I completely understand if you don't want to 'reward' fWH for the anniversary, when he doesn't deserve a reward for the part he's played in the whole infidelity thing. He basically was married, acting single....he'd been 'out' of the marriage the whole time (just forgot to tell you). Do what feels comfortable to you. Some people say "fake it until you make it." Yea, sometimes that works, sometimes not.
Everybody heals differently, you need to do what works for you. Hugs to you.
Island, whats the good word, any news about OW motions? I hope things work out in your favor, she really has been sticking it to you both so badly. Hugs
Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your
Life by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema (Author)
I am listening to the audiobook. I'm hoping it will help me quit dwelling on OC/OW issues & fWH's past repeated As/ONS/inappropriate behavior w/others.
I think we've all been through the rollercoaster. Even years later, triggers can make the whole thing seem so new and bring on tears. I am glad you are doing a little better. It is very hard to work & keep from crying all day, when you're going though all the stress of D-days & OC issues. I believe many of us sank deep into depression for a while & had to seek IC or ADs for sanity. Yes, I have felt almost bipolar sometimes (happy & everything good; depressed & bawling/almost suicidal). We are here for you & I'm truly sorry for anyone (BW or BH) who is put into the situation of dealing w/OP&OC issues for many years to come.
Perfect quote for the situation:
someone else's bundle of joy is being paid for by my pain
I want to caution you also, once the new has worn off, fWH's sweet/remorseful/caring behavior might diminish. Even though the pain can continue to be real, new, & deep for us, WSs don't realize how much we continue on a daily/weekly/yearly basis to need the reinforcement of love & caring that they display once they're busted by having OC & D-day(s). Sometimes trickle truths loom around for years & half-truths can send you flailing like a fish-out-of-water once again. None of this is easy.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 10:59 AM, March 21st (Monday)]
But, FWH is looking at getting a 2nd job because we are having a big financial strain. He called CS and asked them how it would affect it. They said that they look at the primary job and unless he worked enough in his 2nd job to raise his monthly about by 100 or more a month, it should not affect it. Our CS is also reviewed every 3 yrs and if OW wants it reviewed, she has to PAY to get it done. OW and BIL neither one has a full time job, just call in.
Anyway, OW will be Pissed if FWH can't watch OC due to work.
To answer a prior question, FWH tells people about the A and OC if they ask, pretty much saying that he "messed up and now has a son" he said that he will never deny OC. I don't broadcast it, but I don't lie about it either. OW and BIL lie and say OC is BIL's. To me, that is low, of course, OW lied to her 1st child and said H#2 was his daddy and didn't tell him until their D when he was 12!
DS11 & OC10 have Spring Break this week. I had scheduled to pickup OC after work @6PM yesterday at the local park (our normal pickup/dropoff location). Since I had volunteered to get DS14 from school yesterday, I told him we'd leave my office @4:30PM then go to park early and we could walk the paved track which encircles the small park. We'd walked about 1 lap, when GUESS WHO shows up? We were about 45-60 minutes early, so I figured I'd get OC when OW showed up (even texted OC to call my cell when she got there, as we'd be walking track). OW, OC, & 5-yr-old half-sis showed up. OC's sister yells "I see OC's brother over there!!!" Then OW gets out of car & yells across the park something like "I promised OC & sis that they could play until 6. Is that okay?" I reluctantly agreed. So, OW, OC, & lil-sis go onto the playground area (OW pulls out a book & starts reading). DS14 seems amazed at how much larger OW's weight is since he saw her last. She is indeed much larger than b4 & I don't think she's preggers w/#2COM yet.
So, I kept hoping OC would want to leave early. DS14 & I did 7 more laps around park (2.4 miles in 8 total laps), having to see OW about 1/2 the circle every time around. Of course, if OW looked up from her book, she likely saw me & DS14 also.
If seeing her didn't trigger me so much, it'd be a good laugh. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm in a bizarre sitcom or something.
You have nothing on paper saying fWH would keep OC during practices/ballgames? Why can't she manage OC when it's her time w/OC (they make Snugglies/front baby backpack thingies for a reason)? The rest of us mommies have to wrangle other kids, right? How come she gets a break? And, I completely understand fWH's reluctance to manage both COM & OC, due to COM's autism. Until we upgraded our vehicle to a minivan, it was quite difficult to transport 2 baby seats & a booster in our SUV's back seat. I basically had to buy a new vehicle to accomodate COM & OC together, particularly b4 another child moved into booster (since our state has fairly strict laws about how long kids must stay in booster - until they're 9 no matter what the weight). Before, I'd have to put kids in the vehicle in certain order & tilt the booster out to buckle the middle baby carrier & tilt it out again w/kid in it to buckle it. When I closed the door, I had to give it a firm shove, so all the seats would squeeze inside. It was quite fun, when I had all 3 kids w/me (newborn OC, 1-yr-old DS11, & toddler DS14). Fortunately, the only place i had to wrangle them all was @my moms house. fWH worked so much when they were all small, that I just would pile up & see my mom every Sunday, instead of keeping the kids quiet for fWH to sleep (graveyard shift).
I kinda understand how OW is about not telling people OC is your husbands (especially since she's a newlywed)....fWH always let people assume OC was mine, unless specifically asked (or he knew someone well)...I always said stepdaughter, if anyone asked me & fWH wasn't w/me. I let him do talking concerning OC, if he's w/us. It's just easier that way & I'm not the person having to make up some lie. Why should I lie for him, to save his honor?
Am I happy?
Hmmm. Well, our M has it's ups/downs like any M. After OC was born & she started visitation w/us, it took a long time to get to some sort of normal. I wasn't happy per se, but comfortable. When we began having more issues w/M, fWH's need of me to be a nursemaid/attendant/waitress then I became more disheartened about our M. A#3 took me completely by surprise & then the truths about other things fWH had done & that OC was planned pregnancy that was attempted through 2 EA/PAs, well....I don't think I've been okay since then.
I have days when I don't think about it at all, but then days where I dwell on our situation. When OC isn't home for the whole week, I feel like DS11 is much happier & it makes the tension less @home. I have times when we go out as-family & I enjoy myself. When we completely left state for a weekend reunion & OC didn't go, it was so liberating to get away from home, OC/OW, work obligations, & pets.
I think you can be happy after OC, but if you stay then all the pre-A issues still exist. M is still the same struggle it always was. $$$ issues are more evident, when CS comes out of the 'pot' b4 anything else.
I can honestly say, that after fWH's first A w/OW in 1998, then 2nd in 2000/OC conceived, & third in 2008, that I always feel on the verge of D. Some days are very difficult & get my gears turning in my mind about the "what ifs" about D. Then other days, I get so scared that fWH will die and my fear of the grief is unbearable.
What I can say is, I would have regretted not staying after D-day#1 & conceiving DS11 during HB. Being blind to the truth about OC's conception allowed for R#2. I would have been very sad that DS14/DS11 had to grow up w/out 2 full-time parents, if I'd have D when I found out about OC. It would have really hurt to see OW/OC living in our marital home & raising OC in the way that DS14/DS11 have been.
As for R#3, it was great during HB & for a good long time. But, we still have OW issues. I am much happier that OW&fWH are NC (mostly) and that we have 'real' legal documents about CS & visitation (that's a big relief). I still have days when I say to myself "what in the hell did you think you were doing by staying after all you'd been through w/him & OC/OW then w/fWH's accident and health? How could you stay w/someone you were bending over backward to take care of & how good you'd been to OC & he disrespected you again?"
I think the disrespect involved with the infidelity (especially the planned pregnancy of OC) is much harder to deal with, than the fact that fWH was physically intimate w/OW...the fact that they loved each other over the span of about 10 years on/off As is difficult also.
I'm just rambling...does this make sense?
If OC hadn't been "needing" us so badly & been better off w/us, if OW had been a perfect mommy, I think it'd been harder on me. In all honestly, I think I was the best mommy she could've hoped for. OW should've given OC to us, when she was born. Things would've been so much easier.
I was very glad when OC got into daycare, as she had one of the most perfect daycares I've seen in this area. Her general health & hygiene improved drastically once she was put into daycare. One good thing that fWH's CS payments went to!
Request to choose & pay for daycare in lieu of part of CS, if possible....fWH was so relieved to know OC was being cared for 8-9 hours daily by people who knew how to care for babies & weren't potheads. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just buy OC's supplies (formula, diapers, wipes, clothing) instead of handing OW over the cash? Then, you wouldn't feel so much like OW was cheating COM & your families out of so much. You'd know exactly where the cash is going.
I don't regret staying and yes I am happy. There are still the occasional days when I am overwhelmed with sadness. They are less frequent as time goes by though.
I would have regretted walking away and I would have missed out on the man my husband has become...the man I always thought he was.
We are no contact and I think that it makes it a lot easier on us and our family.
Let's see, what has happened? Well, we are still waiting to hear back from the court. Fwh's lawyer said to hold onto the bonus money until we get the official denial from the court for OW's recent motion. It should get denied because she didn't file in time, but just in case ya know?
Health insurance. Y'all know I provide that. Well, turns out OW contacted the company, and not only had them put a password on OC's acct, that password barred myself and fwh access to our own account online, and we can't get ANYTHING on the OC! No claims, no access, no NOTHING! I raised all hell with my HR (who were equally pissed) and the insurance company...turns out what she did was perfectly fine! So I'm dropping that insurance carrier, going with a different one, and password protecting it from the get go. F**kin cOW, I can't believe something I go to work and pay for SHE has control over, just because she is the custodial parent! But the law in our state says that no matter what the custody type is, fwh has access as the non custodial parent. So he sent off 4 letters to the legal dept of the insurance company, state HIPAA overseer/office, etc. The insurance company is trying to say that since she claimed she was worried about the violation of OC's medical security by me having access (but she also denied fwh access as well), HIPAA prevailed over the fact that I am the policy holder and fwh is the father! Basically my fwh has to prove that there is nothing barring him from the records/info/etc. Wtf?! My HR told me to drop the carrier at open enrollment and go with another who won't screw me like this. Oh u bet I complained to my provider and told them I am telling all my other co workers what happened and to drop them at open enrollment (which is coming soon).
Here's the thing. We now are convinced SOMETHING is wrong with OC, and she doesn't want us to know. I'm thinking he may be a drug or alcohol baby? But she is paranoid/petrified about us knowing his health info. Once we hear back from the insurance company and hear what they say, fwh is going to pursue legal custody plus get access to his medical records. I would feel so terrible for the OC and even more pissed at OW if she did something to him while he was in utero...
But NC has been awesome otherwise. There are days (usually when we get something in the mail from the courts or like when I found out on my own about the insurance, stupid company didn't even call and tell me anything!) That I fall apart, others where I'm glad I stayed. If I regret I stayed, my daughter wouldn't be here. So I can't regret. I do love my fwh as I have been with him half my life, and even well over a year later he has become the man I originally married. Plus he is an amazing father to our COM and they adore him, so yes a part of me stays for that too.
It's odd how she could block your fWH from seeing OC's medical info, unless the court order said he wasn't allowed to make any medical decisions or have access to that @all. Does he have the right to request copies of medical records & is OW obligated to list fWH as birth father @physicians office (or in event of emergency)?
What if OW & OC were in an accident or something? Does anything put fWH down as "contact in event of emergency?"
As you recall, one of the ladies here had OW pass away & had to take custody of OC(s) w/fWH [or I suppose OC(s) would've gone into the foster care system w/fWH paying CS to foster care] As a matter of fact, I don't think we've had any updates on how things went [whether BS adopted, or if OW's family is NC w/OC(s)].
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:25 PM, March 28th (Monday)]
Also, if OC has medical issues, OW might be drawing disability for OC's medical issues (especially if born with debilitating health condition). IF OC is receiving medicare/medicaid, you could be in fraud w/insurance company if medicare isn't listed as primary. Hope OW is handling all of the coordination-of-benefits issues that might arise in that case. I know NC is NC, but if OC has serious life-threatening health issues, fWH would certainly want to maybe see OC before something bad happened. If your policy has a family lifetime max, is there potential for OC exceeding that also? Doesn't your HR dept get monthly/quarterly statements about employee usage of benefits? If OW decides not to pay the copays/deductibles/etc., are you personally responsible for picking up remaining costs (or is fWH?).
Just because I called OW to tell her about OC's allergy testing last week, that does NOT make us friends!!! I'm a Christian, but it takes all my willpower to not just cuss her or kick her butt, for being part of 1 ONS + 3 EA/PAs w/fWH and intentional conception of OC. What did I ever do to that woman, to deserve the torture she's played a part in???
I don't know, but I must've been very hormonal last night. Went to sleep crying. All I could think was, how could fWH do it? How could he be in OW's arms, telling her how much he loved her, trying to conceive OC (while I thought he was @work graveyard shift)...and I was at home alone at night w/a 4-month old newborn nursing him & a 3-yr-old toddler? And I was working full-time days also. How could he love another woman so much, while I had just given him two perfect little sons? He cannot undo, what has been done. I love him with my whole heart, but I hold back on giving him that because of fear of hurt again. I love him so much, but the heartbreak I feel about OW/OC is too deep for words to express. How can you love someone, you should hate? I always wondered how my mom (a battered wife & BS), could continue to love her XH#2....she must've led a tortured life until he finally went NC after shacking up w/OW#xxxxx (wifestress & stbXW). My mom went through OC issues, when her xh#2 disappeared for months & then OW had him served w/custody papers once he'd R w/my mom. How can I tell my mom, that I have new sympathy for her, that I never had b4?