(((Trying)))) It hurt me to find out OC was a boy, I wanted a little brother for COM and I did not have the 1st even if I did give him another one, but I am thankful that OC was not a girl now. It's still hard sometimes, especially since COM was diagnosed as autistic and OC is so far neurotypical, but I tell myself that God knew I could handle a special needs child and that OW can barely handle OC now and I wouldn't trade my COM for anything!
(((Disrepected))) The angerand the emotional rollercoaster happens. I think it is easier to be angry at OW because they don't mean anything to us like a H. M or committed relationship makes us a team, "one flesh" binds us and I for one cannot fathom how anyone would try to break up a family.
Our whole family had the flu this weekend, FWH had it since Tues so OC has not been here since last Mon. OW thinks that only good FWH is as babysitter so she has been dropping comments like "don't forget you have a son who misses you" and "OC has been driving me crazy, I need a break". This makes FWH feel extremely guilty (for OC) and beat himself up, but I pointed out that OW would just b*tch that OC caught the flu if H got him. THe only thing that irked me was she sent a text asking "how our princess (COM was doing" since we all went to Dr. H thought it was a dig at H supposedly favoring COM over OC. I was mad because that is MY princess and she has no ownership of her whatsoever, married to uncle or not! She always makes comments that COM is favored by IL's and H. We can't make IL's treat OW's 3 kids the same as COM. They took care of COM since she was 10 wks old, when I went back to work. They like her more than H! It all goes back to her being immature and selfish. I do feel bad for OC, he doesn't get a break from their craziness.
[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 6:40 PM, February 8th (Tuesday)]
you are behaving as normally as anyone ever does inside the swirl of this crazymaker.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
I noticed that I would get really sad/upset just a few days before aunt flo would come visit. Not that I was fine the rest of the time - just that I could hold it together better then. :) So you may feel like you are taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back sometimes, but you are making forward progress.
Thanks for the advice but Custody/Child Support/Medical/DNA issues have all been resolved. We're in the process of re-working will and life insurance policies. Of course, I'm still in shock a little but with constant communication about the affair/OC helps me to keep it all in perspective. Trust me I was angry and am still but I've never, despite whatever has happened in my life, allowed anger to control me. I've lived, I learned that harboring anger/resentment only brings depression and sickness. At the moment I feel strong, optimistic and hopeful. Perhaps breakdown will all come when we start MC in a few months, but for now I'm going to enjoy the moment. Betrayal/infidelity hurts like hell! We've all got to continuously work on ourselves mentally and physically and not allow the hurt and pain to overwhelm us.
Taking things day by day...
We are all different and handle things differently so don't EVER think that you should be like anyone else. This is your own personal healing journey! Go ahead and cry, scream, curse and punch (pillows or couch only :) everyday if you have to but please try to find some time in the day to focus on healing. Something that I had to do was "find the pot of gold", meaning find something, no matter how big or small about your day that you're grateful for. Today for me it was hearing news about a potential job promotion, yesterday it was something as simple as having great adult conversation with my 20 yr old son.
It's going to be hard with us telling our family, friends and others about the OC but I'd rather have control over this aspect of things rather than someone else, plus the truth will come out eventually. Take a little time to love YOU more, please don't allow this to swallow you up. Whether the relationship works out or not you still have your beautiful kids who love you unconditionally.
I'm pulling for you my sista!
i was wondering how you are doing today. i had (have) days where my goal is just to survive it and keep my kid alive and cared for too. one foot in front of the other until some time passes. my dday was 19 Dec 2009 and i remember looking at 2010 and wanting to fast forward, or escape it...i didn't want to live through that year i knew would be so full of grief.
it's 2011. i'm here! i made it, and like usual, parts of 2010 snuck up on me and sometimes right by. i feel better and stronger (not grrreat, but ok.) it will pass, the feelings, the time they take to sort through. just take that next breath and go easy on yourself for a while.
and feel free to PM me anytime. use SI as much as you need to.
[This message edited by stretch13 at 7:25 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]
I was there too. B4 OC was born. I was a mess. I had a new baby & toddler @home and fWH was on graveyard shift. I'd get done what HAD to be done (basic needs met), but I wasn't enjoying DS11's first year after I found out OW was pregnant. I only have a few blissful months of being a mom to two wonderful sons, before my world crashed. I got so badly depressed, that I could hardly function @home or @work. I had to seek IC for my own sanity & for COM's wellbeing.
I hope things get better. It took me a long time before I didn't have crying spells or want to crash/sleep like the dead.
Want2bok: yes, PMS is the worst time to be around me & my OC/OW issues. My major blow-ups (yelling @fWH about OC's impending birth or OW's behavior) tended to be during that time. In the aftermath of A#3, I had heaving/crying spells during PMS. Couldn't sleep @night, just stayed up crying & crying so hard my chest ached.
My Dr. had to put me on ADs around OC's 1st b-day (stayed on them for about 6 months). I didn't go back to IC, but OC's b-day & antiversaries can still send me into depression.
I guess, for me, the pain of knowing fWH still loved OW off&on for almost 10 years...and that he chose to give her OC while still acting like my husband & having newborn w/me, just seems insane. I guess I try too hard figure out WHY someone thinks a certain way, or behaves a certain way...when it's illogical, just torments me. I hear what he says "I wanted to make OW happy by giving her OC," but I cannot figure out why making OW happy, became so important (as we'd just R#1 and conceived DS11 in-love, or so I thought it was a mutual feeling). fWH had it all...even though the M wasn't perfect, it was far from horrid.
Rollercoaster....the ride from hell. Only way to describe it.
We have a new hire starting Monday. I found out that this admin assistant worked @same place as OW's BH#2 several years ago & were coworkers several years. Why do I dread this? I just have this worry that BH#2/OW might've been friends w/this woman & maybe still are. Like OC being a spy for OW in my home isn't enough...now I might have a spy @work too. What'll OW find out about me & will OW find it necessary to break NC to share any office gossip? On occasion, I have been known to seek comfort in discussing my problems w/female coworkers (many male coworkers know about my issues also, as we have been coworkers with most the staff for >10 years). All I can hope for, is that this woman is not a friend of OW/BH#2, thus eliminating the issue altogether.
I have pics of our family (including OC) in my office. What if this woman sees it & puts 2&2 together and even contacts OW out-of-blue?
Is there nowhere I'm safe from OW???
yes, PMS makes this spin in my head, blow up, i get depressed, etc. i now take my BCP religiously, even though i'm not having sex, because i consider it one of my Anti-Ds because it at leasts softens the PMS (i believe i have PMDD, suicidal, etc when i'm not on BCP).
trying - you don't have to decide anything right now. and if this is a dealbreaker for you that's ok. and if you take a year or two to decide it's a dealbreaker, that's ok. if you say it's a dealbreaker but still daydream that a few years down the road maybe something will be possible...then you are just like most of us that force ourselves to separate...and..you guessed it...that's ok. i spent a lot of time knowing i couldn't commit to R but wasn't ready for D. limbo.
sometimes deciding not to decide for a while can be a real relief. i had a statutory year of separation before i could file, so i decided not to decide in that time unless WH forced my hand by continuing affair, ratcheting up the drinking, etc. or magically inspired me to feel like R was possible. neither happened. it's been 14 months. i filed sunday. i was right from the start when i thought this was probably a dealbreaker for me, i just had to prove it to myself satisfactorily.
I don't know, even though fWH half-hearted apologized for A#1/A#2, he's not remorseful about having OC. And, now that OW is a Christian, I almost expect her to beg & plead for my forgiveness for everything she's done to me personally & my COM's lives & our M. I know it's stupid, but I harbor so much hatred, that it is eating me up inside, like a rotten apple being consumed from the inside out.
Wonder if the fact that Valentine's Day is Monday & I always feel this stress over whether fWH might choose to lavish me w/gifts & passion, or whether it's a big letdown? Whether I am good enough to deserve love @all.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:58 AM, February 10th (Thursday)]
This week has been pretty busy. I had IC and MC this week, both were hard but good. My IC actually agrees with my fwh in regards to total NC. I was having a hard time with it initially, but the more I think about it, the more at "peace" I am becoming with it. Fwh feels this is the only way to "protect" us from this mess he helped cause. We are going to talk about it some after OW gets the letter and insurance card (BLAH still waiting on it, company said it could take 7-10 business days for it to arrive), see what fall-out we get/drama. Fwh just feels like contact with OC is pointless because of the drama involved, which affects all innocent parties involved. There's no easy answer.
Valentine's Day is hard for me too. Last year Fwh went all out, having flowers delivered to my job, dinner, etc. because he felt so bad. In other words he did more than he usually did in the past. It was almost like I didn't want his gifts with everything going on. I'm sure he will do the same thing again this year also. And again, I'm not sure how I feel. Lately I've just been feeling like...it's not enough. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's doing EVERYTHING RIGHT. But...it's almost like it's STILL not enough.
I watched "For Colored Girls" the other day and just wanted to say what an AWESOME movie. I feel like watching "Waiting to Exhale" this weekend, get some strength and a good cry.
How come most for most couples that have an OC situation, the WS is remorseful and wants to remain with the BS? How come I ended up with the one person who didn't want that...who didn't even consider it an option? How come it was so easy for him to choose the OC?