If I had left, I souldnt have my daughter. Plus this would still affect us financially. I have had to try my damnest to let some of this go, or it will eat me alive. But its hard, and some days it does just get in my head and drive me batty. So selfish on both their parts, and we (who do the right thing) are the ones that are punished for their deeds.
Aloha and I will be back later
I feel like even though we don't pay any CS right now, OW gets the check that fWH's disability pays to OC's payee (which OW got changed to her). She actually gets $400 more than she got previously when we had verbal agreement, we cover OC's healthcare, & all her food/clothing when she's w/us (which OC requested be alternating weeks). And, if those laws about healthcare come to pass in our state, we will likely continue covering OC on healthcare (along w/COM) until their time runs out or some of the kids get married (or have benefits through an occupation). I can see some of these OW taking fWH to court for college costs & health benefits well into their 20s (could they do that? I wonder?)...just worries me.
Keep telling fWH we need to speak w/his lawyer about changing CS & making visitation papers match what we're really doing now....very worried she might be owed back CS, since she's not worked since 2008 and has been drawing disability since ? (we don't really know when she started drawing disability, but after A#3 breakup & getting fired from job, she hasn't worked (and was SAHM & now disabled with some invisible ailment). Just wonder, if she's too 'sick' to work from this invisible ailment, is she fit to care for children (maybe bipolar or some sort of insanity?...it would be nice to know, as fWH could get full custody if she's deemed unable to care for her children).
OC told us last night that they're going out-of-state to see relatives for spring break in 2 weeks...that's news, as it's fWH's week to have OC and OW hasn't said a word about it. Either she's gonna ask last-minute, or she's going w/out OC. I schedule Drs. appts for OC that week, would be nice to know something.
When they can recognize that, it is part of the healing. Now some of the WH have never recognized the pain and anguish that they put on their family and the wives have decided that they needed to move away from that relationship.
What is your H saying concerning the OC? Does he want contact? Is he willing to do this the right way, meaning no contact behind your back and handling things legally? These are some of the questions you need to look at.
We are here to support you no matter which way you decide. We all have been thru it and I tell you sometimes you change your decision back and forth. It is a roller coaster of emotions no matter which way you decide. Even 4 years later I am still dealing with issues, the aftermath of his A, but I will not let it break me. Hugs to you.
((Island)) you know why I think this is happening, and I am so sorry that these type of things still go on. I hope and pray that this can get resolved. And no I don;t fault your H for saying don't ask for anything else. I don't know if I posted this lately but one of my friend's SO has a 13 year old son. Him and his ex signed a notarized agreement that she would nto seek CS. He took very good care of his son for 12 years, when my friend became pregnant, the ex got jealous and went and filed for CS. You know they disregarded the signed agreement and he had to pay 12 years of back CS? I did his taxes that year and they took both of his refunds. This bitch got $7,000 handed to her and she had the nerve to call him and ask him to buy a winter coat after she received the money! So I certainly understand your position in this. Obviously this is all OW cares about, and I can understand why you are NC. She is doing her child a disservice, but I guess if they weren't selfish people in the first place, they wouldn't have messed with a married man huh?
((Repeat)) thank you for your kinds words and support for me. I read your response on my thread. You and I both know there are days that we look around and say why are we here in this situation? If I didn't have to support of so many of you, I really don't know if I could have managed this. Thank you so much.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:49 AM, March 9th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 11:40 AM, March 9th (Wednesday)]
This Forum (to me) is better than IC. I don't know how any of you found an IC you liked well enough to help you. I don't know if it's because of where I live but the IC's I've seen seem more shocked at all of this than I was! Thanks again for listening. You all seem to have it so "together" despite the troubles you have....
[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 1:46 PM, March 9th (Wednesday)]
I was burnt by that "we won't go through courts, we need to be nice so I can see OC whenever & get her when I want, we just keep track of what we pay her incase she ever takes us." Yes, he did pay cash for DNA @local hospital recommended by social services & went through them to get his name on BC & signed a paper declaring paternity through them also. It wasn't anything official through the state courts though (just in birth records).
I just always felt like my hands were tied. That I had to be nice to OW & that I had to let fWH have contact or I'd hurt his relationship w/OC. It really didn't help our M in the long run. When things went south again for OW's M to BH#2 and we weren't doing so well ourselves, fWH became OW's KISA & they started EA (talking daily for what amounted to 1-2 hours during his breaks & after work b4 I got home) and it escalated into PA#3. I had to set some rules in stone & lay my guidelines about R#3 because I'd been playing OW's game & our M could not survive this again. BH#2 also set some similar guidelines (which amounted to me being pickup even though OW refused that until her BH#2 demanded it & she called asking for it). Before that, I made one of COM go w/fWH after A#3...as OW didn't want to be around me. Then she did that stupid shit like leaning into my vehicle during pickups (leaning inside my side minivan door telling me things & hugging OC)...I had to stop that also, as the pain/agony of conversing w/her daily was too much to handle. fWH doesn't do pickups @all unless we are in vehicle as family going somewhere & I try to control the amount of contact OW has w/fWH (even though she sometimes calls house).
I just think if you have visitation, try to limit contact btwn fWH & OW as much as possible. Of course, not cussing OW in front of OC is important, but either of you being friends w/OW in no way helps the M & R.
What good does it do you to bend over backwards, as OW can still get pissed about something & have the courts stick-it-2ya. I say, get everything legal immediately when OC is born. And, unfortunately, OW's lawyer could ask that fWH help pay for prenatal medical expenses, if they weren't all covered by some form of health insurance. I do not guess that state-funded medical assistance might come after fWH for part of the cost back of any medical care they provided for OC, if fWH retroactively adds OC to his health benefits also. fWH's insurance retro-added OC upon birth, even though we didn't have DNA or declaration of paternity b4 then. Once we had DNA, fWH's benefits manager added OC w/in days (even b4 she had a social security # - which we provided when she got it from SS dept).
And yes, it angers me that when things don't go right @home, he prefers to go seek OW again, even knocking her up to make her 'happy.' I told him, if he was that unhappy only 4 months after I birthed DS11, he should've just left. I even called OW after A#1/A#2 & told her she could have him...he just would never leave. After A#3, I was deadset on D him....it's only through an act of GOD & what seemed to be a remorseful fWH, that I didn't have papers filed on him the week after D-day#3.
And the rollercoaster gets some better, but there always seem to be issues w/OW. For me, I believe NC would've been easier, but it would have tortured fWH to not see OC (and he'd probably have snuck around behind my back to see OC/OW).
Both your children will count before the OC that is the rule, she just gonna have to get over that. A bonus is can not be counted as income, it is not the same and there is no guarantee that he will get it everytime. I hope this judge finally sees the light cause this is ridiculous.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this.
But since the last time I posted alot has happened. I wanted to come back and share this because I know so many of us have gone through this or are still going through it. I'm not even sure if I am posting this in the right place so if I am not my apologies. My husband cheated back in 2008. I don't really feel like posting the whole story over again, but for those of you who are interested, it is in my profile. I tried to R so hard but the fact is I could not carry the marriage on my efforts alone and my H never really showed remorse. Everything was half way and my gut always told me that it was only a matter of time before he did it again. He was never really sorry, never really wanted to talk about, was never straight forward about what had happened ect. My H is an attorney so he was always working and too busy to do much work on our marriage. Our marriage, as well as myself was always an after thought. It was always the crisis du jour that we would have to hurdle before we could get to work on us, but that never happened, something alwas took precedence over us. Life continued and the problems just got pushed under the rug...i got tired of pursuing the issues. I got pregnant, and when I found out my gut reaction was fear instead of joy. I pushed those feeling out and started planning for our new addition. Turned out our addition was twins! So in July of 2009, we welcomed our two beautiful boys, he was good to me throughout the pregnancy. When the twins were about 5 months, my H started having the all too familiar patterns that he had when he was cheating the first time and my life became consumed with fear.The sick feeking of what was to come consumed me as I could not fathom being crushed like I was the first time ever again, the news the first time literally brought me to my knees. March 6th of 2010, I received confirmation that my worst nightmare had come true: he was being unfaithful again, but now I had two infants and an 8 year old, but thankfully it wasn't as bad the second time: I had been resolved to never allow anyone to hurt me like that again. That day I made the hardest but most intelligent decision I have ever made. I filed for divorce. I chose to be true to myself and my children and stop the dysfunction that was my life. I had given up so much for my marriage with little in return and I could no longer allow myself to be treated like some disposable doormat. Looking back, this year has been one of growth and discovery. I am pursuing the dreams I had given up to allow my H to go to law achool. am so strong and confident and I am truly happy. My life, despite the divorce, is at peace. There are no more crisises to be managed, I am no longet second fiddle, and things seem to fall into place all of the time. I am humbled by the joy in my life...Not to say it was bad all of the time but the serenity that comes with the absence of the fear that has stalked me since D-day #1 is simple and lovely. I can remember on New Years Eve of 2010 thinking I wanted the sadness and insecurity to end and it did, perhaps not the way I had hoped but gone nonetheless. All I can say is that there is inner strenghth in everyone here that you can not even begin to imagine until you tap into it. Adversity can bring out the very best in us all, and finally LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELINGS!!! Stop trying to convince your self otherwise of what your heart and mind already know. You will never let your self down. That sinking feeling is there for a reason..if it is there take heed. It is what kept our ancestors from being eaten by predators, it is what keeps our soul from being devoured by toxic relationships. In reteospect I was trying to fight the terminal cancer to my soul that was my marriage, but I guess I was in my own sort of fog and could not see. My heart goes out to everybody on here, the good news is that no matter what decision you make, it does get easier with time. Even though you feel like it, you will not die. You will persevere and be stronger in whatever decision you make so long that is is true to yourself.
BS (me)-30 WH-30 OW-former friend of 20 years
Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: In pursuit of happiness
Member # 31388 Posted: 1:08 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011
Nola - Your post has been on my mind since I read it yesterday. I read your profile and re-read your post. I can so relate to what you wrote in your post and your words are somehow "freeing" to me. I think most of what I read in different blogs and forums is about reconciling - like it's the only choice. But it isn't. What you wrote about living with the fear that you could possibly be hurt that badly again is what my life has been like for 13 years - and it has kept me from "living" my life and having a good marriage. The first time was emails I found while I was pregnant. The second time was catching him at the place where he was supposed to meet someone. This time, it's the admission of infidelity AND (with all probability) a child with this person. The other times were so hard for me to "accept" that I held myself back from my relationship with my husband to protect myself from being hurt again - and it hurt the marriage and happened again anyway. How do I live with this fear for the rest of my life? Maybe I don't. And maybe that's okay. Like you wrote - the relationship isn't all bad - but maybe the good of it isn't more important than what's been bad. And just maybe I deserve better for myself. Thank you.
I read the post you copied from other forum. Yes, many do choose to move on & D. Some of us, for various reasons, stay.
I can tell you, after A#1, we went through false R. I thought it was real, we choose to conceive DS11 during HB phase of R#1. Sometime during my pregnancy, OW started calling house & I tried everything to keep them NC, but any call blocking & changing #s prompted fWH to give them to OW or OW to change her cell # or call from payphones. In hindsight, I should have set NC requirments, but he said "she has no friends, I'm her only friend, nothing going on." After DS11 was born, I was so busy w/toddler & newborn, that I neglected certain things in our M that I had no time or energy for (mainly the physical parts of M). Even though M was having problems at that point, I was oblivious to them. Finding out that OW was about 4 months pregnant, when DS11 was only 7 months old was devastating. The remainder of her pregnancy was torture & severe depression for me.
You wonder, why didn't you leave? Well, after A#1, I saw the flaws in my behavior during M and was blameshifted into thinking I was the cause of infidelity. I bought it & tried to do better. I was given false information about A#2 (fWH said only ONS & OW tricked him into accidental pregnancy - know now that ONS was EA/PA#2 & intentional pregnancy which could have easily happened during A#1 because fWH/OW were trying to have OC then also). I guess I felt like my hands were tied. I loved fWH & hadn't stopped. We had an almost 4-yr old & 7-month old sons. I had no $$$ of my own. I knew fWH's parents would back any legal action during a D & I had fear of losing COM (I had just stopped breastfeeding DS11, so that wasn't even a good excuse @custody). I was a poor housekeeper & I knew that would play against me, even though I was also full-time worker. I guess also, that I hoped OC wasn't fWH's & would regret leaving him for what I thought was ONS, if child was even his. I was so confused & just waited out OW's pregnancy & prayed/hoped OC wasn't an OC @all. I guess all the lies gave me an inaccurate picture of what the As were & how much OW meant to him. I was under the impression she was just nookie for a long time....not that he loved her & wanted a child w/her. Honestly, since I thought fWH had gone NC w/OW sometimes b4 DS11's birth, I was astonished to find out about OC. I had a nightmare sometime before D-day#2, that OW was pregnant w/OC, but I told fWH about the nightmare & he kinda laughed it off. I don't know how I dreamt something & it was true...I always believed a guardian angel put that inside my dream to prepare my heart/soul for that very unimaginable reality.
As for fWH/OW having A#3, I saw the issues we had, but hoped he'd never cheat because all we'd been through w/OW&OC about OW being shitty parent....and how much he'd trashed her, except he always said "she can't help who she fell in love with." I had/have no pity for OW falling for mOM...no matter what her feelings for him, things that happened before A#1 shouldn't have ever happened & if either of them had put the brakes on it, none of this would have come to pass. A#3 wasn't a surprise to me, but it hurt just the same. I saw the red flags, but had not been diligently being a detective. I can tell you the 4 things that made me stay after A#3 w/OW:
1. I still love fWH
2. fWH became a paraplegic in 2005 & I feel a certain responsibility to make sure he is taken care of
3. fWH cried, begged, pleaded, sobbed, had panic attacks, almost attempted suicide (he had as youth so I know he was serious this time), and said he'd to ANYTHING to keep me & prove how much he loved me even if I divorced him, he'd keep tring to prove his love for me.
4. I prayed & prayed on it for 2 days. I told GOD to tell me what to do. I went up front during the call & cried & had people pray over me (they had no clue what about). The sermon that followed gave me the answer that I think GOD was giving me. It was a sermon about the prodigal son. How he left the family, spent his inheritance, & had illicit sex w/harlots. He came back home groveling to be his father's servant & the father robed him, gave him his ring, & had a feast. The moral of the sermon told me that FAMILY is FAMILY. And, as much as I hated to admit it, fWH had been my family for about 18-19 years. Even if we D, I don't know if I could ever have a FAMILY that made me so happy as fWH had made me.
As for what I tell people about OC. If they are close to me, I tell them fWH had affair & OC was result (some know more details). If we are out & casually see someone I haven't seen in a while, I tell them OC is my stepdaughter. If fWH is out with me, I introduce them as "our sons & fWH's daughter." Sometimes, OC see's people she & OW know. She introduces me as her stepmom (or sometimes as her brother's mom or 'DS14' & 'DS11's' mom).
P.S. this whole OC thing was easier to swallow when I thought OC was a lapse in judgement & only a ONS. Plus the A#3 & new revelations just made this suck much more. I am glad that we got CS & custody stuff all legal though in early 2009.