We found friend w/benefits that 'might' have had fWH's child. Her father passed our phone# on to her & we were out when she called (she talked to DS14), so fWH called back from callerID #.
A little background: she was the go-to girl to meet his needs when he & xGF would have little breakups when xGF was preggers. She wrote in his yearbook how much she loved him & if it didn't work out w/ xGF, she was there. She gave him a card which said pretty much the same thing. She spent whole weeks @a time living in his mobile home. fWH was only the 2nd man she'd been intimate with in her entire life.
Here's what she said. She didn't remember him. She doesn't remember calling FIL and telling him 'xGF's baby isn't the only baby he has to worry about.' Said she did a lot of stupid things as a teen & might have called FIL, but doesn't remember. Her daughter definately is her xHs, behaves exactly like him. fWH started mentioning things about past & then she recalled who he was. Okay, fWH completely kicked her xHs butt, sent him home bloody & bruised (the H was angry w/him for finding her @work & asking if she was preggers by fWH). Even the H had told fWH when he asked if the baby was his "that's what I've heard" and had told fWH he would raise it as his own. I call bull$hit. Now we are even more curious. I think I'm going to go to public library & look in the old newspapers/microfiche to see if the local hospital had a birth announcement. She claimed COM child was born in December. If it was Dec '88, it's likely fWH's child. If it was born in Dec '89 (which is 2 months after we started dating), it's definately not his as he had not been intimate w/her after xGFs baby (not his) was born in Aug '88.
So, just more questions. Wish there were an easier way to find newspaper records, but our local papers only have back to about after 1996 archives searchable online.
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 8:27 AM, December 22nd (Wednesday)]
"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"
fWH went out & bought me my Christmas roses (my only request) and NewMoon/Eclipse movies. My only Christmas gift I want from the kids is to clean their rooms.
Kids opening gifts w/ILs tomorrow night, opening gifts w/kids either Eve or Christmas, then opening again on Jan1st with my mom/brother/his GF.
My Christmas wish for you all, is to have everything calm & quiet on the OW (or OM) front....and enjoy time with friends/family/pets or just some me time.
Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up...
[This message edited by repeatBS326 at 12:16 PM, December 23rd (Thursday)]
Island, we will be waiting to hear from you too...
Fwh and I talked about our future, how we want to move back to the islands, how I want to start up my own business, etc. Talked about our kids growing up. Talked about visiting the islands next summer (my summer job pay goes towards our family vacation) and looking at townhouses and jobs, movin away from all this mess here. He then talked about us replacing our wedding rings (he lost his when we moved, I got too "fat" for mine) and renewing our vows. He's saying and doing all the right things and I know he's genuine, but I'm having a hard time allowing myself to put the guard down and just bask in this. i ve said it before but I know this is his rock bottom, so I have confidence it won't happen again, but there's that teeny part of me that is so afraid to let myself fully forgive and fall back in love with him again. I mean, its like I feel bad/angry at myself for even considering loving him again!
I hope everyone has a beautiful Holiday, be SAFE, and try to find a little bit of happiness for yourself through this hard time. I know I will be so happy to see my brother on Sunday I will most likely cry because I missed him so much! We have identical personalities and he is just a breath of fresh air!
Aloha and Mele Kalikimaka!
As the day for the hearing to demand OW to do the paternity test draws near, I'm getting a little antsy. What if it is his? what if it isn't? I don't want to face OW, then if it is his, how much is she going to get out of us if we can't get either sole or joint custody? So many ifs!
Island, I hope you get an answer soon, a good one! To everyone else, I hope that you are all okay and making it through these tough times :(
Divorced..drama free...movin on!
We had a wonderful holiday getting away and being with family. Although the weather wasn't cooperative! But to not think about OW/OC was nice. My brother and his partner know, and it was almost a relief to be able for me to vent to my family. Ultimately I'm sure it will come out, but for now its a secret. My mom is going thru her own hurt...my stepfather of 20 plus years left her for her best friend and my mom has lost her home, her self esteem, and has been having toxic relationships over the last few months. This info now would just devastate her because she would just worry about me.
Fwh and I were able to have some heart to heart talking on the ride up though (actually I'm still in the car with him now, almost home). I'm glad we are talking, that we are Ring, that really all is going great with us...but at THIS cost. THAT is killing me, and I can't seem to get over it. WHY did it take this to happen?!
((((To all of us BS with OC situations)))). Well, to all of us at SI, esp you ladies/gents. You all have been a rock and savior, a wealth of knowledge, and an awesome shoulder to cry on during these sucky times. I hope and pray for a prosperous, safe, and healing New Year 2011. I will probably be here on SI because my fwh is working overnite that nite and can't get out of it :(
I hope that 2011 is a better year for everyone than this year. You guys are so important to me, I don't post as much as before, but believe me I check on my SI OC peeps to see how everyone is, I also know that you guys will be there for me when things blow up and OW/OC drama rears its ugly head. Thank you all for being here, it sucks that we all ended up here, but I am glad there are other people who understand our situation, who live it every day. Lots of love!
[This message edited by altered at 4:54 PM, December 30th (Thursday)]
I know I can't let this consume me but for some reason today it is.
We still haven't heard anything, and for now I'm just going to do my best to not worry/think about it. I'm sure the Holidays put a monkey wrench into everything, so I'm going to just CHILLAX for now. Fwh owed the lawyer some $, so we paid him and hopefully we will hear from him next week.
However, 1 last "hurrah"! I found out last week that a family member is a PI, and hopefully we can get some answers about HER, since we know pretty much nothing about her. Is she divorced? Has previous kids? Been in trouble with the law? Waiting to talk with fwh in the morning to figure out exactly what we want to know. It gives me a teeny bit of control over this situation that I have zero control over, so hoping that helps to curb some of my anxiety. Hoping it doesn't just open up the door for more questions, though. But at least I can find out what exactly we are dealing with.
I hope everyone had a SAFE holiday season, and remember 2011 is a New Year with New opportunities!
One sad note, OW threw a big family Christmas party on Christmas Eve (the night OC goes to our home). I almost feel like she purposely excluded OC. Like she, BH#2, & COM are their own little family w/out OC. I mean, I feel that way when OC isn't here, but we don't try to throw big family shin-digs w/out her. OC even helped cook the food for the party. OW didn't even inquire if our schedule would permit OC to attend for even an hour. I mean, all OC's relatives were there (auntie, cousins, grandparents) & OW's MIL & BH#2's xSS & new child+GF. OC seemed okay about it (since COM & OC went up the hilll to ILs to open gifts w/out me & fWH).
Still have to see OW today @6PM for dropoff (no school today, teacher in-service). OW even sent us a box full of treats (homemade cookies & candies she & OC made). Which I didn't eat for fear she might've poisoned or spit in them!
OW is becoming the little wifey that fWH always dreamt of....is it for real, or she trying to win fWH over, or is she finally given up on fWH? Who knows? I doubt after holding a torch for him for 10+ years, she'll ever give up on him.
Okay, fWH watches LMN (lifetime movie network) a lot. This weekend, he caught part of a movie & he said "that seems familiar." The movie was about a BW, who found out about OW when WH/OW & OC were in vehicle accident together. BW had to nurse WH back to health & also take over care of OC (as OW died in the wreck). GOD, what an awful way to find out about OW & OC! I didn't see any of it, but it really did remind me of so many here. One weird part was that the WH in the movie was in wheelchair after accident not sure if permanently or temporarily(which fWH has been in wheelchair 6 years on 1/1/11). I'd probably have freaked out, if I'd have watched it.
Had some triggers over holiday, as expected. Anxious about OC's b-day in 2 weeks. OC told fWH she wants a skating b-day party....which, having to actually celebrate w/OC isn't pleasant for me. It was so much easier last year when MIL had the little dinner w/out me.
Some highlights of the holidays:
Going rollerskating w/COM, OC, & fWH (who sat in the eating area & wrangled our kids when they were pooped out or fallen too much).
Eating dinner out @Shoney's w/our 5-person family.
Opening gifts w/my mom & all the kids, brother, & GF on New Year's Day after stuffing ourselves out @family dinner (no cleanup!).
My mom took COM & OC New Year's Eve, so fWH and I did some last-minute Christmas shopping for my family and had a quiet evening watching movies/TV together.
To the newbies still dealing with discovery of A, birth of OC, legal issues, R. There's no timeline when you FORGIVE. With any A, it's your choice to forgive or not & certainly OC issues extend the grief out far past D-day, NC, & R (or D).
In my situation, the pain got less over time, but A#3 easily salted the old wounds & revelations about all 3 As increased the mental impact it had on me. Not to mention the harassment from OW & relatives (which I hadn't seen after D-day#1 or D-day#2).
For me, since fWH feels no remorse for A#1/A#2/OC, I cannot forgive him for those. He still feels justified for those As & no regret for OC's conception/birth. He seems completely remorseful for A#3, which I think (without acknowledging it to him) is pretty much forgiven. His whole attitude about our M changed after he realized he was in the process of losing me. I guess if I'd have been a tough-cookie after A#1 or A#2 and demanded NC w/OW and required legal custody/visistion, maybe things could have escalated to it being fWH's rock-bottom then. I just pray daily that fWH is truly NC w/OW, has learned his lesson (finally), and cherishes his time with COM & me more. He's hard to read. He's been depressed lately about his disability (said it was easier to accept the 1st year & years he was working but much harder now that he's SAHD). Said he's worried what financial impact he places on family being on SSD instead of working 70+ hours/week like pre-accident (brings in ~$2000/month less income now). Even wondered if he needed to try to go back2work part time. I would guess, with all the physical issues he continues to have, it would not benefit us much with him working part-time & likely losing the SS checks for COM & OC. Some days, his pain is so bad, he cannot even get out of bed...how would he go to work in such shape? I guess he sees now, how adding the financial cost of OC to the mix, becomes so bad when BW or fWH might be unemployed for whatever reason. I worry too, that when he feels like this, he might seek external gratification/ego-stroking. I don't think our M could survive another A w/OW or another OW. But, for fWH, 1/1 is the anniversary of his accident, so that always brings some depression for him. I hope he snaps out of it soon. I think being isolated from other people when you're SAHM or SAHD and being physically challenged, it makes it all the worse for him.
Island, I really hope you get an answer soon about the CS.
We are just waiting for the end of the week so we can go to court and make OW take the paternity test. I've noticed we both seem to be snipping at each other a bit more these last few days, its hard on him because he has to face his past in a big way, the mistake/choice he made plus the fact that money will be going out the door and i'm facing the fact that i have to look at the woman that he was so willing to give up everything for (even though he thought at the time he would get away with it and i would never know.. yeah right)
If OW and OC takes the test on Friday, we should have the results by Tuesday or Wednesday (its a private test so they are quicker than going through the state, thank god) Even though i have seen pics of the OC at 11 days old (none since then) i dont think he looks like my H but then I just dont want to see it :(
I'm just rambling on, this stuff is driving me crazy but then again I'm feeling a sense of calm come over me, finally after almost nine months of knowing about that dumb b**th OW, I can face her and hope she realizes that she made my life miserable for a long time and now if the OC is H's, I will be in her life to make it miserable for many years to come.
Mean I know, but that is the way i am feeling today.
(((Eyes))) good luck. I remember when my fwh went for the paternity test, it was like a small calm knowing we would have an answer. Remember if it is your H's, its ok to feel however you feel. I went from angry to sad to numb, all in a span of a few hours. And this was when I was dealing with my own 1 week old.
We had our MC today, and again it was hard. But a "good" kinda hard. Found out fwh's reasoning behind the As. Boredom, lonliness, selfishness, depression, self-hatred, slef-loathing, narcissim....it was pretty overwhelming. Trying to get to the bottom of why our communication was so bad (its much better now).
Hoping to hear some news about the CS soon. Hoping the judge didn't forget...augh. I'm hoping the lawyer got his payment today so we can hopefully hear something tomorrow. Going to contact the family member PI tomorrow and get that rolling too. I go back to work in 2 weeks so really hoping we hear something by then. Good thing is that work will keep my mind busy. Plus my son's bday is coming up soon, need to finish planning his bday party. So good to keep my mind busy.
fWH is throwing OC a skating party the weekend after her b-day (torture for me anyway to be celebrating something I am not happy ever happened). Last night he said:
I think I'll tell OC that her little sister can come to the party. OW could bring her & sit on the other side of the skating rink.
I'm just hoping fWH isn't thinking things can go back to them being "friends" now that everything has blown over about A#3. fWH cannot be OW's "friend" and my H both. He's got to remain NC, or I will D him (even though it would greatly pain me to do so).
Oh, OW told OC that fWH doesn't have to try to split OC's b-day btwn them (afterschool w/one parent then night w/other)....she said she doesn't have anything planned until the following weekend. So, OW will not see OC the whole week of OC's b-day. fWH & I just don't understand why she wouldn't want to see her on b-day, when we offered to do the pickup/dropoffs.
Why should I suffer through 2.5 hours of OC's b-day party, with OW there....why does OC always come before me!!!! She should not even have been conceived, let alone us throwing a party for her 10-yr b-day! I know, I'm a B*TCH for thinking this way, but fWH did the worst possible thing he could have ever done to me, by choosing to conceive OC. Beating me to death & digging a hole out back, would be better than trying during 2 As to conceive OC w/OW! How could someone HATE me so much, to choose to put me through all of this?
I know OC's b-day would get me all depressed, but I've been holding back the tears for days now...just trying to get by. I just broke down & cried all through my shower & getting ready this morning for work. fWH asked me "are u okay?" I told him no.
Why does making everything OK for OC, come before making things right for me & COM?
It is bad enough that you have to deal with the OW/OC situation everyday of your life either directly or indirectly but he has the nerve to expect you to be a part of OC party with OW involved! WTF!!!
Before we got custody of the OC, they had a birthday party at OW house and my H wanted to go. I told him I am not going to her house and play big happy family. So we sent a present and when we had visitation the next weekend, they had a party with our family and friends.
I think it is very unfair for him to put this kind of pressure on you. ((Hugs))
Forgot to mention. OC was talking to me the other day & I questioned why they went so late (after 6PM) to OW's mom's house, on a school night. I told her, how is your little sister going to have time to bathe tonight (since OC bathes mornings now @OW's house - evenings at our home). She said her little sister no longer bathes @night. That OC & sis shower together & she washes sis's hair & sis bathes herself. Okay, yet another typical example of OW slacking as mother again & making OC be the MOM. If OC's little sis cannot bathe herself yet, WHY won't OW get up off her lazy butt @night and do it. Instead, the responsibility for getting their COM ready for school falls onto OC!!! If the child could bathe herself, it'd be different....but, in this case she apparently cannot. Is OW too busy w/her SAHM chores to even provide basic grooming help for their youngest child? How on earth will OC manage caring for little sis & a newborn, once OW/BH#2 conceive again this summer?
I'm just in a crummy mood today. I suppose fWH & I aren't speaking today, as he made DS14 (homeschooled) answer the phone when I called to say I had arrived @work AND he hasn't texted me back from a text I sent 2 hours ago. I always feel badly when we fight (especially over OC or OW). I worry that fWH is suicidal or might pass away (natural causes) when I'm away from him and things will be left the way they are at this moment.
I wonder how I'm going to feel when OC turns 1, even though we are NC. I know its going to mess me up, and fwh probably won't even think twice about it. OW hasn't contacted us and it better stay that way.
I hired a PI to do some background checking into OW. Fwh and I have had a hard week. MC this week was pure torture, finding out the reasoning of the As. It put me in a bad mood for the week. That plus I'm going back to work in 2 weeks, my daughter still won't take a bottle from fwh (but will from me and the babysitter, go figure), and I'm just really edgy wondering why the f*ck the CS ruling is taking so long! There is no reason this has gone almost a month. Fwh doesn't want to call the lawyer and seem like a pest. Wtf we are paying the lawyer thousands of dollars, we can be a little more pesty.
I hate to think that I am ruining R, but I feel like I am because I'm so crabby and angry.