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User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to mention, I have seen a judge of a coworker's D & custody hearing use bonus amounts from previous year to calculate "estimated" bonus amounts for upcoming year & up CS. His xW took him back to court multiple times & also had his non-guaranteed overtime put into the calculations based on previous year's averages for overtime.

It can really get nasty & I think the judges try to do right, but have so many cases they maybe give in to the woman most the time, thinking they are generally the major caregiver of children.

There is no requirement on books in our state to recalc every 3 years, but we were verbally told by lawyer that if either incomes or family situations change (births of other kids for fWH or OW), that they do cause reevaluation of CS. EVEN if OW gets pregnant this year (like she's wanting to), it will make fWH %responsibility for OC's financial needs to go up (because OW's share of OC's costs would be a smaller %).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BeingRealistic
♀ New Member
Member # 31388
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Repeat) - I thank you for your thoughts and your honesty. I hear what you are saying and I think it's amazing, what you have been able to do. I do honestly believe that it's harder to stay than to go and you have certainly had more than your share of the "hard". I hope you know inside yourself what a giving person you are.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Mar 2011
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks repeat! We read up on that too and saw they could go back a few years and average to put into income. But this judge to cOW the last time he wouldn't do that because its performance of the entire company based. They did include his overtime because it is part of his salary. I just can't see how the judge can't see she is money grubbing now! And seriously? $1400 a month and she can't meet the child's "basic survival needs?!" Where does it end? CS is supposed to be a dual thing between the 2 of them, yet she seems to expect my fwh to pay all her bills! We are afraid because of her claim of poverty the judge will grant her the increase "in the best interest of the child". Augh. What's the best interest of the child is to have a mother that gets off her ass and does something, anything to find work or something to make sure his needs are met. My fwh is doing what he is ordered to do and is doing his part/share...I can't believe they would consider him really paying all her bills/fully supporting 2 households. I go from feeling good this will never fly because I'm sure she has pissed off the judge plus she is trying for a "2nd bite of the apple"...then to feeling really nervous because fwh has already been screwed so many times by the system.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
BeingRealistic
♀ New Member
Member # 31388
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe this blog isn't where I need to be. But I don't know how to stay away from it. I get a lot from all of you - a better understanding of myself - learning from what you all have been through before me - but I just don't know if I have it in me to go down the path you all have. I want to be open and honest - but that means I'm vulnerable again and when there's just no sign of vulnerability from my H and all I'm met with is defensiveness, I can't do it. I can't bear my soul and get back venom. I can believe that I love my H but if he's not willing to meet me even half way, what is the point? I can't do this on my own. I can't deny myself and I can't make things better on my own. I'm tired of doing all the work - of feeling like I'm the only one feeling the pain. I don't know how you all do it. I don't think I can. Kudos to all of you that have somehow managed to stay with your spouse and survive. I need myself - my self esteem - to be able to validate myself - that I'm a good person and I can't do it and be with someone who thinks only about his own self esteem. It's time to stop the madness.

Posts: 18 | Registered: Mar 2011
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BeingRealistic)))

I very much understand how you feel, I don't think I would have R'd with my FWH if I had known there was an OC on the way (sOW did not tell us until she was 16 weeks along, and we were in MC and IC at that point, and R was going well).

I really felt like staying with him was so beneath me, like "Gawd, they are going to look at me and laugh that I am staying with him, I am SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM, I need to just walk away..." But then OW began harassing me, (and to some tiny extent him), laughing, predicting that I was going to leave him, telling him how she couldn't wait for me to leave him, etc. I really couldn't give her the satisfaction, and I knew that I loved him, and wanted to stay with him.

Everyone of us will understand 100% if you walk away. I think I can speak for everyone of us when I say it at least crossed our minds at one point or another.

But, if you choose to stay, it does get a little easier. It never goes away, but it gets easier. I remember when I was at your stage in this, the few mornings when I wasn't awoken by nightmares about OW and impending/newborn OC, I would wake up and be gripped by the most intense panic attacks of my entire life remembering that some slut was pregnant by/had just had my FWH's child.

I am nearing the 4th antiversary of DDay1 (finding out about the A, and throwing him out) zand I literally think of them less and less (we are NC). I don't think of OC when I look at my DD (they are 14 months apart). I don't think of her all day on holidays, or on trips to the zoo, etc. I feel closer and closer to acceptance everyday.

(((Island)))

I seriously want to slap the living shit out of some people in your honor. I want to cuss up an effing storm, what is happening to you is BULLSHIT!

Well, I am now 100% sure FWH's CS caseworker has it out for him (in this state, everything goes through a caseworker, a judge never hears about CS unless you go to appeals court). Last year, after FWH's income dropped significantly (33%+) and we had our own DD, he had his CS reevaluated- his caseworker almost doubled it, and decided that he needed to pay for insurance and daycare for OC (sOW gets free medical through her job, and free daycare from her new babydaddy - now that said babydaddy left HIS BS). That would have left FWH bringing home around $300 every two weeks.

So, he had an over the phone hearing with OW and a judge. sOW could not prove daycare, so the judge ruled that she pay 100% of daycare, medical, and gets a whopping $179 a month CS- a FRACTION of what the caseworker had ordered.

Well, CS caseworker called this week to let FWH she is taking it upon herself to reevaluate the CS order (normally, you can only request to have it evaluated every 3 years). I am so pissed!! I don't know who this bitch thinks she is. I've had to speak with her myself and she is just a bitch.

So, we'll probably be appealing the amount she finds AGAIN, since she evidently does not bother using the state CS calculations sheet. I am wondering if FWH should call her supervisor and file a complaint, or if that will just make it worse?

I would have FWH request a new caseworker altogether, but they have some rule that when you get a new caseworker, they automatically redo all of your cases anyway (FWH pays CS for OC, and his 18 year old from his previous M), so I just don't know what to do. We are on a totally limited budget (I just started college and am unemployed) and I certainly don't need this stress right now.

I'm wondering if CS will take sOW's new OC into account, as a non-joint child, the way they took our DD into account (born after OC)?? I hope not.

She is a one woman puppy mill for OCs, I swear. Destroying relationships is her past time.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BeingRealistic)))

I very much understand how you feel, I don't think I would have R'd with my FWH if I had known there was an OC on the way (sOW did not tell us until she was 16 weeks along, and we were in MC and IC at that point, and R was going well).

I really felt like staying with him was so beneath me, like "Gawd, they are going to look at me and laugh that I am staying with him, I am SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM, I need to just walk away..." But then OW began harassing me, (and to some tiny extent him), laughing, predicting that I was going to leave him, telling him how she couldn't wait for me to leave him, etc. I really couldn't give her the satisfaction, and I knew that I loved him, and wanted to stay with him.

Everyone of us will understand 100% if you walk away. I think I can speak for everyone of us when I say it at least crossed our minds at one point or another.

But, if you choose to stay, it does get a little easier. It never goes away, but it gets easier. I remember when I was at your stage in this, the few mornings when I wasn't awoken by nightmares about OW and impending/newborn OC, I would wake up and be gripped by the most intense panic attacks of my entire life remembering that some slut was pregnant by/had just had my FWH's child.

I am nearing the 4th antiversary of DDay1 (finding out about the A, and throwing him out) zand I literally think of them less and less (we are NC). I don't think of OC when I look at my DD (they are 14 months apart). I don't think of her all day on holidays, or on trips to the zoo, etc. I feel closer and closer to acceptance everyday.

(((Island)))

I seriously want to slap the living shit out of some people in your honor. I want to cuss up an effing storm, what is happening to you is BULLSHIT!

Well, I am now 100% sure FWH's CS caseworker has it out for him (in this state, everything goes through a caseworker, a judge never hears about CS unless you go to appeals court). Last year, after FWH's income dropped significantly (33%+) and we had our own DD, he had his CS reevaluated- his caseworker almost doubled it, and decided that he needed to pay for insurance and daycare for OC (sOW gets free medical through her job, and free daycare from her new babydaddy - now that said babydaddy left HIS BS). That would have left FWH bringing home around $300 every two weeks.

So, he had an over the phone hearing with OW and a judge. sOW could not prove daycare, so the judge ruled that she pay 100% of daycare, medical, and gets a whopping $179 a month CS- a FRACTION of what the caseworker had ordered.

Well, CS caseworker called this week to let FWH she is taking it upon herself to reevaluate the CS order (normally, you can only request to have it evaluated every 3 years). I am so pissed!! I don't know who this bitch thinks she is. I've had to speak with her myself and she is just a bitch.

So, we'll probably be appealing the amount she finds AGAIN, since she evidently does not bother using the state CS calculations sheet. I am wondering if FWH should call her supervisor and file a complaint, or if that will just make it worse?

I would have FWH request a new caseworker altogether, but they have some rule that when you get a new caseworker, they automatically redo all of your cases anyway (FWH pays CS for OC, and his 18 year old from his previous M), so I just don't know what to do. We are on a totally limited budget (I just started college and am unemployed) and I certainly don't need this stress right now.

I'm wondering if CS will take sOW's new OC into account, as a non-joint child, the way they took our DD into account (born after OC)?? I hope not.

She is a one woman puppy mill for OCs, I swear. Destroying relationships is her past time.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say, that anyone trying to R after A is a champion, whether there's an OC or not. And, that the ones who walk away are also champions because I did not have the courage to do what SHOULD have been done.

Whether you R or not, anyone dealing w/OC issues is always welcome on this thread. Even if you D, you still are dealing w/the pain of OC (especially if you have COM that must be involved w/OC or OW at any point).

Having OC in picture is like marrying a divorced person that has COM from previous marriage, but in reverse. Normally, you go into M w/previously married person knowing they have COM & you will be stepparent, they'll be paying CS for almost 18 years, that xW will be in picture for some amount of time. Okay, you weigh the good & bad & marry him anyway....In our cases, you are blindsided by the A, by the OC situation, by the CS, by the visitation, & by all the embarrassment the whole situation brings. As without OC can be hidden from all, swept under the rug, only discussed in private, etc. As w/OC can sometimes be hidden, but if any C is made, someone eventually knows about OC. I think some people pity us for living in this situation & dealing w/OC, some people believe us to be saints/heroes for staying, & some look at us like fools for staying. I guess everyone has to make their own choices as to whether staying is worth it...is fWH giving his 100% to try to R & be NC w/OW as much as possible or are they 'just friends' now? I know they say to wait 6 months b4 making decisions, but I don't think with everything going on (maybe even HB happening) that you can just put your life on hold for 6 months. In the back of your head, you know you are leaning one way or another. If you really put forth effort @R, OC's birth might eventually railroad any progress. Life still keeps happening, all while you are on the rollercoaster you can never get off. Even if you D, I think it takes even longer to get over the A because you see OC as a big multiplier to the pain you have to overcome. How could you ever trust another person to be in your life, when one you loved unconditionally could do this to you? So much baggage comes along w/this stuff, are you even a suitable partner for anyone else in the future?

I'm just sending hugs out to everyone. ((((hug)))


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you asked about what you tell people, some of you know this story, but newbies don't. Last year, OC's basketball coach was talking w/fWH about OC. She kinda made the assumption that we were S when fWH/OW got preggers w/OC and that we R, but it was too late because OC was already expected. fWH never corrected her assumption. I wish he would just own-up to his infidelity & tell people the truth. I believe some people think COM are really fWH's SSs (or my SSs) & that OW is fWH's xW or xGF. Or that I broke up OW/fWH's marriage (as OC looks much older than she really is). I suppose some people look @me with disgust, thinking I'm the OW in this whole thing.

When OC10/DS11 were very small, they were similar in sizes (13 months apart)....some people @stores would see us out (very seldome went out as-family due to fWH's work schedule), but they'd think OC/DS were twins. If someone stopped to see the 'twins,' fWH would correct them that they were 13months apart, but never that OC wasn't mine.

Unless I tell someone, most people think OC is mine (like @church & such) because OC calls me Momma & I usually call her Sis.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies thank you so much for being so open. How did you handle the birth of OC? I only have about a month and a half or so till she is due. I am so scared of how I'm going to handle this.I am worried that what you said will happen.Trying to R and then it gets derailed. Is there any suggestion or anything you wish would have happened or that you did differently?
I don't know how to cope with all these emotions I'm dealing with.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Helpless  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying,

How did I handle birth? I was in deep depression. I was so anxious because I didn't really know when OC was coming, so I got up the courage & called OW. Asked her when the baby was due, because fWH didn't know. She told me due date (OC ended up being 10 days early), OC was girl, and what her first name was going to be. I was very emotional, fWH had a pager so I paged him somehing like "your daughter XXXXX is due on Jan 20th." OW called fWH too, 'cause it upset her. I kinda got scolded because I was upsetting the preggers OW. Funny, she transferred to different branch of restaurant shortly after that (not sure if me knowing where she worked & could call her bothered her, or she just did it). I had called the pizza chain's #, instead of trying to figure out her cell#.

I honestly couldn't handle it anymore. I was losing my mind & wellbeing. I had to seek OC for myself & COM. I didn't want to admit it, but I believe I was likely suicidal also. Of course, I didn't tell IC that, 'cause I think they have to report you in our state if you are danger to yourself or others. I was so glad I went to IC, because with OC coming early, it did give me only a week or so until the birth.

If fWH had been invited to the birth & went in the room to be w/OW, I think I might have gotten so depressed that I had nervous breakdown. I was very lucky that OW was so pissed @fWH around that time, that she didn't even call until she got home from hospital. It made things easier for me to know fWH wasn't there supporting OW or holding OC right after birth, like he had been w/COM.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know for us, fWH became very gifty when OC was expected. Didn't go hunting that year w/FIL&BIL like he ALWAYS did (he hasn't gone since OC was conceived even b4 accident). He took the night off for our anniversary in Oct2000 (sneakily), and made me think he went to work but came home about 1 hour after leaving with a very expensive digital camera as my gift. Went to a 10-year HS reunion for me without any complaints @all (with a toddler & 10-month-old in tow). Bought me a $400+ mother's necklace all by himself @local jeweler. He went out looking for my wish gift (leather coat), but couldn't find my size on Christmas Eve, so called @asked 'what else do u want?' I said mother's necklace. Thought it'd be like the $50 version. The charms are 18 or 24kt gold, diamond accents, & real saphire eyes for children. I even added a charm for OC (b4 I knew about A#3), because OC kept asking why she wasn't on my necklace.

fWH walked on eggshells around me, until OC was born & DNA came back. The kindness was basically an act though, just to make me R instead of D. I had gone for free consult w/best lawyer in county & fWH's coworker's wife unfortunately worked there & word got back to him. I don't know if he'd have been so nice, if he wasn't a little afraid of D.

Some days, I just wonder if I should go ahead & D him. Lots of triggers sometimes, give me the little thoughts like maybe it was a mistake to stay. I am glad that COM have grown up being w/their father daily though. I wish they did not have to deal with all the fallout of D-days & OC issues. I am not as-good a parent as I was before all the As. I am more depressed & moody, I neglect things they should be getting from me to care for OC, & my general behavior isn't so polite. I'm just not the naive 17-yr-old that fWH deflowered, & not the blushing 21-yr-old bride, or the joyful new mommy I once was. I cannot seem to get me back. Things I do & say, are things I would never have thought I'd do in a million years. Some days, I feel downright evil. I wish DS11 had the mother that DS14 did...I just wasn't the same person anymore, after fWH's A#1 & most of DS11's first year, after I found out about OC's impending birth. It was very difficult to celebrate DS11's first b-day, knowing OC's birth was right around the corner looming over any joy I could have from COM. I know I don't really HATE fWH, but I sometimes HATE him for putting me through this....and knowing now that it wasn't an accident on his part, made the new revelations & trickle truths so much harder to take. Who could hate me so much, as to choose to conceive a child w/someone else.

Lots of movies & such about infidelity lately...think we're watching scary movie or something, & stupid infidelity is part of the plot!!! Ugh! fWH's comments about the movies, just trigger me. Do we stop the movies, the minute an OW or OM is mentioned (or GOD forbid a movie w/OC in it)???

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 10:47 AM, March 11th (Friday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Repeat)))
I am so sorry for your pain. If my asking questions hurts you in anyway please feel free to tell me to stop. I am just so confused. I love this man. I have for most of my life. I understand how depressed and insecure he felt because I was there too. I just chose not to go the same route as he did. I am so angry he didn't think about the fallout and what could happen. I'm sorry that your FWH planned OC. It is hard enough when it is just a stupid mistake.
I am trying my best to keep it together for me and my boys. I am so scard of sinking into a suicidal depression. I can't afford IC. Another reason why this is so scary. We are struggling as is and now we will have to give her a chunk of the little we have. I am so PISSED!
I have the nightmares and I don't sleep. I started having panick attacks again. I haven't had one in 3 years.
I feel like if I walk away I am a quitter. I feel like I owe it to my boys to stay and try to fix this.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Helpless  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying,

No. I don't mind talking about it. I rant & rave on here sometimes when I have triggers anyway.

And, don't think you are a quitter, if staying isn't an option for you. I stayed after A#1 & A#2/OC, and I always wonder if the pain of D would've been easier to deal with than dealing w/A#3 & revelations about OC's conception & A#2 not being ONS but EA/PA#2.

Things are not always bad for me. We have a lot of other issues pre-As that keep creeping back into our lives.

I felt the issues in our M were overwhelming pre-A#1 & pre-A#3, but I hoped we would overcome them. I was so caught up in being a mommy for 2nd time, I never saw A#2 coming (and certainly couldn't have expected planned OC - even when OW said something like 'we'd been trying for a while', I didn't believe her). I guess, I blindly trusted fWH with my heart & honestly haven't been so giving of my love since A#1. I don't think any of this can be undone, even though the panic attacks & chest-heaving crying has subsided. I wouldn't have been able to afford IC, except fWH's job had EAP at time & I think there were 6-10 freebies of IC annually before you ran out & had to switch to health benefits. I was only able to go to about 2 after I had to pay $40/visit under health plan. But, IC did help me through the rough spots & ADs helped me through the antiversary of OC's birth the following year.

I just needed someone to listen, I think. Everyone around me was tired of listening to me cry & whine about OW/OC & fWH's betrayal. IC was that shoulder to lean on. Heck, when it first happened, I called a psychic hotline & even snotted/snorted @$XX/minute just to have someone to listen. Wonder what that person thought??? I even stupidly wished she was actually psychic so she could tell me everything would turn out right. I probably should've been hospitalized for severe depression, but I put on a happy face @work (as much as possible because I shared office space @time w/another person). I tried to do things for my kids, but I really only took care of the necessities. I wasn't the wife or mother that I should've been because I was nursing my broken heart. fWH was the only person besides my brother who had always been there, never let me down. The disappointment in fWH & his actions (especially after giving him a 2nd chance after A#1 w/OW), truly are what broke my heart.

I think this is a healing process & if any of us can help others along, then maybe that's what we're here for.

And, I agree w/you about loving fWH when you brain tells you that you shouldn't. I have loved fWH since 1989 & he's been with me all my adult years. He's held my hand through 2 c-sections. He takes better care of me than he did before (I guess because he's SAHD & sometimes feels like doing chores & other stuff so I don't have to). Even making sure my name was on the deed when ILs gave us some of their acres made me feel more secure than I had before. I always felt I could be evicted @a moments notice if things didn't work out for us & I had nowhere to go or take my children, because the land was IL's & only the double-wide mobile home was mortgaged in our joint names.

I guess, many days, the insecurity of the whole thing hits me. Since OW still loves fWH (and likely vice-versa), I always have this feeling like she's looking over my shoulder to see if our M is vulnerable again & she's waiting to make a strike like a cobra.

I think I could almost deal with $$$ issues, if I knew the likelyhood of repeat A wasn't there & the harassment by OW toward me after A#3 was inexcusable & unjust. I don't see what these OW think they have the right to do....just because they got knocked up by fWH. If they wanted to leave, they'd have done it, right???? What keeps these men clinging to their wife & COM, when only weeks/months before they were in the fog w/OW? I truly don't think my fWH broke completely through the fog, even when OC was born. I think he was still holding OW on a pedestal (as I'd fallen from mine many-many years before). What I think is one of the worst, is when two Ms & two families of COM are impacted (if both OW & fWH are married & not even S from their spouses @all on D-day). IN these cases, I almost think it might be easier for everyone concerned to allow fWH to give up rights & BH to adopt OC before anyone knows any different (or even WH to take custody upon birth & BW to adopt OC). I think if OW had given up on fWH after he didn't choose to leave me, and given fWH custody of OC & went NC and let me adopt OC, it would've been a little easier. She wasn't prepared to be a mother & hasn't been for her own COM until seeming to amend her ways a bit lately. I do believe OW truly loves fWH & maybe he feels the same for her, but somehow he loves me too. I think his feelings for me come & go like the tide however. His love for me isn't unconditional, it grows & declines/grows&declines. If I had been the one having A, and he had a vasectomy and I got pregnant by OM, I think if he hadn't killed me & OM, he'd have certainly D me & tried his best to get full custody of COM (claiming me unfit).

Someone on SI once wrote a letter to their spouse, with the jist of the letter being what it had been me instead of you who did XYZ w/OP? And laid out all the wrongdoings as if they had been the other spouse betrayed. I thought it poetic & enlightening. Doubtfully, would our WS have been able to tolerate being the BS & helping to raise (or just pay for) OC. When we were paying CS to OW, I calculated what OC was costing our family (not even the cost of diapers/formula etc. we spent @our home). The 18 years of CS are likely more $$$ than we'd have ever spent on COM's care & certainly kept us from having a nice new home.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
What dreams have you guys had to give up, that you might have realized if the CS $$$$ wasn't going out????

What do any of the older children think about OC & how it's impacted their home & finances?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know OW is obsessed with him right now. She's so stupid she doesn't even know him. I've known him since HS. He is the only person in life I've ever trusted. Look what that got me. I know he loves me. Actually I know he loves me more than anything in this world that's why I just can't believe he did this.
I agree with you I don't know what these OW think. She is upset because she is doing this on her own. DUH bitch. you screwed a married man. I guess she thought we would split and he would come running to her. Little did she know it only made him realize how much he loves and needs me.
I'm just so destroyed @ the betrayal. I'm angry about the $. I hate that my COM will have to go without because of this. We were wanting to buy a house I doubt that will happen now.
I'm also not wanting the added drama. I'm just so tired of it. We went through so much with my step son's mom and I feel OW is going to be the same.
You made the comment earlier about affairs in movies. Omg I NEVER realized how many movies have affairs in them. I used to love Lifetime channel. I can't watch it anymore. Movies I used to love are just trigggers now.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I have learned is that we BS's are just a slip-up away from an OC situation (unless both WS and OP are sterile). We just happened to get the back luck of the draw, that's all. We are all incredibly strong because we all have our own unique story. While we all have the OC situation in common, we all have separate lives and deal with it in the way that fits us the best. What I have found and learned is that you have to live your life, regardless of what others believe, think, or would do in your shoes. As long as your decisions are just that...your decisions, then you are doing what is best for YOU. (((BeingRealistic))) it's ok if you S, D, R, or all the above. You are always more than welcome here. I told my fwh's grandmother that even if I had D and left, this situation would still affect me emotionally, monetarily, and physically. For me, I knew I was going to have to deal with it either way. It's unfortunately a no-win situation no matter which way you go. While I don't really regret R (today at least ), it IS hard to have everything smacked in my face everytime some more shit comes in the mail.

On a brighter note, my fwh met with a lawyer today. Now the lawyer was about 100 years old, but the man was highly intelligent. I mean, he has been practicing family law longer than I have been alive! It was a free consultation and he revised my fwh's opposition statement for FREE! And did a kick ass job. So fwh is going to submit it on Monday. Turns out that this will almost certainly get denied!!! Why?!? She waited too long! The CS order was 12/30/10, and she had 10 days to file a motion, 30 days to file an appeal! She submitted the motion the way it's NOT supposed to be submitted--in other words she is trying to "take another bite of the apple" in asking for the original order be amended, which is not what the motion is supposed to be used for (it's supposed to be for math errors and the like). So it appears she has missed out Not to mention, she opened up a can of worms in regards to her saying that she couldn't meet OC's basic survival needs. She pretty much put it out there where the money can be questioned. And the lawyer said that the bonus income fluctuates too much to do an average, and that my fwh will always be overpaying or underpaying and would need a review 2X a year in order to be fair. AND did the math to show that she is still getting quite a bit of it, even if it were to be rolled into income it's just a matter of a couple hundred dollars a year. So chances are the bonus $ will be left the same. Said this judge does NOT like to be questioned, so most likely her motion will just piss him off. AND she shouldn't have EVER mentioned my income. AND my daughter counts before the OC, since paternity was established AFTER she was born Oh and since the OW didn't request a hearing, and she didn't provide documentation how she is not being able to make her bills (but my fwh WILL show documentation that she is living out of her means), she didn't prove her case. Which, BTW...is null and void since she didn't follow the procedures of the court and filed too late!!! PLEASE keep your fingers crossed that this gets denied on the fact cOW was too late! We read the state code/statute that pretty much puts a nail in her request.

Of course I'm not going to be 100% comfortable until we see the "DENIAL"...so hoping that all will go well in our favor for ONCE....


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IslandWahine, I have been following your story for quite a while now, and I am glad that things are a little more hopeful. I am curious, what did the lawyer mean about how she shouldn't have mentioned your income?

I know in CS the spouse's income is usually not calculated in (because the child is not their financial burden) but will it reflect on fOW badly for trying to pull your income into the equation?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dark, since she has mentioned my income several times before, and has been told it can't be counted, plus her trying to compare households will not look good in her favor. Fwh is going tomorrow to turn in his opposition statement so hoping we end up with good news...


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Island, I hope the new lawyer gets this straightened out for you. fWH has agreed w/me that the portions of the agreements need to be amended to change them to the new visitation timing that OC requested. And, that to be on the safe side we need to have CS adjusted. I told him that if OW ends up ahead & owes him, he needs to take it. Because we care for all of OC's basic needs while she's with us, all her clothing, all her meals etc. I really think some of OC's SS check should've been split off to fWH, but SS makes that decision, not the state. I really think a neutral 3rd party should be OC's payee, as I think OC's checks pay for OW's new vehicle, but SS's annual questionairre doesn't really make you justify your #s (only if they do a review do you have to provide documentation). I honestly don't think OW could justify the amounts spent on OC compared to their household's payments etc. Even if OW said "needed a car to transport OC," I think we could honestly say that the school bus drives by their home daily and OW/BH#2 could've continued to share a vehicle. Even if someone agreed that OW needed a car for OC's safety & transport....was a brand-new Ford Focus quite necessary?

fWH was grumpy last night. I was wanting to talk to him about educational decisions that need to be considered for next school year for DS14 & DS11 and the expenses involved in different choices. He said something rude like, "I feel like you are making me stressed. My stomach is turning & I'm getting a headache. I just want quiet." So I pouted & went to bed (he was in shower while we were talking). Then, this is around midnight, he opens the adjoining br/bath door and starts talking all about past things that happened btwn him & his xGF & all sorts of other crap until well after 2AM (I have to get up btwn 5&6am for work). One of the things he mentioned was he never should have been w/OW. Was kinda trashing her. Was sorry about OC, BUT he loves OC. Said he should have had a daughter w/me instead. Hmmm. Kinda difficult since we as a couple/family decided to get me 'fixed' during my C-section for DS11 because we felt 2 kids were the greatest expense we could afford & the house space was too limited. I liked the "I'm sorry" about it, but the BUT negates the whole thing in my opinion. Yes, I know he loves his child, but mentioning that after a heartfelt apology wasn't good. What we were talking about was our fights, that he's never HIT me like his dad was abusive to his mom. I told him "I've never hit you either." Some of his xGF were physical & would smack & scratch when angry w/him. I reminded him he punched a big dent in the hood vent over the range when we were arguing. I reminded him the arguement was about OW (seems like I was convinced OW still loved him & he was steaming about how they were 'just friends' and in all honestly I was giving him a hard time because there wasn't any PA going on @time or for many years later, but there was likely always EA).

Anyway. I don't know what this means, but I suppose I got my apology again. It never feels like enough though. I just keep praying for him that someday he can honestly tell me 'I was so wrong, you didn't deserve anything I did, you are the one person who's loved me unconditionally and I respect you for that.' Think I'll ever hear that from him??? Who knows.... I still think no matter what OW does concerning OC, fWH will hold a place for her in his heart. I believe if I had D him after any of the 3xAs (or I'd have found out about the ONS pre-3xAs when it happened or the BJ that SIL gave him well before As w/OW), he would be M to OW this very minute. I don't think fWH's love for me is as strong as the feelings I've always had for him. I don't know if he CAN love someone through thick/thin. I honestly doubt HE could have stayed w/me through so much, if I had been the offender & brought home OC. If he had vasectomy & I ended up preggers after cheating...I never would have received so much compassion or love from him (as he has since everything happened about all the infidelity). Heck, even the insanity over my online addictions pre-M, never received forgiveness, COULD you imagine what an OC from me would have brought?

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 6:57 AM, March 15th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. we own Fireproof (movie with Kirk Cameron). We have watched it b4 as couple, but I got a hankering for DVDs lately & rewatching some of my favorites. fWH was sleeping, so I popped in Fireproof. Sometimes, religious stuff makes fWH uncomfortable. He woke up as I was starting it. He watched the whole thing w/me. I could swear that when I was all teary-eyed at the end-of-movie, I think a tear was streaming down fWH's cheek when I turned it off. I wonder if movies like those, inspire him to make changes for the better. I know they really help me to continue the struggle, when I see things like that (even though they are only make-believe).

We did family day Sunday. Me, DS14, & OC10 went to kids' church & then sermon, popped back by house & got fWH/DS11 for earlybird 3D version of Mars Needs Moms, then got takeout and lounged around the whole afternoon. It was nice. I have missed our Thurs family dinners out & hope to be able to do things like inexpensive dinners each week. It makes me feel like we are still a family & also relieves stress of being home, cooking, cleaning, & kid fights. It gives me some peace each week, when I can forget (if just for 1-2 hours), that there are big problems that face us every day & little problems that sneak in too.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BeingRealistic
♀ New Member
Member # 31388
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, everyone. I've popped in and out of this website in the last few days. Been busy with work or forcing myself to do things with friends I've pretty much been neglecting over the past months. I'm trying to have fun like I used to. Sometimes I can. Most times I can't. Today is my anniversary. He got me a card - which he NEVER does - and left it out on the table last night - then signed it and left it there this morning. I tried to go get him a card at lunch time. I couldn't do it. There wasn't one single card I could have given to him. Sorry. I just had to tell someone....

Posts: 18 | Registered: Mar 2011
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