When I finally manned-up & laid some groundrules/boundaries, I also blocked calls/texting from&to OW's cell #s. I could not block their home # b/c I was afraid OC might need to call fWH. I even went so far as to block texting from OC's phone b/c once b4, OC's phone was a hand-me-down of OW's secret TracPhone for texting/picturemailing fWH. I figured there was no absolute need of OC to text fWH & OC was more than welcome to call fWH. I cannot block picturemail unless I block ALL of fWH's picturemails & he exchanges jokes etc. w/buddy so I was concerned about limiting that since he barely has outside friends now that he's SAHD.
I always (for spite) put "Mrs. BH#2" on her letters....instead of the slang nickname most everyone uses for OW's name & she signs most everything with.
Before all heck broke lose over A#3, we did not have any such boundaries set, but I wasn't privy to all the details of OC's conception or previous 2 EA/PAs either.
I think it's good to have a set of groundrules/conditions in-mind. Some of the ones I set forth for us, were conditions of R#3. If I even attempted R#3, I had to feel secure in my M & I had not felt that way since b4 OC was conceived. I had to know OW's friendship/EA/whatever, wasn't as important to fWH as me & our M & family.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 11:08 AM, September 17th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 4:39 PM, June 6th (Monday)]
I just wonder if OC will hate me as she grows up, b/c I did not D fWH and allow OW/fWH to marry. That OC will resent COM b/c they have both parents full-time & she does not. I just wonder what OC will think about me. I cared for her needs, I rocked her/bathed her/sang to her/dressed her/took care of her when ill. I do not LOVE her like I LOVE COM, but I do the best I can given the circumstances. She more feels more like a sister or niece or cousin, than a COM would. I do not want to be OC's friend, I want to be a good example & try to raise her right when she's w/us, but I do not want to buddy-up with her & cruise town when she's a teen...or hang out w/her friends. Is that wrong to feel that way?
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 11:10 AM, June 7th (Tuesday)]
Luckily right now I do not have boundary issues with the cOW because of the resentment my fwh has for her/her actions. However I do worry if later on if he does have a relationship with the OC (which I have been encouraging, at least down the road) and has to talk with OW...I don't want to feel like I'm "sharing" my fwh with the cOW. I don't care if she is OC's mother, she means NOTHING and is insignificant--a "vessel" if you will. She will never be allowed at our home, never be allowed to interact with MY kids (ha ha ha in her face that I would get to interact with hers, I KNOW that chaffs her ass), she will never be accepted by either of our families. And I laid down that law for fwh that she is to not have the title of ANYTHING other than the OC's mother.
I've been "gone" lately because I'm starting to come to grips with the fact MY husband made another child with another woman. That they have a "bond" (whether he likes it or not) in that they are the parents of the OC. And it's KILLING me. It's like ripping off a hangnail--you KNOW doing it (accepting it) is going to hurt like a son-of-a-gun, and the pain will linger, there may be blood, you may need medication...but in the end it will heal and grow back. I am at the JUST ripped off the nail part. And it HURTS. I'M supposed to be the mother of my husband's children. It's only supposed to be ME ONLY. ME. ALONE. And now there is another. I will have to see a child that looks like my fwh (actually, from what my friend told me the OC looks only a teeny bit like my fwh, so must look just like her...which I can believe because our son looks exactly like me). I will have to know that even if it meant absolutely NOTHING, that he laid down with someone else and conceived a child. THAT IS FREAKING KILLING ME. But I keep 2X4'ing myself, hoping to just let the pain hit me now and not later. Just want to deal with it NOW. I don't want the hurt later.
So I'm also not going to court with him. We had a long talk about it. The main reason is that I just can't afford to take the day off. I lost over $1000 when I took off the 4 days recovering from my surgery, and now that we had to pay the new lawyer...I'm so behind on bills and so broke. Also, my fwh is "embarrassed". TOO. FREAKING. BAD on that one I said. Also, he's afraid that if she says something to me, that I'll either A. flip out B. reach out and grab her C. break down in a mental fit D. all the above and then some. He said he KNOWS she will try to put a wedge between us because she wants my life. She wanted to be ME and she will never...ever...have that. Plus she's going to be pissed over all the extra motions the lawyer is filing. I immediately asked him if he's afraid she is going to say something that I don't already know; was he hiding anything. He got upset and reminded me that I've had her name, number, address, etc. this whole time and could've checked. True. I don't have any gut feelings this time though, so I do think he's for real. Plus he knows the consquences of hiding shit from me. Also we also have babysitter issues for that week, AND even my IC recommmended that the first "meeting" I have with the cOW be FAR away from a courthouse! And the city that the courthouse is in...let's just say they aren't so "friendly" to folks of mine and my fwh's ethnic group...
(((BMC))) Oh hun I am always here for you, please call on me whenever you need to. You and Repeat have been so amazing to us all here.
Ok screaming baby gotta run!
Well, since FWH was laid off unexpectedly, he had his CS order revised temporarily (for the next 6 months). OW did get a $400 dollar credit for her newest OC (NOT my h's kid), which pissed me off, as FWH got barley over $400 for 2 kids (our COM and his DD from his first M). Oh well, bitch. Keep churning out your OCs. They can't make you happy.
OC's child support was reduced to the minimum- $100 a month for the next 6 months, as OW makes slightly more at her job then FWH will on unemployment.
Now here is what I think is fishy:
For FWH's income amount, they had it figured out down to the PENNY. $XXXX.97. It says "Verified through unemployment insurance department".
OW's simply said "$X000" a month, and "Verified with employer".
I saw her per hour wage last year, and it was something like $XX.19 an hour, how do they figure she makes exactly $X000 a month? Did she not have to submit a check stub?
Anyhow, hopefully the CS being lowered even more really lights the fire under her ass to have her new baby daddy adopt OC once they are married this summer.
I would just like to say to OW: Sorry that this baby didn't turn out to be the husband winner/paycheck you had hoped for. Don't spend it all in one place, bitch.
And repeat, I'm sure the cOW in our sitch will lie to the OC about his conception (although I suppose its not kind to tell him the truth), however once he's older simple math will tell the story. He was born in between the COM so he will figure it out on his own. I actually do find myself hoping he resents the cOW. If he wants to resent me that's fine. I'm not the cause/reason why fwh and cOW are not together...even if I left my fwh he still wouldn't have hooked up with her. She was merely a wet hole in a mattress and that is all. He may have resentment to my fwh and I think that's understandable, esp if NC continues once he's older.
Ok, gotta work now
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 7:08 AM, June 8th (Wednesday)]
I'm sorry you are triggering so badly around OC's b-day. I do also. OC's pending 1st b-day sent me into deep depression again & I had to be put on ADs for about 6 months. And, this was way before I even knew OC was 'really' planned. I'd just thought OW was lying to try to cause me to file for D b4 OC arrived so she could have fWH around for OC's birth.
And the SSN thing, fWH doesn't keep up w/anything like that. I keep up w/all the paperwork for all the kids & the insurance stuff. Even though fWH formerly carried us all on his health ins (until his company went to high deductible plan & we couldn't afford it), I had always maintained EOB records & insurance cards etc. I'm the one who makes sure OW has copy of benefits package (describing what's covered) and also the latest insurance cards.
When fWH was going to have to take OW to court over custody/CS stuff (when she refused to sign the agreement she verbally had said she would)...I wanted to be in court. I wanted to see the judge's reaction & wonder what he said. If he'd say anything about the calc sheets that said OC was born after COM & the judge would see me there w/fWH. If he'd condemn OW for refusing to sign w/out being served & us having to pay court costs. They frown upon in-court things when it could've been handled out-of-court easily. OW was willing to sign, b/c they were smack-dab in the middle of EA/PA#3 when he had the papers initially started (he sold his 4-wheeler to pay for it), but once they were ready to be signed...it was after D-day#3 & OW was being a trouble-maker @OC's ballgames & having her relatives do the same. Oh, and of course crying on the phone (have the recording to prove it)...about how 'hard' this has all been for her. Cry me a river. I still wonder if EA was far longer than fWH will admit to, but I have no tangible proof of such.
Anyway, OW is allowing me to get OC @9:30pm Thurs, b/c fWH's 41st b-day (and FIL's 60th b-day also) is on Friday. I have to take OC back to OW @2pm on Saturday. gotta see OW again on Monday too for pickup! COM have swimming lessons, but we might just pay for OC to go swimming @same time & let COM stay after the 30min lesson. OW texted she "didn't know what date/time OC would have lessons again." ? It's only 2 wks away supposedly, hasn't she paid already & gotten the schedule? Why would she tell OC she had lessons on June 20-23rd/27-30, when she doesn't even know if the classes are full yet? This is ridiculous, if u ask me. We cannot plan anything b/c OW. I am now almost certain she did this b/c we signed OC up for allergy shots 2x weekly (which OW has to take OC to on her weeks). That was not an extracurricular & I suppose we should've checked with OW about it first...I just didn't think she'd mind b/c it was for OC's health. But, OW signed OC up for basketball b4 she even asked if we could take her to out-of-town weekend games. OC claims she's going to sign up for both soccer & basketball this year....this is news to us, b/c the driving/gas is expensive & time-consuming & we have 2COM@home who resent having to sit & watch games, when DS14 asked to play years ago & fWH's excuse was "we cannot run all over & sit so long." fWH doesn't like to disappoint OC & unfortunately OW cannot be depended on to actually take OC to all the games.
I'm sorry fWH was laid off, but @OW losing her mealticket temporarily. If he's laid off & reduce CS, does it add up like back CS (or is it just a wash for now)? As for OW's income, I think they take base pay $xx.xx X 40 hours (if that's how much she works). Sometimes though, they might look at IRS thing & divide annual gross income by 52 wks. If your state has state income taxes, CS services likely has full access to OW's tax records. I know here (from working as temp once @CS office - or company they pay to track down deadbeats & such), they had agreement w/multiple states about tracking income by SSN (as not all states share that info back then). If a SSN showed up as paying taxes (or maybe they got the info from employer things they pay on your behalf to state unemployment or something), they would know exactly where someone worked & serve the father w/paternity suit & blood testing (no DNA avail. then). You know, my mother's xWH#2 had OC supposedly & they determined OC was his by blood type & eye color only. Back then, xWH#2 was drunkard so my mom paid his CS so he wouldn't be arrested. Who knows, that OC might not have even been his child (as she hauled 3 men into paternity thing b/c she had relations w/multiple men during same time period and she had no clue who the father really was).
Didn't you say that you & not fWH had custody/guardianship of them?
I had a friend who's stepfather wanted to adopt her, but bio father was AWOL. They had to put legal notices in newspapers in area where his last known residence was stating he needed to step forward b4 such & such date. He never showed, so they terminated his legal rights to her & allowed adoption process to go through & she took stepfather's last name AND had BC changed.
He felt that I was holding onto the past and not really forgiving him. He is upset about not being the man in the household and said that living on his own, he started to enjoy the freedom and coming home to a quiet, clean house. He said he was very cruel with what he said to me last week and he is sorry for destroying my life and taking everything away.
To me it seems that he is going thru a deep depression, but nothing has changed, he still wants to end the marriage and I am going to move on. I hope he get the help that he needs.
As far as the twins, OW slept with so many people back them, she doesn't even know where to begin to figure out who the real father is. She told the social worker that she always thought they were my H's. So no they didn't put an announcement out in the papers. Or it would have had to say " If you slept with this slut in 2002, please come forward". Probably have a line like you going to the bathroom at a baseball game.
But seriously the guardianship is a very serious situation. If the judge decides to not leave them with either of us, they will go to foster care if OW's family doesn't step up, they didn't 4 years ago, I wouldn't expect it now. My H did say that he had not thought this all the way thru and did not realizes the ramifications of his selfish behavior.
So right now, protecting the OC custody is most important. He will be taking physical custody on 6/17 and I will have visitation as stated in our legal agreement. I wish it had not gone this way.
Thanks for your support Island and everyone.
So fWH is of course taking his son (OC), but you are still Legal Guardian of twins (girls)? On paper, does he have rights to make decisions for the twins or only you? Schools will be so confused, won't they?
I am somewhat surprised that he did not just let twins go to foster care, as it seems like he is lacking somewhat in the responsibility department.
Hmmm. Clean household to come home to. That's generally a fairytale dream of parents, right? I suppose he will clean up after OC & twins, so it remains that way. Once they are gone for summer, what is he planning on doing in terms of summer care (babysitter/daycare?). Can he really afford that, since neither of you receive state support for them (like a foster parent would)? I feel sad for the children, because he just does not know what he's getting himself into, does he? Raising children alone, is certainly hard work. I am fortunate to have fWH helping w/COM & OC. So much more now that he's disabled & a SAHD.
What do COM think about fWH taking OC&twins to live w/him? Will you have overnights w/them, or just a few hours here & there. You have been so much better to these children than they ever got from OW.
Now, is fWH drug-free & his new place safe for OC&twins? Will fWH receive support for OC (son) from state, or something, since OW is obviously MIA?
Will any of your older COM be helping fWH with OC&twins?
You are in my thoughts/prayers. I feel glad for you, that the hoopla of the M is ending, but saddened b/c those children will miss having you in their daily lives. Having OW completely disappear from your life....well, that's priceless isn't it?
I am sad for anyone going through D though. But, sometimes it just is inevitable.
I will have visitation with them, probably not overnights during the summer as my house is getting completely redone inside, new carpet, painting, big appliances, bathrooms redone, everything I have been trying to get done for 16 years by the landlord, so it would be best if they were gone for the summer as planned. He claims he has a babysitter set up, but last night as I watched him, I could see that he was stressed, he kept holding his head. He was suppose to get onthe bus and go home last night, but he stayed with the OC a little longer and when I woke up (because I was sick), he was in the bed with even his shoes on. I didn't move him.
He wants to do this, he said it is his time to be responsible and I have to let him. My older children will not be helping out anymore as none of them is really talking to their father right now. I just wish this wasn't happening.
Not much new here. OW being her usual crappy self. She has been bugging H (and me since she only has my #) about sending an Easter gift. Umm - it was 6 weeks ago - he isn't sending one. So she threatens to tell our families about OC - we have always felt like this was no concern of theirs as long as we were NC. So my H is giving in and sending her something. The thing is, it isn't that he doesn't want to, it is more that it is very difficult for him to be off work in time to get OC anything. He could go to the local store and send crap. But then again, our post office is only open during the day when he works and a couple of hours Sat morning. I get all of the gifts for COM, and we decided that it is not my responsibility to buy gifts for OC.
She told H that she wasn't hiding the fact that OC had other extended family etc. That she wasn't going to lie to her about it. H asked OW about how she was going to explain that she was sleeping with a married man when she was conceived -was she going to lie then? Haha - she didn't answer but shut her up.
She was complaining how everyone knew that she was sleeping with a married man (aka she was/is a whore) so she tells everyone that knew or knows H that OC is his. They only knew because she was PROUD of it at the time and told everyone.
H stuck up for me several times - told her to put herself in my shoes etc. He told her that if she chose to tell our families that it would send me back to square one with the hurt that they have caused me.
They talked about what would happen if something happened to OW (he would get OC) and asked if she'd be taken care of etc. Of course she would - my issue isn't with OC - I just really don't want OW's drama in my life.
If/when he chooses to have C with OC (if she will have him then), it will be hard but we will get through it. It just has to be on our terms. We want to tell our girls with the help of a counselor, etc.
Repeat - it wasn't with OC but with OW 1st child. She convinced one guy to sign the BC. Another guy asked her if he was his, she said no so he had legal paperwork done that she signed saying that he couldn't be named the father at a later date. The first guy had DNA done with neg result and then had 2 or 3 other guys tested. All negative. She said that it had to be the guy that she signed the paperwork for and now she can't get any CS out of him nor C.
Sucks for the kid and for H since she bitches to him that she only gets $XXX for both kids (not his fault that he is the only one paying). But I think it is kind of funny in a way too.
It certainly sounds like OW in your case, was trying to make a career out of CS. How stupid she was, to sign something legal saying she could not 'name' some guy the father of a child. Sounds like that man was certainly prepared though. How embarrassing to have names of potential father & none of them pan-out via DNA...does she prostitute on the side or something? If so, she needs to keep track of her clients better incase birth control fails.
BMC: I'm so sorry about what's going on. If you had not stepped up & taken custody of twins, they'd have been in foster care already. I mean, fWH had no biological/legal tie to them...except he'd bonded w/them as young children thinking him "daddy." If you did not have LOVE invested in them, you could go NC w/the whole lot of them fWH/OC/OC's siblings. How do your older kids feel about OC now? Do they plan on maintaining a sibling relationship with him and/or the twins once they move out?
I just have this sinking feeling that fWH is not prepared to be single father @all (basically wasn't prepared to be responsible for anything). Do you think he might get the kids home & neglect them or go back to his addictions? The head-holding stress thing, cannot be a good sign of things to come. I just wonder if OW is lurking somewhere & once she hears the kids are w/fWH alone, she will try to make contact (since you said her relatives live nearby).
I know you are hurting & I just pray you find some peace through all of this.
I brought up one time that with her history OC could be anyone's kid. She said that she learned from her mistakes with him. So make sure you are only screwing 1 married/attached guy when you want to get pregnant by him.
She also stated that she doesn't see anything wrong with them having screwed around during our marriage difficulties since she didn't know what was best for his marriage. That she did it because she was HIS friend.
She says she has no time for regret or guilt and that doing so would imply that she didn't want her son.
Are these psychos for real!
I wonder how she would feel if this happened to one of her daughters or her sisters. It did happen to her with her exH so she is obviously oblivious to her own capacity to be so trashy and low- class.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 4:50 PM, June 10th (Friday)]
Anyway, OW in our sitch never had that problem, a FWH's family IS over the moon over OC (can't figure that one out).
Anyhow, I finally made FWH get his father' phone number and call him (first time since the A). He was ashamed, as FIL was one of the first people SIL called the very day OW came out as pregnant. They talked for quite a few hour, FIL was very happy to hear from him. Finally, FWH brought up FIL meeting OW and OC (which I had read about on SIL' stupid Facebook). FIL said he hadn't planned on it, but OW would be at youngest stepD's graduation, and huge graduation party that night, and OC would be in two, o it' not like he could avoid her. (So, that solved why stepD hasn't invited her father or I to her graduation, OW will be there. )
So, FWH told FL how OW has alienated stepDs from him, lied to his family, tried to ruin our lives, etc, and that if FIL meets OW and pretends they are BFFs, FWH will not be able to have a relationship with FIL. FIL said he understood, and it wasn't like that. We actually went and visited him while he was at the airport (layoever in our town before his 20 minute flight to their town) and we made arrangements to go visit him in his state this summer (which we have never done). He was great with DD (COM), brought her gifts, played with her, took a million picture of her and with her, etc. It was SO nice for COM to finally get to meet some of her own family (FWH's side, anyway, my family loves her).
On the flipside, the day OW met FIL was the 4 year antiversary of DDay. The significance of this did not escape me. She infiltrated the last member of my inlaws on the on the antiversary of the day I found out she had infiltrated my life. I told FWH this, and he apologized, and he looked sick. I told him HE brought this horrible fucking person into our life and now she was here to stay. I thought he was going to puke and cry simultaneously.
[This message edited by Want2help at 7:56 PM, June 12th (Sunday)]