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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, May 23rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=409856


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Tired of Feeling
♀ Member
Member # 32207
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say hello. I have been lurking here for a couple weeks & reading all the posts. It helps to know that I am not the only person in this situation. I can't believe some of the things I have read here. Some of them are pretty scary! My H & I are in the process of R & have NC with the OC. I just worry that the OW will change her mind about NC & then I will have to explain it to my young children. It looks like the OW have a habit of changing things to suit their needs and their needs only. I can't believe my H was so stupid!

Posts: 221 | Registered: May 2011
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ToF))
I'm so sorry you are here. These woman on here are great. It scares me too that there are humans out there that are so conniving,nasty, and vindictive.
Welcome


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all,
sorry I've been MIA for awhile, I haven't even been reading and I apologize but things have gotten worse. I am posting because I want to emphasize how important no contact is between these WH and OW with an OC.

We did fine until he had to start seeing her after the OC was born. I have spent the last four months thinking things were not quite right but wanting to give him a chance, but after he refused to only have phone contact in front of me, and after a month and a half of us fighting at least once a day about something that i just couldn't do right etc. we finally had a knock down drag out and he admitted he "likes talking to her" and if he wasn't with me, he would be with her, all the things he denied before. After a three hour fight, and me telling him to go, but he had to tell our COM first, he couldn't leave. Well the fact that I'm keeping the house and he's paying the payment helped with that.

Now he's promised to go to counseling and stop contact with her, but I don't believe him. I hate him, it's just a matter of time, probably a week, before I file for D. So please take this as a good solid warning for everyone. If they are having contact, it just might happen again. I really thought we would make it, but H is just too weak. Let me say again, I hate him. I'm done.

I will check in from time to time to see how everyone is doing, please feel free to pm if you would like to keep in touch. But I won't be having to deal with OC after this next week or so, hopefully. And you know what? I'm happy about it, I grew close to him, but all I can see is he helped destroy my marriage and I would rather go on and raise our COM by myself. At least he will grow up to have respect for women and won't do this to one after seeing how bad his dad messed up our lives :(

Going to check out the Divorce forum now, best of luck to everyone :)


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eyes,

I'm so sorry. You've read my story & know fWH had 3EA/PAs w/OW (the last one when OC was 8). You just cannot trust fWH to maintain boundaries w/OW...NC seems to be the only way in some cases.

I'm just so sorry.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Eyes))
Sorry you are hurting. So I posted over in JFO. Wh is leaving. Got a place and is moving out on the 1st. I get to scramble now to find an apt that i can afford. I am so down and heartbroken today. I just don't get why he did this. He admitted to having sex more than twice which I had suspected. He said it wasn't very many times but he figures it's most likely his because of that. He is sooo sorry for hurting me(stupid POS) he said I don't laugh or smile anymore and it kills him that he is the reason. He said the pain OC is gonna cause me is too much for him to bear. I don't know how to let go and move on. He is all I've known for over 12 years. Our 12TH Annniversary is on June 10. i can't even breathe right now

[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 8:32 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)]


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Trying)))

Oh no. I'm so sorry. BS do lose their joy & smiles during the depression. It takes so long to deal with the pain & OC issues of PA just make the healing much long (and neverending, in my opinion).

I will have to read your other posts, but is WH moving in w/OW?

[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:37 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)]


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he can't stand her. He feels very trapped by her. He knows that he did this but he is angry she is having OC. He said he was at a low point and thought we were over she came along he had sex with her but can't really explain why. He said it was just that sex. He said he told her that all along. So her keeping this baby frustrates him because he doesn't like her or want a baby with her. He feel obligated to be a part of OC's life and knows it's tearing me up. OW is having the girl I always wanted.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((tryingtosmile))))

i'm so sorry...i wish i had more comfort for you.

So her keeping this baby frustrates him because he doesn't like her or want a baby with her.

i hope this infuriates you the way it does me....i'm sure you've probably launched choice words at him on this one...but seriously? how about a condom? who does he have to be pissed at but himself?

i understand all the emotions naturally directed at OW, but that kind of deflection of responsibility is so immature. it only takes one person to prevent a baby or STDs...not both.


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying,

Have there been repercussions @work since OW was coworker? I'm sure everyone knows OW is carrying his supposed OC, right? If fWH supervised OW in any way or could be considered upper management, OW could file sexual harassment charges on top of everything else. If OW did not get what she wanted by having OC, she might try to get more $$$ from the company in a lawsuit (and would probably be settled out-of-court in a hush-hush closed courtroom settlement).


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((eyes)), I am so sorry. You are very right about the contact. If it can not be done as a united front, there is always the chance of them slipping back into the relationship in one form or another. I have unfortunately seen it happen to a couple of our members here and I am so heart broken for you. But you know, you gave it your all, you did your best to work with a situation that you did not create. You are a strong woman, and you will get thru this. Hugs to you and I am pulling for you.

((trying)), the guilt that a h feels can be so overwhelming that they just can't take it anymore. However, I personally believe that it is a cop out. IT is easier for them to just walk away from the pain that they cause then it is to face you everyday and try to repair the hurt. It takes two to R, you can't do it by yourself. I am so heart broken for you as well because I know you really wrestled with your feelings on whether this was a situation that you could try to accept. You are a strong woman, and you too will get thru this. If you still have my number, please feel free to contact me, I am here for you.

((Tired)), welcome to our group. Unfortunately the horror stories you have been reading are real. That is why I say I can't judge anyone who makes a decision whether to have contact or not. You have to protect your family first. Please feel free to lean on us if you need understanding and support.

My H and I had a good talk last night about what he has done to me, and I think he finally gets it.

One day at a time, no matter which path we choose. Hugs to us all!

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:50 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She no longer works there. Hasn't for months. When she was working there she told everyone OC was from ex that wasn't in the picture any longer. I believe only 1 coworker knows at this point. Once she posts on FB with his last name it will be out for everyone. She won't go after any kind of harrassement charge because she still wants him and is still hoping he will be with her.

Stretch
Choice words absoloutley!! I was like you stupid F*%k why wouldn't you wear a condom. I said you knew she was a whore she was effing a dude with a family. He just keeps saying he doesn't know what he was thinking why he did it why he was so stupid. He just keeps apologizing and says he always sabatoges the people and things he loves the most

[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 12:01 PM, May 25th (Wednesday)]


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Ladies,
I know i do not post often. But i do read alot you women help me out more then you know. Well this week we got good news the OW decided she no longer wanted OC so she signed over her rights and i get to begin the adoption process!!!! yippee


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((#1survivor)))
Congrats!! glad someone has good news


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful news survivor. Here's to you new journey.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, #1 survivor! That is incredible news! However, I tried to look through all of your previous posts to reacquaint myself with your story, but I can't find them. What on Earth led up to such a thing? Give us the scoop! This would be a dream come true for me, even better than OW wanting FWH to sign his rights away!!

Well, after 2.5 years at his new job, and seeing all but one other employee get laid off (at this particular branch) FWH was laid off. So, he called the child support office to let them know he will be on unemployment, and they put him through to the "recession task force" our state has had to create due to the economy here. They are going to refigure his CS amounts to both OW and exW (his youngest with his xW is 18, but intends to go to college, so in our state it will be til she is 21). After 6 months, if he has a job, the CS amount will go back to it's original amount.

I'm frightened, as I truly think it was a fluke for OW to be awarded so little CS (if you aren't familiar with my story, OW was lying to the state about how many adults were in her household, getting food stamps, cash assistance, etc, and lied saying she paid $600 a month in childcare- total lie, her new babydaddy watches the kids while she works nights- so she was awarded almost $600 a month in CS, about 1/3 of my FWH's meager income, since he was in an apprenticeship program. FWH appealed the amount, he had a phone hearing with a judge, and the judge decided it was an unjust amount, and awarded OW less than $200 a month CS, and ordered her to pay her own childcare and even health insurance). I am really hoping they don't end up raising it, instead of lowering it. FWH's unemployment will not be much, at all, and I am in school. So not looking forward to being involved with OW in anyway. I want me and FWH to be as far from her mind as possible, but is that even possible when she has to look at his child everyday?

Also, I am wondering if they will take her newest OC into consideration in the calculations, since they took our COM (born after OC) into the calculations? Does anyone know?

Anyhow, things went great with stepD, the party went well, she is supposed to be coming to stay with us for a weekend in the next week or so. I am almost able to forget that FWH's A cost me my relationship with my stepDs, who I once considered the most important people in my life.

(((eyes))) and (((trying))) I am so sorry for you ladies. This has to be so awful. Like we don't go through enough when being put in this situation. Hugs to you both.

Also, about the condom thing, yeah, the condom aisle at the grocery store is pretty much my biggest trigger. To think that employing one of those simple devices could have kept all of us from being here...


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((eyes)))
(((trying)))
(((tired)))
Congrats survivor!

If I missed someone I'm sorry and I'll go back and check.

Eyes, you have went above and beyond to get R to work. You do what you need to now--watch when your fwh gets out of the fog...he will be so regretful and it may be too late.

Trying, my fwh says the same thing too "Oh I don't know why I didn't" although the OW did tell him she was unable to have children...but she could've been a harbor for all kinds of DISEASES!!! So STUPID, huh? I know when I see condoms at the store I just SMDH and AUGH...$5 could've saved me THOUSANDS...

NC or C...they both have their own level of suckiness. I agree with BMC--no judging here because either way SUCKS.

Sooo....I think we have found the holy grail of lawyers. She is a no-nonsense, kick ass, no bullshit, absolutely cannot stand people who do what the OW does (she feels it harms others who legitly get screwed and who truly need the help). Coming up with the $ was HARD--we made some serious sacrifices plus some bills are going to be late, but next week we will have the $ for her retainer. She is not only going to represent my fwh with these BOGUS ASS contempt charges (oh...and we ARE asking for reimbursement of the attorney fees), she is going to attempt to fix all the errors of the last lawyer. I get to be present when the cOW fries like bacon in a hot pan!!! Or at least she better. The best part?! It's the SAME judge. I thought it was a different judge, but now the cOW gets to show her ASS yet again. I'm hoping the judge throws the book at her. For once...I am hopeful. And it feels good.

Found out the union changed our insurance. It's all deductible now. Damn near $1000 for family!!! Not sure what we are going to do with that--we have another open enrollment coming up soon and I'm going to have to ask more questions. Hopefully in time for court so it can be addressed then. Oh and the lawyer said she will make sure that cOW is told to NOT call my HR in regards to the insurance.

I hope everyone has a good rest of the week and has something nice planned for this weekend. Do something nice. Go somewhere nice.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
eyesnowopen
♀ Member
Member # 28406
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you everyone, hugs back to everyone. I'm so disappointed, it's so hard to deal with this. I feel like i have wasted 13 years of my life with this man, the only good thing was our COM.
I did give it my best shot, its never going to work, they increased the contact between them the last two days, big time. and i think he met her today when he was supposed to be at work. Im filing in the morning. I'll check back soon, just going to lick my wounds for awhile :(


Me: selfish witch who didn't want three people in our marriage
Him: FT who thought he could have both of us and the OC too

Divorced..drama free...movin on!


Posts: 328 | Registered: Apr 2010
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Eyes))))) so sorry. I know that feeling of wastedness. You are an amazing woman who fought the good fight. And AUGH on their increased contact. Karma.will.get.them.

Again I'm sooo sorry. Lick your wounds and know you are awesome. Your child is lucky to have you!


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, May 26th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I have only posted a handful of times cause i was not sure if OW was reading or not so i prefered to stay safe. When all this started all the OW wanted with OC i swear was attention from my H so she said she was having an abortion so we agree to pay she changes her mind, She wants to put the OC up for adoption we sign and she changes her mind, she wants him to sign over his rights so we sign and she changes her mind. Keep in mind during all this she was stalking, harassing, and doing everything possible to ruin our lives. So OW has OC and through court order we are ordered to pay 600 a month. No surprise 3 moths later while my husband was overseas I GET SERVED with child support modification paperwork, She was wanting 1200 a month. Again keep in mind we have been NC with the OC since birth we thought it would be best for our family and COM. So my lawyer stalls the CS hearing for over 6 months and during this time we ask for the OC medical records and things like that and she never gives them to us. So being sneaky i found out the OC pediatricians name and my H made and appointment to get the records and talk to the doctor. Long story short (or as short as i can make it) OC was being neglected. OC was 18 months but was more like a new born. So we had an emergency hearing and prior to the hearing we got a total of 10 hours of visits with OC. At the emergency hearing we were granted temporary custody. So needless to say 7 months later she signed over her rights saying she was doing what was best for the OC.

To me it is kinda funny how when OC is living with the OW how they need more money constantly to raise OC but the moment the shoe is on the other foot and they would have to pay for OC it is in the best interest of OC to sign over rights. Its true these children are paychecks for most of these women and when the money runs out i think so does the love. either way it is so comforting to know she will be gone forever soon. Happiest day of my life. I will continue to read and post here occasionally cause you ladies are the only thing that kept me sane for the last few years. Like i said i hardly ever posted but the stories you ladies told i knew where you where coming from and i could relate. Thank you ladies so much for helping me tremendously these past few years.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
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