Yes, the reality of fWH having OC does hit hard @some point. I guess for me, it hit hardest when fWH actually brought her home to meet COM right after DNA results came. Neither COM remembers the day though, but I certainly do. COM were too young so they have always thought OC was w/us. They do not remember having their parents happy & stressfree. I had a lot of blowups @fWH for probably the first year. I don't cuss, hit, or throw things...I would just get very angry, grit my teeth, cry.
I don't think fWH could have handled things, if I had been the one bringing home an OC who spent time w/OM also. fWH would've likely strangled me & buried me in a hole out back. I don't know if fWH respects me for dealing with all the OC & OW issues, or just considers it my burden to carry on his behalf.
When OC was DNA-confirmed, fWH was carrying family coverage for us (and still walking). He took the DNA results & copy of papers that he signed to have the BC changed to add his name & change OC's last name (she was born carrying OW's BH#1's last name b/c OW didn't go back to maiden name after D). His HR said no problem adding OC to insurance & made it retroactive to OC's DOB (like they do for COM newborns). She told him he could add any children quite easily, but she didn't recommend bringing home any more OC (she thought it amusing, but I didn't after he relayed the comments the supposedly professional HR made). When fWH's insurance changed & became high deductible, we were forced to look into getting insurance @my business so we signed up during open enrollment. My coworkers had been coworkers @former job also & knew about OC already, so there was no real issue adding her. We kinda fudged a little, as he didn't have a court-order yet saying he must carry insurance on OC. He does have the custody/CS stuff now, but it actually says "fWH must carry insurance through his work." He's not working now, so technically I don't think we are required @all to carry anything...and I'm certainly not required to add her to dental/vision...but, vision is part of medical starting last year when we changed providers/plans. The sad thing is, if OC wasn't on our insurance, OC wouldn't see Drs. @all likely. It's funny, OW gets OC flu shots @health dept. (missing 1/2-day of school), but won't take her to maintain her state-required vaccinations.
fWH asked OC yesterday, are all your tardies & missed days b/c you didn't want to get up & OW didn't make you? OC claims she was sick...funny, all the days she's missed "sick" for OW, have been Fridays @OW's house...two of which involved OW taking OC to appts for OW all over town. How sick could OC have been, if she could do that? Once OW got her butt out-of-bed, she should've made OC go 2 school. I know of once last year that OW made OC lie about being sick, b/c OW slept-in until 11am! OC has missed so many days @OW's house, that she is required by law to have Dr. excuses for any more absences.
OC has field trip Friday...I told her if she refuses to get up, she won't go on the trip. They said the bus is leaving b4 the first bell, so she needs to be early so the chaperones can meet the kids & everyone get accounted for. OW actually gave OC $20 extra for gift shop...after that stupid speech about how she'd have to give OC some of "her" money. Almost like OW thinks every bit of OC's care should come from the SSD $$$ or from fWH's $$$...and she's not responsible for ANY of OC's expenses.
OC told me yesterday, that the swimming lessons that OW signed her & lil sis up for are this summer and they are 2 weeks long! Okay, that means fWH is responsible for getting OC to the pool 20-30 minutes drive from our home (on our week to have OC). And, that either fWH or I will be sitting there for 30-60 minutes while OC & lil sis swim (with OW sitting there too waiting on lil sis!). The reason it came up was that COM asked if they could take the summer swim lessons once the others are over in 2 wks (and they aren't 8 weeks long, only 2 weeks long but 4 days/week). OC then said "that's just like my lessons that are 2 weeks long this summer w/my sister!" I was like huh? I certainly don't care to take OC there, but OW needs to tell us about it.
When I had to add the OC to my medical insurance, the court order had all the juicy details about my husband cheating on me with OW, his substance abuse, how twins were determined not to be his, how their brother was. How they were in my custody. I had to hand that court order to someone everytime I needed to get something done for the OC. The lawyer said don't worry they are only reading the part that says you are the legal guardian who can make decisions. But I told her, don't tell me they are not reading all the juicy details. Cause I know they are. I finally got all of that taken out of the permanent custody order.
I feel like I am living it all over again. The meeting that I had at the OC school last month I had to explain how my older children had attended that school, and now he does too and I am not his mother. I was able to say it really quickly and move on. With the CPS worker that I had to meet last month, I had to tell her everything from the beginning. We were both in meeting crying off and on for 1 hour. I told her for the most part I have accepted my life, but there are days when it hurts, like when I get called the OW last name cause people think I am the OC's mother. An honest mistake, but still stings. That bitch will always be there in my life in one way or the other.
And it kills me how the our H's don't want to deal with shit because they are embarrassed! How do you think I feel. You should have been embarrassed to have OC in the first place! Still a sticking point with me as you can see.
I just keep trying to keep
I think I'm also just pissed about this summer being the first 1 where we have no money to go do something fun, our vacation to our island home is most likely not going to happen. We are doing ok now, but the ever looming arrears bullshit, plus trying not to keep a running tab on how much this has cost us so far (we are now in the 5 figures range ), what we could've bought, what we could've done, etc. We talked about it at MC the other day and I think that also put us both in a bad mood. I had always wanted 3 kids. Before we got pg with my daughter I had a miscarriage, and we decided to wait because we wanted to be in an excellent financial position. Then the cOW gets pg. Wtf. Then I got pg (because that was the original plan anyway). And I had talked about in 5 to 6 years having 1 more (although I flip back and forth on that idea...like today I'm feeling done as both kids are being cranky today LOL), and fwh had asked if we could afford it. That's when it hit me...he ALREADY has 3 kids compared to my 2. And if we had 3 kids, he would have 4. I thought having children was so special between us, we waited til we were older to start a family...and I feel like I have to "share" this when Damnit I don't want to. Blah thank goodness I have IC tomorrow so she can reset my brain! Its what I need right now. I'm just hurt, disgusted, disgusted that I'm disgusted...too many emotions to deal with right now.
He'll do stuff like that, then spent all day yesterday replacing the bathtub by himself while I go to exercise class and it makes it hard to stay irritated.
On a completely off topic, H went by courthouse to get copy of OC's birth certificate. He hasn't even seen OC's BC as OW says it is put up, and if he needs to use it, she will bring it wherever he needs it. Control freak!! The computers were down and they said when they got up, they'd send him a copy. He got a letter from the courthouse that OC's BC did not show up in the database? WTH?! I told H to get on vital statistics.com and get a copy. H does not trust OW with only copy.
BIL and OW's 1 yr anniversary is the 15th (2 weeks before mine and H's 12 yr). H says to me Tues "you know you'll have to tell them happy anniversary". Now the best way to get me to dig in my heels, completely rebel and be an ass is to tell me I have to do something. H said I just shut down. I told him that it was better to say nothing than the hateful things I want to say. The truth is I am not glad BIL married OW, I am not glad she is part of this family, I am not glad that she had OC with H, I am not glad she is on the planet. I could give a shit less about this person. H can be good brother and BIL all we wants, happy uncle and father, get along, play nice etc. but most days I am not interested. H is in charge of buying all cards, gifts, etc to OW's side. I get OC some things, but birthday, anniversaries, Christmas and all is his. If he wants to get a mother's day gift from OC, I don't care, as long as I don't get the same thing from H. To me, she has BIL to get her a mother's day gift.
I hope the kharma bus has not forgotten her as petty as that sounds.
I'm so sorry. It really hurts when OC impacts your way of life that you've worked hard for. You can say "OC is financially fWH's responsibility," but in truth it impacts everything for the entire family.
It is very difficult to have time w/COM or to yourself, when OC comes/goes & messes up the pattern. When fWH was graveyard shift, it was awkward having him home on off days b/c the kids & I had some routines (even with OC around) that we follow & those were so disrupted by having fWH. It is nice to have an extra pair of hands for diapering, soothing/rocking, & making bottles though (fWH was pretty good in doing most of that stuff).
Don't feel obligated to celebrate OW/BIL's anniversary. You find no joy in the situation, she technically isn't any kin of yours (only mother of half-sibling to COM). Even though we're on speaking terms w/BIL & his wife, I don't wish them Happy Anniversary or anything annually (don't even send b-day cards b/c they live up hill from us). If OW wants M-day from anyone, it should be her husband (BIL)...and if BIL want's happy father's day from anyone, it should be from OW. The in-household parent should be the one helping to celebrate these things. Now, if someone (like your fWH) decided to buy you a gift from COM & OC as being such a good Mother/stepmother, then that would be very great! Holidays in-general are very difficult times for me, concerning OC.
In our state, you cannot live off of state funds for extended periods of time...when will OW's support run out? We have WIC (women/infants/children) that helps buy formula & other basic food items for pregnant/nursing moms & for young children (things like milk/peanut butter/juice). Is OW on food stamps & such? Is BIL on disability...as OW could possibly draw $$$ for OC&her other C, from his disability (and maybe even for herself)? Do you guys draw checks from COM for disability...if so, does that calculate into fWH's income or are you the payee? COM's checks don't count toward OC's CS calcs (since they are not the children the CS order is for), but OC's check that OW is payee for does. But, COM do give fWH a CS credit for being in-house (just like OC's half-sister does - BH#2/OW's COM).
Have a nice weekend and Happy Mothers day
anyway, guilt aside, i'm amazed that you all find the strength and grace that you do and i want to say that all these kids, COMs/OCs, are lucky to have people like you around.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
Happy Mother's Day!
My first idea is to get a lawyer to be ready for any paternity suit. Set $$$ aside for back CS & any birthing costs that fWH might be required to pay (and don't touch it).
Don't give OW your new home address. Give her the name/# of your lawyer & tell OW that any custody/CS petitions go through your lawyer PERIOD. This will help fWH maintain NC at this point, since you aren't even sure OC is his. If you work on distancing yourself from OW and allow fWH to completely get out-of-fog about OW, then R might have a better chance.
There's no legal obligation for fWH to be around OW @all until OC is born.
That said, if OW chooses to do in-utero type of DNA testing, that would be different. If fWH @some point wants a copy of ultrasound, that could be requested through courts after paternity is determined.
Work on M & R, go to MC and/or IC for now. Try you best not to let OW be involved in any way whatsoever w/fWH....unless fWH has to deal w/her @work or something.
fWH made me a French Toast breakfast b4 church & I wrangled both DS to go to church w/me. DS11 reluctantly went, but realized he'd get out of doing anything else NICE for me, if he sacrificed his 2 hours of gameplay for me. I even guilted both COM into giving me hugs (boys don't do that after a certain age under normal circumstances).
I did have to drop OC off @park Saturday night & unfortunately OC's giving OW message & then running back 2 car wasn't good enough for OW...she rolled down her window & yelled @me. I make it a point to part 2-3 spots away from OW generally. OW still hasn't paid/signed OC up for swimming lessons (along w/OC's sister)...when I asked which 2wks she was going, she didn't know. I cannot schedule vacation or COM's summer swimming lessons until OW gets off her butt & signs them up! She said she might send them to same city as mine for lessons, b/c all the levels swim @same time (where other town has separate times & she'd have to go 2x daily 4x weekly for 2 wks). If OW signs OC up in another town, it'd be less stress for me, but if she signs them up at daytime class, that means fWH would have to take OC (I think the place is wheelchair accessible). COM must sign up for evening classes, b/c DS14 moves up to a higher level than DS11 for next round...DS11 hasn't mastered all the strokes so he will redo L3.
Anyway....I just hope OW doesn't sign OC up in the same time classes as COM b/c, that'd mean I have to sit @outdoor pool for 30 min daily for 2 weeks (4xwkly) and see OW's face. Plus, if OC is in L3 w/DS11, he won't be able to enjoy the lessons @all. If that happens, maybe I could move DS11 into another timeslot maybe 30min later or something just to keep the fighting down.
You know, even MIL mentioned yesterday that OC has an attitude problem. fWH said OC acts like OW's sister....huh? I thought he always said she acted like OW, what's with not TRASHING OW? I like it when he says mean/disrespectful things about OW. ILs drove over to local business yesterday to pick up some stuff for us, b/c they have a trailer to haul things & fWH's truck was too short. fWH had been told MIL wouldn't be home @all for MD. fWH is supposed to go visit w/MIL today afterschool (don't think he's taking COM w/him though). I might sneak & get DS14 to help me install the dog kennel around storage bldg to have it ready for indoor cats to become outdoor cats (we have to install kennel b/c coyotes have been devouring all the animals in area). DS14 had formal Friday & he looked so cute (but somewhat like a funeral director in the tie/tux). I picked OC up @school Fri night (@9pm) after a field trip to nearby theme park. OC's teacher was DS11's teacher second 1/2 of last year, so she knows exactly who I am. I bet we are gossipped about so much @school among the younger teachers & maybe even principal. Wonder what their theory is about how OC came to be? We've been involved @school since DS14 started kindergarten there & prior to current principal. Even COM/OC's cousins go there (fWH's first cousins' children) & BIL's daughter went there (1 year ahead of DS14 in school).
Hurt24/7, welcome to our group. Repeatbs is spot on with everything she is saying. I would also suggest that you go back to pg. 3 of this thread and read the OC Handbook, it has some very good suggestions on how to handle this situation. I say it all the time, but it really rings true, you have to be proactive and not reactive in this situation. Having a plan, while it doesn't solve everything, is better than living in limbo and waiting for the next shoe to drop. Get an attorney and let all communication go thru him. Believe me it will save you some of a headache. Please feel free to lean on us for extra support and understanding. Hugs to you.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:48 AM, May 9th (Monday)]
this one was a little easier than last year, but i can't help but think, as STBXWH celebrates our DD and me as a "great mother," how hypocritical he is for not even acknowledging that he has more than one mother of his children out there.
this never gets easy, does it, NC or not?
[This message edited by stretch13 at 9:22 AM, May 9th (Monday)]
i feel horrible, i hope it never makes her question anything, but i have copies of it now. so something like that could explain why there is no record of a BC for OC. you should look into it.
[This message edited by stretch13 at 9:26 AM, May 9th (Monday)]
Don't let the OW insert herself into your lives anymore than she needs to be. The OW wants a "place" in the family unit other than "that woman who got knocked up by a married man". Too bad, they get that place, that's all they are. The mother of the OC. Not a part of the family. Sure the OC is by genetics, but the OW was nothing more than a mere vessel. The OC in our sitch would be recognized by my fwh's family, but definitely not the OW. They want what they can't have, and that drives the lunacy.
Sorry for the vent, having a bit of a crappy day today.
Losforwords, thank you for your kind words!
I will be back later!
It seems easier for FWH than it is for me, perhaps that is because I am a woman and a mother, or perhaps it's because I can't compartmentalize like FWH can. Our DD's bday is days from Mother's Day, and on her birthday I cannot help but think of the fact that there is a child out there who's birth he will never celebrate, and a mother of his child he will never rejoice in.
I am back on here everyday again, as my husband's youngest daughter gets more and more involved in our life (she became very close with OW after dday, and all of my stepDs shunned me on account of OW and OC). She seems very remorseful for throwing the relationship with FWH (and I) away (she told her dad she never wanted to speak to him again after his decision to be NC with OC). She has missed out on a lot, as we have missed out on so much in her life. We will be seeing her again for the first time in 4 years this Sunday, and I'm not entirely sure I trust her not to show up with OW and OC, as she did in the past (she will be attending DD's 2nd birthday party). Which would be horrific. A total nightmare come true.
However, even if things go smoothly, just the thought of her being there is a huge trigger for me. All 3 of my (then teenage, now adult) stepDs participated in (and delighted in) the destruction of my life and emotional health after DDay, and after we decided to R. They helped OW track me down and harass not only me, but my family and friends. They blogged horrible things about me on their social networking sites (the youngest stepD much less than the other 2, which is why it is easier to forgive her), wrote me horrible, horrible emails while pregnant, telling me my daughter wasn't their father's and would be "ugly and retarded", etc. So, her presence is going to be a massive trigger, she is so heavily associated with OW and OC now in my mind. So, now, my daughter's birthday party is the biggest trigger I have had in years.
However, as much as my stepD may or may not deserve to be at the birthday, my DD deserves to have some of my FWH's family in her life. So far, she has met none of them. No one contacts us on Christmas, her birthday, nothing, although many contact OW and see OC for holidays.
God, what a fucking mess. I truly do hate OW.
I was thinking about it the other day, and discussing it with my friend today. My H having an A and impregnating another woman is awful enough, and to have that "woman" harass us for 2 straight years, through my entire pregnancy was so horrific, then to have some of the people I loved most in this world (stepDs), who I had dedicated so many years of my life to protect and attempt to make a better life for them, to have THEM join forces with the sOW to try and ruin my fucking life... I'm truly surprised I survived it... well, no, I am surprised that sOw survived it. She will really never know just how horrific she made my life (we did a good job at acting like she was irrelevant).
So, yeah. My daughter's birthday party is turning into a MASSIVE trigger.
[This message edited by Want2help at 6:12 PM, May 9th (Monday)]
I told her she can't fully understand the situation unless she was fully in it, just like I can't fully understand everything about divorce because I have never had 1 (although I have come close). I told her if I left my fwh today, this situation still affects me financially, emotionally, I will still have to explain this to my kids. That LIFE has happened, and that has caused us to drift apart. She's busy running her business, I'm busy with all this mess plus my job, my kids (a toddler and an infant), trying to work on me and my marriage.
I guess I'm not looking for much, just a hug. It wasn't what I wanted to wake up to this morning. She is in a different time zone than I am so she won't get my message until later. I did tell her I will no longer discuss the "situation" with her; we can talk about other things.
I'm so sorry for what SD's have put you through. Even if you had been the most evil wicked stepmother, you did not deserve to have them turn their backs on you and embrace OW. MIL became friends w/OW's mother during the period after fWH's accident. MIL would talk to her weekly & also occasionally to OW (I think). And when MIL sat at a table w/OW, OW's mother, & OW's sister (and the cousins) during OC's preschool graduation, I felt so betrayed. fWH & COM sat at back of gym/auditorium w/me, while MIL & SIL & niece sat w/OW's crew. I even argued w/MIL that OW was trying to take fWH from me & as my MIL that she should not be socializing w/anyone from OW's family. I honestly think that after OW called MIL and proclaimed her undying love for fWH (while preggers w/BH#2's child & fWH hospitalized), that MIL secretly wishes for OW to be her DIL instead of me. OW had foul mouth & loved to argue....if fWH had left me, I would not have given a M btwn them >1 year survival. Oh well. And, I understand COM's b-day being a trigger. When DS11 was having his 1st b-day, OC was almost arrived....OC's impending birth always ruined DS11's b-day & Christmas (as DS11 is 2 wks b4 Christmas & OC is about 2 wks after). I get very depressed around DS11's b-day & it lasts until OC's b-day....I still cannot shake it even tough OC is 10.
My friends got tired of hearing about OW/OC when she was expecting. Even ILs kinda acted like I should just get over it. Nobody stuck around to support me, and I was obsessed w/it. It's all I could think about...I could not function right. My best friend was the only one to stick by me through everything. I eventually got the feeling of isolation because nobody wanted to hear about it anymore. I believe that's part of why I went into deep depression b4 OC's birth...and had to see IC. I was crumbling & all anyone else could think about was that I was bothering them by my constantly dwelling on it. You are justified in your need for support. We are here for you, as nobody else can understand the torment OC brings to one's life. Yes, it's an innocent child, but OC's birth still is the ultimate betrayal. I could have dealt w/100 OW, better than I could've dealt w/reality of OC.
We've gotta do some fancy planning b/c, since OW didn't wait for summer lessons, now COM & OC have lessons @same time in different towns!!! Fortunately, COM's lessons are only 1 day next week, while OC's are 4 days. And, next week's lesson is COM's last one & I suspected some sort of little celebration @end for people completing the classes & I'd wanted fWH to go. That's no option now & I won't miss the final one...so fWH will have to take OC on next Tues & I suppose I can take her M,W,Th (it's a 20 min drive from home & I have only one hour to get home & get OC & drive through rush-hour traffic).
When OW says 'summer' swimming lessons, doesn't that mean after school's out???? Oh well, that's what I get for prodding her into making decisions about OC's $$$$, she screws me with logistics of how to get OC there....what if OC's lil sister's lessons are before or after OC's? That would mean I'll have to be around OW 3 times next week & fWH once.
Plus DS14 has pediatrician appt next week @3:15pm, so we've got to figure out which parent can get him there & back (I don't generally get off work until 4:30pm)...and run OC to lessons (all afterschool). I suppose DS14 will have to go 2 work w/me all day, so we can do appt b/c DS11/OC10 don't get off bus until 3:30pm. NOT TO MENTION: we've got to squeeze 2 shot clinics in afterschool sometime for OC!
Why did OW schedule them while still in-school, when it'd be so much easier w/shots etc. once OC has no school obligations? I might be paranoid, but I think she did it for spite.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:22 PM, May 10th (Tuesday)]