SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out
Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
Thank you "tushnurse" for bringing this discussion back to the front where I was able to read and attempt to understand - and maybe use - if I get the chance.
Unfortunately things may already be too late.
This applies going forward regardless of outcome. Welcome to the club.
Bumping for all the new members that come here over a long holiday weekend.
I just wanted to bump this as I found it very helpful. I am really working on enforcing boundaries this week.
I am glad someone bumped this thread about boundaries and consequences.
These boundaries make sense but we often fail even if we identify them. This is because we donít think about the other side of the boundary issue, CONSEQUENCES. Personal boundaries NEED consequences, otherwise they are not true boundaries. Consequences are the outcomes of a personís behaviors. By their nature, they gauge the relative value of the behavior, because we as humans strive for positive outcomes or consequences. When dealing with boundaries with your WS, we as BSís have the power to determine the consequences; we get to decide what is acceptable and what we will allow as a result of the behavioral choices made by our WSís. These choices are never easy, but once made they need to be fairly static, and need to be communicated effectively so both parties are clear as to the boundary and consequence. You need to be clear about your expectations , for me we wrote a marital contract and put it on paper, I wrote them down and discussed each with my WS.
I think that is eloquently stated.
Not all consequences need to be dire, all WSís will make mistakes in Reconciliation, if everything is a deal breaker then your doomed to failure. Your WS didnít get in this predicament in a day, there are years of learned behaviors and coping mechanisms that need to be discovered and unwound. While discussing the marital contract you can discuss your values, why you have particular deal breakers and what messages are sent when violations occur. This helps you communicate to your WS your values, and the fact that your values are important to bonding you back to this Marriage.
Yes, not every negative behavior should be a deal breaker, only those that apply to boundaries that are breeding grounds for an affair
Just found this posts, glad someone added a comment recently.
Very good reminders to keep the BS on track.