Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood,

... butat the same time I realize that he cant reallly show me he's changing, trying, etc. unless we are in R.

I disagree.

I believe very strongly that you can continue with 180 and following your own path while at the same time he can implement change within himself.

As examples:

He could attend AA or IC to address his problem with limiting alcohol consumption when at events where it is provided.

He can attend IC to figure out why he had/has poor boundaries and chose to have an A with the OW. The real answer, not the "I wanted sex" answer, but the why did you want sex outside of the M answer.

He could work with an IC to better identify what he is feeling inside so that he could understand it and communicate it better to you.

He could talk with an IC about why he chose to try to sneak sex with you while you were sleeping rather than approach you openly to talk about his sexual desire.

He could activate gps tracking on his cell phone and give you the information to see where he is 24/7, and answer when you called to verify.

He could read Sexual Detours and Not Just Friends and discuss with you what he read and how it did or did not fit your situation.

He could work on what sounds like a codependency issue when he says he does not want to R or do a thing unless he knows up front, it will "work" or that you will be happy.

He could voluntarily stop socially acting so much like a single man and act more as a married man. There are books out there for this too, written by men for men. Hell, I could mail him a couple.

He could come clean about the Christmas Party picture. None of us believes that she had just sat down and that he was getting up to leave just as someone took the photo.

Therefore, I do believe that he can do things to show that he is changed and trying to improve. I accept that these are things that will not come naturally to him, that he may not enjoy. Tough.

FWW does not like talking to her IC each week and reliving fondling by an uncle, rape as her first sex, and acknowledging all of her betrayal in our M. She does not like leaving her cellphone out so that I can read the texts if I want to. She does not like to restrict meetings with potential male donors or volunteers. She does these things because it is how she can make amends and make things better for her and us. She would do these things even if I left her tomorrow, because she realizes these are issues within her she must resolve to be happier in the rest of her life.

Analogy time. Allgood, you want the two of you to play ball together. The problem is your H sucks so badly at playing ball that the two of you cannot sustain a game. So, while you go off and work on your free throws, he needs to find a coach to help him develop his fundamentals. You are his potential teammate, not a coach. Working on his skills is not your job, and in his eyes, it makes you kind of a nag. He can tell a coach (IC) what his problems are, or if he is not sure the coach can watch him try to play for a while (express his feelings, talk about his life) and identify the problems. The coach can then work with him to correct problems, develop better skills. The coach can provide drills for skill practice and evaluate his progress. After some time, and with enough work, he may be at a skill level where the two of you can have a great game of 1 on 1 if you are still interested. OYOH, if he just sits on the bench not wanting to do the work because he may never be good enough, then you may get tired of shooting free throws alone and decide it is time to go find someone who can play the game.

You cannot pull him through R.

--Ats

ETA: Really, isn't it a bit sad that someone would rather go live in the basement that admit their faults and take steps learn about and improve themselves?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:06 AM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Ats. Thank you. I loved the analogy.

And, btw, the pic of the 2 of them has suddenly disappeared off of the internet. Hmmm...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He could find a new job where he would NEVER see OW.

He could seek other 3rd party ways like Retrou that will teach him how to communicate effectivly.

He could never place himself in situations that would tempt him to be unfaithful in
the future.

I totally agree with ats... you can guide him, but it's up to him to want it.

Go get your dictionary and make him look up these words... trust, consistency, fortitude, and distrust.

- Tell him you will learn to trust him based on the consistency of his behavior.
- His fortitude will determine his consistency.
- His consistency will determine your level of distrust.

It all starts with a commitment.

And this for you allgood...Don’t ask for
more than you are willing to give yourself

You really have nothing to lose allgood.. you are young. You have the chance to start over should the risk fail.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
Could you get him to go to a MC for one session?( I did this with my H. Actually, that's how I first confronted him about the affair. I needed it to be in a safe place, with a witness, a third party that could keep the discussion on track)
You sit him down and ask him one question.
Does he want to save the marriage or not?
The only answers should be either yes or no.
I do not get his waffling...
yes but....is not an option.
Maybe if you have this discussion in front of a MC he would stay focused and answer the question.

and...if the answer is yes....then you should copy many if not all of the options that Tryin and Ats spelled out.
I think with your husband you have to lay out exactly what you would need him to do to R.

Are you afraid of the answer? afraid he may say that he wants to save the marriage but....not enough to do any of the hard work...or not enough to give up his 'swingin single party boy' lifestyle?

I don't think that it's a coincidence that the party pic disappeared...
I think he's in contact with the OW...just a hunch...on my part.

They may not sexually involved right now but...
he is still foggy in this thinking...
He wants it all-a wife, marriage, and his toxic frineds, his female friends, he wants to continue his drinking and partying...
he doesn't have a problem with alcohol-no way..he just doesn't want to give it up for you and the kids.
He is choosing the booze and the night life over you and the children.
To me.. that says problem.

so,IMHO he has a lot to work on.

But, the first question is... does he want to save the marriage or not?
yes or no.
no waffling....
and if the answer is yes...then the hard work begins.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 1:44 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No time to post, but there is some very, very, VERY good advice for you Allgood. May I suggest you make up a work book together and get some of these issues out onto the table?

~~mumble, p’raps I should try the same seeing as FWH is intent on not discussing any issues. But I’d prob just get the eye roll~~

Gotta run. Good stuff folks!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't stay for long -just wanted to thank those that responded. I already told my H that it's totally ok to say he cant or doesn't want to do the work to save the M even tho he loves me.

Ya - the pic disappearing doesn't sit well with me at all, even tho it wasn't OW that posted the photo, it was another coworker...
Got to go.

ETA:

I am not afraid that my H will say that he wants to save the marriage but....not enough to do any of the hard work. I pretty much expect that.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 2:12 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants it all-a wife, marriage, and his toxic frineds, his female friends, he wants to continue his drinking and partying...
he doesn't have a problem with alcohol-no way..he just doesn't want to give it up for you and the kids.
He is choosing the booze and the night life over you and the children.
To me.. that says problem.

Allgood -- this is actually the MOST important problem.

Do you remember all the times NJgal said to me -- your husband has a drinking problem, your husband has a drinking problem, your husband has a drinking problem ...?

Well, he hasn't stopped drinking, but he has made a dramatic shift. I didn't ask him to. I don't know why. But, yes, he has/had a drinking problem.

Let's forget the word alcoholic that has been thrown around and just focus on problem drinking. Because I do know that you can be a problem drinker without being an alcoholic. Although problem drinking does lead to alcoholism and is it's own dysfunctional thing ...

Anyway -- what I see here over and over is that the issues with most of the relationships here are complex, because the A's don't happen in a vacuum. I don't think over the last 13 months I've ever seen anyone who didn't have at least one other personal and/or relationship problem in addition to the A.

Healthy people don't do what our spouses have done. They just don't.

I'm not even sure healthy people cheat at all -- but let's assume you could be a realtively healthy individual and have a ONS or a short fling -- healthy people DO NOT have LTA's.

So, we all have multiple issues that we're dealing with, both our WS's and our own. I've got some codependence problems and I'm bipolar. There are spouses who are narcissists, borderline, alcoholic, etc. etc. Those of us in this forum are living messy, messy lives. We're working on cleaning them up -- but it's hard work! And you can only clean up yourself.

But -- the ALCOHOL -- that's an issue worth working on. No matter what. Because that will be there even if you are not.

But how do you do that? You're not him. You don't want to be codependent. Maybe you know how and I don't. Maybe Alanon would help. Beats me.

Anyway, let me tell you some of the things my WH has been doing. And, let me preface this by saying that the last time I asked him to do anything was Oct. 1st when I insisted that he really, really needed to get XHSGF off his Facebook.

(1) It appears he has been consistently NC since Dday. I have suspicions, but nothing I can confirm.

(2) To my knowledge, he hasn't been going out without me. He's been home on time 99% of the time, less than 30 minutes late most of the other times and less than 1 hour late once.

(3) He stopped sneaking drugs.

(4) His drinking gradually reduced to a point that the difference in now dramatic. Most days, he does not drink at all. When he does drink, it's a lot less than he would have previously had.

(5) We've been actively working as a team to reduce our debt and become debt free.

(6) He helps more with the kids.

There is a lot there.

I know, you guys are probably asking me why I'm not "feeling it" at this point.

(1) He's still surfing porn on his phone.
(2) I get these nasty sneak-attack verbal insults/ picking a fight / abuse. Like on Christmas Eve when he compared my nanny to a porsche and me to a '76 Maverick. He finds a way to ruin EVERY special occasion.
(3) I'm starting to think I really do believe "once a cheater always a cheater".
(4) His attitude towards infidelity hasn't changed. He still makes jokes about people being a couple when they're married to others, etc.

So, I'll give him credit for his efforts -- but I think ATS is right, your spouse has to show you they're becoming a completely different person.

Anyway -- I don't remember if I had a point, LOL. I think it was the drinking fuels the A but it's really a separate problem and one you have a responsibility to try to influence because of the kids.

peace.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood -- everyone is right, you can only change yourself. Maybe you could start by working on your own drinking. I've read dozens of Mr. Allgood and I did X but then I drank too much and picked a fight stories this past year...

Just a thought.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3- Lol. My drinking - yes, I can control that. But, I do not have a problem with drinking. In most social settings, I drink either nothing or 1-2 drinks. When my H and I go out alone, it's more of a challenge, for a variety of reasons. And, on none of those occasions did I wind up with a hangover, etc., but I was feeling enough of the effects of alcohol for me to say what was on my mind uninhibited.
But, since we aren't doing date nights anymore, that's hardly a problem.

H and I plan to discuss everything tomorrow evening. And, apparently H did not realize that I had told him it was over. I guess we have bigger communication problems than I thought.

ETA: I did look at some Al-Anon stuff on the internet the other day and I tried finding some stuff by the author NJGal recommended, but then I figured this wasn't my fight and gave up on it.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 4:10 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: Wow. What a great post. You gave specific examples that a WS can do, and "doable" things. Things that make sense and are less vague. Things that Allgood's WH can really see.

Tryn: You always write great posts. I really liked your pic about "losing the lion". It was poetry in visual form.

Allgood: I agree with NJgal, go to a MC and discuss as sincerely as possible without anger with WH "Do you want to R or not?" It cannot be "Yes...but..." It's either yes or no. I would even give him a copy of Ats' post (you may want to "doctor" it a little and delete some things) and say you saw this on the internet and thought it was helpful.
To me, Allgood, your WH MUST see that this is the one last try. He must see how serious it is, and he must understand that it can be done, but work is involved.

M3: Alcohol causes so many problems, but just drinking less is just the beginning. One may stop drinking, but the behavior and the other problems that caused the drinking are still there. AA and other such programs help those who suffer with ways to improve themselves and toxic thinking.

Alcoholism runs in my family. There are many different theories about alcoholism:
1. Heredity: it's in the genes
2. Environmental: growing up in a dysfunctional family spawns further dysfunction in the individual that they will continue behaviors and relationships in an unhealthy way.
3. Combo of the above
4. "allergy" that alcoholics react differently to alcohol than "normal" people.

But the experts all agree: it runs in families.

I have had long talks with all my DS's of the above. To be AWARE of the potential to become an alcoholic because it runs in the family. I believe my grandmother acted like a "dry drunk" with her behaviors. She NEVER drank.

I believe I have the potential. Sometimes if I start having some wine, I don't want to stop. But I am aware.

Alcoholism causes dysfunction in family relationships. That dysfunction needs to be addressed, not just stopping the drinking/ drug abuse, etc.

Allgood, I see a potential problem with your WH. He will NEVER admit it. Part of the alcoholic handbook, "I don't have a problem"

UKgirl, it's not too late to try to get better communication skills with your WH. At this point, if you explain to WH that you would like the two of you going to a MC just for the communication skills, not that there are major problems, he may be open to it. Tell him it's not about the A, but you two getting along better. Can't hurt.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood – try looking at The Love Dare. Here’s the link:

http://www.shenzhoufellowship.org/main2/files/old/SpecialTopics/TheLoveDare.pdf

Maybe he should try it. And perhaps you could agree to a few dry days so you can talk properly.

Your situation has had me looking at my own and I remembered reading about Fireproof. The film was not released here, but I found the above tonight. So I’ve printed it off.

I am thinking I should force a discussion with my H. And just ignore the “oh no, not that again”, eyes rolling, heavy sighing, etc. He has never really examined what he has done and why. He says he knows why, but I think the sticking point is remembering his response to my “what is to stop you doing this again?”. He said, “nothing is certain, as in absolute”. The underlying message I got from that was he would make no promises. Perhaps that’s why I don’t want to give him unconditional trust again or let him have my heart.

Night all.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, seriously, I do not have a drinking problem!

And perhaps you could agree to a few dry days so you can talk properly

I've had many, many dry days, lol, I assume you mean dates. In which case, I have suggested that to my H many times, let's do an activity that does not involve alcohol on date nights, to no avail. I must admit I did not push the issue because quite frankly, this is what we did throughout our teen years before we were dating and nearly all of our dates involved drinking as the main activity.

And, as for "dozens" of alcohol induced fights - that's just impossible. We've done date nights maybe every 6 weeks, now I'll admit that probably 40% of those resulted in me saying something aggressive,so I see the point that it's to be avoided.
I realize that I do have to put my foot down and insist we do something else if there are to be any further date nights.

I have actually not even raised my voice to my H over the past week. I have been very calm. (Ok, maybe I raised my voice when I first saw the photo, but it was short lived.)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe.

There is a very cold bunch of air heading in my direction. Lows around zero. I moved my brass monkeys inside. Why would I do that?

Because it is suppose to get so cold it will freeze the balls off a brass monkey!

So if anyone has this type of monkey and is in line for this cold blast, please move the monkeys inside. They will appreciate this.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: i so far have deleted several responses for lack of the difinitive "what to do"....i know you love this man, i know you want your marriage...what i don't know is what is it he is willing to do to love you and save your marriage...and maybe that is precisely what he NEEDS to answer with a concrete answer...and like my manchild...produce a plan..write it out and do it...(((allgood)))

nell: it sounds like the day has been reclaimed....

laura: i hope things are better in aussie land...


earlier this am when i read some of the responses i was struck at some silimarities with foo.....pfm is a twin, pfm's family..since d-day i have not had contact with his parents and sisters....evil toxic people....anyways...all i could think of is how we all evolve from whence our beginnings were....some of us have evolved, and then there are those like pfm that have not only not evolved but continue to live from where they came as opposed to leaving it and becomming their own so to speak...just random thoughts...

we had a snow day here....watched a movie with dd and pfm..letters to juliet...what a cute movie, and i was fine til the end....a letter was read aloud and the phrase "what if" was a huge part of it...well that did me in...it was the phrase that pfm and ow#1 used all the time in their laments with each other...at the end of the movie i got up and as i passed pfm i told him "see, go after all your what ifs"...it was a sad moment....and then its funny (odd)...that a moment later i KNEW that he will always do and live with what ifs....because he doesn't seem capable of learning and absorbing any lifelessons..and then i thought...wow...i don't have that, i do not live with the what ifs....because i truly have no regrets for the choices i have made....granted, had i known he would be the definition of stupid as much as he is i would not have married him...but then i wouldn't have my kids, would i....

ok done ramblin....


dip: brass monkey nuts....not quite sure what to make of those..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip, I grew up with lows waaaaay below zero for weeks on end. I am about the biggest cold-weather wuss you've ever met. But I would still like to live in waaaaay below zero land if it meant I was close to the homefires of friends and family. And I knew right away why the brass balls were going inside! LOL

Laura, I sent you my many, many examples. As you have not responded nor posted here, I assume you needed the rest of the night to go thru them.

Allgood, I just don't know what to say. You're all over the place. I hope you can find your center and work from that place. I am worried about you.

And tryn,

your spouse is 100% responsible for picking the apple. Only if OW would have held him hostage in some way.. If you don’t have an affair with me, I will...

How about "I will kill myself?" That one was used to great effect. Anyway, I totally blame WH 100% for deciding that fucking the needy little nobody in the next cubicle was a good idea simply because she looked at him with desire and he was approaching 40. (Excuse my French.) But she's 50% responsible for their (a-hem) "relationship." She wasn't a babe in the woods who was caught unawares. She knew exactly who WH was, knew he was married, knew he had two little boys at home. Hell, she knew she was bringing a married man home to be her "boyfriend" in front of her child, who she used to get close to the married man's family and so... she is not blameless. She doesn't get a big gold get-out-of-jail-free pass for fucking a married father just because the father was married. She should be spanked and sent to her room for a 33-month time-out. Instead, she feels sorry for herself because she's a Victim and she's got no recourse because she's single. (Well, except for the consequence of having to face a bunch of people who know that she's a shameless hussy every day at work.) That said, I really don't care about her. I really just wash my hands of her and give her to her fate. (And hope that fate including her rotting in hell, but hope that I nor WH never have to see it.)

m3, I think of your dimples with deep jealousy. I've gotten gaunt and older-looking with the infidelity diet and the stress. The pic of you and the baby is so warm and lovely... makes me want to snuggle. (Also, I have never told you that "Paddy" is a bit of a trigger for me, but the use here is giving me another point of reference, so thank you!!!)

ats, May I say that you have come so far in so short a time... I am jealous of you, too!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats, May I say that you have come so far in so short a time... I am jealous of you, too!

Thanks Nell, but not me, my FWW. She is the one doing the heavy lifting. Once she adopted attitudes and behaviors that convinced me I was safe to be with her, my part has been much easier. Because she has identified and talked about the things that led her to wanting and participating in an A, it is easier for me to see that she has changed and those things are in the past. Because she has been NC since dday, I feel safe and do not need to verify. Because she does not get defensive (sad maybe, never defensive) when I talk about the A, I feel much less need to talk about them. It breaks my heart what she did, but there is no sense in berating FWW for that, she is no longer that person.

Still I did my fair share of wallowing for a little over a year.

allgood, my list was intended to be illustrative only. I do not recommend giving Mr. allgood any lists or tasks. That is the coach’s job, not yours. Let Mr. allgood come up with what it takes to fix his M, even if he has to get outside help from an IC. If he asks you can tell him how you feel, but I would never give him a list of what needs to be done. Some of the things on the list, like AA, he will not attend or get any value from until he believes he really has a problem. The same can be said for most of the things I listed. If he is serious, let Mr. allgood (and an IC if he chooses) figure out what is wrong, and how to fix it. Ideally, he will come up with more and better ideas if he really decides to make it work. He will have ownership.

Dip, on behalf of the brass monkeys, thank you.

Like on Christmas Eve when he compared my nanny to a porsche and me to a '76 Maverick.

((mm334455)), that was insensitive for him to say at best. As for the other comments, FWW and I discussed just last night how some things in jokes and movies or comments we would have found funny or not noticed prior to dday now strike a nerve.

ukgirl, if you are inclined, I like the idea of working on resolving A stuff under the guise of M counseling.
Still, I am bothered, as I know you are too, by your H’s lack of empathy.

FWW took care of me last night, so I have washed her dogs and have supper of stuffed pork chops and sweet potatoes with collards waiting for her. Good night and best wishes for all.

((Tribe))

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:56 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33-
Good post.

Nell- Great vent about the OW! I'm with you on that. I do believe that the OM/OW that knowingly gets involved and stays involved with a married person is 50% responsible for the damage caused by the LTA.
so...vent away.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Miracle}}}}} I'm so sorry you had that trigger with the movie today. The hurts are so deep, it's so hard. God, if these WS's would only realize the depth of the hurt they cause with thier selfish behavior!!! The years of trauma and hurt with not only the BS but their family.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just felt the need to check in before turning in tonight.

I am all over the place. That is the way I have felt throughout this whole R process. Part of the reason why I held up so well the past week of basically NC with my H is that it was such a nice break from trying to fix our marriage and all its associated worries.

I was thoroughly confused by my H's lack of interest in taking up my offer - that the door is still open for him to get his shit together. I made the mistake of sharing this with my H, which I believe is the source of the confusion in his head as to whether we were on or off.
I asked him about the disappearing photo today and he agreed that it's no coincidence, but he knew nothing about it. He then confronted the friend that he did tell about it, and long story short, the friend of the friend must've said something to the guy that posted the photo about "you got Mr. Allgood in trouble..." or something similarly childish.

Anyway, yes, I'm all over the place. I do not have high hopes for tomorrow's conversation. I was going to try to outline some points tonight so I'm not a rambling mess tomorrow night.
So, I should not give specifics, or tasks to do. Should just explain how I feel and what I need?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: I truly feel that it would be for the best to discuss whether or not WH wants to R with a MC. You are saying that you are "all over the place". Of course you are. You are having a roller coaster of emotions. WH is not sure of what's going on either. He's confused within himself and is afraid that if he tries his best and opens up all his emotions, and then the R doesn't work, he'll be devastated.

That's just my take on it.

As for the list, I do think it would be ok to give him 1 thing that would help and give a specific example to help him understand the kind of work that needs to be done. Hard work, but still "doable".


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.