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User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, December 15th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((disrespected)))

I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. I would recommend fWH go through the courts for paternity/custody etc. fWH insisted we not go through the courts for OC & remain civil w/OW & he remain friendly w/her for OC's sake. It almost cost us the M. When OW was married to BH#2 & I thought things would be okay, OW's M was having problems & I suppose ours was also (but I didn't know it was that bad)....they had a 3rd EA/PA almost 7 years after OC was born. I think getting everything legal & a set CS amount etc (even if he is NC w/OC&OW) sends a clear message that OW won't be able to manipulate the situation. OW in our case, was making much more $$$ than fWH (we didn't know) and she was using CS $$$ on her car payment & credit card debt. OW's mother (who babysat for OC in the early years b4 she went to daycare/preschool), called needing diapers, formula, baby food for OC. OW had been spending all OC's CS $$$, then OW's mother & stepdad (who she was living with until she met BH#2 and they shacked up together) were buying everything for OC. OW was always asking for more $$$ for things like yearbooks & school field trips etc. Until we finally went through lawyer & court system....we never knew OW made more $$$ than both our incomes (mine & fWH) combined. She actually thought my income would be included in the calculations for some reason & was snotty about telling fWH that "BW will be angry when I get some of her income."

I just think getting it all legal (if you guys can afford it or if you can somehow get it done through the health dept or something)....makes it more like a financial transaction, rather than fWH & OW having a little family on the side and continue being "friends."

Some people do okay w/OW like that, but just know if she ever goes on any public assistance, they could come after fWH for back CS to recoup their $$$ (like if she's on WIC or food stamps....maybe even if she goes onto unemployment or soc. security disability).

If you have any way of covering OC on your health benefits for no additional cost, might want to do that also to save $$$.

But, first things first, manage some way of getting everything legal & verifying paternity through DNA. fWH actually paid cash for the DNA, not waiting on CS enforcement or anything. He made OW take OC the week after birth to a large hospital about 30-45 minutes from home (which was the only place in area @time who would do DNA for someone off-the-street & not through court system) - cost him $500 in 2001.

Maybe if you're lucky, OW had a ONS w/her xH & it's his baby!

P.S. About OW's tubes being tied. I had a coworker who had her tubes tied & had a miscarriage (tubal pregnancy) & a live birth afterwards. I don't know how it happens, but it's freaky & possible.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Frustrated  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last Friday, OC was supposed to ride home from school w/DS (for his b-day)...which it was OW's week, but COM's b-days are extra dates put into parenting plan so COM always have their whole family w/them for celebrations. Had to take OC back to OW Saturday @park. 2 OW sightings in 2 days.

OC called fWH early in morning Friday, she was sick from school. I had to go get OC from OW @park (yuck). Funny, OW had kept her kids out late again...I think OC wasn't sick, just horribly tired.

Snowstorm came through Sunday night, >3 inches. No school. Missed work, but fWH took me in later in day in his 4W drive truck, so I could do timesheet (pay week). OW trapped @home. Had to go get OC (our week) from OW's house! Their road was pretty snowy still. Even though I told fWH to only pull to end of drive (steep driveway), fWH insisted on driving up the entire snowy/icy driveway (almost backing into OW's tree). I think either fWH wanted to intimidate BH#2 by pulling right up to front door, or for OW to see him. Pretty stupid considering driveway/road conditions. OC could have easier walked down snowy yard & hopped into fWH'd truck.

DS14, DS11, & OC9 all trapped in house for entire week. No school due to snowstorm, then ice storm Wed night.

Since no school for next few weeks for Winter Break, I'll have to see OW again Monday (to take OC back), again Christmas Eve to get her, & Christmas morning to return her, then the following Monday evening for pickup. Way to many OW sigtings for my comfort.

On another note...some of you might remember that fWH might have a 20-something child w/an old friend w/benefits (before I met fWH). fWH has finally decided to try & find them, see if the woman (teen back then) really had his child (she denied it, although her new husband said she was preggers by fWH, but she'd called ILs & told them xGF's baby wasn't the only one he had to worry about). Pretty likely he has a child out there born in 1989 (year I met fWH who was on rebound from xGF - who'd lived w/him as preggers teen & had his not-child that he thought was his for a long time until she fessed up when busted w/OM @local skating rink). Anyway....guess we're going to try some phone #s we found online to see if we can find the old friend & see if her oldest child is fWH's child. A little scary. She's divorced now & I found some stuff online about her being member of Abused Spouse group (if it's the same person w/same name in same area). Wonder how this will play out. If we cannot locate her via phone, he is going to take DS14 w/him to the woman's parents' house...if they still are living at same residence (or still alive). This is scary. fWH might end up w/another child & me w/another stepchild. Wonder if he'll ask for DNA, if the woman agrees. Don't have a clue if the child was told fWH was her father, or if she was completely raised thinking the xH was the dad. She might lie & say NO, even if it is his child. Even though fWH only used this woman/teen, she was deeply in-love w/him (he would only see her when broken up w/xGF)....this scares me.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
webmistress
♀ Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg, this is unreal. H has been trying very hard to find out if OW is actually pregnant. She has basically disappeared from their social network of friends (she's in California, we're in Illinois), and she won't provide him with ultrasound photos or pics of her. She has gone from having twins, to allegedly losing one in the second trimester (said it was "absorbed"). So H just spoke with a friend of his who also hasn't seen her. The friend talked to her online and asked her if she was having a boy or a girl, and she logged off.

The topper is that she offered H a ONE WAY PLANE TICKET back to California. Wtf??? Really? And would you like to know when? A MONTH AGO!!! So even though H and I are deep into R at this point (a fact he has clearly not emphasized to her) she was trying to lure him back there. And one way, to boot. Yep, forget your wife and kid, I'll fly you back here so you can cheat on her again and maybe this time I'll actually get pregnant.

I'm so furious I could scream. I'm at work and couldn't tell H what I really thought of the situation, which is probably good because it would NOT have been nice. He's being transparent, and I'm trying to keep him that way by not reacting badly to news. Still, this pushes the boundary of what I'm capable of handling without flying off the handle.

So this weekend, H's friend is going to go to her house. Hopefully we find out one way or the other. I PRAY that this isn't true, because I want her out of our lives. I want to call and scream abuse at her and tell her what a selfish whore she is, but I know that is non-productive.

Sorry to ramble, this is hot off the presses, and I'm really really pissed.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Webmistress,

It does seem very fishy, that she won't acknowledge pregnancy to friend & logs off immediately. Maybe her family hasn't contact fWH, because she isn't pregnant. Surely, if she's @home w/parents, she's gonna have to get things ready for a baby.

One-way ticket. So, was he just supposed to drop everything & shack up with her somewhere & have this "hopefully" imaginary child?

If you are lucky, you may be one of the few on this thread that has a happy ending concerning OC. Unfortunately, many of us know the reality of OC being true & fWH's child, once the DNA smacks us in the face. At least, we can keep praying that OC is a hoax for your fWH.

Don't worry about rambling...we need a safe place to scream (if only typed screaming).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((webmistress)))

(((repeat))) You remind me why I should want NC, seriously. You are a SAINT.

So we are STILL waiting. We were hoping to hear something today, although the lawyer said we most likely will hear something Monday or Tuesday. Guess the judge has to do X,Y, and Z first, some calculations, etc. and then the judgement gets mailed out. We know it will drop, its just a matter of what the new CS is. We want to see a NUMBER.

Fwh was telling me how she was livid about our new child together, about how she doesn't want OC covered by my insurance because she is concerned over "privacy". Dumb ass. If we did decide to go for joint custody and the kid is in OUR home, yea so much for privacy, huh? Especially if I'm going to be wiping his ass and giving him his meds. Supposeably he is sickly, I'm making my fwh go thru the attorney to find out what is wrong because that concerns me (damn I'm too caring)--fwh thinks it's because she most likely smoked the entire pregnancy because she is a HEAVY smoker (the OC was a preemie also). Which shocks me because he HATES smokers. Just goes to show he really wasn't thinking (obviously ). But again we will most likely continue with NC because OW is a freaking fruitcake that LOVES to play the victim--not worth the headache, legal fees, and havoc on our family and kids.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. We are going to try to despite everything.

I DO have a question. I have life insurance and I have my fwh on my policy as my beneficiary. If I were to die and he gets the money from my death, is he supposed to part with some of that to the OC? Because I will bring my ass back to life. I'm thinking of changing my beneificiary to his sister or my kids (and make his sister the executor) to avoid this. We are going to redo our wills (we had to anyway since we now have our daughter) next month also, and he wants OC to be excluded because of OW.

Thanks!


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
webmistress
♀ Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he should be NC too, but he says he wants "the truth." Personally, I think he'd find the truth a lot quicker if he told her where to go, but he seems to think she'll disappear with the alleged baby, put it up for adoption or something (she has a track record of this; two previous children with random baby daddy that she put up for adoption). Personally, I think IF she's pregnant, it would be absolutely the best for everyone if she did put it up for adoption. H doesn't even have a job. He's not even able to take care of the child he already has, much less another one.

I'm just disgusted. I'm disgusted that this is my reality. This is one of those moments when I want to pull the plug on this garbage dump of a marriage and tell him to have a nice life with OW. They deserve each other. I mean, I think it's ridiculous that he hasn't cut her off out of some misguided allegiance to a child he 1) doesn't even know exists; and 2) doesn't even know is his if it does exist. Meanwhile, she is obviously living in some fantasy land that may or may not include a kid by a married man with a family, who has lied to her, made no attempt whatsoever to assist her financially for her alleged pregnancy, and now is basically calling her a liar. Personally, I think they both need high doses of anti-psychotic drugs.

Island, I feel for you. I have no idea how you're finding the strength to take in the OC and still R. I'm scared because I'm not sure that I can still R if there is an OC, especially of H insists on trying to make it part of our lives. I will never feel safe in a marriage where OW is still a presence in any way. And as for raising the OC, or having any custody--forget it. I don't want to be cruel about a child, but I am not a big enough person to be able to open my heart to a child that was conceived in infidelity, and born by a person I despise. It would be especially hurtful because I wanted to have another child too.

I could go on and on with this. I've been in a filthy mood since he told me this afternoon. Thanks everyone for being here.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm soooo sorry for all the situations we all have to go through for the stupid ass mistakes our significant others have placed upon us.

I can only pray that you all find some kind of peace through the Holiday season..

Well a quick update on what has happened on my end sence the passing of OW.

Had to meet OW family, now that is something I never imagined I would have to do, but they all thought I was very nice, Yeah put on a good front. LOL So many things I could have said. We even had OW two older children come and stay one night with us, before they moved up north with their dads, they just wanted to see where their brothers would be living and meet me.

After all the removal of OW stuff from her house by her family, came to find out that twins were sleepin on s single mattress on the floor, and all the toys looked they should have been dog toys, no joke. Yuck !!!! There were no clothes for us, but we did recieve cribs, oh thnaks.. Think they are a little big for them now... Can we sale Garage sale..... Guess FWH really was a career choice for her, with all her nice little trips. This sure did make FWH realize once again I was RIGHT....

Other than that it has not been all that bad, at least there is two, so they can entertain eachother. LOL

Got broke in pretty good this morning, was preparing breakfast and came in living room to find they had taken one of their play saws and started opening MY christmas present; and recieved the comment bubby did it. LOL ok so which one is bubby

Then I went to change one's diaper and came back into my bathroom where I found the other had taken the bottle of lotion and decided to use it for gell on his hair, OH what a mess.. Welcome to motherhood.

However, I must admit that having OW out of the picture she has taken a load off me. Sad but true, I will never have to see another text or incoming call from her again. What a relief that is. No pick-ups or drop-offs, no split holidays, and especially no CS. I even told FWH thank you for my $2000.00 a month raise. LOL

I am still getting used to the new life style, and the lack of free time I used to have. I also had to give up my volunteering, and schooling for now. But the twins are so adorable and are not at all responsible for the mess that has been made of this situation.

I only wish that all of us faced with this situation could have this kind of relief, if even for a brief period of time.

OW whole family has friended me on facebook, so that they can see pictures of the twins, which I am ok with, for now anyway.

Oh I did make one smart comment during the meeting of her family, they asked if we could keep OW boyfriend in contact with the twins, as he was part of their lives for almost a year. I replied " Now if the situation was reversed do you believe OW would have kept me in contact with the boys" OW sister said that probably not at first but in a couple of years she would have come around.... Yeah right... LMFAO... Just had to say it, could not resist...

Wishing everyone the best.

And for those that are not sure if OW is pregnant, as I was at first. I let her know that we were R-ing, and then she proved it.. Anything to try to destroy our marriage, that is their goals in the first place..

Plus do make sure everything is done legally with you having the upper hand, those who file first in the courts are usually favored better.

We got everything done and finalized through the courts now, they are full custody of FWH, and CS has been squashed. Happy Holidays for me for a change after 5 years of living hell.

I finally believe my "Lifetime movie" just changed into a "Hallmark movie"..


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always like to repost the OC handbook for our new members and reminders for those that need them. If there is something that you think needs to be added, that has worked for you, please feel free to share.

Thanks to Scooter 3377!
Below are some helpful starters for "newbies":
OC HANDBOOK (courtesy Me&My3)

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a pseudo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibility of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.

FAQs wrt OW/OC:

Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE

A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.

Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.

It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 separate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.

The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables

Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.

This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:


NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.

Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.

Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.

Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.

Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 7:43 PM, December 17th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IslandWahine, just wanted to reply to your post in reference to the life insurance.

I am in the same position and because of my legal background, I have set things up so that my estate bypasses my husband and goes right to my kids. This is to avoid any of my estate being passed to the OC or any other children my husband may have that do not belong to me. I have set everything up in a trust so that there is not a lump sum payment. I find that people generally don't know how to invest a big sum of money. Also, I like the thought of separating the money from the person actually raising the kids. The kids will receive a certain amount each month so that the principal keeps growing.

You should also consider leaving the OC some small token so that the court does not believe that he was mistakenly left out of your husband's will.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THANK YOU Scorpio. That's what I was afraid of...I die and OW fights my fwh for a piece of the $$$. I will be calling my HR on Monday to get the beneficiaries changed. I don't have much $ to set up a trust, but that is good to know in case I do come into some $. I will make sure it only goes to MY kids.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 17th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After all the removal of OW stuff from her house by her family, came to find out that twins were sleepin on s single mattress on the floor, and all the toys looked they should have been dog toys, no joke. Yuck !!!! There were no clothes for us, but we did recieve cribs, oh thnaks.. Think they are a little big for them now... Can we sale Garage sale..... Guess FWH really was a career choice for her, with all her nice little trips. This sure did make FWH realize once again I was RIGHT....

O.M.G. Dreamer! She was getting $2000 a month and those poor boys were living like that?!? WTF?!? THAT is what I'm afraid of that the HAG isn't going to make sure that the OC is taken care of because she is acting as if she is $ hungry just for herself. That makes me ILL. But glad that things are working out now (((Dreamer))) OW out of our lives forever would seriously be a freaking dream come true.

Island, I feel for you. I have no idea how you're finding the strength to take in the OC and still R. I'm scared because I'm not sure that I can still R if there is an OC, especially of H insists on trying to make it part of our lives. I will never feel safe in a marriage where OW is still a presence in any way. And as for raising the OC, or having any custody--forget it. I don't want to be cruel about a child, but I am not a big enough person to be able to open my heart to a child that was conceived in infidelity, and born by a person I despise. It would be especially hurtful because I wanted to have another child too.

(((webmistress))) The ONLY reason why I would even consider C with the OC is because I honestly have a soft spot when it comes to kids. I'm a teacher in an urban setting, with many kids who are from broken, sad, awful homes. I worry that this OC is being raised by a lunatic and it makes me so sad. But it's also because of that that WE feel it's safer to NC because OW has just shown her ass to be highly unstable (I mean, arguing with a judge? Yelling out in public? ALWAYS trying to play the victim?) and immature despite being older than both me and fwh. She is manipulative and frankly has shown she doesn't give 2 shits about me or my kids. I don't want HER toxic energy around me or mine. And it makes me sad that the OC came into the world this way, and all I can do is hope and pray that by some stroke of luck he grows up ok. But I'm not willing to sacrifice MY kids or MY family either, as awful as that may sound to some.

(((Hugs to all))). You don't know how bad I want to jump in my car and go tell OW off. I'm just trying to hold it all together until all this legal shit blows over.

Going to do some "shopping therapy" tomorrow Hopefully that gets me out of my funk.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IslandWahine, some life insurance companies allow you to set up the proceeds as a trust. Call your life insurance company and see if they can do that. It is always a good idea to have a will even if you don't think you have much to leave. The reason why is that you can have a winning lottery ticket or a lawsuit that continues even after your death. If you don' stipulate your beneficiaries, the court will do so. You also need to make arrangement for your kids. Your husband can predecease you, even by a minute. I would see an attorney who won't charge you much.

It's a shame that we must think like this, but I don't work my butt off for someone else to inherit other than my children. My husband and I are still legally married but separated and I have him sign and notarize agreements all the time. Currently, he is signing to extend child support beyond the age of majority if the kids are in college. Our original state did that but our current state won't deduct. So, he will pay me/daughter directly once she turns 18 next year. He knows I will haul him to court so fast if he doesn't honor the agreement he signed.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
Hurtful1973
♀ New Member
Member # 30401
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank God I found this site. It's good to know similar situation and I'm not alone. I have found these post to be a source of strength for me so Thank you all. I met my H in college around 93 or 44. We got married in 2004. In 05 found out my H had and A 1yr into our marriage. We R and things were going great I thought. In 06 found out my H had not 1 but 2 A which produce OC which he knew all along but I just snooped upon the information. I was heartbroken but through prayer I decided to R. I never asked or spoke of the child. He paid the CS and that was all I knew. I have wanted children and got off birth control immediately after marriage I was desperately trying to have a baby. Things were going just great I thought then recently he hit me with news that he has another OC#2 by 1 of the other women he was with in the beginning. Both women have OC by him. The OC #2 is 6 month. I can't believe this has happen to me again and to be blind sided he was still fooling around with one of the women. We dealt with this before and I can't believe my husband would betray me again. I thought our marriage was good. I'm angry, crying, loss, and want him to feel the hurt and pain I feel. Then he had the nerve to tell me he wants to be with OW/OC#2. I just wanted to know Why, Why, Why? Cheat and have unprotective sex just destroy his marriage. I didn't ask for any of this. I don't know this man I married. I just wanted my family. I talked to the OW and she informed me they have never stop fooling around and she loves him. My heart is broken and my world is shattered. I thought our marriage was solid. I never would imagine we would be here again. I thought when we dealt with this earlier in our marriage and R he wouldn't do this again. We were not having any problems in our marriage I was aware of in the marriage. DEVASTATED....


M-7yrs (T-15yrs)
BW-37
CH-38
No children
D-Day 1st A-05 then off/on yrs OC 6 mo ago
D-Day-2A 07 & OC-08

"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hurtful))). This whole journey is so painful, and with OC (and in ur case 2 with 2 OW) it makes it more complicated, in my eyes more painful, and more devastating. You know, for your WS the grass may look greener on the other side, but once he neglects that lawn too it will change, and he will be looking for other lawns. In other words, chances are their relationship won't last. They almost never do.

Make sure you take care of yourself. COM honestly complicate R, S, or D when dealing with all this. Make sure you get a good lawyer to ensure he gets nada from you. And don't contact this OW. She is probably loving torturing you, and right now you don't need insult on top of the pain. Remember to be an OW (or even a WS, at least from what my fwh said) your self esteem and worth are reeeal low to go after someone elses man, and to get pg from that man is a major character flaw. Know you are sooooo much better and above that. I have been going thru my own hell and turned to blaming myself, ruining my self esteem and worth, just to realize I'm not the one with the "problem".

No matter what happens (((hurtful))) we are in this awful nightmare together and we are all here for each other. You will find the wisdom and kind words here are not only conforting, but informative.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Hurtful1973
♀ New Member
Member # 30401
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks IslandWahine so much for the advice.

I have not contacted him but of course my mother felt the need to call him. My mother is a very loving mother who wants the best for both of us. She is very supportive of both of us. Thanks God for a great family. My sister (3) want to hurt him bad. I can't see him loving me and doing this. He informed her he mess up the M and loved me. He can't eat or sleep. I know God is not through with him yet!! I was done taking to the OW once I got all the info out of her I needed about the A. I just confronted her this week but i felt I needed to let her know the damage they both caused. I'm just so in shock. Crazy but still love him. I know I can't go back not bitter but very hurt. I talk to a lawyer on Tue. I pray all goes well.


M-7yrs (T-15yrs)
BW-37
CH-38
No children
D-Day 1st A-05 then off/on yrs OC 6 mo ago
D-Day-2A 07 & OC-08

"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2010
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtful... I'm very sorry you are going through this. It stings even more when you have no children of your own. You will find lots of great advice and support here. You are not alone.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2066 | Registered: Feb 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my mother doesn't know. She would most likely physically hurt him, plus she's starting to become a recovering alcoholic and I don't want to knock her off the wagon.

(((Whalers))) I haven't seen you in awhile, I hope you are healing and doing well.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Hurtful1973
♀ New Member
Member # 30401
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see we all have our battles. Thanks this site is so therapeutic!!!! I will be praying for you and your mother. I did want to tell my mother and sister. I just told them this past Fri. It was to shameful. I feel better and glad i did tell them. My family is so supportive. I'm blessed to have them.


M-7yrs (T-15yrs)
BW-37
CH-38
No children
D-Day 1st A-05 then off/on yrs OC 6 mo ago
D-Day-2A 07 & OC-08

"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2010
webmistress
♀ Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your situation Hurtful. As if having multiple A's isn't bad enough, an OC (or in this case, multiple OC's) is salt in the wound. I understand still loving him after all he's done--I think most of us are or have been there.

Stay strong.....


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
Finesse026
♀ Member
Member # 25868
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 19th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurful....I am so sorry. There are amazing people on this thread...


I am sorry for the stress going on with everyone...especially with the holidays looming..


Hugs to all...


Together: 8.5 years
Married: 5 years
BW: 32
WH: 34
Angel baby: Nov. 09
OC born June '10

filed for D Oct. 15, served Dec 18
D final June 21, 2011


Posts: 1795 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Wonderland
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