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Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
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For me this was hard. I am just getting over being scared of losing her. I read a post that said to really look at what the worse thing for me would be. First answer was her leaving me. Then It went on to say that I should consider how i would feel sharing her (made my blood boil having someone ask me to think that) and for me they are right - that is far worse for me than not having her. Giving me some strength - thank you for that piece of wisdom (I was going to smilely but really can't bring myself to)
This post is very helpful. I am a little afraid to set boundaries though for fear he will leave again. He was gone for a week staying at a rented room. It was hell, because he wouldn't tell us where he was at-that is the most frustrating. He is moving his stuff back in tonight. We are in MC, but it is slow going. Has only been about 2 weeks since DDay. Conversation is strained obviously. So, I need to decide if this will be enough for me or not and I think boundaries will help, when I am able to state them without fear he will run.
You set the boundary because you deserve to be respected. Your WH is not respecting you. He is using the threat of leaving to manipulate the situation to his advantage.
Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are necessary.
I need to decide if this will be enough for me or not and I think boundaries will help, when I am able to state them without fear he will run.
I agree with Isadora,
You set the boundary because you deserve to be respected
Your boundaries speak to how you want/expect to be treated. They are not situational, or have anything to do with if he will leave or not. They are for you to demonstrate how you expect to be treated by everyone, husband included. I wish you well, draw a line in the sand. Tell him you expect respect!
Thank you so much for this.
Very good post! The part that really hit home for me is that WS tend to see boundaries as a threat. My WH does this. I am striving to sift out the co-dependent from my behaviors as well.
Working on boundaries w/IC right now!
I spent most of my married life brushing things under the rug and pretending it wasn't happening to avoid the "what if he leaves" issue. And in the end, he left anyway.
setting boundaries will not determine if he leaves you or not, that will be his choice 100%. If he wants it to work, he will work to get to the point where he can accept your boundaries. If he doesn't, he will use the boundaries as an EXCUSE to leave, if he was going to leave anyway. It takes all the heat off him. It is mental blackmail and emotional abuse for a WS to inflict that on the BS.
Just a word of caution...don't set ANY consequences you are not fully prepared to see all the way through. Because if you set them, and he breaks the boundary and you do not follow through with the consequence, that only gives him more power.