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User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rrepeat, it has seriously been a miracle form God him/herself that I have not jumped in my car and went for a drive to tell this ho off. I never even knew I had this much restraint. I'm at my wits end though, my patience is in the negatives.

We are actually hoping to try and borrow the $, either from the house (which I doubt we can since we did a refi in 07 and our credit sucks right now, plus the arrears are on fwh's credit report) or from a family member. He sold off the stock (at a loss) to pay the lawyer. Our cars are already used, and nobody is buying used cars in the area, esp since you can get new so cheap now. We do have a few toys we can sell, but are holding onto to that for an emergency (we aren't quite there ....yet). My 2nd job ends in the next 2 weeks because its the end of the college semester. I am going to ask about a raise next week, though.

This state highly favors the custodial parent, and is happily notorious for its vigorous arrears policing. They pride themselves on ruining the father to pay the mother, seriously. The fact the caseworker was like oh well tells us that they don't give a damn about him or COM. I'm sure she gets all kinds of free legal assistance since she has the "poor single mom" label (that she doesn't deserve). Not to take away from the single parents who are doing the best they can for their kids; OW wants to be in the same league and she can't be because she could be working to get her kid out of poverty yet she chooses not to.

I am going to try and enjoy our Easter weekend and not think about my financial life crashing down around me...thank you for your kind words and support. I would be a wreck (and probably in jail!) If it wasn't for you awesome, wonderful, caring folks!

We are hoping the family member who may be able to help us comes thru...we will find out next week (hopefully).


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW started texting me about OC spending Easter w/her. Okay....this is the first I've heard about it this month. Since I'm the go-between (when OC isn't in the mood to break NC via phone), here's the texts I've been getting:

Can I get OC on easter after church? I can bring her back in the evening sometime.

I respond with:

I will ask fWH. We are going to my mom's after church because no school Monday.

OW:

Ok. I understand. So will I pick her up @park on Monday @6pm?

fWH's response to OW's Easter question that I texted OW:

fWH would like her to go w/us to my mom's Sunday.

OW's 3 replies right afterwards:

#1: Has fWH discussed this w/OC?

#2: I don't mean to be trouble, but OC has texted me saying she wants to come home for easter but doesn't want to ask her Daddy. Either way I'm fine with.

#3: I know but I want to spend EASTER WITH YOU. This is what OC keeps texting me. Will fWH talk to her please?

fWH had driven up to his mom's to spend a few hours w/her, so I asked OC if she'd been texting OW about spending Easter w/OW without even talking to fWH. I reminder her it was our weekend & that why is it so important to spend it w/OW...as up until 2 years ago, she never spent holidays like Easter or Mother's Day w/OW. OC argued & argued that OW's family is having big cookout & she has always spent Easter w/her mom....never w/us. Oh, I so wish I'd have video of every DAMN holiday that OW choose to schedule herself to work instead of spending w/OC (she was the manager of one & regional mgr of multiple restaurants).

fWH calmed me down when he got home. Talked to OC and told her that he wants OC w/us on Easter - OW had her last year. Reminded her how OW always sent OC to spend time w/us on holidays & if she was sick ('cause OW didn't have time to take care of ill child). I am still steaming over the fact that OW wants us to allow OC to make decisions about our homelife, holidays, & comings/goings to keep her appeased. She's 10 years old...OC doesn't have a say-so, only her parents!!!! OC is so manipulative...she is just like OW. I pity the people who cross her path in adulthood.

I hate to be this way around Easter, as it's not the reason for the season...but, things like this concerning OW & smart/rude texting burn me up? Almost like "have u asked OC permission to keep her on Easter?" even though it was OC's grand plan to make us rotate weeks instead of every weekend w/fWH like since she was DNA-verified

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 1:57 PM, April 25th (Monday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Angry  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The main reason I know OW was being rude instead of concerned for OC's wishes was that she used OC's full name in the texts, instead of the nickname she generally uses for OC.

Instead of saying (fictional names):

Has fWH discussed this with Kris?

instead she said

Has fWH discussed this with KrystalChandelier?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Suspicious  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH broke NC yesterday. OC was on cell w/OW (in our room nonetheless)...He said he asked her what the issue was about OC spending Easter w/us. I kinda felt he was genuine in his asking, but I prefer to be around when he speaks w/OW. He said she was cheerful. Like I've said before, you get too nice to OW and it comes back to bite you. We're not her friends...and NEVER should have been on either part.

Anyway....don't know what it was about, but yesterday was good until my drive home (didn't even know about breaking NC yet). I just started running in my mind....how could he choose to impregnate her, when we just had a baby together? I will never understand how someone could hurt me in that way & act like it was 'okay' & if it was so important to him, why not fess-up immediately? Leaving me uninformed, made my decisions about R#2/R#3 maybe different than the outcome would've been. I was flying blind & probably the butt of OW (and her family's) jokes. Everyone knew fWH was behaving like a single man, making family plans w/OW...and I was @home thinking we had a perfect family (even though we were ships passing in the night due to work schedules)...GOD, A#2 completely took me by surprise & fWH's decision to procreate w/her....that still floors me sometimes. I told him the other day when he was speaking about xGFs from long ago, how he grew to hate them. I told him, I honestly think you hated me sometimes. He said no, but I truly doubt it.

I'm so thankful that OC behaved @my mom's on Easter (we all went). She even volunteered to help clean out car b4 we left our house. But, I'm glad our week w/OC is over.

One thing that's bugging me. OC has a day-long field trip in 2 weeks (fWH's week). DS14 has his first formal the same day. fWH can go w/me to take DS14 to the location, but cannot for the pickup as someone has to be home to go to schoolhouse @9pm to get OC. Just another instance where we have to put OC's care/need over COMs. The location of DS14's event is out-of-town & it'll be late @night for pickupt....I am fearful to drive there alone. Still waiting to see if OW might get her butt off the couch & drive to the field trip for OC...that way, we could just get OC back from her on Saturday. It's our week, but if they get back so late, I can see no need for us to get OC (students must ride bus up, but can ride back w/own parent). No parents allowed on bus due to space limitations. I just think fWH should be w/COM on his big night & for our safety during the pickup. Damn it! Why did he have to go make our lives so complicated by having OC???? Just me venting...forgive me.

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:09 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone, I've been reading and keeping up with everyone, just trying to deal with what is going on in my world. I'm so sorry for everything everyone is going through, as always.

Ow hasn't been too bad, she's been kinda happy since she started getting her Cs. However, i'm afraid things are going to get worse. She has mental issues, seriously. She is bipolar and abuses prescription drugs. Well, it must run in her family cause her father shot and killed himself last night. I'm hoping we can use this against her since she lives with her parents, and he was obviously a suicidal maniac.

Ugh, why me?


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG eyesnowopen,

Was OC @home when grandfater killed himself?

OW's half-brother died a year or so ago (either drug related accidental death or possible suicide)...I am glad OC was able to stay w/us during that time, b/c OW drove out-of-state w/family and was gone for a week or so. Being around the greivig is confusing for young children.

Can you get "random drug testing" added as a clause to the custody order? For OC's protection? fWH had 'supervised' visitation clause added to OC's paperwork to have statement saying OW's mother (who fWH & OW both know is addicated to marijuana)...only have visits when OW, OW's half-sister, or OW's BH#2 are present. OW's mother was very angry, but I'm certain it hasn't stopped her from abusing the drug. OC even knows "granny goes to her sewing room to smoke special cigarettes." When she babysat for OC all-the-time as infant (b4 OC went to daycare), fWH threatened her by saying he better not find out she was abusing while caring for OC.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah, repeat, OC was at home. We tried to get the drug testing thing added but they didn't do it because our lawyer said it would come back to haunt us, if it was never proven she does the prescription drug abuse. I'm not worried about it now, she's going to go off the deep end, it's only a matter of time :)


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 26th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing, the bad part of all of this is that her father was bipolar, along with other stuff, she's bipolar, so where does that leave the OC? probably bipolar as well. She is loony as they come, I see it more each time I have to deal with her.


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm borrowing this from a men's infidelity site (sections about custody)....seems like these can apply to OC also so I replaced SO/OM/OP where spousal reference occurred:

Developing a Joint Custody Arrangement
You've finally got your CS/custody decree and you feel you can now breathe a big sigh of relief. You may even be thinking, "no more attorneys, no more negotiations and no more custody battles!! - I can finally get on with my life without OP."

For the most part, you are right - your professional relationship with your attorney is over, and you are now in a better position to make decisions about your future. However, here is the rub! As a parent in a joint custody arrangement, your relationship with your xOP will continue as long as OC are part of both of your lives.

This reality check often comes as a huge shock to parents. After all, the reason they chose to end their A was because they didn't get along and wanted to get away from each other. What now! Well, there is life after break-up, even for a joint custodial parent. The challenge for APs is to redefine their relationships and to develop cooperative co-parenting plans based on their shared concerns for OC.

In redefining a relationship, former APs need to make some important shifts in thinking and feeling. An area of difficulty for many xAPs is making the shift from being in an EA to being emotionally S (or NC); moving from a relationship based on intimacy to one that is more businesslike in nature. The major problems lie in the area of personal boundaries. People make the mistake of feeling that they still have the same call on each other as they did while EA/PA. For example, an xOW may feel she is still entitled to know with whom her xOM spends his time or how he spends his money. Likewise, an xOM may feel he can still comment on how his xOW parks the car or wears her hair. Once NC (or S), these issues should be of no concern to either xAP. In essence, they are simply "none of each other's business". When APs make this shift in thinking and feeling, the old buttons that could be pushed, no longer work.. The emotional S is then complete.

In developing an effective and cooperative co-parenting plan, the following should be considered:

* Each parent must recognize the other parent as being competent to care for the children and to have their best interests in mind
* Each parent must be willing to give the other parent full authority to care for the children while they are in his/her care
* Each parent must recognize that any criticism of the other parent made in the presence of the children is destructive and detrimental to their well-being
* Each parent must be willing and able to put their personal feelings aside when communicating with the other regarding the children
* Each parent must put their children's need for love, safety and security above their own needs.

When people are able to meet these challenges, they will experience the following benefits of being a joint custodial parent:

* Having the peace of mind that their children are being cared for by someone who loves them and will place their interests above all
* Having the time to devote to one's own personal interests without being concerned about the well-being of the children
* Knowing that there is someone to share problems and concerns that may arise regarding the children

A joint custody arrangement can transform a flawed EA/PArelationship into a productive parenting effort where neither person feels that he or she is a "single" parent.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you who have visistation w/OC, do you have trouble when OC makes comments about OW/OM? Thing that make this person seem like a saint or best parent ever, when you know full-well they weren't/aren't? I struggle with OC's presence in our home bi-weekly...but it gets bad when OC perceives OW as a good mother, when I know she's been far from that (even though her skills are greatly improved compared to years prior to EA/PA#3/D-day#3). I just want to scream sometimes. How can I keep from bad-mouthing OW around OC, when OC has delusional ideas about her mom? OC cannot remember all the neglect & absentee parenting OW gave her. OC just enjoys OW spending all of OC's monthly $$$ and running roads, so she has the impression that OW is "tha bomb." She cannot remember how we (fWH/BW) cared for her mostly & OW was always getting a relative/friend/etc. to care for OC (even on her days off, she "needed rest" so she shoveled OC off to OW's mother's all day). OW had Wednesdays off & only had OC Mon night-Fri mornings (sometimes fWH would even get OC mid-Thurs from OW's mother). If we don't speak up, OC won't know how much our family sacrificed for her. Is it our place to speak up and correct OC's ideas, or should I just bite my tongue?


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting the article, repeat. That is us in a nutshell. It's sad that we have to continue to deal with these OW's forever, when by all rights we should never have to deal with them at all. Boundaries are a big issue with us. OW has a hard time keeping her nose out of our business but H does a good job of keeping her out of it. There isn't a day go by that I don't have to think, why am I in this situation, what did i do to deserve this? Then i just suck it up and go on with the knowledge that yes, she may have him in her life to some degree and always will since they have a child together, but she still doesn't get the things she wanted the most. To be living in this house, to have my H in her bed and in her arms and to just be living our lives, going out to eat together, going to places together, just being a family. She is still a single mother with two kids by two different dads and she has mental problems on top of that. So really, what is she winning in this situation? She gets her CS and she sees my H take her OC and get in the car with me each time. She is grieving for her dad without the support of my H, she is alone while he spends his time with his family. She exudes wanting my H every time we do pick up and drop offs, but too sad, it's not happening.

Repeat, I really don't know how you do this, at this point in time. It would be hard to listen to OC and not want to tell her the truth. I know that I will eventually be in the same situation but we truly are hoping that OW screws up so that we can get OC full time in the near future or even later on.

Hopefully, the OC in your situation will see the OW for what she really is someday. In the meantime, I would be hard pressed to keep my mouth shut about how things really are. Does your FWH feel the same about speaking up?


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((repeat)) thanks for posting that. I too think it is good information that can pertain to the OW/OC situation and custody.

As far as the OC in your situation, as much as you can't stand her praising her mother, it will not help you to say anything. In fact saying anything to her will probably get that information right back to the OW and then she will be calling and other things. Isn't she in your life enough?

As much as it hurts, I say ignore it, she will eventually see her mother some day for what she is. Kids are smart, she is projecting her mother to be what she wants her to be, but all it takes is for OW to really do something wrong to OC and eventually she will see that she is not the mother she thought. Hugs to you as always.

((Eyes)) I sincerely hope that you are able to get custody of the OC. It does seem to me that OC is in a very unhealthy and unstable environment. Keep your head up, I know it is hard to deal with this everyday.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Cookie7088
♀ Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I hear about how the OC thinks her mother, OW, is it...take it with a grain of salt. No matter what, when you're young, your mom is the perfect person....when you grow up, you realize the faults.

And truthfully, how do you know that the OC isn't going back to OW saying you are perfect....you'll never know!!


Posts: 622 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
hurtbeyond words
♀ New Member
Member # 31772
Sad  Posted: 8:11 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all-
What an emotional day! I was having just a bad day becasue this day was a trigger. The day that she had a sono, found out it was a boy, went to my home behind my back after my H ended the affair. Then guess who's number was on his phone?? She must think I am so stupid. She has been not doing this and all of a sudden since the DNA thing her number started showing up and finally today I figured we need to be adults about this and get along so I offered a heart felt lets get along for the sake of the kids her reply was He loves me, has been calling me, and is only staying with you because of the kids and his kids are so important to him. I then asked why are you holding this child from him and her reply "He knows if he wants to have something to do with OC then you will not be in the picture> My child is between me and him you are nothing. Your children are old enough to deal with this and be told all about this mine is too little" I told my husband all of that and he said it was lies he has had not contact except the times he told me about and he did not know why she was saying those things and if we end are marriage it is between him and I. she has no say in it. As far as for the child can she have it so I have to be out of the picture and that she can keep to her ulitiamtium that my kids are welcome to her house along with my husband but I will never have anything to do with this child. I really only wanted to make peace and now it is really ugly becasue she is so mean and I wish she would be this mean in front of my H who she admitidly wants to be with and sleep with if he would let her. My life is such a mess and all I do is keep plugging away with hope it will get better but sometimes I feel crazy with the doubt and insecurity were my husbands true feeling are. Her or me is how I feel and I feel we should come first and then I worry about the OC. When did life get so hard

[This message edited by hurtbeyond words at 8:16 PM, April 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2011
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hurtbeyond words)))

I'm sorry OW is acting this way. But, I should caution you that OW in my case wasn't lying when she claimed they had been "trying for a while" to get her pregnant. I so wanted to NOT believe badly of fWH. OW texted me after A#3 break-up & both OW/BH#2 D-day & fWH/my D-day that "fWH loves me" and stuff like "Congrats, we are D, it will make it easier for me to be w/fWH." I think some of it was last-ditch effort to break up M.

If you have doubts about fWH, you might need to get a VAR or add GPS tracking to fWH's cell, to try & get a better confirmation that fWH isn't doing wrong.

It's strange OW is keeping OC from fWH, almost like an ultimatum of either OW/OC are your family or hurtbeyond words/COM are your family. Is there any chance he's doing like BMC's fWH & keeping an ongoing secret life?

I know, we always prefer to portray OW as the evil-doer in our mind (wicked witch), but sometimes fWH is just as guilty of sneaking/lying/etc. even after being caught. As long as OW makes herself available, fWH will be tempted (now more than ever because she's his PlanB/BackupPlan). Since OW don't generally make as many demands on mOM as a BW/COM, sometimes it seems like a logical choice to go w/the "fun" of OW/OC...one day they realize that OW/OC situation is quite similar to BW/COM homelife. OW aren't so agreeable/nice/loving etc./sexy, when you live with them! I think some on this thread have had fWH leave for OW, only to return home w/tail tucked btwn legs & begging for forgiveness. Once fWHs remove the blinders/rose-colored-glasses, OW is seen as she truly is (a homewrecker & sometimes a moneygrubber).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
Feb162011
♀ Member
Member # 31936
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure where to go with this so here I am. Husband of 11 years had affair that resulted in OC. he didnt find out about OC child until she was 4 months old. OW is very volatile and we have been told by Atty gen that she is psycho and will make our lives hell. Step dad is willing and desiring to adopt OC. I have not been around nor have I seen OC.
Here is my dilemma: I can't imagine putting a child up for adoption no matter the situation. My husband has no emotional ties to her as he only saw her once at DNA test for about 2 minutes. I know it will be excruciating to deal with OW if we are able to fully R but I am just not sure I can participate and be a part of putting this baby up for A.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.


BS- Me 37
FWH- Him 40
Married 11 years
4 kids together(some his, some mine)
DDay 02/16/2011
Trying to bring our family back together.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Apr 2011
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Feb)) First welcome to our group, you will get understanding and support for the issues that go with the OW/OC situation.

I can understand your feelings. As a mother who cares about your own children I can see why you would feel that it is not a good thing to give OC up for adoption. You and your H have a very difficult decision to make and I suggest that you think long and hard about how to handle this. While you are doing that, I would also suggest that you go back to page #1 of this thread and possibly find the previous thread prior to this one to get a perspective on what our members have to deal with everyday concerning the OW/OC.

This is a very difficult situation no matter which path you choose, but you must do what is right for you and your family. I say that because not everyone will agree with the way you may decide to handle this. We do not judge in this thread, contact, no contact,visitation, joint custody, full custody, and even adoption is a choice for the person that is going thru it.

One of our members had the OC adopted by the OW new husband going on 2 years now. She doesn't post here much anymore, but we talk often and she said it was the best decision not only for her family but for the OC.

If you have an Atty. General telling you this about the OW, it must be serious and you should take it seriously. Keep in mind even if the OW husband does adopt the OC it will take seveal months before it is final, and unfortunately legally, you have no say if your H decides that this is what it wants. However, if you want to try to R, you both have to be on the same page, and that means focusing on repairing your marriage and continuing IC due to this not being his first OW.

So please feel free to ask and questions that you may have or if you need support, let us know.


((Hurt)), I am so sorry that you are having a bad time. Unfortunely things will not change where the OW is concerned until she is treated differently. That is why it is best to handle everything legally. Your H may be telling you this is all a lie etc, but if he continues contact, he is still letting her have a place in your lives. Also if handled legally, she would be giving up part of parental rights and could not keep you away from OC unless she could prove that you were unfit in a court.

I say to you again, what can you live with, what can your children live with? You must make a stand for yourself, whatever decision you decide is best for you. Do not continue to let your H sit on the fence. Please take care of yourself. Hugs.

((repeat)) is so sad to me that after all these years that the planning of OC conception is still such a fresh wound to you. I really feel for you. And all the sacrifices that your whole family makes for the OC, I really don't know how you get thru the days. I hope you take some time and really do something good for yourself, you give so much too everyone else, and yes people say the same to me too, it is really something we need to do. ((hugs))


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC0415,

I know it seems like I should be over OC's conception, but the fact that I didn't know the truth until sometime after A#3/D-day#3 changed my aspect of A#2. I thought it a stupid ONS that happened b/c fWH was lured into seeing OW. And finding out fWH/OW were "trying" to have a child together prior to my conception of DS11 & after his birth just really stings. I guess I assumed when you're married, you only want to procreate w/your spouse & I don't really believe fWH had no real plan of how to hide OC...he doesn't like to talk about it...and does a lot of blameshifting when I bring it up. Okay, even though EA/PA are horrible for the BS, I "get" it...someone provided for some need that wasn't met, but we had COM so fWH cannot say that need wasn't met...I thought he was content in the fact that I had a tubal ligation & we were blessed by two healthy sons. I just don't get wanting to give OW an OC on purpose....I don't think I can ever get inside his head to figure that one out. I don't understand how you can go into conceiving ANY child, knowing that OC or COM would have to settle for a part-time dad depending on the outcome of the fallout.

And something else I'm worried about is fWH's memory problems. He's having memory issues lately, that I hope are medication related and can be resolved during next appt. He forgot the other day that he was on disability...he said "please don't laugh, but do I still work?" I told him "what if you forget that you quit seeing OW, what happens when you call her up to meet you somewhere and she shows?" What if he forgets OC even exists? The memory lapses are temporary, but scary. What if OC is around when they happen & OW finds out...it would devistate fWH if his visitatio were supervised or revoked.

I worry too, that when he goes this summer to have the custody paperwork revised & CS recalculated, what if we owe OW? It has been so nice since he got the legal stuff done then he went on disability the next year & to know that part of his smaller checks aren't going to OW @all. It's shameful to know that OW might be taking the $$$ that fWH needs to help his family & take care of his meds/Drs. etc. I keep praying that fWH doesn't owe OW anything. I am fearful that she could request a back CS payment for any amounts since she quit working & is supposedly on disability...I actually think hers might've kicked in only shortly after his payments did (if she isn't lying about receiving benefits). And to know that if OW gives birth to another COM, that her financial support of OC will be reduced by a %. I know it's fair, but considering how much fWH's health is different than hers, it almost seems wrong. I wish I had a little fly on the wall at social security disability & could read her file....she has no outward appearance of disability & we just wonder what she claimed & if it's considered permanent, life-threatening, or could land her in a psychiatric hospital or something. Shouldn't that be something fWH should know....if OW is too ill mentally to care for OC?

Oh well. Thanks for being here & listening to me rant/rave about OW. Only 8 more years until OC is 18.

And, I did do something not long ago for myself. I left fWH home on a Saturday & spent my Christmas $$$ from mom (plus a little more) and got a perm I was needing & splurged for a facial/neck massage & manicure. I'd never had a facial or manicure, so I really went all-out. I was @salon/spa for 5+ hours. I take lazy days sometimes on Saturday also & do nothing...no yardwork, no cooking, & just sleep all day! I never seem to get caught up on my sleep. It is hard to take care of yourself, when you have a lot of expectations on yourself (and others grow accustomed to you doing so much for them).

I have a lot of regret about neglecting COMs wants/desires to take care of OCs needs. I could have said NO to all of it, but that just isn't me. And under the circumstances & how the whole fabricated story of OC's conception played out, how else could I have treated a helpless child & a duped fWH (I actually felt sorry for him being "tricked" into having OC). I kick myself for that...I hope his stomach just turned loops on itself, when he saw how giving/loving/caring I was for OC and I hope the guilt killed him all those years. He got a bleeding esophagus when he was hiding OC from me, after he found out OW was pregnant. I am sure he had some huge decisions to make (leave BW & young COM or string OW along more years & be part-time father to OC).

********
Feb162011,

I am sorry you are here. Deciding to allow OC to be adopted or whether you go CS/custody/visitation route or NC altogether. It's a big decision to make. It is good that OC's stepfather is willing to adopt, but of course you likely don't know anything about him or his past. I would not have felt badly if OW's BH#2 decided to adopt OC. I would have been fine in knowing OC had 2 parents & BH#2 was w/OW during OC's birth. He might not have loved OC as-much as he loves OC's younger half-sister, but I don't think he would have neglected her. On the opposite, I think we could have handled me adopting OC. OW couldn't have done it though, as OC was her tie to fWH and she used it as leverage for so many years (for $$$ and for continued contact). fWH thought for many years that an old friend w/benefits had his child & even fought her new husband when he found out she was pregnant (she had called & illuded to it so fWH tracked her down when he found out b4 she gave birth)...he went all those years not knowing if the child was his (or if it had a good life)...but he allowed the child to be raised by the husband. He regretted not trying to find out the truth much sooner, but he was able to find the mom a few months ago & she said the child wasn't his. But, I think if fWH had allowed OC to be adopted by BH#2, he would have been able to let go eventually, even though he would have mental anguish over this decision. Considering the turmoil we have gone through over multiple As w/OW, I think our M & COM would have been better off w/out knowing OC. And considering BH#2 didn't know OC was conceived during A (he thought ONS), I believe there would have been no bad blood btwn BH#2 & fWH.

I wish you the best of luck. It is quite odd the Attny Gen. even mentioned anything about OW. Is he being truthful, or is he related or friend of OW/H and trying to make things go smoother for adoption?

P.S. I have known two women who were adopted by their stepfathers and seemed to live happy lives. Maybe the outcome would be good for OC, if that happened. I also know my cousin had to give up a child for adoption (severe financial hardship), but she did open adoption and sees the child occasionally as a friend & her COM (daughters w/xH) were introduced to the child. ONE good thing, if OW is M & wanting to have a family w/new H....you might actually have a chance @R if she goes NC completely.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Feb162011)))

Our dream and wish and hope and desire is that the cOW would get married and that the stepdad would adopt the OC, and live happily ever after. The End. I know that sounds cruel, but with the current situation the OC is missing out. At least with a stepfather he has a better chance of normalcy. We are NC because the cOW in our situation is psycho, she has vowed to ruin my fwh's life, she cannot be trusted, I cannot trust the OC in our home with our COM and I won't risk the cOW further making our lives a living hell. It's sad. It sucks. But it's true. My fwh has no bond, no ties, no relationship with the OC, and in his eyes he feels it would be more wrong to have the OC see our COM being treated differently (although we both would try our damnest to never intentially hurt the OC, because he is innocent). Not saying I agree with him. But if those are his feelings I can't argue that. I'm hoping down the road he thinks differently. It doesn't help that the state we live in totally hates the NCP, therefore has actually HELPED in pushing my fwh from a relationship with the OC.

Plus the cOW tries too hard to be involved in our lives now as is; calling my HR about the health insurance (the freaking nerve of that cOW), she is manipulative and lies. I feel bad for OC because he was doomed from conception--it's not his fault both of his parents were selfish assholes who were only thinking of themselves and not the consequences of their actions.

I actually wish the OC would be adopted by a totally different family. At least if he was adopted by a loving family he would have a chance at a normal, 2 parent, non-crazy household. My fwh would probably even try to have C since he wouldn't have to deal with the cOW.

Even if we did joint custody, the OC would be shuttled back and forth 45 min away, or visitations would have to take place at a visitation center (again, because cOW cannot be trusted). And I would NEVER allow cOW on my property, visitation/custody/etc. would have to be arranged by a 3rd party. That's a sucky situation. The cOW has zero remorse, takes zero responsibility, and sees herself as the victim.

As a mother and an educator, it breaks my heart to think this way, to utter these words, to feel the way I do. And my fwh feels a significant level of guilt as well. Perhaps when OC can speak for himself maybe things can change? Who knows what the future will hold, keeping options open for now.

But (((Feb162011))) again. All decisions are hard, come with prices to pay, consequences, possibilities (good and bad), scenarios; all impact the family, the OC, the COM. An OC situation that none of us had a say in, requested, etc. There are no easy answers. *sigh* It all just really sucks.

Repeat, my heart aches for you, seriously. And hopefully the memory lapses are temporary.

Eyes, I'm so sorry the OW in your sitch is acting the way she does. Does her other child have contact with it's father?

(((hurt))) the OW made her bed, let her lie in it. You know these OW know what birth control is, they know that sex could = pregnancy, they know that chances are not vegas betting odds that the WH will end up with them. For many of them having the child is a way of being attached permanently forever and they know that. The poor children get used as pawns in their game. Sad. don't give her the pleasure of contact with you. She just wants to hurt you, no matter if what she is saying is truth or lies. YOU are the bigger person by trying to put everything aside and try to work this out, she is clearly not the bigger person at all. No matter what, we are stuck with these damn OWs and whether they like it or not, they are stuck with US. Even if we all D'd, S'd, etc. we will always be a presence in the WS's life (esp with kids. Heck even without). And what makes her think she is so special?!? AUGH sorry I'm just a little extra pissed and ranty tonite.

(((all of us))) in these trying times. We are all trying to deal with a situation that NONE of us asked for the best way we can. No right or wrong, no judgements here. You folks are the best!


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also wanted to say that OC's 1st bday is coming up (June), and I'm already worried about how I'm going to react, feel, etc. I don't want to say this to be evil, but it won't be a happy day for me. I don't want to celebrate (but for the record I'm not wishing ill on him, just don't want to recognize the date).

I decided to do something for the community, volunteer, do something right in the world that day so it hopefully won't affect me. I wouldn't be shocked if the cOW tried to contact my fwh--she was pissed that fwh didn't get OC a Xmas present (um...she manipulated the courts to get more money via the arrears--lied about the amount owed; that's Xmas and bday right there for the next few years). Haven't really talked about it with fwh--just mentioned it but nothing really in-depth; was going to bring it up at MC next week. But I'm going to do something good for the world that day, just not sure what yet. And then do something good for my kiddos. Heck maybe even do something nice for myself.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
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