Like should I have told him he wasn't allowed to go to the birth or his family wasn't allowed to go visit the baby?
He's not unwilling to follow what will make me comfortable, I dont think but I dont know what rules I'm supposed to be laying down outside of including me and not hiding anything from me?
[This message edited by WasAlmostThere at 6:57 PM, August 19th (Friday)]
If you go back to pg. 38 I have reposted the OC Handbook. It has a lot of good suggestions provided by several members who have been thru this. Everyone situation is different so some things may not apply to you, but it is a good foundation to start from.
There has to be compromise on his part. If he is not willing to do what is comfortable for you, you really need to think about whether you want to deal with this for the next 18 years.
I can tell you that he will not respond to "you are not allowed to". Should he have gone to the birth, probably not, however that is already done. What you can do from now is express to him what you are willing to accept to stay in this relationship. And that means boundaries, no visits alone with OW, no going over her house, etc.
He can say sorry all day long, but actions speak louder than words. Some men forget being a father does not mean having a friendship/relationship with the OW. It gets clouded and a lot of OW use that to their advantage to keep a relationship going.
Having the OC in your life can work, but it is a very delicate situation. It can add more pressures to an already compromised relationship. One of the biggest things is to work on mending the relationship first and dealing with the OC 2nd. But you have to have a willing partner that will do that.
Hugs to you.
We went to the hospital this morning, he'd sent her a text saying he was coming by in the morning before she was discharged and bringing me with him to meet the baby. She didn't respond. She was friendly when we arrived though, we were all 'faux' friendly and respectable in the hour or so that we were there. She and I spoke a little mommy talk, he did the new dad shuffle trying to get her to quiet down and change her etc. She gave me the "you're going to have to help him" half-joke that to me said she realized this-our relationship-is real and I'm not going anywhere. Got a little uncomfortable I think for her when he spoke of me sleeping through the alarm that morning. After a while she left us alone with the baby to go shower then came back and kind of stayed out of our way, played on her phone. Pretty sure she was texing somebody saying "i can't believe he brought his girlfriend up here" I talked to his sister after and we spoke of how out of all three of she was probably the most umcomfortable/hurt in the moment having just had his kid and watching him show up with another woman, play with there new daughter, take pictures together -i snapped a few shots of him and the baby, he got some of me and the baby and we took a few together with her and she hasn't been allowed to take any pics with my boyfriend in them- and then leave without her while she waits on her mom to come pick her up and drop her off at some family friends house to leave. ummmmm can we say OUCH!!!!
He is still struggling to be 'happy' about the baby. He said the instant love and desire to protect and take of her is there but then there's also a lot of anger in bringing her into such a mess and that even when he visits her he wishes it was me in the bed and it was our child and our experience and he gets so upset about it he has to leave. Apparently yesterday she asked him 'now that she's here are you happy to be a dad' and he said he got really angry at the presumption behind the question and went off on her and told her he was even more pissed now that the baby had to be brought into this situation and how he looking at her makes her out to be an even worse mother than he thought bringing a kid into the world she cant take care of and he didn't never want to be a dad he just didn't want to do it with her. All she said back was "ok"... pretty sure me showing up the next day and her watching him continuously hand me the baby and ask me if i wanted to hold her didn't make that conversation they'd had go down any smoother.
Overall I'm feeling good today clearly. I guess just because I was included and he initiated, insisted and followed through with that showing of a united front in a very bold way. It's a good start to a long road I think. We started to discuss how I expect and need him to handle his parental relationship with her but we were pressed for time so it's a to be continued conversation.
rambling again. it's nap time for me.
You sound very mature and unbelievably together through all this. I was much more of a basket case and my husband wasn't even there for the birth. I offered to go with him but he didn't want to share that experience with anyone but me and our COM. I was very grateful but would have felt very guilty for not giving him the opportunity alth ough I know he knewhow much it would have troubled me if he had taken me up on the offer. As he has told me, he is fine with putting his focus on fixing us first since children really have no idea of what's going on for the first year anyway and it's better for everyone to work on the adult relationships first so that our relationship with the OC will be better later. The OW was adamant that I could not come to the hospital which is crazy since she has no control over who's at the hopsital at any given moment. She has luckily come to realize lately, however, that she doesn't have all the controls in this situation.
I think another thing to keep in mind is that the OW is not going to tell you what she really feels. She is going to be defensive and will try hard to position herself in this situation too. The OW in our situation is older. She is finally getting her head around the fact that, yes, this is her fault too and she has acted shamelessly. She finally did that for me recently after over nine months of acting like nothing less than an arrogant, demanding, and illogical person in complete denial about her culpability in this situation. She has finally came out with the truth that she has felt guilty and sad at what whe has done to my family considering that the same thing was done to her prior to her divorce. I believe her although I think this is due in part to her realization that things were not going to go well considering her attitude up to this point. Now that the magic of being pregnant and having a newborn is almost passed, she has realized that she needs my cooperation if her son is going to have any kind of relationship with his dad and has finally been willing to sacrafice her own pride to see things move in that direction. She is finally acting her age and realizing that this is a lifetime situation.
Even with this breakthrough, I am very sad today due in part to recent conversations between my husband and I about how things got so out of hand for us. I have to bite my tongue so hard sometimes to keep from saying the mean things that hit my brain sometimes. I am still struggling with forgiveness because I still can't believe he did this to us no matter what. In addition, in some ways, it was easier to deal with the situation when I could just treat OW like the crappy person she has acted like and focus much of my anger at her. Now that she is on the ropes, I have no one left to work on but my husband and I am still struggling with forgiving the devastation that he has brought to us. In addition, a part of me is struggling with my own role in allowing our marriage to get in such a state that he was able to allow himself to make such horrible choices.
I love my husband and I know he loves me. I want my life to include him despite the pain that I am in because of him. I also know that he must be forgiven at some point or we are doomed to go our separate ways and that will be even more tragic considering how much more we will have given up if that happens. This is so hard and complicated. You definitely can't take advice from someone who isn't in the situation.
I think because the OW in our situation is going abought things completely the opposite, starting off calm, accepting of her irresponsibility in things, being apologetic, staying out of the way etc., it's allowed us more time and space to work on us. Really it was my concern the whole time, not having a enough time before the baby got here and took up so much time and energy. But we've gotten a lot of work done up until now and we're still plugging along. Maybe it's because we haven't been together that long (2.5yrs less than that when this started) that I feel we have more to gain than what we lost or maybe it's just understanding where we were back then and what we were going through....i guess i should write out the long sad story one day but the short version is stress on top of stress from being the only one taking care of my sick mother on top of immaturity on both our parts in not knowing how to do deal with the stress or strain on time AND maintain a relationship our even ourselves just led to a clusteruknowhat...but forgiveness came quick for me. Does that ease the pain? Lesson the blows of the triggers? NO
Earlier he sent me a message saying he loves me, I'm amazing and he's sorry for everyday he's ever taken that for granted. It was sweet but it was a trigger, taking me back to when he did just that...took advantage. But I did to in my own ways...story for another day.
Newest development with the OW? He decides to go see the baby the day after they went home, calls to say he's on the way she tells him he's not allowed in the house. He can come get her (oc) but he can't come in. House rules of the people she's staying with. SMH She's such a child. So I guess any worry on my part about them being one on one for the sake of the kid can go bye bye because he's "not allowed" So the situation will be in court sooner than thought looks like.
Obviously some may change as real life dictates but that I think this will help me deal with the situation.
[This message edited by disrespected666 at 8:08 AM, September 7th (Wednesday)]
I got a chance to talk to OW babydaddy #1 yesterday. I've been suspecting for some time now that she's been wanting for the two of them to hook back up based on her OBSESSION with talking to him via fb. Well I was right! Apparently he's going through a divorce, she knows he's now single and as far as she's concerned they should be together again.
Furthermore he is under the full and utter belief that the only reason she got with my SO in the first place was to get back at him for dumping her and marrying someone else after she had their child. (my SO and her BD#1 used to be best friends over 10 years ago when we were all in HS together ) All signs point to that being truth; it explains why she accepted so little interaction and attention from my SO when they were screwing, her easy acceptance of he and I staying a couple, her immediate strong desire to induce labor of OC prematurely when she found out BD#1 was now single, the fact that she talks to him waaaaaaaaaaaaay more than my SO despite having just had his kid...she refuses to let him in the house, she post pictures of the baby on fb that she doesn't even think to send the own kids father, she caught an attitude with him when he said he wanted to come see his own child, and she refuses to even try to talk about a parenting plan. I think it's because she doesn't want to make any major decisions until she sees what's going to happen between her and BD#1.
My thing is, if you're going to sleep with a guy's "best friend" to get back at home (sooo sluttastic) why not protect yourself? And if you slip, why keep the kid? What happens to the baby when using her as a pawn to get what you wanted-revenge-doesn't work? This is how children end up with parents who treat them like crap or like they're in the way, because they were never really wanted in the first place. Selfish Selfish Selfish!
I really wish BD#1 would just get back with her and take her to the other side of the world with him and their child and leave the baby here and we could all deal with each other only when absolutely needed from a really really really long distance LOL. Dare to dream smh
And it will REALLY REALLY REALLY piss off the cOW
That is a twist. I hope you are excited first and foremost. Try not to let any of this other stuff ruin your ability to enjoy your own adventure. You deserve good things.
I hope you are happy and healthy!
I got pregnant 1 year into R (conceived on our R anniversary, in fact). We were ecstatic (it was our first, and we were not at all convinced that OC was FWH's).
Let me tell you, NOTHING takes the wind out of an OW's sails like knowing they did nothing special by squeezing out a kid.
I am happy for you and I hope things go well.
I do know this. If it weren't for OW and OC this wouldn't even be an issue, concern, question nothing. We'd be estatic, elated, maybe a little nervous but there wouldn't be an ounce of hesitation. So the fact that there is is KILLING me. I'm pregnant by the man that put almost three years into, love and plan to spend the rest of my life with I should be over the moon. I mean it's not either of our first but still it's OUR first. Yet I'm waiting with baited breath for him to say....something! Something over than "we're going to need an suv" or "i'm not unhappy about this i mean your the woman i love I just..." or "do you want me to fix you a drink, oh wait shyt you can't drink" or "she's (OW) going to make getting custody hell now or maybe she wont then we'll have a newborn and an infant on our hands" All these open-ended random comments and no real conversation. I swear his brain is on another planet right now.
I do know this, if he doesn't get on board we're done. I'll have to leave him.
word to the wise...the morning after pill really doesn't work the morning after the morning after...no matter what it says on the box
[This message edited by WasAlmostThere at 3:14 PM, August 28th (Sunday)]
Thanks ladies. It's still shocking all the congratulations I'm getting. But they may be short-lived I'm not sure we're going through with this. SO is really hesitant, or stunned, or whatever he took the news well and hasn't left my side since but he's been really reaaaally quiet. And he's expressed hesitation because of the financial and logistical aspect of everything. Not to mention how aweful this looks, like I planned it for revenge, him having two babymoms, us being so 'irresponsible', etc etc. I've had a headache since finding out night before last and I don't think it's going away any time soon.
OH NO YOU DON'T!!! You are having a baby, conceived out of love, with the man who is yours. Period. Don't even give the OW the chance to make your pregnancy miserable. She's a NMFF (non-motherf**kin' factor)!!! And let her and everyone think what they want. I'm sure she thought and others would think my pg was a revenge pg. Mine was planned, hell planned before the cOW was in the picture! I decided to go through with my plan because...well it's MY life. DO NOT let the OW/OC situation dictate YOUR life anymore than it already does. Life HAS to go on for you and your SO. Don't worry about money. The OC situation isn't going anywhere anytime soon is what I told my fwh, and I refuse to put my life on hold waiting for the OC to turn 18. My life plan called for at least 2 kids, and I have my 2 perfect kids so I'm happy. No regrets.
So, take care of yourself! I'm sure your SO is probably stunned and not sure what to do, but he will either come around or won't. But that doesn't change the fact that you are pg, and you need to make sure you are healthy. He probably also feels immense guilt as well and that could keep him speechless (that's how my fwh was at first, he later told me it was the guilt that held his tongue).
If this is what you want, then do you. What I've learned from another, more seasoned BS dealing with an OC situation is you can't let this stop your life. If your life plan called for a family, then have your family. Sure the timing may not "seem" right to you, but perhaps it's the forces around us saying it is.
(((WAT))) you have to do what is right for you. Things have a funny way of working themselves out, have faith. If this is what your life plan calls for, don't worry.
The issues we were really stuck on of course is the money and the logistics of me going back to school, work, my son, marriage (he wants to get married sooner than later ... YIKES ... not that we weren't working on that before but whew!), having two kids under 1yrs old etc etc and it's still unclear as to how we'll do this but I guess we'll figure it out. And you know what you're right OW is going to shyt bricks when she has to swallow all of this. I knew karma would kick her butt but I never thought it'd be this fast in this way. WOW. Anywhoo I don’t even know what I'm doing it's been 10yrs exactly since the last time I carried a kid I feel like such a newbie and so much has changed. I am starting to get a little excited though I've always wanted another child, with him, and honestly with all our plans and goals this could actually turn out to be perfect timing for us. It'll be HAAAAARD but I told him look it's kind of like having twins once we get them out of the way we can be done! Instead of waiting for OC to get to 'a good age' and starting all over again with a newborn.
We shall see, a new layer to the journey is beginning. Hopefully a year from now I'll still be standing LOL
Weeeell looks like it's déjà-vu for OW because my SO is pretty adamant about me quitting my job and staying home with the baby and running the household for at least two years(which I clearly won't do unless/until we're married, hell I wont do it then he gets a year out of me tops while I finish my degree lol). OW knew this is something he'd want for his family because he's mentioned in convo's on FB in non-relevant conversations, debates and post for years. In one of his very early email conversations with OW after finding out she was pg she said she was "hoping we could maybe just make this work between us" and he responded saying how she wasn't qualified to be anything to him but she was and there's nothing about her that makes her good enough to be the mother of his kids or his wife or run his household. Crazy how these OW think a few goes in the sack will automatically qualify them for a key to the kingdom. Now she gets to watch yet another BD give her dream away to the woman that put in the relationship work for it, stuck to her standards for it, proved she was worthy of it, deserves it while she sits out in the world with two kids she really has no means to take care of crying about how she got done wrong again. SMH Who wants to bet she'll be on to baby #3 before 2014????
My concern is the families and their feelings about it. Hers pushing her to get my SO for what she can as some sort of revenge like she didn't know she was a jump off from day one! And my SO's family not taking to our child and jumping in to side with OW/OC feeling like my SO has abandoned OC in some way for me. Time will tell.