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User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only)
disrespected666
♀ Member
Member # 30411
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW sent me a real apology the other day. Limited in scope to the effects of having a child with WS but not having a sexual relationship with him but certainly an improvement to her comments in the past. I wonder what her angle is? Can someone like this truly be sorry? I took the opportunity to point out some of the insensitive things she has said and some of her warped logic. Then I told her time would tell if she was sincere. Paternity results still haven't been issued but will be soon.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: hell
JustLadii
♀ New Member
Member # 33077
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay Here's my story: Repost from General

DDay happened 3 years ago May 6, 2008 to be exact (we were together 8 years) at that time my fiance was sleeping with the neighbors 23 year old daughter an got her pregnant. I found out the day after the child was born that the A had been going on for 2 years on and off. In honesty I wanted to KILL him and it took everything in me not to.

I left him immediately it was hard because I did have to see him almost every day until I moved out of the home we shared which was July 10, 2008.

Now my story gets weird...

I initiated NC with him for 8 months strait, all bills that we shared were coordinated through emails and if he spoke of anything unrelated to that I did not respond.

Honestly the whole 8 months was hell on earth to me... I lost over 50 pounds, I couldn't eat, sleep or hold anything down, I tried to socialize with my friends or family because at any given moment I would break down and have to leave and being around babies was even more depressing considering I don't and can't have any of my own and that was what really broke my heart about the whole situation.

Now while we were separated he played a small part with her and helped her out with the baby. I was strong in my NC so I dared to come between that and was almost ALMOST at a point of moving on UNTIL he came crawling back.

I tried so hard to be strong but I love him so much and despite the conniving, deceiving, manipulating and just downright disgusting things that he had done a part of me still wanted him SO we worked on us.

He cut off all ties with the OW I even demanded that he have NC with the child until a DNA test proved him to be the father (which it is)...

It was HARD reconciling there was NO TRUST the NONE... I made him change his cell phone number and give me password to everything even his bank accounts... I had learned that during our rebuilding stage that he had changed me from this loving, caring and naive woman I now see people as being capable of anything.

The first 2 years were filled with nothing but PURE honesty... I made him tell me everything and it hurt, it was hard hearing these things but I needed to. We cried (I cried most) but we found out more about each other in those 2 years than we did in the previous 8 years. I was ready (so I thought) and I agreed that if we were going to be together I would have to accept it all so I told him the only way was through the courts. NO contact with her at... The OW was pissed she was mad that he had disappeared for this long to only return back into her life requesting a DNA and Joint Custody. For some reason she felt entitled to an explanation but that will never happen, in the end he got Joint custody and don't have to pay child support. After a lengthy 3 month of court dates and more court dates she just gave in and agreed to his request. And the hard part came, I had to meet his 2 year old love child for the first time, I was nervous and scared and bit jealous and somewhat anxious (weird but true). I ended up falling in love with him; he was this little precious child that was in the middle of they immature and disgustiong bullshit.

I agreed that once we got through this and he could prove to me that he could change I would marry him and I didÖ

Weíve been married now for 8 months and some days I regret it, I love him and I always pictured us spending forever together BUT I have realized that I have not completely gotten over the things that he has done. I never talk to him about it and he has no idea that I feel this way, I sometimes feel like I should have just let him go. I donít even suspect that he is cheating itís just something that has been on my mind for about 2 months now, I even printed out the divorce packet and keep it in my desk at work (incomplete of course). I donít know why all of a sudden Iím having doubts about him and I know it would hurt him so much if I told him how I feel but this is where I am at this point!


Me(31)BS
Him(37)WS
M 8mo - Together 11 Years
DDay 05/08
OC born day before DDay
Ow not a factor but still disgusts me
R But I'm thinking about D

Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: California
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, JustLadii! I'm glad that you were able to find us. I've already given you some advice, but now that I've read your WHOLE story I can see we have similar backgrounds.

My FWh was my fiance when he had his A. We also had been together for years (6, to be exact) when the A happened. It was with a 20 yr old who was living at a co-worker's.

We were S for 2 months (living apart). We did decide to R, but we went through a yr of marriage counseling and IC first. Then we got married, and had a baby of our own. We are 4 years into R, are NC with OC (who OW allegedly wants adopted by her new H), and our relationship is doing well.

However, we still have our days where the A is totally thrown in my face. Most of FWH's family do not agree with FWh's decision to be NC with OC. Most of his family has contact with OC and have become VERY friendly with OW (even going to her wedding). FWH's are NC with him, me and our own DD. This KILLS me. My DD has no family because of the A (*and to some extent the many, many lies OW has fed my inlaws about me and us). From time to time, I think of D, just out of anger. I think it is natural after all we've been through as BSs with OCs to never ENTIRELY take divorce off the table. It's like my hidden card. I keep it in my pocket at all times, and remind myself that I can play it if I want to, that I'm not trapped in this M.

I hope this helps?


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
JustLadii
♀ New Member
Member # 33077
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2help,

Thanks, all the advise helps... I wish that would have found this site 3 years ago but better late than never!

This situation has changed me forever and sometimes I miss the relationship we had before the devastation although I don't miss the naÔve me.

Update (Now) we have Joint legal and physical custody of OC (shared), all arrangements for exchanging OC are through the Day Care or my MIL. OW is a part-time student working and receiving some assistance from the county. OW has been in and out of several relationships since H cut her off and there has been a few incidents but not with her she wouldn't dare try me I still carry a can of whoop ass with her name on it, but the incidents were with her family. OC is with us 60% and her 40%, I don't understand how the courts determined that to be joint, OC is very close to both of us and H is a wonderful father.

Although it as been 2 years and some I still despise OW I never took the A out on her I delt directly with H but she played her role in the damage and caused more problems then needed. Some of the things that she did has an affect on what's going on today, OW feels that my decision for her to not have our house number is unfair BUT my reason is justified had she not played on our phone for hours and hours on end when the A was going on I might feel different. Those are some of the things that still affect me also... I know I'm rambling I'm just trying to clear my head


Me(31)BS
Him(37)WS
M 8mo - Together 11 Years
DDay 05/08
OC born day before DDay
Ow not a factor but still disgusts me
R But I'm thinking about D

Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: California
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustLadii, I understand. OW in my situation is not allowed to have our address, phone number, place of employment, NOTHING. FWH pays CS, and normally that information would be given to her, but it is sealed because we have proved it is a threat to our safety for that info to be given to her (you can read my profile, she acted like quite the nut for the first few years).

Although I don't know he whole story, it sounds like you guys have a good situation with the custody arrangement. There are people here who have visitation and CONSTANT drama from the OW, those who have 100% custody, those who have NC and are still harassed by the nutty OW, those that had physical custody until the OW up and took off with the infant OC (that one was heartbreaking). Many different situations here.

For us, NC was the only option because of OW alone. Sadly, it had nothing to do with OC and our ability to care for her, and when OC turns 18 and shows up on our doorstep, she will know that.

I hope this finds everyone well.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
WasAlmostThere
♀ New Member
Member # 32298
Helpless  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, this is certainly the hardest day I've had since finding out. She's officially in labor. 4cm dialated as of five hrs ago.

My SO was headed to work and told her to call him when she's at the hospital and her water has broke. I haven't heard from him since. I guess the next time I do he'll be a dad.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2011
WasAlmostThere
♀ New Member
Member # 32298
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 16th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ughk! she is such a dramatic liar. her water didn't break she wasn't having contractions. and she's not in labor simply starting to dialate. she went to the hospital and they sent her home.

Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2011
JustLadii
♀ New Member
Member # 33077
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 16th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WasAlmostThere,

They are all liars... Be strong and don't let the anxiety of the situation tear you down!


Me(31)BS
Him(37)WS
M 8mo - Together 11 Years
DDay 05/08
OC born day before DDay
Ow not a factor but still disgusts me
R But I'm thinking about D

Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: California
WasAlmostThere
♀ New Member
Member # 32298
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks JustLadii. I'm trying to keep my nerves down it hasn't been easy.

This is it though, she called this morning to say she was headed to the hospital, by the time we woke up she'd been admitted and was at 8cm so I guess by the end of the day my future step-daughter (if we make it there) will be here.

My SO was nervous said he felt like I told him just dont do it on the baby ... just to ligten the mood and get him to relax. This is his first child (I already have one from a previous disaster)I think he should try to find something good from it. He's been so stuck in remorse guilt and worry it's just like there's gotta come a time where you chose acceptance and move forward. I know that should make me happy that he feels so badly but I guess I feel like we'll never move forward if he doesn't.

Anywhoo that's all here nor there right now. I'm so afraid of if/how our relationship will change from this very day forward. I'm more afraid of the day after today than I am of today. Today is just painful, knowing he's there sharing this once in a lifetime (being his first) experience with some floozy who's been trying to induce labor since well before she was term and just yesterday was on fb talking about her future 3rd child (how about get the first one out befor u put ur mind on the next man?) and has been heavy flirting with her babydaddy #1 who's married! They totally ruined what should be an amazing experience born of love by turning into a frustrating experience everyone is just enduring and trying to 'get through it'. SMH


I just want it to be tomorrow.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2011
JustLadii
♀ New Member
Member # 33077
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in my 3rd year of being a step-mother to OC and I will tell you in the beginning it was hard for me to deal with. My H has been very good at keeping things calm by dealing with OW from a distance (meaning no constant contact needed everything is court ordered). I do know that if your SO lets her she will try to ruin your relationship and now that the child is born reality is about to start kicking in... Not to pry but how is he even sure that the child is even his?


Me(31)BS
Him(37)WS
M 8mo - Together 11 Years
DDay 05/08
OC born day before DDay
Ow not a factor but still disgusts me
R But I'm thinking about D

Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: California
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wasalmostthere))) Boundaries are going to be incredibly important if R is in your future and this OC is his. Please don't let him sign ANYTHING (example the birth certificate or affividavit of paternity) until an OFFICIAL paternity/DNA test is completed. Once he signs, he can't really "unsign".

I'm so sorry hun.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
WasAlmostThere
♀ New Member
Member # 32298
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ladies. Welp she's here now! And she's a cutie, born this morning. I got a phone call and picture from him about 20min after the fact...he didn't beat her to putting the baby's pic on fb though (which ticked him off to no end).

They did a DNA swab test after they got her cleaned up so paperwork won't be signed until after the results are back. (been through his process with my little brother just a year ago...6 months after birth and him signing all the paperwork because he was 'sooo sure' my little niece turned out to NOT be my little niece smh @ some females and that was his actual girlfriend not some jump off huzzy like this chick...so we kind of already knew the steps to take from the research we did for my brother) I guess that caused a bit of tension in the room with her family being there and all but whatever, far as I'm concern you get what you play for. You allowed yourself to be treated like a jump off this is part of the profile. Once the results are back they'll be going to mediation (if she's his) first to try to hammer out a parenting plan and I guess all things will flow from there to wherever they're going to go.

She and I spoke a couple of months back and she gave me the ole 'I didn't know about you, I thought you two had broken up (now aint that a contradiction)' song and dance and 'i'll respect you as his partner asking respect as his daugther's mother in return' and 'I donít support a cheating man if I had known I wouldn't have gone there, and you donít have to worry about me in your relationship ever again and I wish you two the power to heal and repair i wont put a strain on that ever' ETC ETC ETC

Of course I have my guard up to that all being BS or even if it wasn't it all changing once the single parent game gets too hard for her. And it will get hard because she already has a young child she's raising alone because his dad was married and living on the other side of the world before that kid hit 18months. (3yrs old now) And she has nooooooooooothing going on for herself no education, job, car, solid place to live. She stays with family friends as her mom kicked her out before she got knocked up for some unknown reason. *we're all pretty young btw 26, 28 and 29 but still old enough for her to be doing waaay better for herself and her kids*

I've really come to the point though where I feel like she was looking way more for another child than my SO and maybe hoping to get a daddy figure/savior for herself in the process. It's the environment she comes from, she's one of 6 that her mom had by more than 3BD's so not getting the man to go with the kid is really no big deal to her. She'll hold out for the 'great guy' that steps up to take care of her all her kids like her stepdad did and since my SO isn't even acting like he'll play that role, she's not interested. She prides herself on being a mom the wife part is optional. Even though she continues to hold that "we're a good Christian family and I'm a respectable young lady despite what you may think" card up to everyone. Yeaaaaaaaaaaah opening your legs to a guy that never takes you out, hold a real conversation with you, never lets you spend the night, meet his family, screwed you a few days before your bday and didn't buy you a gift or come to your party, ignores you on the holidays, has no relationship with your first child and you're too afraid to say 'hey what is this we're doing' because you know in your heart you're a jump off yet you keep screwing anyway....yeah that sounds like you respect yourself. Anyway further proof it's all about just making babies for her she was just stating yesterday how 3 kids are her limit/goal so her husband better only want one.

My SO has made it very clear that there's no chance for the two of them to the point of making her cry for telling her how she's not worthy of being a mom to his kids (yeah ok buy a plan b pill after the condom broke then), not what he wanted for his daughter, wasn't worth more than a screw so donít even think about being good enough to be a wife, how she's not a real mom she's a babysitter because everything done for her kids is provided by the people that provide for her. Etc etc. To that again she throws up the 'we're a good Christian family that takes care of each other without judgment' card. Then tried to cover up his digust by telling people 'oh he's just upset he'll calm down' YEAH OK

Anyway I'm rambling. The real point of pain for me is just letting go of this dream I had of giving him his first child, sharing that experience together. That's a WHOPPER to me right now. The cheating, the co-parenting...all that's taking a back seat to trying to let this dream I had die since it just went up in flames today. And no matter how many more dreams we can accomplish unshared together if we R...marriage, first home, family dinners, maybe his first son, etc etc.... today losing this one just hurts like hell.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2011
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Everyone))))

I'm sorry that all the new "faces" have to be here, but glad we found each other. OC stuff is hard. It is something that has to be taken day by day, hour by hour. Please take care of yourselves.

WasAlmostThere's post reminds me of when OC was born. It's still painful to remember, but I also think about how far we've come and I am proud of H and me.

I am applying for a new job. It is a little closer to my home. I is also about $1000 more a month (before taxes). That would help SO much. I told H that maybe we'll be able to pay off debt sooner and save for a new house. Moving farther from BIL and OW would be heaven! H may even be able to quit his 2nd job sooner. Just the thought of more money for our household that will NOT be subject to CS. I am trying to not get my hopes up too much.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
JustLadii
♀ New Member
Member # 33077
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AlmostThere,
Hang in there I understand completely what you are going through it's hard.

Alter,
Thanks for the welcome...

OC called me Mommy last night ... As much as I would love to rub that moment in OW face I felt extremely uncomfortable, H said that he thought it was cute (of course he would). I didn't really know how to respond my first reaction was "Huh"? LOL... I guess I can settle for Mommy {my name}...

On another note H is having trouble getting OW to understand the difference between Medi-cal and "Private insurance", for some reason OW thinks co-pay is something we have control over, she tells H "Can you guys please tell the Dr to stop making me pay $ every time I take MY BABY to the doctor" (HUH?)... is she serous? H spent well over 30 minutes explaining to her that a co-pay is part of the insurance and it's not like Medi-cal, she thinks we make the DR charge her "blank stare"... In my mind I was thinking this has got to be to dumbest skunt on earth or she is just so use to using the County benefits that she has no clue that there is a life outside of that... WTF... SMH!

[This message edited by JustLadii at 10:35 AM, August 19th (Friday)]


Me(31)BS
Him(37)WS
M 8mo - Together 11 Years
DDay 05/08
OC born day before DDay
Ow not a factor but still disgusts me
R But I'm thinking about D

Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: California
WasAlmostThere
♀ New Member
Member # 32298
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like complete and utter shyt today ladies. Like really low, probably the lowest I've felt in the four months since finding out. There's pictures of this adorable little girl all over fb with my SO's last name attached. It's like I donít even exist in his life. He called this morning to recap the day; his mom, cousin, a good friend and two coworkers went to the hospital to see the baby...and subsequently meet her....in less than 24hrs she's been introduced to more people in my boyfriends life than I have in almost three years. I've never felt lower, more insignificant, more unworthy in my life. He says he can tell his mom doesnít like her and it took her a moment to warm up to the baby. I think he just said that to make me feel better, he knows how much I love his mom and sister. Today I'm feeling the very light weight of being JUST the girlfriend, like a stranger in my own relationship. Feels like he's packed up everything important to me, everything we were working towards, could have been and wanted and gave it all to her.

No telling when I'll actually get meet the baby. I'm just a nobody


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2011
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((was)) I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Unfortunately he has fully embraced this situation and the DNA test has not even come back yet.

Quite frankly and I don't say this lightly, your relationship is headed into rocky waters if he is already introducing her and OC to family and co-workers. Unfortunately the OW/OC dynamic can have a tight hold on a man. The fact that he is so fastly embracing this is very telling. Has he showed any signs of remorse,any?

Please let me point out that I am not trying to hurt you or make you feel any worse then you are feeling right now. I am here to support you in anyway that I can. The truth is R is very hard and you can't do it by yourself. You have to have a partner/spouse who is willing to put in the hard work to regain your trust. What has he done to do that?

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying your relationship is over, but there has to be some serous boundaries where the OW/OC is concerned if you are going to continue in the relationship. What are you willing to live with? This is what you must ask yourself.

So much we want to make things right and embracing the OC no matter how much it hurts us, seems like the right thing to do, but what is right for you? Think about how things will be in the near future and the distance future and ask yourself, is this what I want, is this what I can live with? If you can, that is fine, but he has to be willing to be a united front with you. If you feel that you can not live with it and you need to walk away, that is fine too. You don't have to live with someone else's baggage if that is not what you want in life.

Hugs to you. And feel free to lean on us for support and understanding.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
disrespected666
♀ Member
Member # 30411
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WasAlmostThere
You are not nobody. You are the only person in this situation who has behaved like an adult. You are the only person who has shown integrity, responsibility, and dignity. Don't ever feel like you've done anything wrong or let this situation cost you your self-confidence. What those two have done is no reflection on you in any way. Their emotional issues are what has caused this unfortunate situation.

The glitter of this moment will fade especially since it is not based on the true happiness that should surround such a blessed day. While a birth is easy to celebrate, it will not change the fact that it was brought about by such careless and irresponsible choices. The child is not coming into the safe and comforting arms of a family but a disfunctional scattering of people who will hopefully do their best for the child but in no way is it ideal.

While I admire you wanting to not cause additional harm to an innocent child, you do need to think about what you need here. You are a person too and you are also innocent. You must establish rules in the situation immediately. Your SO must include you in this situation and understand that it not appropriate to continue dealing with this "uterus" alone.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: hell
WasAlmostThere
♀ New Member
Member # 32298
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC I understand and yes he has embraced this situation for what it could be (probably is) pretty much completely because he knows he had sex with her (4xís) he knows thereís a really good chance that the child is his so I think the dna test is more of a crossing the tís dotting the Iís thing than a serious doubt. Weíve all been treating the situation as such from day one. Itíd more of a pleasant surprise at this point than something anyone is hanging their hat on. Although after she was born his mother and sister did remind him repeatedly to get the test done but thatís because they donít know much other than some chick theyíve never heard of is knocked up.

I never really thought of it that way though and I know you didnít say what you said to make me feel bad but now I kind of do feel like extra crappy thinking of how Ďeasilyí heís embracing all of this. I guess I just saw it as him embracing his responsibility as a father maybe I should be more upset about it. His coworkers went to see the baby on their own, he wasnít even there when they stopped by.

Heís definitely shown A LOT of remorse since telling me (sometimes too much and I want to say snap out of it already lets move on but itís a process for us both), and even before telling me and weíve spent a lot of time talking about everything from what went wrong to how to go on from here. Heís not unwilling to do the work with me at all even down to counseling thatís not a concern of mine at all.

I think that maybe because we arenít married and maybe because I have a child from another relationship Iíve been a little relaxed on setting boundaries because I feel I have little rights here. We arenít married, no kids together, donít live together not engagedÖas my BFF says often we have ďnothingĒ but a desire to be together holding us together. The communication between them between finding out and now has been very limited and 98% online or via text so Iíve been able to Ďfollow alongí. There were no shared prenatal appoints and the one he was invited to she invited me along as well but I didnít go. He didnít go to the babyshower and when she put his name on the registry he promptly had her take him off. I donít know I think itís been pretty fair up until this point and manageable for me.

Going forward I would prefer to embrace OC honestly her presence doesnít hurt. Them sharing the experience of her being born and the continued parental relationship hurts but her herself? So far I feel fine with and am prepared to and actually a teeny bit excited about folding her into the picture of the future. Heís always been there for my son and this child is half of him so Iím ready to develop a relationship with her as he did with mine. I just wish her momma would go awaaaaaaay.

Heís invited me to the hospital to meet OC tonight. Said he wasnít sure if he should ask or if Iíd be comfortable. Iím happy he did though it makes me feel included, but Iím not sure Iím ready to meet face to face with OW. I do know that if I were here Iíd be crazy uncomfortable, angry and feeling like trash if I had to meet me under these circumstance. Like really? Your babydaddy brought his GF to the hospital a day after the kid was born? How much of a Ďyou are a nobodyí message is that? For that reason Iím not sure if itís appropriate for me to go. Still debating even as heís on his way over to pick me up.

As I was telling my aunt earlier today there are still a lot of hurdles to jump for us. Explaining this to my son being the BIGGEST concern for me right now. Getting adjusted to OW being ANY part of our life even if it is just a co-parent. Working out custody/visitation/child support. Blah blah. I donít know Iím rambling again.

[This message edited by WasAlmostThere at 6:11 PM, August 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2011
WasAlmostThere
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Member # 32298
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Respected, thank you so much for the kind words. Itís crazy how even though I know all of that in my head, my heart can still continue to ache. This whole thing is especially difficult when dealing with a girl who doesnít see it that way at allÖ as far as sheís concerned (or at least the front sheís putting up) is that no matter what the situation itís a baby itís happy happy joy time! No real consideration to how ugly this all is or makes her look. My SO on the other hand understands it completely and just keeps saying I donít know why sheíd want to do this all over again (instead of getting an abortion) to herself and to this innocent child. How can she not think about the child she has, her reputation, or everyoneís future. Etc Etc. To which I have to remind him that she didnít create that baby alone. He gave her that power over him, his child, us and everybody involved when he screwed her. I guess because I understand that itís sometimes hard for me to be as mad at her as I probably need to be in this situation. Respect her? Thatís something else entirely I donít do that AT ALL because I think she just made one dumb decision after another and didnít stop this train even for herself when she could have. But againÖrambling.


Thanks for the support ladies. I think itís difficult for a person never having been through this to understand that there are bad days mixed in with the good. I got the ďyouíre doing this to yourself you have no reason to be upset when your settling for itĒ talk today from a good friend of mine. That made me feel aweful because itís like wow just because I said Iíd TRY to work this out with him means I canít have a bad day? If everyday isnít roses and sunshine right this instant then I should walk? I knew when I decided to stay and WORK on the relationship that everyday wouldnít be great and that some days the birthday especially would be hell on earth. Didnít know that meant I couldnít talk to my friends about it.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2011
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((was)) I think it shouldn't matter that you are not married, if he is in a committed relationship with you I feel you have a right to express how you feel.

Wanting to accept the OC is wonderful and there is nothing wrong with that, we all handle this situation differently. I just say handle this with caution, keep your eyes open. Unfortunately there have been several members here who accepted the OC and there H/SO winded up rekindling the A. There has to be clear boundaries and it must be understood by all parties.

I understand that you feel your hands are a little tied based on your situation and that is why I asked you to really think about rather you can live with this. Believe more times than not, the OW will not go away. If anything she will try to keep contacting him more now that the child is here.

All I can say is be proactive in this situation. Don't let your guard down and work together as a united front if you want this to work. I have custody of 3 of the OW's children, so believe me I know what it is like to deal with everyday and I am some what fortunate that OW disappeared, but that does not away happen.


ETA: Whatever you decision you make will be an up and down roller coaster and there will be good and bad days. All I am saying is just because you are trying to R doesn't mean you have to accept whatever is handed to you.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 6:30 PM, August 19th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

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