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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lying to me about his whereabouts because he doesn't want "to deal with it" from me

Perhaps he could try being somewhere that isn't a problem? Just a thought.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Allgood}}}

We were cross posting.

Ah, honey, he sounds exactly the same as before. Somehow, he doesn't see how much the Christmas party incident hurts you.

He is so defeatist.

In a stupid way, I think he can't forgive himself, and therefore can't fathom that you may be able to forgive him someday. I think he is also depressed.

Not believing in counselling, is something a lot of people feel, especially a lot of guys. I don't think they feel comfortable trying to go an shift through all thier emotions and behaviors.

Allgood, you've been through a lot of trauma this past week. Take a breather for a day or two and then you can do some soul searching on your best course of action.

By the way, you did a great job with your discussion with WH.

Keep checking in with us.


{{{{{Allgood}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
Thank you for checking in. This jumped out at me and has me Monday-morning-quarterbacking:
I specifically told him that it's ok to say he can't do more, that I would respect that decision and I could know that he still loves me, but that it just can't work.
He really just stayed quiet at that point, other than to say he loved me.
Then, he started asking me about what plans I had made to start dating, etc.

I hope your response was something to the effect of you being in this marriage 100% until you both agree to divorce. Sounds like he's still trying to gauge YOUR level of commitment so he can put in no more than that (self-protection gone wrong). It sounds like you didn't get the answer to "Do you want to be married to me, yes or no?" And I'm sorry for that.

Silver lining: you started the tough discussions and everyone is still alive. Yay!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy crap! Nell - I totally forgot to ask if he wants to stay married or not.

Unbelievable. I totally forgot. Anyway - as far as my commitment to the marriage - I'm not 100% in at this point. I have to say, while we were having this conversation last night, I became aware that if he told me he can't do it, I would've been relieved/ok with that.

It would be a shame, I know he loves me. I do love him. But, I would be able to accept that there was nothing I could've done to have a different result and be happy.

M3 and Honest - points well taken.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I can't see the forest with all these frickin' trees in the way!

Remember my five pages of examples? Forget them. I'm handing WH the brief topics I shared with you during our MC appointment tomorrow. If he wants actual examples, he can ask. If he wants to ignore them, have at it. If he wants to make up his own examples, good luck.

ETA: That last paragraph sounds harsh. I don't mean it in a "screw you, dumba$$" way... just a letting go.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 12:27 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((allgoodnamesgone)))

...never had to answer to anyone,

He still doesn't have to. People in emotionally intimate relationships share and communicate with each other because they enjoy the connection and knowing about each other.

...lying to me about his whereabouts because he doesn't want "to deal with it" from me...

What m334455 said.

He really doesn't believe therapy does anything ...

It doesn't. The motivated participant can gain insight and support in how to change undesired behaviors, but if a person does not believe there is a problem, is not ready or willing to change, then the best therapist is a waste of time and money.

...and he doesn't understand why we can't just go back to the way we were before - when we were happy-

If he was happy, why did he have an A with OW?

...we never had to work on better communication...

Because you two were not really communicating.

allgood, I still believe that if he begins to work on himself and change you will notice, no matter how hard and effective a 180 you implement. You will see and hear it in your children. You will notice when you deal with the strictly children and financial communications. He will find a positive way to get your attention. However, I do not see a WS who wants to change. He wants to rug-sweep big time. He does not see any need to change himself to be a better person for himself. He is fine, and was happy, with who he is/was. If parting his hair differently or smiling more would make it all go away he might buy in, but to make himself vulnerable to you is asking too much.

..totally forgot to ask if he wants to stay married or not.

allgoodnamesgone, this was asked and answered. He does not want an intimate relationship. He likes being roommates with benefits. He would like to have an A with you, just not a committed M. I heard the same things from FWW in the early months after dday.

honest, you have no responsibility to your Mother. You do have responsibility for yourself, your children. Do what is right for you.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that a lot of us are going through that. We did see some red flags,

Honest - Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. One of my "what-ifs" has to do with a recurrent dream I had for a few years before d-day. (I remember reading somewhere that if you have a recurring dream, it is your subconscious trying to work through something.)
Anyway, the dream always had something to do with me selling my home and coming back to it and wishing I had not given it up so quickly. There was always so much regret in my dream. I kept asking myself in the dream, Why did you do this? You didn't want to give up your home.
Almost immediately after d-day this dream came back to me. I really believe that for all those times I had that dream my subconscious was giving me the answer to why I ignored those red flags. I wasn't ready at that time to end my M. I wasn't ready to confront what should have been so obvious to me. My life, as strongish said in her post, was perfect in so many ways and I still had children at home. I didn't want my life to change. I didn't want to give up our family home, or break up our family. My subconscious "knew" something was very amiss but protected me and often sent me this dream to assure me that this was where my heart was - with my family and my home.
And so for those of you who struggle with unremorseful S's, sometimes as Miracle often says, it is the path of least regret that we choose - not necessarily because it is in our own best interest, but because we just may not be ready yet, we still have hope, we still want and need to believe that our M will survive.
Allgood, I'm so happy that you were able to get your H to open up if even just a little. I know you still feel like you are in limbo but it sounds like he didn't try to prematurely end your discussion, or get defensive or make light of your pain.
I am so confused though by his question about you dating? WTF?? Maybe as Nell said, he's just trying to see your level of commitment to the M right now. That makes sense to me.
Btw, did you answer him???
I hope you are feeling less anxious today.
One other thing I wanted to add. I do think your H wants to stay M'd to you so I think the question needs to be, Is he willing to do what you need in order for you to want to stay M'd to him.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Ats.
I think I'm really ready to move forward.
As I was reading your response, I was thinking a few months ago, this would've brought me to tears. Now I'm just shaking my head in agreement (other than your statement as to why did he have an A if he was happy - he meant the period of time when we were happy, which admittedly, we were not in the years prior to his A).

And Nell - yes, the damn trees!

Forgive - we cross-posted. I agree that he wants to stay married, it's just a matter of whether he can see that he needs to taking the lead and make some significant changes.
And yes, the dating - thought that was quite odd, but, I did answer him and it was really funny - we did actually laugh, because I was explaining where I thought I might meet someone and I did say that it wasn't going to be someone I'd meet in a bar and he laughed and said, of course, because you've already got that. Lol.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:02 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

geez...yet another post done in a hurry...

allgood: the 2 of you have been together forever...since you were both teenagers....the ages of my kids..meaning you were kids.....a realtionship formed when you are a kid is quite different then when you are already an adult.....

now having said that....he is still stuck being that teenage boy....sure he has a job...he is a cop...every kids wants to grow up and be the guy who gets the bad guys....he pays his bill...basically because that is what he is supposed to do.....aside from that he IS still that kid....

when siblings get together the relationship between them can be complex and different because of growing up together...the relationships between people who grow up together is quite different and unmatched by any other...

now mr allgood is rebelling, and i get the impression that this has become a parent child relationship in that he is doing what is told begrudgingly, rebelling when he can, getting away with what he thinks he could and having that attitude..of "i cant do anything right, and i cannot fix this"...and with his i cannot fix this...he is not ready to call it a day so he does the bare minimum probably to protect his stupid self from being hurt....making this even more sad than it has to be.....i want to slap him so fucking silly right now its not funny....

when they know what they have to do and they just can't do it for god knows why....kind of makes for insanity....

anyways, enough of my ramblin ranting... i am glad you checked in...gotta go start pick ups.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this has become a parent child relationship

I said this at our last MC session.

And, I want to F-n slap him silly too.

But, I really do feel at peace at whatever. My needs have changed and I can accept that he just may not be able to fill those needs, despite his love and attachment to me. And, I'm ok with that.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.....i want to slap him so fucking silly right now its not funny....

And, I want to F-n slap him silly too.

Hey guys, count me in too!!!!!!! I have been pacing around the house wishing I could shake some damn sense into him myself.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:25 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE slapping silly:
We could make a reception-type line. Count me in! Off to go have lunch with WH now (his idea). He's all about the fun stuff.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We could make a reception-type line

I love it Nell!
Allgood - what do you say??


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE slapping silly:
We could make a reception-type line

Sounds great!
(What would one wear to such an event?)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pirate or navy gear? Sounds like running the gauntlet to me...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg...rotflmao (i think i did that right) over the reception line...

i immediately thought of the movie airplane where everyone lined up to slap i think it was the nun.....

what should you wear?....my first thought was the exucutioners mask, but we don't want to kill him just knock some sense into him...the next thought was that of a dominatrix, complete with whip of course.. ...after that i drew a blank and had to go to the bathroom from laughing....


oh, allgood i am sorry....and no you are not ok with this shit...so i dont believe that for one single solitary second....i think maybe you are just in a self inflicted void to avoid.....

i also don't think your basic needs have changed...we all have the same basic needs from a relationship and he is not steppin up.....i think you are afraid at how much you may feel you do need him.....the 2 of you have grown up together...and the needs you had as a teen are no longer their because you are no longer a teen....the needs you have as adult woman who has her own children are of who you are now....with a little bit of who you were then....the core is always a constant...so the core needs do not change....the needs as an adult who HAS transitioned into adulthood changes with the transition...


i loved the way ats answered all of mr allgoods statements btw...

ats, dip, tryn and deeppurple have taught me that there are real men out there....we just aren't married to them....

a real man isn't afraid to open up and be emotional, a real man does what it takes to save his family, a real man shows his wife how much he loves her by his deeds more then his words, a real man will allow himself to be vulnerable to the one he loves....i could go on and on.....and from what they have all posted , our men on the lta....they didn't arrive at being real men til they were all faced with losing that which they loved most....ats and tryn laid down their boundaries to their wives....were willing to stand up and be the husband to them as long as the boundaries were not crossed....real men are not patsy's.....

nell i am glad you are giving him the brief needs....its standing up for yourself and its giving him an opportunity to stand up and take action on his own....


and as a side note: not all of us had red flags....i had flags for a mommas boy not a cheat....i was prepared for the mamas boy...not for the cheat....

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...a dominatrix, complete with whip of course...

so, errrr...just how bad do I have to be?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell you are so funny...

This might be what it looks like.. I call this..

Slap him reception line..

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:29 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pirate gear - lmao.
I think it should be something authoritative, but being slapped by a bunch of dominatrixes, Idk - from At's posts, I dont know that is exactly a punishment...
Lol
We can be so silly.

I would go with the camaflauge.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You girls are just killing me. Reception line for slapping someone silly Fashion advice for the reception line. I can't believe that miracle did not mention the taser! Damn, this is a rough bunch.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
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