[This message edited by LisaBrandNew at 3:01 PM, July 2nd (Saturday)]
We are now waiting to be notified about DNA testing. WH will NOT talk about it. Like, at all. Every time we start, he shuts down. Oddly enough, I am getting very close to a place of acceptance, or at least as close as I will ever get to it. The baby DOES look like H. I cab admit that to myself. He still claims to want NC whatsoever but I really feel that will change as soon as positive test results are in his hand. I also know that he looks at pictures of OC on Facebook. He says he is disgusted with himself, that he did this. That he is now this person. He says that he only wanted ME to have his babies. How I wish this would all just GO AWAY. I spend way too much time wishing for that. :(
OW has been contacting me on Facebook and it is ready difficult for me to "rise above" this and act with class & dignity. I do not know what to do other than TRY my best to "get along" with her because of OC. If that little girl REALLY is H's, I really feel she deserves to know her father and siblings, and have as close to a normal childhood as possible....
But what do I tell my children when they are old enough to ask?! What do you say? How the fuck are we going to afford to support ANOTHER child? There are months where things are really tight. Because of this, and his latest affair... I have to stop being a SAHM way earlier than I planned. :( I feel robbed, jipped, and scared of what the future holds.
It is hard for me to support him thru this because of everything he has put me through. I am three weeks out from DDay2 and still definitely reeling.
HOW DO I DO THIS?!?!
And... what next?
So, I have read through your posts, and what sticks out at me is that the OW claims the paternity test has been done, yet your H has not submitted a sample? hat is BS on her part.
This is how it went for us: Heard nothing from OW after the birth, got paperwork warning FWH that the state was going to garnish his wages for CS for OC, as OW had filed for welfare and CS.
FWH contested on the grounds of questionable paternity (this was in June, baby had been born that MARCH).'
OW was served with papers. She tried to contest paternity testing. Filled out paperwork listing reasons why it was unnecessary (it was a yes/no questionaire).
August, court rules in FWH's favor, schedules dna testing for September. Sends date and time to be at DHS office for cheek swab (OW and OC scheduled for same day, different time). Testing is scheduled for September.
We got the results at the end of DECEMBER. I have heard of it taking less time here on the board, but for us it took 12 weeks. OC was almost a year old before we found out paternity.
Anyhow, all you can do now is work on your marriage, yourself, and look into protecting yourself financially. Many people file for separation, in order for your children to be considered first in child support rulings. Whomever files first, gets the largest amounts, and all other amounts are figured out of the remainder.
Also, there is an OC "handbook" pasted somewhere in here, in this forum, pages back. You can read through it to get some good advice.
All of us here are in different stages of the OC situation. In my sitch, OC is 3, and we are NC. My FWH has never met OC. For us, it is because OC has been used as nothing but a pawn to destroy MY life. OW has been horrible enough, that we will do whatever necessary to keep her out of our lives, and OC is the casualty of that, sad as it is.
If your H wants NC, there is nothing we can do. To begin with, I wanted a relationship with OC and didn't understand how FWH couldn't, but he doesn't, and trying to force him would be a disaster.
ETA; all we can do is let them know we support them if they want contact down the road.
[This message edited by Want2help at 12:44 PM, July 4th (Monday)]
I always like to repost the OC handbook for our new members and reminders for those that need them. If there is something that you think needs to be added, that has worked for you, please feel free to share.
Thanks to Scooter 3377!
Below are some helpful starters for "newbies":
OC HANDBOOK (courtesy Me&My3)
2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a pseudo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.
3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibility of the child.
4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.
5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.
6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.
7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference. ADDED: If you do decide to go for joint legal custody, do it in the beginning, it is harder and more expensive to get later on.
8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.
9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.
10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.
11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.
12. Consider removing your spouse from your joint bank accounts, stocks, bonds and removing them as a beneficiary of your life insurance policies, as OW/OC could try to attach an interest in any holding that has your spouse SS # on it.
13. If you are NC with OC but may consider a relationship later down the road or want to be prepared for when the OC gets older and may want to meet your family, some members have put together letters, cards, pictures for OC and held them until an appropiate time. Especially in situations where the OW has made it very difficult to have C.
FAQs wrt OW/OC:
Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE
A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.
Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.
It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 separate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.
The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables
Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed
A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.
This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:
NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.
Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.
Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed
A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.
Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.
Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 6:33 PM, July 4th (Monday)]
BMC don't forget about adding joint legal to the handbook. Even if you are NC, adding joint legal gives YOUR family and fwh protections. But if you don't seek it in the beginning, its MUCH harder and more expensive to get it later. We are finding this out because fwh really should have had joint legal in dealing with the health insurance.
So the cOW hasn't cashed that check I sent...I think she is plotting something (again) and my fwh will yet again be back in court. He is no longer on my acct (I removed him months ago) but I had a LOT of checks left with his name on them. We r thinking she is going to go back to the courthouse and complain, or say HE didn't pay her since it came from my acct (doesn't matter I put on the check what the $ was for). I hate to be so paranoid, but that's what this bitch does...try to manipulate the law to get more $. But funny she got the check at 1pm on Friday and didn't cash it for the holiday weekend...something tells me something is up. I just want to send her a message to cash the fucking check and get out of our damn lives. Because that's what they do...insert themselves in your life like they are a 2nd wife or something. Bitch you are a VESSEL, a cum dumpster with (unfortunately) a functioing reproductive system.
Having a rough weekend. We had plans to go away and well I spent that $ on the whore. So I'm angry and bitter, esp since I know since she didn't cash it yet she has something up her sleeve.
At least my summer job is going very well, the kids really bring up my spirits (I teach an enrichment program for the month of July). They remind me that I am an awesome, amazing, intelligent person because I have been REALLY down on myself lately. Questioning what is wrong with me (I know I know, I'm not supposed to do that).
Gotta run, I have my IC appt today thank GOODNESS because I need it!
(((everyone))) we need those hugs. What we are dealing with is something I wouldn't wish on anyone....well, I would wish it on cOW, give her a taste of her own medicine...one thing I have learned (to all the newbies) is that unless you are in the situation, it's hard for others to understand. Especially if NC is what works for your family. Not that others advice isn't helpful or important, it can be very informative. Luckily this is a place that is warm, understanding, and we are all in the same/similar situations.
I hope everyone has a nice day.
Oh the karma bus can't hit her fast enough!!!
Saw new recent pictures of OC. I would be shocked if she wasn't H's. Definitely see similarities between OC and my babes. Oddly enough, it doesn't hurt quite as horribly as I figured it would. Wait til the results tho. I'm sure ill be a mess. :'(
As for that whole situation, apparently she meant that the proper paperwork had been turned in and H will be notified by the 20th as to what to do. I know the only thing H ever did was provide his full name and phone number, as well as his work address.
Ugh. I hope he is served those papers right in front of ho-worker.
[This message edited by WitheringRose at 10:55 PM, July 5th (Tuesday)]
Do you ever stop waking up thinking, "I can't believe this happened to me?"
Every day. But, I more wake up thinking "maybe it was all a horrible nightmare."
So sorry you are here. DNA can surprise you, so just keep hoping until results come in. If the DNA+, the realization of paternity will hit you hard. Be prepared for bouts of anger/depression/crying, etc.
Maybe the bank holiday held up the check from clearing. Maybe OW didn't cash it yet, b/c she is partying on fWH's other $$$ for the 4th. Who knows? If it's not cashed soon, maybe fWH's lawyer could contact her lawyer about cashing the check. Anytime I wrote OW a direct check, I made a copy. I always put "Child Support for OC" & the month it covered on the comment line. I usually sent Postal Money Orders, because they are safe, until my bank allowed us to use the free billpay & I just set her up as a Vendor and it was always on-time & my bank keeps records of exactly when their checks are cashed. Only once did we have problems, when she claims the post office sent it back (she had a post office mailbox & bank claimed the PO sent back as non-resident). I actually think OW forgot to pay her PostOffice box fee.
I cannot believe OW is so young & she'll be meating your children! And that she was one of your students!
I too am often angry that the $$$ spent on CS or other things for OC, was our nestegg $$$ for a real house. We will eternally live in a double-wide mobile home, because of fWH's lapse in judgement & intentional OC. fWH paid OW almost $40,000 (plus OC's healthcare costs & anything we spent on her @our home EVERY weekend was extra)...that certainly could've been a nice downpayment on a dreamhouse.
Have a nice afternoon! Going to spend time with the COM and enjoy the nice hot day!
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 1:32 PM, July 6th (Wednesday)]
Evidently, OW was sent paperwork she was supposed to sign and return acknowledging that she received the CS ruling, and she of course did not, so now it has to go to an over the phone hearing. It pisses me off, because when it is the other way around, and FWH gets paperwork to RAISE the CS he has to sign and return it if he objects- if he does not, it gets entered by default.
So, he has to have an over the phone hearing with the whore later this month. I am so pissed. Really, she couldn't just sign it?
I am hoping that she just ignored it because her new AP/husband is planning on adopting OC (like was announced on their "wedding website") but we will see...
Oh, and we have not heard from stepD since Ow's wedding (she was in it as a bride's maid). She was texting her dad everyday, several times a day, now NOTHING. And it is obvious from the pictures on Facebook that she was with OW not only for the wedding, but stayed the whole freaking "honeymoon" too (as did OW's BF and OW's BF's H). Pictures of my stepD taking care of OW's newest OC by AP/(turned husband). So cute. What a happy little family.
StepD is supposed to come and spend a week here at the end of the month, so we'll see now that her and OW seem to be BFFs again.
I'm going to devote myself to enjoying my family now. Not going to let this...thing...ruin my summer vacation.
Still no word from my stepD.
According to Facebook, Ow had a "group honeymoon" with her friends and my stepD. They got SUPER TRASHED while my stepD watched all the kids (4 total, all under 4 years old). She spent 4 or 5 days total there for OW's wedding. (There is even a pic of her holding up OW's dress while she pisses is a public toilet before the wedding, and the OW is barefoot in a public restroom. Second time in my life I have seen a picture like this, the first was when I found out she existed, I found one of her mooning the camera in a public restroom in my H's golf bag- TALK ABOUT TRIGGERS!!!)
So, many things could be happening right now. StepD could be not calling/texting because she is afraid FWH will ask what she did on the 4th, the 4 days she just spent with OW could have "rebonded" them, and she could have decided she would rather have OW and OC than FWH and COM in her life, so many things.
FWH is quite hurt (although he is playing it off like it doesn't matter). He told stepD if she wanted to be in our lives, she wasn't going to pull this "I want to tak to you/I don't want to talk to you" shit over OW and OC, because it would hurt our own DD (who is 2 and already asking for her sister constantly because stepD told her she would be coming back soon).
Anyhow, she was supposed to be arranging to come up here for a week, and we have not heard from her for 2 weeks (she was calling and texting everyday, counting down the days until she was coming back).
I guess we will see. Just one more thing Ow robbed from me (and my DD). Fucking bitch. I truly, truly hate her.
Hope everyone is doing fine.