC is raising OW's twins that weren't OC.
I always wonder if the way things were for you, is how fWH/OW planned them for OC. That he have a 2nd family & lots of sneaking around. I don't know why he chose to tell me or what he thought he'd do once OW conceived their planned OC.
I feel like you are in shock. That it will hit you one day & you completely break down. I recommend seeking IC before that happens. Maybe the waiting & such on OC's birth wasn't there for you, but I don't think the anger/grieving phase of discover has hit yet with full-force.
I know your fWH is likely positive OC is his, but is there DNA & CS/custody records etc? OC impacts lots of things in the event of fWH's death (even if you have both names on deeds, OC can inherit a portion of the property if your deeds aren't in order). Many know this story, but my mom was widowed & she found out since he didn't have a will, that since his name was on the deed w/my mom's that all his heirs (mom + her 2 SSs) shared his 1/2 of deed. Basically, each son are 1/6th owners of the primary residence that mom & husband had bought together and she got an additional 1/6th. The same for another property they owned together. If he'd had will that gave her his share, the land/homes would be in probate for 1 year after death. Mom's lawyer said the only way to keep from probate, is if their deed HAD a survivorship clause (basically states whoever survives on deed inherits remainder % automatically). We still don't have that added to our deeds, but unfortunately, fWH's 50% of the deed would be split 4-ways (me, DS14, DS11, OC10)...basically that OC (OW being her guardian & in charge of it until OC is 18) would get 1/8th of our marital home unless we fix the papers right away.
What I'm saying is, you need to get your house in-order now. Protect yourself & any rightful heirs he chooses to inherit things, if you don't want OW being part-owner for 16 more years!
Another tidbit, mom's 2xSSs credit scores come into play when she refinances mortgages too now! She was only able to get SSs to sign quit-claim on smaller value property (rental 2BR home), but not on the 2+ acre w/brick rancher & block workshop/garage addon.
I have this fear that fWH will pass away & OW (being always in-debt) will get a lawyer that forces us to do a sale of the property to get her $$$ out of it (well, OC's $$$ out of it that she'll use up). This is property that ILs deeded us & it would kill ILs if we had to sale it.
Another bad thing, if OW gets really pissed, she can sue for back CS. There's no proof likely that he's provided for OC's needs, so she could basically go into court & deny he's had any involvement financially w/OC.
Did he go through courts & keep you from knowing? I didn't see anything in your profile that says that.
To all of us that are especially hurt by the sex of the OC, I know that it can be very painful if you wanted a girl and the OW has the girl or the same with a boy. However, don't dwell on that. What really helped me was to focus on the fact that my children were conceived in love and not part of a little fantasy or an A.
Sol-Sista I have to commend you for stepping up and embracing the OC which is a very difficult situation. Again let me state that no matter which way we decide to go, you have to do what is right for you and your family, whether it is NC, contact, partial custody, or in my case full custody. You have to live your life and at the end of the day, it is what you can live with.
((stretch)), as painful as it is I am glad that you have made a decision for yourself. I posted on your H thread months ago and I thought he was sincere, but now I see that he only ask for help in getting you to change your mind, and not really addressing his own issues. I hope you both get the peace that you are seeking even if it is not together.
((repeat)) the OW in your life is just a full time job, I don't know how you do it everyday. Hugs to you.
OC said her mom asked why fWH hadn't set OC up a savings account yet. Hmmm. OW gets all of OC's $800/month SS disability benefits from fWH's disability (plus the lump sum backpay in Feb2010). I suppose she thinks she should spend all of OC's $$$, and then fWH is supposed to be saving $$$ for OC too? Just trying to make OC think that fWH is doing something for COM and that OC is lesser child. If fWH had still been receiving OC's checks (representive payee), we'd have set OC up an account also (with both fWH & myself being over it until she's 18). Her mom thought OC should put her b-day/Christmas $$$ in there and not spend it. Hmmm. Honestly. She's kiddin', right?
I know it's stupid stuff, but all these little things just add up to OW still trying to make fWH & me look bad.
What really helped me was to focus on the fact that my children were conceived in love and not part of a little fantasy or an A.
Bmc, thank you for saying this. This statement alone gives me strength everyday. I know I will be able to tell my children they were very much wanted by both of us, that they were conceived in love. OW can NEVER say that.
Welcome sol sista. I agree with bmc, contact, no contact, everything in between...all are accepted and not judged here!
Repeat has some very good info, and honestly has taught me things (especially legal things) that I had no idea existed or would have thought about. We have made sure to take my fwh's name off of things and either put it in mine or his sister's name. Hopefully next month we will have the extra $ to change our wills (he wants OC excluded, his decision not mine).
(((Stretch))) you do what is right for you. We are always here for you.
I will be back on later. Still waiting on the insurance card...starting to get impatient but it is on the way to our house!