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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG

Forgot to comment on contacting OW. Really a waste of time I think. You will never know if she's telling the truth. If your H is still sneaking around seeing her then he's doomed anyway and you WILL find out. I know the uncertainty is hard but you don't want her knowing what's going on in your M.

If he IS still seeing her he's a POS, he doesn't deserve you and I hope you kick him out. You've given him enough chances.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal

Thanks for the links. I've had a really good look at them all but don't think they would work for a variety of reasons. But thanks to you I am starting to think more about finding someone locally. We might have to drive some distance (an hour or two each way) but I think that would be better. I'd like to think we had some sort of consistent support rather than a one off weekend. Will keep you posted.

I am actually going to contact a colleague who recently ( afew weeks ago) shared her experience with infidelity. She's actually a counsellor herself! (Not relationships). Her story is very sad. She was married for 23 yrs. After her children left home her H became convinced she was having an A. She wasn't. He became very violent and abusive and she had to leave him. A few months later he set up house with another woman only a few blocks from where she lives. I think the bastard was having an A all along himself!!!!! My friend has not been in a relationship since (6yrs) and is still very traumatized by the experience.!!!! Anyway, when she told me she did say she saw someone. I will find out who.

Cheers

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and not listen to rumor...


allgoodnames, I cannot help but wonder why she would suspect rumors?

As for comments about fighting for the M, FWW will do what she can to make the M better, but if I told her I no longer wanted her I suspect she would leave. I do not believe she would stay if I told her I did not want her. She and I have talked, and I believe she would not fight for the M because she does not believe (yet) that she deserves to be in it with me without my approval.

The flight back was a huge trigger for some reason, thoughts of her on Xanax sitting next to OM on trips. Her hand on my arm, touching my leg, leaning into me.... Then, she has a movie to watch on her iphone and it is Eat Love Pray and starts out with infidelity. I was quiet much of the first leg and the lay-over. I told her why. She assured me she was (standard line) all business on flights with OM, no touching, no flirting. Whatever, it is the past. I know she is has still not told me the whole truth of how their time tigether was, but it is over, and I am in the present. That is not who she is now. By the time we got home I was OK, but wow, what a painful thing. Typing this up I can feel the pangs again.

On the positive side, seeing BIL on this trip de-mystified him. He is pathetic. His interaction with FWW was nothing more than the result of her and his issues. He has nothing special on me. Seeing this first hand, I can extend this to the other OM. It helped. At the final lunch together with BIL's family, FWW, DS, and FIL I arranged to pick up the check. BIL always offers, but allows FIL to pay from what I hear. I made an excuse to leave for a few moments, gave my card to the manager and made it clear I was paying. 1, I wanted to take the burden off my FIL, and 2 I wanted nothing from BIL. It worked, FIL commented that BIL always offers but does not pay. Said he was suprised when they brought the receipt to me because he did not hear me ask to pay. I told him I quietly take care of my own, I do not need to make a big deal out of it and then thanked him for all he hass done for FWW and I. It is nice to feel a part of his family again, it has been over 10 years.

--Ats

PS, DeepPurple, M334455, Nofun, honest, what are you up to?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not prepared to share you - unlike your whores- for me it's all or nothing! It's about time you made a real effort. If you aren't prepared to try or if you want to fuck some OW then piss off and don't waste any more of my life!"

Geez Laura, this is basically what I said to my H. Good minds think alike!
I also added, "If I'm not who makes you happy, if the OW is really the one for you, then go - I'm not interested in trying to make you stay if you'd rather be with someone else." I've
always believed in the saying (again I have to paraphrase ) If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they'll be yours forever. If they don't, they never belonged to you.
I think this is so, so important. You can't force anyone to want to be with you. You can give them the choice to be with you. You can let them know that you want to be with them. But if they have their hearts, or minds set elsewhere, all the pleading, or manipulating, or compromises in the world won't help to make them want to stay.
You have to be willing to set them free and they have to know you are really sincere about being willing to do that. Just my 2 cents for what it's worth.
Allgood - I'm with Laura on this too. I would not contact the OW again. She cannot be trusted. The very fact that she said, "don't listen to rumors" made me cringe. What rumors is she talking about??? Did she mention the photo? I also didn't like that she basically repeated what your H told you. I know there is a chance that it is true but I would have felt more confident if it didn't sound so similar to his statement. This may just be my personal paranoia but I would NEVER trust the OW in my case, yours or any others.
I remember shortly after d-day when my H told me that the A had only been going on for 8 months. I was so upset and as I said, was totally prepared to D him and had him tell our children. Well, my DD was so furious with her dad and this woman who they knew most of their lives that she called her. In the course of the conversation, the OW repeated that the A had only been going on for 8 months. Definitely proved the two had discussed what they would say to us. I would later get him to admit to 3 years and finally 8 and still I'm not sure what the true length of their A was but after learning it was 8 years, the number didn't seem as important - it was all so horrible and heartbreaking.
So you can see where my personal bias is coming from.
I just think you should be extra cautious in believing anything this woman says.
I was also wondering if you ever considered hiring a PI or installing a VAR. I know your H is in law enforcement and might be able to spot someone or something but it does seem like you might have access (or did I ask you this a while back?)to investigators. I would go this route if I were in your shoes right now.

NJGal - great posts with wonderful advice. I looked over yours and Tryn's lists and didn't feel the need to add anything in terms of what the FWS could do to prove to us that they were serious about R. Great job you two.

ATS - your story is truly inspirational. I am so happy for you both and for your sons as well. To me it does show that once the FWS sees with absolute certainty all they stand to lose, and know with absolute certainty that the BS is prepared to follow through, that it is not just a ploy or a vague threat, then they are forced to make the choice to either work to save the M or watch as the M disentigrates before their eyes. You, NJGal, myself and I believe Tryn all took drastic measures and our S's saw beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were serious about ending our M. It was not a game we were playing. We expected and were willing to accept nothing less than total commitment to R in order to give them another chance and in the end we were all winners.
This is what I wish for everyone on here struggling to save their M.
None of us wanted to end the M but none of us wanted to stay in a M where we as BS's would continue be emotionally abused, or used, or lied to either and were fully prepared to start a new life for ourselves. This is my advice to those of you working with unremorseful S's.
The sad thing is that for some of you, the fact that you have such young children it is not as easy as it was for those of us whose children are independent. But I do worry that your unremorseful, difficult S's use this to their advantage. Maybe I'm wrong about this but I don't think I am. Why they don't want their children to have a happy, stable home life is for me the real question.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot help but wonder why she would suspect rumors?

ATS - We must have been cross-posting but I had the EXACT same thought when I read this. I wouldn't trust this woman one bit.
Sorry you had those triggers but again, you can really see the progress you and your W are making. She did not get defensive, you were able to recover relatively quickly, and you have made it clear to your in-laws that you are, and want to be, a part of their family. Kudos to you!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 5:48 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As to OW's comments: the rumor comment doesn't bother me because I didn't tellher about the photo - I left it very short & vague - that they were "together" at the party. Then in the next text (when she basically said the same thing as my H), I told her that someone had told me they had seen them together. (I didn't want her to know about the photo.)

What bothered me was that she said as soon as she sat down he got right up "again". That bothered me. But, I think after the photo was revealed WH said anytime she came anywhere near him, he walked away, so that is what it could be referring to.

I get it about not putting too much stock in what OW says. And, I don't, but yet, I have to admit, it's given me some peace tonight, even tho I have not broken NC with my H despite hearing this information.

I don't have access to investigators. I tried the VAR & he found it asap. (I have to admit, that always bothered me too - like you just happened to be bending down to put your gym bag in the car (not tossing it in - much more his style) and saw the red light on the VAR? Then when he & I argued about it (he threw it off the side of the parkway), one of his statements was I was trying to "catch him". Never liked that choice of words, to me it implies there's something to be caught.
Sigh.
Anyway, I still feel at peace, even tho the bottom line is that I told him it's over and he's not fighting it. (And, Ats - I understand what you are saying, but my H knows this is not what I want, knows I love him & that he has the opportunity to fight for it if he wants it.)
I guess it gives me something to help believe that he wasn't just blatantly doing whatever with OW on top of all the rest of this crap post DDay.

I have to say, as soon as I saw the photo, I told my H we should call OW and see what she has to say - he told me to call her myself. I really should've done it then, if I was going to do it at all, because then they couldn't have pre-arranged their stories. But, I really didn't want to call her - for the reason that most of you stated - that I didn't want to tip her off that there is trouble in paradise over here, but my feeling today was that it was over anyway, no harm could be done.

And Ats: I'm glad that you had such a good experience with this whole BIL thing.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't throwing him out, but he said he almost wants to move out so I would miss him and want him back.

Allgood - I really don't understand your H. I almost feel that he has a real inferiority complex where you are concerned and believes you are too good for him. (Well, ya think??)
Do you think there is any truth in this and if so, has he always felt this way.
There's always a lot of talk about men A'ing down. I know you said this woman was attractive but you also said she has a teenage D at home (is she D'd or was she an unwed mom?)and a dependent parent living with her. Definitely a woman with a few serious problems of her own. Another common denominator is the "knight in shining armor" syndrome. Sounds like this might be going on too. So your H sees you as the self-sufficient, successful lawyer (btw, congrats on your raise!), competent on the homefront and the workplace. He was, according to what you told us his Mom said, a bit of a screwup - drinking and partying and being irresponsible.
His defeatist attitude is so frustrating to read about too. He's this big, strapping officer but when it comes to you and his children, it's like he left his manhood at the office.
I don't know, I'm rambling here. But his behavior seems so inconsistent with his profession.
I was also wondering who these men were that he went away with this weekend. You mentioned they were not people you were happy to have your H around. This is unfortunate. That is another major demand I made (and many of us made) on our S. It isn't enough to just go NC with the AP. They must also "de"friend anyone who is not a friend to the M. This to me is MAJOR. Men who are weak and too easily influenced by peer pressure, God, how old do they have to be before they outgrow this,? need strict boundaries enforced or the struggles never end. We can't and don't want to be their parents, but if we really want to R then boundaries need to be discussed and the FWS needs to decide whether or not they are willing to live by the new rules of the M.
For me, I set my boundaries. If my H didn't like them or wasn't willing to live by them, then Adios! I told my H I didn't want a long, drawn out D with a lot of animosity. As long as the terms were fair, we could make the agreement as painless as possible and even suggested that I'd like to remain friends. I just wasn't interested in being M'd to someone who thought he had no responsibility to me or our children.
ETA - Other than his fucking paycheck!!!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 6:18 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF

Great minds truly do think alike I have said this (almost word for word)

"If I'm not who makes you happy, if the OW is really the one for you, then go - I'm not interested in trying to make you stay if you'd rather be with someone else."

I actually added that I would be fine without him. I didn't need him if that was how he felt. His leaving wouldn't bother me at all!!! I said that I was prepared to stay and try but only if he really wanted me. If he didn't, if he felt the need to be with ANY other woman - he should leave. But go NOW - do not stuff me around or waste any more of my time.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive:

1st off - I'm laughing in the middle of this damn tragedy because my 2 year old daughter is telling me we have to go upstairs "RIGHT NOW". Lol. Poor thing - she's gonna be a nag - she knows no better with me having to tell my 3 boys the same damn things over & over & over....
Anyhoo...
The guys he went away with - I don't have anything against any of them personally. Don't believe any of them knew of the A prior to DDay - tho rumors were circulating as it seems. They are just guys he work with - single or divorced - tho all but 1 has a gf I believe at the moment.
In any event, once I heard some of my H's coworkers at work were telling him how great it is to be divorced, plus the general attitude of his coworkers - I just don't like any of them anymore. (Unfair but nonetheless...)

(Man, my daughter is gettin pissed now...)

And - in our relationship prior to his A - I had always thought I had the upper hand in a way - like he was into me more than I was into him. (Not that I noticed it at first, but once someone pointed it out to me, I saw what she meant.) And, since DDay, my H straight out told me I am too good for him or I am a better person than him.

And as to OW - I believe she married her daughter's father - but she was real young when she had her - had to be 17. And, as much disgust as I may have for OW, I have to say, she went from knocked up at 17, to being self-supporting, single parent (I dont think the father is involved at all) and taking care of her mom. You have to give her some credit - so I don't know that this is KISA thing as much as it was a "I liked to hit that 30 year old perfect booty with no strings attached"

Anyway - thanks for being so available the last few weeks during my crisis Forgive.

ETA: Just like Laura & FOrgive - I too told him to go to OW and told him straight out it sounded great to me - 1 1/2 years and you two never argued? YOu were always happy and loving? You must be incredibly compatible.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:26 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or waste any more of my time.

Laura - I don't know if you ever read the story I posted about a MC'ing session I had where my H was feeling sorry for himself and asking how long it was going to take for me to get over his 8 year LTA.
Our MC rolled his chair right up to my H and said in a very forceful tone, "If this is too much trouble for you, let us know now and don't waste anymore of our time. It was fantastic and had an amazing effect on my H and his commitment to R.
You used this phrase in both of your responses and I just had to share that with you (since we both have such great minds ).


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she went from knocked up at 17, to being self-supporting, single parent (I dont think the father is involved at all) and taking care of her mom. You have to give her some credit

I see your point Allgood - I guess I'm just so upset for you and for Honest too and all of those whose S's aren't making more of an effort to save the M.
And you're welcome, Allgood. I know I never could have gotten through my pain without so many great people here and I just hope I can help others in return.

Hugs to the tribe!

Just had to add - your DD sounds adorable. It makes me miss my little granddaughter that much more when you share your stories. What a great age!!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 6:36 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually added that I would be fine without him. I didn't need him if that was how he felt. His leaving wouldn't bother me at all!!! I said that I was prepared to stay and try but only if he really wanted me. If he didn't, if he felt the need to be with ANY other woman - he should leave. But go NOW - do not stuff me around or waste any more of my time.

Laura

I have told mine (and continue to tell him) I would be just fine without him. If this is too hard - I understand and to please just go. Remember the old Tom Petty song lyric - "I'll probably feel a whole lot better now that you're gone"
might be just too true sometimes. Especially, as I am surrendering to the rage phase- he needs to step up and own his shit for real now.

Allgood - I admire your strength and resolution.


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reading through and catching up, who would ever think I would be happy for getting a kudo on how I handled dealing with my bil a year after finding out he and my W had phone sex for 2 (+) years. Man this is some fucked up shit we are dealing with and I worry sometimes that SI "normalizes" affairs and being a WS when we should just tell them all to fuck off.

Sorry, even when feeling fully R's I think there can be bad nights.

eta: after years of dysfunctional M, and then the ddays, there is (at least in me) a desire to live happily ever after. All tonight did is confirm that I am not fully healed yet. Here I am worrying about things someone who is no longer my W did years ago.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:01 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, coming in late in the day, everyone covered all i would have posted to allgood....so way to go tribe...we all do seem to "think" alike....


yesterday we took manchild back to family therapy...trying to deal with his issues again academically...anyways...the therapist told my son to make a list of his 'plan'...so with that i told pfm that today that 'we' needed a plan to dissolve us....i wanted to know what his intentions were for "taking care of me and not screwing me royally"...can you guess the response....

none...just that blank stare...so what are the odds that he doesn't do this either, kind of like every other task i give him...with exception to shit for the house....or carrying heavy shit, phone calls for house shit....the only thing he's done that was asked of him is ic...and that was dependent upon him being allowed to stay in the home period...yesterday at family therapy he mentioned that now he looks forward to going to ic....of this i am sure he is....i think this is the only person he has that listens to him.... and the man is getting paid to do it....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

prematurepostualtion...hadn't suffered this in a while, guess i was due..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:03 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 9th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND...not only prematurely posted but done it 3 times....

was close to finishing though...just needed to add in

((((tribe))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:04 PM, January 9th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken Promise:
Allgood - I admire your strength and resolution.

It's the photo. If I didn't have that, I would've never pulled the trigger. Every time I feel weak, I just think of the photo & every other screwed up thing that I was suspicious of but couldn't confirm.

Miracle:

My H too - remember this week I told him I assumed he was moving out after we told the kids this summer and he said he had not thought about it. First off, this is typical of my H and sounds like it is of your H, as well. I pointed out - you realize that it's going to take time to find an apt, etc. and don't put us in the position of telling the kids we are splitting and then you are still here all summer long - that's just confusing. I want all the transitions done during the summer so they have enough time to recover before starting school - especially as 2 of my kids are starting new schools in the Fall!

Sorry - didn't mean to continue to make this all about me.

But, my point is that this is part of their personalities - as far as your H & mine - and perhaps of all WS - they are not planners, they live day to day. So, Miracle, that doesn't surprise me at all, especially as your H, unlike mine, appears to still be in denial that you are splitting.

I suggest YOU come up with the plan. Think of when you want to split and what you will need. OR, create your own plan, start taking steps now so that you can be self-supporting - it takes time, especially as you will have so many responsibilities at home.
So, Miracle, take charge. He doesn't have a plan? Fantastic! Give him yours and be generous to yourself!

ETA: Yes, Ats, that this is my "new reality" does boggle my mind sometimes. But, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I truly believe that.

Peace to us.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:31 AM, January 10th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But his behavior seems so inconsistent with his profession.

I believe his behavior IS Consistent with his profession. It's just my opinion but I see the same behaviors in my own husband. It's almost like they can't let their guard down, they can't show their feelings, or say what they really want because this macho thing gets in the way. They feel they will appear weak.

I know deep down they are feeling pretty awful about themselves and honestly, it's much easier to walk away than face the music. They honestly feel that we "aren't going to get over it, so what's the sense." Maybe they feel it's a lost cause and they are wasting their time. My H has expressed this at MC and the MC told him that it's true..."I will never get over it, the A will always be there, but I will learn to cope with it."

H also said that he does regret what he did but he would also regret walking away from the M. So maybe your H should think about what his life would be like without you. Financially, emotionally and family wise. Have you asked him if he has thought about not being with you?

I haven't been posting, but I've been reading. I've been on the roller coaster and I'm getting dizzy and exhausted. I want to get off.

I've started kick boxing and while I'm in the class I get confused because I can't decide if I want to make believe it's my H or OW I'm punching and kicking. So I've decided I'll just take turns. One night for each of them.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: Glad to hear you are ok (other than ur dizziness, that is. Lol.)

My H has said many times that he doesn't want to be without me, hates to think about that, etc.

I believe that.

But, in reality, what would his life be like? Other than not having sex with me or hanging out with me, it's pretty close to being the same, especially for so long as we are living together. I have always been the stable force in his life. (I am thinking back to when we were teens and I was the one who made him file tax returns, prepared them for him, helped him with his college assignments, etc.)I took the lead with the kids and our finances. NOt to sound pompous, but if it weren't for me, he would be in the same sorry financial state as his coworkers - blowing more money than they make. So, I think part of the reason he would feel lost without me is that I have been that stability for him.
I could go on and on.
Anyway,this is really what I wanted to respond to:

I've started kick boxing and while I'm in the class I get confused because I can't decide if I want to make believe it's my H or OW I'm punching and kicking

First off, I LOVE kickboxing and I've always thought of OW when I did. And, the fact that there is a woman in my class with gigantic ta-tas that are spilling out of her undersized tank of the same ethnicity as OW, it really hasn't been too difficult. In fact, despite the fact that this girl joined the class probably a year ago, I just started making small talk with her now, because in a small demented way she represented OW to me.

Good for you Fun! Go kick some arse!

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:58 AM, January 10th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Fun

Yes Yes Yes. Kick lots of arse. Glad to see you back with us.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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